Anonymous wrote:OP - you have very unreasonable expectations

and the fact that you feel the way you do, as a Grandparent, would make me want to be around you even less.

Op here. That’s fine. Hope they don’t need my help someday, since they’ve shown almost no interest in helping me. Scratch that, we can help them 3-4 times a year because we have “our own busy lives.” It’s a two way street.

OP - you have very unreasonable expectations

and the fact that you feel the way you do, as a Grandparent, would make me want to be around you even less.

Anonymous wrote:"No, my in laws can't help out. They are busy and don't babysit very often." That should end all assumptions, no?

This. The problem is that your friends have super-involved enthusiastic grandparents and unrealistic expectations that everyone's family is just like theirs. Not everyone's family is like theirs, and that is ok. If they are real friends, they will understand that some grandparents are more into the grandkids while others are more into enjoying their lives after years of working and raising their own kids.

My sister is in a similar spot as you, OP. Her friends all have these very enthusiastic parents who would beg to take the baby overnight or go to all the hockey games or offer to babysit every weekend or insist the kids come stay with them for several nights so the couple could go somewhere. My sister was disappointed and resentful that my parents were more into their own busy lives and weren't all over her kids other than sometimes attending events or keeping them overnight. I told her I understood why she was resentful, but our parents were never going to magically turn into the excited baby-lovers she wanted, and her friends' parents are not the norm. Grandparents come in many flavors. If they are alive and healthy and have a good relationship with your kids, be thankful.

We've been in the private k-8 (carpooling required), sports, parties, playdates etc etc world for 15 years over 4 kids. In all that time I only know a handful, less than 5 sets of grandparents who we see regularly at games and such. And over the years, I haven't see more than handful or so of grands on regular carpool duty. If OP can be believed, I'd say her world view is skewed. Doesn't matter, you got the inlaws you got.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My healthy wealthy local parents aren’t interested in babysitting either. You sound entitled and insufferable. Hire a babysitter.

+1. And hardly anyone asks me or presses me on this. Are you friends and coworkers the kinds who depend on free babysitting from local relatives?

OP here. Yes almost all of my friends have involved grandparents. One of my friends inlaws picked her kids up from daycare the night of the horrible traffic and she and her husband went out to dinner downtown. Her inlaws are constantly backstopping her. Most of my friends have some version of this. My mom would have been too if she were local and hadn’t gotten cancer. When she was alive she took them for weekends many times a year and was incredibly helpful whenever she came.

Anonymous wrote:My healthy wealthy local parents aren’t interested in babysitting either. You sound entitled and insufferable. Hire a babysitter.

+1. And hardly anyone asks me or presses me on this. Are you friends and coworkers the kinds who depend on free babysitting from local relatives?

My parents once took care of my 4 and 2 year old for 10 days. They were exhausted! Now it's one night only a few times a year and I'm fine with it. When I was growing up we didn't live any where near my grandparents and my parents some how found a way to survive. OP - you're lucky they'll do one night a few times a year! Get over feeling dissed by your IL's.

My in laws live local and they have never taken our kids over night and rarely babysit. I don't lose any sleep over it as they are in their 70's and my three little ones are a handful. My parents are local half the year and they baby sit once a month or so and one or two of my kids will spend a night with them. They will take care of all three staying at our place for one or maybe two nights max once a year. My Dad will do some chauffeuring to preschool and camp which is a big bonus. It would be great if they did more but they are busy with their own lives. In a pinch they come to my rescue but I don't take advantage of them.

my in laws dont help either, and they aren't wealthy

at least you might get money one day, or colleges paid for

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I stated in the OP of course they don’t “owe” me, but most of my friends have 3+ kids and local grandparents help a ton, like driving to sports practices or keeping the younger while the older has an activity, etc. My friends all assume my inlaws are the same and they are not. How do I put an end to the questions without just saying “my inlaws don’t really help.”

My own mother (now deceased) lives in my hometown but would absolutely have been like my friends parents. Feel sorry for my kids - they got a dead grandma and a dud grandma. Some kids get two awesome grandmas. It’s sad.

Branch out in the friends department, then. Most of my friends are not local to the area and we don't have grandparents to help us. My parents live in Europe.
The worst you can do to yourself is whine and think you've got it hard. No, you've got it easier than most, my dear.

+1,000. I usually don't do this, because I don't sit around feeling sorry for myself, but, due to a tragic accident and cancer, my dc has exactly zero living grandparents (he had one that lived long enough to see him as an infant). So, count your blessings, and move on.

"No, my in laws can't help out. They are busy and don't babysit very often." That should end all assumptions, no?

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As I stated in the OP of course they don’t “owe” me, but most of my friends have 3+ kids and local grandparents help a ton, like driving to sports practices or keeping the younger while the older has an activity, etc. My friends all assume my inlaws are the same and they are not. How do I put an end to the questions without just saying “my inlaws don’t really help.”

My own mother (now deceased) lives in my hometown but would absolutely have been like my friends parents. Feel sorry for my kids - they got a dead grandma and a dud grandma. Some kids get two awesome grandmas. It’s sad.

Apparently, they also have a horse's patoot mother.

My MIL and SIL would have taken the kids any day of the week but I didn't care for them so I rarely let it happen. My other SILs with kids felt the same way about these two. Unfortunately, they needed the financial support and let MIL have her way with the grandkids until the children were too busy with activities and sports.

Anonymous wrote:OP, why can't you just tell them your in-laws don't help out frequently? I think they give you plenty (3-4 overnights per year? I literally can't fathom that level of help), but also don't understand why you can't be honest when people ask.

Agree with this. Just say they don't help. My local, healthy. wealthy in-laws don't help us at all (they literally refused to be on call as the BACK UP PLAN to watch our firstborn when I went into labor with my second). It's just a fact - there's nothing to be ashamed about when it comes up with my friends. My friends with tons of grandparent help aren't weird about it...they just acknowledge how lucky they are to get so much help.

Anonymous wrote:My retired local wealthy inlaws are not interested in keeping our kids. They’ll “do us a favor” from time to time for a few hours or a single night but only 3-4 times a year and definitely no more than 1 night.

Yes I know they don’t “owe” me anything.

How do I explain this to friends and family who just assume my inlaws are such a big help to me? I get lots of comments like “can’t your inlaws help you out?”

While I would be tempted to be honest I would probably say something vague like, "They are really involved with a lot of commitments - they aren't available for [whatever the thing is]." People should take the hint after a few times and you won't have to answer the question.