Anonymous wrote:OP it seems like you wrote this just over a year ago, why has nothing changed?

OP here. It's not that I'm a doormat; in my career, as a parent, and as a friend I have good boundaries and am assertive and confident.

I'm just grieving and freaked out, not understanding how I married a smart public interest lawyer who lived a normal life, how we *had* a normal life, and it's gone for reasons beyond my control. The fact that he really could fix it makes me want him to. The fact that he's unilaterally taken away what we had makes me lose sleep. I'm unused to problems that are totally beyond my control.

The gaslighting feels so crazy and unrealistic that I'm having a hard time even processing it. It's so far from my experience I'm expecting him to come home from therapy one day and say he figured out the truth- that his depression and having his life become so narrow warped his perspective.

I am going to figure out an exit path, but I'm not ready to start down it because there is no earthly reason this person I married shouldn't come back.

But if he doesn't seem to be on his way back by the end of the year, I'll have to pull the plug.

Extremely sad about all of this.

Tired of no sex, too. I get hit on a lot and don't act on it. Boy would I like to blow off steam, though.

OP, this is heart-breaking to read. I'm not going to demand you get out now because I had a spouse who was very dysfunctional until the last couple of years of his life, our entire time together could have been what I had always wished it would be and was those last couple of years, and then it was gone. Given that the situation is so damaging to you, it's important--and you know this--to work on exit paths. (I did that, and actually much of our time we had a separate living arrangements relationship, even then it was not that easy). But also you need therapy to survive this--you should not be trying to "process" the gaslighting, you have to somehow get to a point where you can treat it like the weather--no you can't control it, but it's also not a big deal, you have a coat and umbrella and sunscreen to protect you. (Obviously much harder when the words and behavior are coming out of someone you still want to love, but that would be the goal for now).

I also survived extremely severe depression many years ago (living at my parents' home and very, very paralyzed although I could manage crossword puzzles), it lasted a very long time, the thing that started me climbing out was that in my thoughts my choices were having a job or ending my life and a very stupid job got shoved in my lap and I grabbed it like a lifeline. Life has taken many turns since then that I could not have imagined back then.

And if nothing else interrupts his stasis, your moving out could.

Anonymous wrote:My resentment gets worse in summer. He screwed up and lost a job in summer 2016 and every year that goes by I get angrier. He's done some short-term work and a couple of projects that were such bad ideas I wonder if he chose them because they wouldn't work out.

I hate constantly being strapped for cash and feeling shabby. I've taken on a number of extra projects for pay and feel I'm working myself to death. The other day I mentioned one possible job prospect and he said he didn't think he'd like working there.

I'm dying a bit every day. But I can't afford to leave, and it would wreck the kids.

I can relate. Forced to leave work. Same situation here except he has a low hourly paid job that won’t even cover the mortgage. Keeps applying for the same type of job over and over. I would leave but can’t afford to. It’s a nightmare.

You had the same exact thread last year, OP. Are you going to come back and post same thing in 2020? 2021?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being out of a job is understandable for 6 months to a year. After that, a back up plan needs to be put in place where standards for what type of job and what salary he pulls down are dropped in a BIG WAY. Drop the ego and bring in a paycheck.

Give him a deadline to get ANY job. If he hasn't gotten a job by then, you kick him out.

This. My husband ended up unemployed (20 year successful professional) due to downsizing and in between applications and interviews he certainly did more around the house and with the kids than ever before. We agreed the that after unemployment ran out (about 4 months) he’d take any job - a major pay cut or retail, landscaping or whatever just to be working and earning money. Back to school was also on the table. I have no doubt that if it came to that he would have worked at fast food if he had to just to do something!

Retail and landscaping? Back to school was ‘also on the table?’ You sound like a horrible wife and partner. More like an overbearing mother than a spouse.

Really? So a good wife works and does all the housework while the husband does what exactly? Contemplates life? Plays? This sounds like a mother/toddler relationship.

I feel you OP. My DH has either not really worked or WFH below his potential for 4 years. We just relocated and thank God he is interviewing for jobs that are out of the house and at his professional level. For the last 3 years, he’s been using the guise of helping at home to avoid FT work. He was making dinner about twice a week and doing the kids’ lunches, but no cleaning and I sufficient grocery shopping. I am elated that it looks like he’s about to start working FT. I am more than happy to take on whatever home stuff he was doing and more and get this place in order (I am dialing back post-move).

OP, I would tell him you intend to divorce if he doesn't have a job in 3 months. I hate ultimatums but you're in an intolerable situation.

Anonymous wrote:My brother married a woman who stopped working soon after marriage. Excuse after excuse. She did little around the house and they did not have kids. Then one day filed for divorce and alimony and lives off half his retirement, home profits and alimony (due to the fact that she never worked and is depressed she gets full support?!!).

Maybe ops DH is just waiting for assets to accrue before he leaves.

She likely would have to pay alimony. If they are over 50 then it could be for a LONG time.

My brother married a woman who stopped working soon after marriage. Excuse after excuse. She did little around the house and they did not have kids. Then one day filed for divorce and alimony and lives off half his retirement, home profits and alimony (due to the fact that she never worked and is depressed she gets full support?!!).

Maybe ops DH is just waiting for assets to accrue before he leaves.

My father didn’t work for most of my late childhood. He’s not lazy—he always did lots of housework and projects. But the prolonged unemployment killed my mom’s respect for him. They are now both retired and I think things are better for them, but my mom still has so much anger that she mostly doesn’t express. Their marriage was so shitty for so long, though, that it damaged all of us kids. I’ve never told my mom that because it would add to her burden but I’m telling you because you have time to fix it. Do NOT stay in a marriage full of resentment. It’s on him to fix things but if he won’t, it’s on you to leave.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is meant to be a SAHD.

Our kids are teenagers and don't need a SAHD. And he does not handle almost any household responsibilities. I didn't consent to his not working.

I've given him a deadline before. He got some contract work a d did it for a few weeks. Then it dried up and he wouldn't do retail or administrative because he had to be free to take on more contract work if it came along. But it didn't.

As for his side of the story, it's that he got depressed. But he's on medication and has done some therapy - and quit. He just won't stick with anything.

You need to divorce this anchor weight. There's really no alternative, his career is being a sponge.

Anonymous wrote:Tell him he either needs to be the full-time housekeeper and deal with (list of tasks or responsibilities)

OR

Get a job, even a retail job, 40 hours a week minimum

OR

Get a divorce.

His choice, pick one, in 3 months, one of these three things is happening.

I think this is the best advice you've received.

OP it seems like you wrote this just over a year ago, why has nothing changed?

OP here. It's not that I'm a doormat; in my career, as a parent, and as a friend I have good boundaries and am assertive and confident.

I'm just grieving and freaked out, not understanding how I married a smart public interest lawyer who lived a normal life, how we *had* a normal life, and it's gone for reasons beyond my control. The fact that he really could fix it makes me want him to. The fact that he's unilaterally taken away what we had makes me lose sleep. I'm unused to problems that are totally beyond my control.

The gaslighting feels so crazy and unrealistic that I'm having a hard time even processing it. It's so far from my experience I'm expecting him to come home from therapy one day and say he figured out the truth- that his depression and having his life become so narrow warped his perspective.

I am going to figure out an exit path, but I'm not ready to start down it because there is no earthly reason this person I married shouldn't come back.

But if he doesn't seem to be on his way back by the end of the year, I'll have to pull the plug.

Extremely sad about all of this.

Tired of no sex, too. I get hit on a lot and don't act on it. Boy would I like to blow off steam, though.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe he is meant to be a SAHD.

Our kids are teenagers and don't need a SAHD. And he does not handle almost any household responsibilities. I didn't consent to his not working.

I've given him a deadline before. He got some contract work a d did it for a few weeks. Then it dried up and he wouldn't do retail or administrative because he had to be free to take on more contract work if it came along. But it didn't.

As for his side of the story, it's that he got depressed. But he's on medication and has done some therapy - and quit. He just won't stick with anything.

Teenagers could in fact use a SAHD.
I would chat with him about taking on more household responsibilities and then revisit the situation once the kids are in college.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Being out of a job is understandable for 6 months to a year. After that, a back up plan needs to be put in place where standards for what type of job and what salary he pulls down are dropped in a BIG WAY. Drop the ego and bring in a paycheck.

Give him a deadline to get ANY job. If he hasn't gotten a job by then, you kick him out.

This. My husband ended up unemployed (20 year successful professional) due to downsizing and in between applications and interviews he certainly did more around the house and with the kids than ever before. We agreed the that after unemployment ran out (about 4 months) he’d take any job - a major pay cut or retail, landscaping or whatever just to be working and earning money. Back to school was also on the table. I have no doubt that if it came to that he would have worked at fast food if he had to just to do something!

Retail and landscaping? Back to school was ‘also on the table?’ You sound like a horrible wife and partner. More like an overbearing mother than a spouse.

Tell him he either needs to be the full-time housekeeper and deal with (list of tasks or responsibilities)

OR

Get a job, even a retail job, 40 hours a week minimum

OR

Get a divorce.

His choice, pick one, in 3 months, one of these three things is happening.