Anonymous wrote:I'm surprised no one posted my first thought about this. I have family members who pled guilty and served time for illegal substances. We still love them, invite them to our home, interact, etc. We practice unconditional love. We don't allow illegal behavior to occur (so showing up for Thanksgiving high means you can't stay, shooting up in the bathroom means you leave, etc.). I like the pp who suggest talking to your DD about what she feels comfortable with, I think excluding anyone who has made a bad choice is going to make for very small celebrations in the future.

Anonymous wrote:I read this thread from a different perspective than many who are talking about tbe impact of ostracizing a girl who vaped weed.

I was in an abusive relationship and a relationship where alcoholism was an issue, which has made me sensitive to the need to draw boundaries to protect ourselves and the ways in which social pressures to be nice, non-judgmental and inclusive pressure us to continue to expose ourselves to unhealthy people or feel responsible for mitigating others bad choices.

The girl who vaped weed and charged for it did something illegal and promoted unhealthy behavior among her peers. There are consequences for that. Everyone gets to decide on their own how they feel about it personally, but for me, I get to decide what kind of home environment I want and people whom I know to do drugs are not welcome in that environment. The DD’s (and everyone’s) worry about what is the vape girl going to do at the party is so reminiscent of how families get wrapped up in what is the alcoholic going to do.

For me, I would use this to teach healthy boundaries. I’d say I know that the girl did something wrong and that she’s young, so i don’t view her as a bad person, but that I also don’t feel comfortable having someone in my home who is a known drug user. My boundary would be that DD could still have a relationship/contact with the girl in ways that were not in my home and not private and always supervised by adults. Her behavior has resulted in a loss of trust that is a necessity for access to independent activities and privacy and being welcomed into people’s homes. It takes time to earn that back through exhibiting changed behavior.

Anonymous wrote:I am shocked this is even a question.

You do NOT revoke an invitation. That is in incredibly poor manners. I can't believe this. What you can do is make sure there is more supervision at the party. Raise your child with decent manners, OP. She is learning from you now by how you handle this. I can't believe this is even a question!

Secondly, as so many posters have pointed out, this kid needs to be around kids who aren't doing this stuff. Your child is watching how you handle this. If you become the catty/trash talking parents who are comfortable cruelly socially isolating a young teen (and comfortable violating social mores by dis-inviting her!) then be aware that if your dd has problems later, she will not feel comfortable coming to you. She will wonder if you will support her because she saw how easily you can be cruel to a teen. You would not be trustworthy of helping her in her vulnerability.

Finally, if the other teens' parents are engineering dumping this girl, that says a lot about their character. Trash. They are trash.

Anonymous wrote:DD’s party is in 2 weeks. We always chaperone, but this incident shows that a teen can hand a vape pen to another child at the bathroom door.

I can’t see anyone trying to vett our guest list, but there was a group text yesterday about who was going to the movies. Several moms wanted to make sure the big group didn’t include the suspended girl. It didn’t. However, she is not grounded according to DD.

Anonymous wrote:Why would you disinvite over a little weed? I can’t even wrap my head around that logic.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s not otherwise disruptive or rude, I think it’s devestating to be disinvited. It sounds like she’s dealing with actual consequences, which hopefully will lead to a modification in behavior, and no doubt her parents are keeping a very close eye on her. Let her come!

and if she's going to turn this around, she needs some friends who don't vape.

she can't harm your family at a party.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why would you disinvite over a little weed? I can’t even wrap my head around that logic.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
If you know her to be an otherwise courteous, decent kid, then there is no reason to disinvite her.

If you don't know her at all, or you fear she might try to sneak alcohol or vape in to your party, then no.

I don’t know her well. She’s a newish friend to DD. They met in the fall arts elective. She started socializing lightly with DD’s circle, but also kept other groups of friends. I have known her to be courteous when she came to my home or I gave her a ride home. I felt uncomfortable that she always had a lot of cash and a lot of freedom to move about in the evening without checking in with her parents.

I absolutely worry that she might vape weed in my home. I can hardly ask to search her.

Anonymous wrote:OP are these kids in 8th grade? That is young to get caught with weed at school. My answer would be different if it were high school kids. I can't believe how many parents are thinking this isn't a big deal.