Anonymous wrote:OP, as long as you and DH are on the same wavelength, I wouldn't worry about what other family had to say about it. I'm sure they make choices with their kids that give you pause, but you have the good manners not to bring it up (unless of course it's criminal!).

Do I think gifting a kid a nice new car is going to automatically make him/her an entitled brat? No. Life isn't so black and white.

-signed mom of a kid who is going to be getting a 10 yo Ford with 260,000 miles on it.

Saying a Ford means nothing it could be something fun like a Mustang.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at how judgmental people are about parenting choices. My parents paid for everything pretty much through law school. I don’t really remember what happened to any money I earned. I probably gave it to them if it was a lot — summer law jobs-and otherwise spent it in on whatever they would have bought me anyway. Also true for my brother. This worked because we made sensible choices all along, so our parents didn’t need to come up with different rules. We then both managed our money well once we were earning on our own. You parent the kid you have. My current 16-year seems to be in the same mold. She doesn’t ask for much. Asks if something is too expensive. So she is in fact budgeting for herself, just in a different way than most posters are used to. If she were a different kid, I’d parent her differently. Now, you might say she has a greater chance of going off the rails budget wise than if I adopted a different approach, and that may be true, but that doesn’t mean our way of doing things is bad or outside the range of reasonableness. There may be other aspects of her life where we are stricter than the norm. It all balances out.

Okay but it's not clear that anyone likes you.

This is an interesting response — because now you’ve changed the issue away from whether a kid raised the way I’m saying can still make sensible financial decisions to whether certain people will be jealous of a kid with expensive items. Other posters did that as well when they talked about how a kid with an expensive new car should be “ashamed” to admit it. So maybe people are trying to give advice about how it’s valuable not to be ostentatious for the good of the social order, and that may be true. We’re not wealthy, but do have a lot more money than some of my kids’ friends, and I definitely try to make them sensitive to the issues that can arise around that. But again, that’s a different issue than the one I was writing about.

Well I mean I guess the point I'm making is that it's not just that your kid might make poor financial decisions later on, because OP's kids will probably be fine financially and graduate from college and have good, professional jobs like the PP. But that doesn't equate to character. One of the ways teens form their character is by seeking the respect of the people they admire. If you're 16 and you want to drive around in a new Volvo your parents bought for you, that suggests she doesn't know anyone who would find that at all distasteful, which suggests she doesn't have any friends who aren't also rich kids or adult mentors who think she should be more independent. That leads to adults who believe that because they worked hard in school, got a good job, and succeeded in it that they deserve their success and are good people based on that alone (like the PP, who I'm sure does just fine socially within a pretty narrow strip of humanity). It's a parochial way of life. So I guess I'm saying the more important red flag here isn't that mom wants to buy daughter a Volvo, it's that daughter WANTS a Volvo from mom.

Before my parents got me a car in college they always had me drive their new car. Their logic was that if something happened they wanted the best technology/airbags and safety as the car can be replaced than not. I don't think this is a real post but I have no issue with parents buying any cars for kids and if you haven't taught your kid good values, money, etc. by 16, you did something wrong as a parent. Many of us were handed everything as kids and are now good with money and do the same for our kids.

OP, as long as you and DH are on the same wavelength, I wouldn't worry about what other family had to say about it. I'm sure they make choices with their kids that give you pause, but you have the good manners not to bring it up (unless of course it's criminal!).

Do I think gifting a kid a nice new car is going to automatically make him/her an entitled brat? No. Life isn't so black and white.

-signed mom of a kid who is going to be getting a 10 yo Ford with 260,000 miles on it.

Having gone to an expensive private school, I would have to say that there was a strong correlation between kids who had expensive cars and kids who made bad decisions in other ways.

I am not judging you and don’t think it is a big deal one way or another (you aren’t going to scar your kids for life! but I do think it is better to not give kids everything e.g. a new car because it takes away from the excitement of getting a new car when they are an adult and earn it. My parents were very middle class (I got a car that was made before I was born to drive to high school!). I saw a lot of my friends that grew up wealthy didn’t appreciate things as a teen (no perspective, not because their parents made them spoiled brats). Some of them struggle as adults because they aren’t able to maintain the same lifestyle as an adult. I do think just because you can doesn’t mean you should.

Anonymous wrote:I have no issue with providing my kids with a safe, solid 5 year old Japanese car. And gas and insurance. Kid 1 is driving 45 minutes to TJ, and we were really struggling to make all the carpools and pickups happen. Him driving to school the days he stays after for extracurriculars takes the pressure off me and DH.

And, I don’t expect him to work except for some side tutoring gigs. The kid is often at school or commuting 7 am to 8 pm and up until after midnight most nights doing homework. Weekend homework, projects and ECs. He works harder than I do at his “job”, which has been getting the grades to get into a good college, and gets some merit aid if he is out of state/private. Because donut hole. Asking him to work on top of that isn’t reasonable. There are only so many hours in the day. And from a financial standpoint, the better grades and SATs from all the schoolwork led to great merit aid that far exceeds anything he could earn.

In this competitive entry into college environment, it’s hard to see where kids are supposed to find time to work, except summer. And mine did summer school and an unpaid summer internship tied to his senior lab.

I’m glad to support my kid at this point in his life, because he is working hard and progressing towards a career where he can be self reliant. He’ll be expected to work 10 hours a week after the first semester of college (adjustment buffer for ADHD kid), and summers, unless he has an internship related to career goals. Car is not going to college because it isn’t necessary. Public transit and a very occasional Uber will work fine. It is being passed down to the sibling two years behind him who has a learners permit. If he needs a car for something like an internship while still a student, we will revisit.

For me, it’s wants vs needs. He may want a new BMW to take to college. He has needed a reliable and safe used car to take himself to a school with a long commute, and take pressure off the rest of the family. He will not need a car in college, at least at first.

Right now, I am more concerned that he is actively working hard towards becoming a productive adult with a good career and the ability to support himself than I am in him earning money. He should have a PT job when he can. But school and career opportunities take priority. I’m glad to support his needs during this phase of his life, because he’s doing his part.

FWIW i'm the poster above you. also had a 45 minute commute to TJ, also got home ~ 8 pm with after school activities and it was crazy for my parents to be shuttling all the time otherwise. my parents lent me a car that didn't go to college as well. my parents i think had a similar opinion to yours bolded and I share it... in my humble opinion i have a super work ethic and am a good person . one very biased data point but i think you are on the right track.

I have no issue with providing my kids with a safe, solid 5 year old Japanese car. And gas and insurance. Kid 1 is driving 45 minutes to TJ, and we were really struggling to make all the carpools and pickups happen. Him driving to school the days he stays after for extracurriculars takes the pressure off me and DH.

And, I don’t expect him to work except for some side tutoring gigs. The kid is often at school or commuting 7 am to 8 pm and up until after midnight most nights doing homework. Weekend homework, projects and ECs. He works harder than I do at his “job”, which has been getting the grades to get into a good college, and gets some merit aid if he is out of state/private. Because donut hole. Asking him to work on top of that isn’t reasonable. There are only so many hours in the day. And from a financial standpoint, the better grades and SATs from all the schoolwork led to great merit aid that far exceeds anything he could earn.

In this competitive entry into college environment, it’s hard to see where kids are supposed to find time to work, except summer. And mine did summer school and an unpaid summer internship tied to his senior lab.

I’m glad to support my kid at this point in his life, because he is working hard and progressing towards a career where he can be self reliant. He’ll be expected to work 10 hours a week after the first semester of college (adjustment buffer for ADHD kid), and summers, unless he has an internship related to career goals. Car is not going to college because it isn’t necessary. Public transit and a very occasional Uber will work fine. It is being passed down to the sibling two years behind him who has a learners permit. If he needs a car for something like an internship while still a student, we will revisit.

For me, it’s wants vs needs. He may want a new BMW to take to college. He has needed a reliable and safe used car to take himself to a school with a long commute, and take pressure off the rest of the family. He will not need a car in college, at least at first.

Right now, I am more concerned that he is actively working hard towards becoming a productive adult with a good career and the ability to support himself than I am in him earning money. He should have a PT job when he can. But school and career opportunities take priority. I’m glad to support his needs during this phase of his life, because he’s doing his part.

to me, this isn't that different from the answer to "why can't i just cater to my toddler's every need if i can afford/like to?"

because work ethic, self-sufficiency, understanding they need to be able to do things themselves, self-confidence, especially when it comes to something so symbolic as a car is in American culture.

on the other hand, if you want them to get confidence from coming from a rich family (which it also symbolizes, vis a vis their peers in school or general age group) it gives that as well.

and just like giving into some - but not all - toddler whims isnt' going to spoil your kid it depends on the
context here as well.

I mean why do other people need to weigh in, OP?

Would opinions expressed on here really change your mind? They didn't change your mind when they were expressed by people you presumably care about? So why would a message board do that?

Oh wait...you're probably just looking for validation from other like-minded parents, right? Okay, then carry on.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at how judgmental people are about parenting choices. My parents paid for everything pretty much through law school. I don’t really remember what happened to any money I earned. I probably gave it to them if it was a lot — summer law jobs-and otherwise spent it in on whatever they would have bought me anyway. Also true for my brother. This worked because we made sensible choices all along, so our parents didn’t need to come up with different rules. We then both managed our money well once we were earning on our own. You parent the kid you have. My current 16-year seems to be in the same mold. She doesn’t ask for much. Asks if something is too expensive. So she is in fact budgeting for herself, just in a different way than most posters are used to. If she were a different kid, I’d parent her differently. Now, you might say she has a greater chance of going off the rails budget wise than if I adopted a different approach, and that may be true, but that doesn’t mean our way of doing things is bad or outside the range of reasonableness. There may be other aspects of her life where we are stricter than the norm. It all balances out.

Okay but it's not clear that anyone likes you.

This is an interesting response — because now you’ve changed the issue away from whether a kid raised the way I’m saying can still make sensible financial decisions to whether certain people will be jealous of a kid with expensive items. Other posters did that as well when they talked about how a kid with an expensive new car should be “ashamed” to admit it. So maybe people are trying to give advice about how it’s valuable not to be ostentatious for the good of the social order, and that may be true. We’re not wealthy, but do have a lot more money than some of my kids’ friends, and I definitely try to make them sensitive to the issues that can arise around that. But again, that’s a different issue than the one I was writing about.

Well I mean I guess the point I'm making is that it's not just that your kid might make poor financial decisions later on, because OP's kids will probably be fine financially and graduate from college and have good, professional jobs like the PP. But that doesn't equate to character. One of the ways teens form their character is by seeking the respect of the people they admire. If you're 16 and you want to drive around in a new Volvo your parents bought for you, that suggests she doesn't know anyone who would find that at all distasteful, which suggests she doesn't have any friends who aren't also rich kids or adult mentors who think she should be more independent. That leads to adults who believe that because they worked hard in school, got a good job, and succeeded in it that they deserve their success and are good people based on that alone (like the PP, who I'm sure does just fine socially within a pretty narrow strip of humanity). It's a parochial way of life. So I guess I'm saying the more important red flag here isn't that mom wants to buy daughter a Volvo, it's that daughter WANTS a Volvo from mom.

^ our plan is to make the kids use money in their accounts and we will match it. Most of this money is from gifts or from us, so it is more an exercise in researching cars, giving up money they would otherwise have access to for other things, making responsible decisions, etc. We have so much more than my parents did that I feel like we have to work much harder to teach our kids how to manage money. I am super responsible with money and I fear that my kids will be much more relaxed about it because it has always existed in more than sufficient quantity for them. I have zero interest in having an entitled kids who doesn’t have any concept of having to spend $40k on a new, loaded car. Good grades and being nice doesn’t pay the bills.

Agreed with most of the posts here.

I am actually in favor of parents' helping to provide their children with a safe, reliable car, in cases where the parents can afford to do so. Telling the child to "get a job" and buy his own car, usually results in time spent working instead of in school or in social or athletic activities, and also increases the likelihood that the child will end up with an unreliable and/or unsafe car, which does no good to anyone.

That said, a safe, reliable car can be had for under $5k, and would provide a good learning experience for the child (researching makes and models, safety ratings, reading car ads, negotiating with sellers, maintenance costs, etc.). No adolescent needs a "nice" car (late model luxury brand), and doing so will likely result in a rude awakening when the child grows up, gets his first job, and realizes that he cannot afford such a car on his own.

I'm sure that there are adolescents who are given fancy cars who turn out fine, but I would be afraid of sending the message that such a car is necessary and that lesser cars are not good enough for the child.

Anonymous wrote:A few weeks ago, an old friend’s wife posted pics of their daughter in her brand new X5 “driving off for college tours.” I don't care if parents buy their kids cars (new or used) — but I do question the thinking of giving a 16yo a new luxury car that is out of reach for many, if not most adults.

So at least OP is nowhere near that level of awful.

This is so gross. If you want to give your kid an X5, I guess that is your misguided prerogative. But posting a picture is just so gross.

I guess I don't care one way or the other. I don't believe you are necessarily spoiling them. My husband got a brand new car in high school, and he is the hardest worker I know. Grounded, nice guy who understands a budget. It is all in how you raise and teach them.

BUT. I have to believe this is a fake post because a large SUV and Jeep are almost the absolute least safe vehicles you can give a new driver. That part is INSANE.

Anonymous wrote:I don’t want my kids thinking they deserve things they didn’t earn. A new expensive car is not “earned” by good grades. My kids will all have used but safe Japanese sedans. Which is more than I got.

I didn’t know anyone with a fancy car who wasn’t super entitled. Maybe a good student, maybe friendly, but entitled nonetheless.

Same here. Every kid I knew who got a brand-new fancy car in HS turned out to be super entitled. Many of them ran themselves into major debt once they were in college or on their own, because they thought they deserved to keep living the lifestyle that their parents had funded. It never occurred to them that they shouldn't have what they wanted.