You are not really married until you have kids.

I think marriage as an institution is both necessary for societal stability and also soul crushing for individuals, even when it's not particularly bad or combative or fraught. It can just be so tedious and repetitive and boring and exhausting but yes also comforting and centering.

Anonymous wrote:Definitely not

We’ve been married for 14 years, have three kids (10, 8, 6) and DH is my best friend and favorite person. Sex is better than ever because we’re completely comfortable with each other. We have it 2-3 times a week

Wow are you us? The details are the same except we will be coming up on 13 years.

We try to be kind and forgiving with each other and talk out problems when they come up. We aren't perfect people but I think we appreciate each other a lot b.c we were each married previously to complete jerks.

We have been married only 7 years. It's over all great but there were some very sucky parts. We got over them,
Never took it out on each other. We really try to make time to reconnect and laugh.

Anonymous wrote:I have a very good marriage. Our kids are grown. We enjoy spending time with each other.

I am one of older pps here. Youngest a senior in HS. I think a lot of people are looking for issues these days whereas when I got married in early 90s, you worked it out. Your parents tried to work it out. I get the sense that there is no desire or the financial need to work things out to be able to get to enjoying time together after 20 some years of marriage. I am talking about issues like fights, irritants, different house keeping or child minding issues. Not abuse or infidelity.

I have a very good marriage. Our kids are grown. We enjoy spending time with each other.

I can relate to many of the pp's concerns.

But, whenever DH and I are in a crowd (family, friends or strangers), we are always physically touching. It's the strangest thing. Walking...we hold hands. In a crowded room, he may come to me and place his hand on my lower back. Sitting in a crowded audience...my hand automatically reaches over and vice versa. We never speak about it. Last year, at my father's funeral, DH stood behind me at gravesite and just played with the bottom of my hair...it dawned on me that he did the same exact thing at my mother's funeral years earlier. We have a strong physical connection, magnetic at times. Don't really know what this means. It just is.

We’ve been married over 30 years and my marriage definitely does not suck! We know we are very lucky.

I would rate mine as really good but we’ve only been married 10 years so that’s prob not enough time to say?

It's mostly all suck. So glad I decided to never get married again. I've never regretted that decision but oh how I've regretted marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think it’s common. I’m 40 and none of my HS or college friends are divorced, none of my neighbors I know are divorced, only one family I know at are large preschool are divorced. All of the families we socialize with seem genuinely happy. I am happy with 2 small kids.

The divorces start later in a marriage. Almost all the ones I know happened end of HS or during college.

Common divorce periods:

-- early years of parenting

-- seven years

-- right after last child leaves for college

-- when one person in the marriage retires

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t get married if I could do it over. You change too much over the course of a lifetime. Finding someone who’s truly compatible with you at 30 and at 60 seems like hitting the lottery.

Exactly. This isn't 1890 where you lived on a farm and died early.

I think possibly US women think that their husbands should be this perfect emotional support, good a house keeping and cooking, best friend, earning a lot of money. Look at immigrant woman, all she wanted is someone that has money and she is in the White House. Ha, I bet you her marriage sucks on so many levels, but at least she has money and if she is smart she will start writing her books of tell all to earn a ton of her own money.
Also, people here on dcum are constantly looking for issues to be upset about because they are bored. Can't get over my anger that MIL spilled the beans on grandparents coming on a cruise? my sister has her life together, my DH hates my house project, my wife bought DS a Lexus, was it?? so he will go to GMU, and occasional pp with real marriage problems.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I listened to a podcast recently where a woman has done all this research into marriages in many different cultures, and the conclusion she came to was that the US puts way too much emphasis on marriage. We expect our spouses to be our lovers, best friends, therapists, life coach, etc. and in the cultures that do not do that, they are happier in their marriages. I found that really interesting.

a lot of people do have all that and more in their spouse because they found/chose the right person and they make an effort to keep the love going

BS. They got lucky.

Ok, so DH and I have only been married for 5 years, but I will say we're really, really happy.

We have our arguments, but we're becoming much better communicators. We have a kid we adore and don't plan to have another in part because things just work so well right now.

So in short -- no, I don't think all marriages suck.