Anonymous
Post 06/15/2019 18:37     Subject: If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
I think it comes down to finances. How hard would a divorce make your kid’s day to day life. I could never forgive an affair. I just know I couldn’t.
Anonymous
Post 06/15/2019 18:18     Subject: Re:If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:By recognizing my spouse is human and human's make mistakes. By evaluating behavior over time and not a moment in time. By understanding that we are all tempted, and I was not perfect in the marriage either. By taking account of the pros and cons of staying together or divorcing and seeing which one made sense for me and our kids.

All that noted, I agree with others that if OP has no base of love to work with, the cheating is irrelevant. Amicably split.

Is it actually a"mistake," or a choice made daily to cheat and lie?


Well of course it's a choice, just as it's a choice to get fat, to stop having sex with your spouse, to have not gotten a good enough job to provide a good living, to eat poorly and get diabetes, to buy take out instead of making a nutritious meal. The point is we aren't perfect, and you can choose your hill to die on because your spouse will disappoint you at some point for some reason. You can accept they are human and imperfect or move on to the next.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 18:10     Subject: Re:If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:By recognizing my spouse is human and human's make mistakes. By evaluating behavior over time and not a moment in time. By understanding that we are all tempted, and I was not perfect in the marriage either. By taking account of the pros and cons of staying together or divorcing and seeing which one made sense for me and our kids.

All that noted, I agree with others that if OP has no base of love to work with, the cheating is irrelevant. Amicably split.

Is it actually a"mistake," or a choice made daily to cheat and lie?


Yes. No different than stealing, doing drugs, or anything behavior related.

Excepts drugs can become a physical addiction/dependency. Stealing over a long time period is no more a "mistake" than cheating.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 17:41     Subject: Re:If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:By recognizing my spouse is human and human's make mistakes. By evaluating behavior over time and not a moment in time. By understanding that we are all tempted, and I was not perfect in the marriage either. By taking account of the pros and cons of staying together or divorcing and seeing which one made sense for me and our kids.

All that noted, I agree with others that if OP has no base of love to work with, the cheating is irrelevant. Amicably split.

Is it actually a"mistake," or a choice made daily to cheat and lie?


Yes. No different than stealing, doing drugs, or anything behavior related.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 16:51     Subject: Re:If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:By recognizing my spouse is human and human's make mistakes. By evaluating behavior over time and not a moment in time. By understanding that we are all tempted, and I was not perfect in the marriage either. By taking account of the pros and cons of staying together or divorcing and seeing which one made sense for me and our kids.

All that noted, I agree with others that if OP has no base of love to work with, the cheating is irrelevant. Amicably split.


Same here and my desire to NOT destroy my family is strong.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 16:31     Subject: Re:If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:By recognizing my spouse is human and human's make mistakes. By evaluating behavior over time and not a moment in time. By understanding that we are all tempted, and I was not perfect in the marriage either. By taking account of the pros and cons of staying together or divorcing and seeing which one made sense for me and our kids.

All that noted, I agree with others that if OP has no base of love to work with, the cheating is irrelevant. Amicably split.

Is it actually a"mistake," or a choice made daily to cheat and lie?
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 15:57     Subject: Re:If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
We're twelve years out from DH's affair. I'm not going to lie, it was really, really hard. But ultimately it has been worth it. DH worked very hard on himself and the relationship, and I worked equally as hard. Some motivations: I did not want to be a part time mom to my kids. That is, I didn't want to not be present in their lives 24/7. The thought of not being with them when they went on vacation, or on holidays or just every day after school was frankly enough to keep me motivated. It was also crucially important that DH understood the magnitude of his actions and was remoreseful. It was also important that I recognize my role in our relationship and how it worked and didn't work, and we were both willing to change.


Great post
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 15:48     Subject: Re:If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
By recognizing my spouse is human and human's make mistakes. By evaluating behavior over time and not a moment in time. By understanding that we are all tempted, and I was not perfect in the marriage either. By taking account of the pros and cons of staying together or divorcing and seeing which one made sense for me and our kids.

All that noted, I agree with others that if OP has no base of love to work with, the cheating is irrelevant. Amicably split.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 14:31     Subject: If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:It takes about 2 to 3 years post-divorce and you start to not really care one bit. A bit more time and you could actually see them in friendly terms, but not someone to actively be friends with, but be chill about co-parenting with her or him.


You get to a point where you feel indifferent about them and simply glad that they are no longer a problem. But the psychological scarring from the betrayal lasts. Op will never again trust anyone that way ever again.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 14:28     Subject: If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You fell out of love and quit having sex with him. I’m not condoning his cheating but certainly it stands to reason that played some role in his actions.


This.

If you don't love him and aren't interested in sleeping with him, then how upset could you possibly be? He's given you a reason to leave...so why not leave?

But if you truly are upset, it's because you do love him. So why not try therapy and see if you can build a happy marriage?


she didn't say she cut him off. she said their sex life "was diminishing." and this was while they had a newborn and infant. that's a completely normal pattern, and any man who would decide he was entitled to have an affair because he didn't prefer the frequency while his wife is caring for an infant is a complete and total cretin. Grow up!


She literally said she FELL OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM. Who’s the cretin now? Cut him loose so he can live his life out with someone who does love him.


In all fairness, the guy was abdicating his responsibility to his wife and babies while he was out on the town screwing around with another woman. Op was probably feeling overwhelmed from shouldering nearly 100% of the childcare responsibilities and was praying for things to get better. Now she's found out about his cheating and.....it all makes sense now. He was lying to her and betraying her while she was focused on caring for their children. That's a pretty hard betrayal to overcome.

Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 13:31     Subject: If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
It takes about 2 to 3 years post-divorce and you start to not really care one bit. A bit more time and you could actually see them in friendly terms, but not someone to actively be friends with, but be chill about co-parenting with her or him.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 13:20     Subject: Re:If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
I stayed and now regret it but not always. I’ve realized over time there are major character flaws. If I didn’t have children I would absolutely leave if I were you. Better to be single than with someone running around on you.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 13:03     Subject: If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:Take a long look at yourself to figure why you couldn't give him what he needed. Cheating isn't always the cheaters fault you know


Yes it is. No different from physical and emotional abuse which includes cheating.

Stop blaming the victim here.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 12:31     Subject: If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You fell out of love and quit having sex with him. I’m not condoning his cheating but certainly it stands to reason that played some role in his actions.


This.

If you don't love him and aren't interested in sleeping with him, then how upset could you possibly be? He's given you a reason to leave...so why not leave?

But if you truly are upset, it's because you do love him. So why not try therapy and see if you can build a happy marriage?


she didn't say she cut him off. she said their sex life "was diminishing." and this was while they had a newborn and infant. that's a completely normal pattern, and any man who would decide he was entitled to have an affair because he didn't prefer the frequency while his wife is caring for an infant is a complete and total cretin. Grow up!


She literally said she FELL OUT OF LOVE WITH HIM. Who’s the cretin now? Cut him loose so he can live his life out with someone who does love him.
Anonymous
Post 06/14/2019 10:34     Subject: If you have been cheated on, how do you forgive your spouse?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:You fell out of love and quit having sex with him. I’m not condoning his cheating but certainly it stands to reason that played some role in his actions.


This.

If you don't love him and aren't interested in sleeping with him, then how upset could you possibly be? He's given you a reason to leave...so why not leave?

But if you truly are upset, it's because you do love him. So why not try therapy and see if you can build a happy marriage?


she didn't say she cut him off. she said their sex life "was diminishing." and this was while they had a newborn and infant. that's a completely normal pattern, and any man who would decide he was entitled to have an affair because he didn't prefer the frequency while his wife is caring for an infant is a complete and total cretin. Grow up!


That's it exactly.

It was probably the best thing because now she knows he's not a good life partner. Probably why she fell out of love with him, saw the signs. On the upside she should quickly move on while she's young.