I was never really taught how to pick a boyfriend/husband. The only commentary I ever heard from family was along the lines of “you’re too pretty for him”. So I tended to judge based on shallow criteria such as looks, job, salary, etc. In retrospect, I wish I had understood how important it is to have common values and interests.

I also think I married way too young. I think it’s better to wait to marry until you’ve been a functioning adult running your own household for several years, so you understand how important it is to have someone that can cook, clean, etc.

Anonymous wrote:As I explained to a woman friend, you want someone who is:
-- talk, yet short
-- muscular, but not too built up
-- strong, yet sensitive
-- a powerful breadwinner, yet home at 5:30
-- a sexual Olympian

all in ONE person. Doesn't exist and that is why husbands are considered disappointing. Also, women generally have long lists of what they want from a man. Men have much fewer requirements. That is why married woman are often unhappy.

Ignorance is bliss. Especially when you have kids. Just throw your hands up and say Who Cares?

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t disappointing.

Mine is great and I got what I hoped for. In fact a lot more given he is far more successful then I ever imagined but without having traded off being a good father and husband.

Anonymous wrote:As I explained to a woman friend, you want someone who is:
-- talk, yet short
-- muscular, but not too built up
-- strong, yet sensitive
-- a powerful breadwinner, yet home at 5:30
-- a sexual Olympian

all in ONE person. Doesn't exist and that is why husbands are considered disappointing. Also, women generally have long lists of what they want from a man. Men have much fewer requirements. That is why married woman are often unhappy.

If the husband makes good bank and the couple has kids, that’s where the wife focuses her interests.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, just to be clear, is the problem that women have expectations that are too low and end up enabling behavior that they don’t like, or is the problem that women’s expectations are too high, and they don’t love and appreciate all of the good things about their husbands despite flaws?
I mean, I am clear that the reason most men can’t just be nice and consider other people is all the fault of their wives. I am just wondering where exactly the wives are going wrong.

This is a great point. I have noticed that friends whose husbands don’t help definitely enable the behavior (or lack of). In the early years they never left their husband alone with the newborn, never handed over certain responsibilities to the husband, continued to have kids with the man child. I don’t get the impression they were ever direct and told their husband what he could do to make things better. Instead they do it all and are the default parent without giving up a fight.

yeah if you don't actually TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND the only person to blame is you

so who is the kid non adult in these situations again lol

don’t think it’s just talking. It’s leaving your husband alone with your kids at a young age. Not when they are napping. Here are other things you can do

1. Don’t automatically cook dinner. When he asks you what is for dinner ask him back. Eventually he will learn that he has to take responsibility for having dinner. This means planning ,groceries etc

2. Don’t leave the house with diapers. When your child needs a new one then ask him if he brought them. When he didn’t say you have to go home. Repeat until he helps. Don’t have a feminine diaper bag. Have one you can share and both use

3. Don’t clean up unless he helps. If he doesn’t do dishes let them pile up. If he goes and buys paper plates get divorced

4. Don’t buy gifts. Little kids don’t know anyway. Ask your husband on your two year old’s birthday if he remembered to buy presents because you didn’t.

I could go on. I have a husband who coparents fwiw.

My husband isn’t disappointing.

I am not disappointed. I got married in my 30s, so I had a pretty good idea what I was signing up for in terms of money habits and his ability to live alone, cook a decent meal, not be a slob, etc. we have 2 small kids and my husband is capable of caring for them alone and shouldering a good portion of things like school registration, scheduling Dr appt, etc. We both work full time.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, just to be clear, is the problem that women have expectations that are too low and end up enabling behavior that they don’t like, or is the problem that women’s expectations are too high, and they don’t love and appreciate all of the good things about their husbands despite flaws?
I mean, I am clear that the reason most men can’t just be nice and consider other people is all the fault of their wives. I am just wondering where exactly the wives are going wrong.

This is a great point. I have noticed that friends whose husbands don’t help definitely enable the behavior (or lack of). In the early years they never left their husband alone with the newborn, never handed over certain responsibilities to the husband, continued to have kids with the man child. I don’t get the impression they were ever direct and told their husband what he could do to make things better. Instead they do it all and are the default parent without giving up a fight.

yeah if you don't actually TALK TO YOUR HUSBAND the only person to blame is you

so who is the kid non adult in these situations again lol

Anonymous wrote:So, just to be clear, is the problem that women have expectations that are too low and end up enabling behavior that they don’t like, or is the problem that women’s expectations are too high, and they don’t love and appreciate all of the good things about their husbands despite flaws?
I mean, I am clear that the reason most men can’t just be nice and consider other people is all the fault of their wives. I am just wondering where exactly the wives are going wrong.

This is a great point. I have noticed that friends whose husbands don’t help definitely enable the behavior (or lack of). In the early years they never left their husband alone with the newborn, never handed over certain responsibilities to the husband, continued to have kids with the man child. I don’t get the impression they were ever direct and told their husband what he could do to make things better. Instead they do it all and are the default parent without giving up a fight.

Anonymous wrote:So, just to be clear, is the problem that women have expectations that are too low and end up enabling behavior that they don’t like, or is the problem that women’s expectations are too high, and they don’t love and appreciate all of the good things about their husbands despite flaws?
I mean, I am clear that the reason most men can’t just be nice and consider other people is all the fault of their wives. I am just wondering where exactly the wives are going wrong.

I like you PP

As I explained to a woman friend, you want someone who is:
-- talk, yet short
-- muscular, but not too built up
-- strong, yet sensitive
-- a powerful breadwinner, yet home at 5:30
-- a sexual Olympian

all in ONE person. Doesn't exist and that is why husbands are considered disappointing. Also, women generally have long lists of what they want from a man. Men have much fewer requirements. That is why married woman are often unhappy.

Life can be generally tiring. Sometimes we focus on things that don’t really matter.

Women get married hoping their husbands will change and men hope their wives don't.

Yes.

Men typically never. grow. up.

Anonymous wrote:Life is generally disappointing.

+1000

As are people, being a large part of life.