Anonymous wrote:

Op here, I agree that there is something that my DS is doing that is drawing in women with mental illness. I am trying to give him some feedback on what he is doing wrong. DS shared the details with me because he is frustrated and wants a healthy relationship with a woman. I am not meddling, or setting him up with women, but I would like to help him change.

I would like to hear from single mentally ill women to hear their perspective on dating.

Why? Your son isn’t the one with the mental illness or is he? Why do you want someone to bare their feeling in dating and dealing with their mental illness so you can use that for your son to avoid them???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you believe Imago therapy we subconsciously find ourselves attracted to what was normal in our childhood. My mom has NPD and then I married one.

So it looks like your son is just accidentally repeating patterns and you are crazy, OP.

Sad but true. I had an absent father and married an absent husband. Regret it daily.

Very true. I kept dating jerks like my father until I realized there are quality men out there. It’s a hard pattern to break but entirely possible.

OP the commonality of all of these women is that your soon is choosing to date them. Stop making excuses for his poor choices, he is not a victim. From these posts you sound like a meddling busybody who needs to step out.

Op here, I agree that there is something that my DS is doing that is drawing in women with mental illness. I am trying to give him some feedback on what he is doing wrong. DS shared the details with me because he is frustrated and wants a healthy relationship with a woman. I am not meddling, or setting him up with women, but I would like to help him change.

I would like to hear from single mentally ill women to hear their perspective on dating.

There isn’t going to be a monolithic perspective in part because people with mental illness are still people with unique personalities, interests, world views, and moral values. So even two people with the same diagnosis may have different philosophies about dating. There are some really good mental health forums outside of DCUM where people discuss dating and marriage. You might be surprised to know that the issues are often the same as folks who have no diagnosed mental illness. People still want more intimacy or more space, crave a variety of partners or take solace in monogamy, fight over the dishes or whether to have another child.

My mother and my sister were narcisists, (clinically mentally ill) with many men in their lives. They were very charming and catered to men, which was very endearing but they turned psycho when the men realized they were crazy & attempted to leave. Mom went to one bf house with an AXE and literally began hacking his back door when he gave her the "it me not you" speech. (She actually got arrested & had to go to court ordered anger managment- no joking. Sis purposefully smashed bf car when she felt he was pulling away- she felt he "loved" the car more than her. Both of them considered themselves "passionate" not crazy. When I was growing up, it was like walking on eggshells with them - happy one moment, depressed/angry the next, & ready to pick a fight. Both routinely twisted the truth, "rewrote history", and loved to spread rumours to meet their purposes. Sis went out with one guy twice, when he wouldn't have sex with her, she determined he "must" have been gay and told everybody she could. BTW neither was really that attractive but they were very sexual and attentive.

To the OP- you can help your son by trying to help him see patterns by really analyzing these relationships. Another key is- your son needs to take it very slow. A very sttractive woman may or may not be crazy, but a crazy one will be controlling, manipulative, complain that she has been taken advantage of & needs a "night in shining armour" to save her and will appeal to his ego. She will want to quickly progress to intimacy. He needs to pay attention- how does she react when she doesn't get her way? Can she hold a job, get along with people, pay her bills, maintain a healthy weight/lifestyle? If he sees any addictions or eating disorders, he needs to take a step back.(Mom & Sis took laxatives & were bulimic- both thought no one else knew.) Attractiveness is not the qualifier -inner damage & twisted thinking is

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you believe Imago therapy we subconsciously find ourselves attracted to what was normal in our childhood. My mom has NPD and then I married one.

So it looks like your son is just accidentally repeating patterns and you are crazy, OP.

Sad but true. I had an absent father and married an absent husband. Regret it daily.

Very true. I kept dating jerks like my father until I realized there are quality men out there. It’s a hard pattern to break but entirely possible.

OP the commonality of all of these women is that your soon is choosing to date them. Stop making excuses for his poor choices, he is not a victim. From these posts you sound like a meddling busybody who needs to step out.

Op here, I agree that there is something that my DS is doing that is drawing in women with mental illness. I am trying to give him some feedback on what he is doing wrong. DS shared the details with me because he is frustrated and wants a healthy relationship with a woman. I am not meddling, or setting him up with women, but I would like to help him change.

I would like to hear from single mentally ill women to hear their perspective on dating.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you believe Imago therapy we subconsciously find ourselves attracted to what was normal in our childhood. My mom has NPD and then I married one.

So it looks like your son is just accidentally repeating patterns and you are crazy, OP.

Sad but true. I had an absent father and married an absent husband. Regret it daily.

Very true. I kept dating jerks like my father until I realized there are quality men out there. It’s a hard pattern to break but entirely possible.

OP the commonality of all of these women is that your soon is choosing to date them. Stop making excuses for his poor choices, he is not a victim. From these posts you sound like a meddling busybody who needs to step out.

Anonymous wrote:If you believe Imago therapy we subconsciously find ourselves attracted to what was normal in our childhood. My mom has NPD and then I married one.

So it looks like your son is just accidentally repeating patterns and you are crazy, OP.

Sad but true. I had an absent father and married an absent husband. Regret it daily.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. If I could guess I would say that these women pursue him in the beginning and they are attractive so he is flattered ...but doesn't see that it's too good to be true. Once he gets involved the crazy comes out and then it's hard to flee from them without drama.

He can be the one to pursue the woman. Between online dating, meeting people with the same interests, and meeting people thru friends he should have decent dating options as long as he is willing to make the effort. If he is attractive or charismatic enough for attractive woman to make the first move on him, I’m assuming he would do pretty well being the one to ask a woman out on a date.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He is really frustrated with dating in general and I hope he doesn't give up. He has had to temporarily move from his apt because he is afraid of her stalking or vandalizing his car.

Do other men have problems with crazies like this?

All of the young men I've ever known that have been magnets for crazy women have major mommy issues. Sounds like this is on you, OP.

What's a mommy issue?

DP: helpless women who tend to be emotionally dramatic and/or hypochondriac. Probably OP’s son watched her have crying jags and learned he could make her smile or feel better by being a sweet little boy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He is really frustrated with dating in general and I hope he doesn't give up. He has had to temporarily move from his apt because he is afraid of her stalking or vandalizing his car.

Do other men have problems with crazies like this?

All of the young men I've ever known that have been magnets for crazy women have major mommy issues. Sounds like this is on you, OP.

What's a mommy issue?

He's choosing these women. One bad relationship is bad luck, but many relationships that are bad in the same way means that you are at least part of the problem.

The red flags are the same regardless of gender--too intense too fast, black-and-white thinking, always blaming exes for relationship problems, or blaming others for problems in general, demanding commitment, problems maintaining employment or friendships, etc.

Some people have White Knight issues, where they are attracted to people with issues because they think they can "save" them. Others like the attention and find the possessiveness flattering, at least at first.

I would suggest that he make a list of what he liked about these women, and what the problems were, and see if there are any connections. If none seems to show up, I'd suggest counseling to help him see the patterns.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. He is really frustrated with dating in general and I hope he doesn't give up. He has had to temporarily move from his apt because he is afraid of her stalking or vandalizing his car.

Do other men have problems with crazies like this?

All of the young men I've ever known that have been magnets for crazy women have major mommy issues. Sounds like this is on you, OP.

He chooses crazy very attractive women over ok stable women; a lot of men do this.

A lot of us run with an opportunity if and when she appears. One doesn’t often (or ever) have a choice between crazy and not crazy, merely between dating or not dating.

Actually, your son sounds like he is wowed by the outside of a woman, but doesn't think about her personality and warning signs when he starts a relationship. He chooses crazy very attractive women over ok stable women; a lot of men do this.

Anonymous wrote:OP here. If I could guess I would say that these women pursue him in the beginning and they are attractive so he is flattered ...but doesn't see that it's too good to be true. Once he gets involved the crazy comes out and then it's hard to flee from them without drama.

OP, you're still making your son sound like he's a passive recipient and doesn't make his own choices. He is the one choosing these women. No one else.

Okay, here's a guess. You son sounds like someone who grew up in a family with addictions. Sometimes the children of addicts learn how to be rescuers and spend all their energy rescuing instead of taking care of themselves. Granted, this is a leap. I don't know anything about your family so please feel free to reject this. But the way you describe this situation, that's what comes to mind.

There are clues at the beginning. If he is confused by words or actions for any reason at the beginning, he needs to walk away. There is no talking about it. If something is off, if there is a nasty disagreement about something, just bail.

He needs to define what he needs in a relationship. That will help him negotiate and walk away from unsatisfying relationships.