Also, if you know that you and your siblings don't really like each other, your sister knows this, too. She's including you in family events/birthdays/holidays, so it's not like she's refusing to have anything to do with you, she just doesn't want to casually hang out with you or have you join her when she's hanging out with friends and neighbors who probably do like her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sibling and spouse are like this too...always "too busy." I took their statement at face value for years, until we moved to the area and they discovered social media. Now I know they are "too busy" socializing with their friends and we are rarely included--to the point that one of their friends will ask me, on the twice or so a year we see them, "why weren't you at your siblings party?" Um, we weren't invited?

It makes me sad, but I am in the process of making peace with the situation myself. I've been the family outs for a while, as my family goes between making someone a golden child to blacksheep and then reversing.

Still love my sibling, but we have different personalities and different priorities. The big happy family is not going to happen for me, and I've been in therapy dealing with that and other issues, and trying to be grateful and happy for what I do have.

THANK YOU! This sounds like us. We are invited to parties, though, so that's good. I know now that "busy" means "we don't want to spend time with you." It used to REALLY bother me, but after last weekend I am almost at peace with it. We are so fortunate to have incredible friends and more.

Wait, what? Your sister invites you to parties, and you're upset that she doesn't invite you to come hang over at her house?

Yes. I'd like to see her more than 4x a year.

Anonymous wrote:OP, you want people to be kind, but it seems like you are not hearing. What you describe as “just wanting to hang out” and having your kids “join the fun” is probably not as easy as it seems, particularly if these families have a long pattern of impromptu interaction. You are awfully judgmental about how your sister *should* have spent her weekend. I don’t know if she is nice or not, but build your own life and quit obsessing about how she is supposed to fit into your plan.

+1
You keep insisting that it would be so easy for her to include you, because her time with the neighbors is informal, that she wouldn't have to host you, etc. But she's friends with those people. They have a history and pattern of informally hanging out, and they get along, the kids get along, they likely have similar parenting styles, etc. It's *not* easy and relaxed to have people over that you don't get along well with, that have different parenting styles, and that would change the dynamic.

If she didn't have kids, would you even care that you weren't invited?

OP, you want people to be kind, but it seems like you are not hearing. What you describe as “just wanting to hang out” and having your kids “join the fun” is probably not as easy as it seems, particularly if these families have a long pattern of impromtu interaction. You are awfully judgmental about how your sister *should* have spent her weekend. I don’t know if she is nice or not, but build your own life and quit obsessing about how she is supposed to fit into your plan.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, my sibling and spouse are like this too...always "too busy." I took their statement at face value for years, until we moved to the area and they discovered social media. Now I know they are "too busy" socializing with their friends and we are rarely included--to the point that one of their friends will ask me, on the twice or so a year we see them, "why weren't you at your siblings party?" Um, we weren't invited?

It makes me sad, but I am in the process of making peace with the situation myself. I've been the family outs for a while, as my family goes between making someone a golden child to blacksheep and then reversing.

Still love my sibling, but we have different personalities and different priorities. The big happy family is not going to happen for me, and I've been in therapy dealing with that and other issues, and trying to be grateful and happy for what I do have.

THANK YOU! This sounds like us. We are invited to parties, though, so that's good. I know now that "busy" means "we don't want to spend time with you." It used to REALLY bother me, but after last weekend I am almost at peace with it. We are so fortunate to have incredible friends and more.

Wait, what? Your sister invites you to parties, and you're upset that she doesn't invite you to come hang over at her house?

My two cents:

- If you and both of your siblings all have levels of estrangement there is something going on that is probably not going to be resolved without careful, thoughtful direct conversation. That's deep-seated, decades long stuff you're working against.
- You and your sister live very different lives, so they're not going to mesh easily even if you BOTH really wanted them to.
- Hanging out w/ neighbors is zero stress, low pressure, little commitment, maximum flexibility. I have neighbors I hang out w/ a lot because our yards adjoin and it's convenient. We'd never be friends otherwise, and we rarely see each other during the winter. But at the end of a long day, or in a packed weekend, tossing the kids in the yard is a delightfully easy thing to do. That doesn't mean I don't want to see the other folks with whom it would take more coordination, it just means it's easy and low stress. That's a major win in my life (in which I'm a working mom juggling a gazillion things all the time.)
- Anyone with whom I and my family are getting together 4 times a year is something who is hugely prioritized in my world. That's a lot. (Unless you're my neighbor.

Mostly I would advise you to take the pressure off. Stop trying to force a relationship, force more time together, judging how she spends her time, reading more into her actions than she may intend, etc... Just stop putting all the pressure on.

Focus on the regular times you do see her. Maybe invite her and the kids to something fun you plan over the summer. Maybe just shoot for one more get together this year and be happy about that if you can pull it off. Don't take this all so deeply personally.

14:38 posted at the same time as 14:37 - i guess we both picked up on the parenting styles comment

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why don’t you like each other?

Honestly, I do not know. It is deeply rooted in our childhood, that is for sure. We have never been close. We are very, very different. I am a SAHM, she works 60 hours a week. We could not be more different on how we raise our children. My clothes are from old navy, hers are high fashion couture. Those types of things.

Some of the child rearing aspects are extreme and challenging when we are together. But I sort of hoped we'd be adults and put family first, and not care.

No one picked up on this bolded part. You raise your kids very differently. You didn't mention your kids' ages so I can't say how compatible the ages are, but if your parenting styles are different then it's possible that your kids behave very differently. Maybe her kids get along better with the neighbor kids because they behave similarly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

OP, I have a neighborhood dynamic like your sister’s. The reason why we all hang out so often is that it’s easy. It’s also really not about the kids. The bonus is that the kids get to play together but it’s really so we can hang out in a very casual way. We also all have similar parenting styles, and have a mutual understanding that we all can parent each other’s kids if necessary. The kids get along really well so there’s very little parenting needed. It’s a break for us as parents, actually.

Changing the dynamic makes it harder, not easier. Your sister would essentially be hosting you, not having downtime of her own. You stated yourself that you have very different parenting styles which makes it not fun or relaxing for your sister. Plus your sister’s kids may prefer to play with their friends instead of giving all their attention to their cousins as you’d probably expect. That leads to an uncomfortable situation. It also impacts the adults because they have to make small talk with you instead of being comfortable with their close friends.

Honestly, every time we have a family involved who is not one of our “usuals” it changes the dynamic negatively and we realize that sometimes it’s best not to mix things up. I will make plans separately with families we want to spend time with that aren’t part of our close neighbor circle, but that doesn’t happen all that often due to the fact that as a dual parent WOH household we don’t have a ton of time. We prefer to spend our little bit of free time with people we can count on to truly make that time enjoyable and easy. That’s the reality of the situation.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

I don't understand how to explain myself without sounding "judgy". I was just saying that the neighbors are always there. She didn't invite them for a party or private playdate. She didn't have plans with them or was busy with them. They are always there. We are never there. How can I express that in a way that makes me sound hurt, and not judgmental? I don't know. But that is what I am trying to do.

Offer to come pick up her kids and take them to a nearby park with your kids to play while she gets things done. The problem is you are trying to commit her to spending half a day with you when she already has more than she can handle going on. Help her out. Or don't. Just drop the wounded, neglected victim routine because that is not going to make her want to see you.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM and even I would have a hard time doing what you are suggesting. Make it easy and it will stop being so hard.

What am I suggesting??? She is already home all weekend with the kids playing in the yard. I know because she sends me photos. I'm not asking her to cook, or drive. Just, to hang out. The kids and my kids in her yard, which is what they are already doing. She doesn't want me to take her kids because the weekend is the time she has with them. And don't say she wants 1:1 time with them and not us, because the neighbor kids are there the whole time too.

You must not have neighbors/friends like this OP. It’s super informal and nothing like hosting.

That is what I am saying. It IS informal. She does NOT need to host us. I've always been clear about that. I just want to drive over and have my kids join the fun.

So invite her to your house. If she keeps declining, you have your answer.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

I don't understand how to explain myself without sounding "judgy". I was just saying that the neighbors are always there. She didn't invite them for a party or private playdate. She didn't have plans with them or was busy with them. They are always there. We are never there. How can I express that in a way that makes me sound hurt, and not judgmental? I don't know. But that is what I am trying to do.

Offer to come pick up her kids and take them to a nearby park with your kids to play while she gets things done. The problem is you are trying to commit her to spending half a day with you when she already has more than she can handle going on. Help her out. Or don't. Just drop the wounded, neglected victim routine because that is not going to make her want to see you.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM and even I would have a hard time doing what you are suggesting. Make it easy and it will stop being so hard.

What am I suggesting??? She is already home all weekend with the kids playing in the yard. I know because she sends me photos. I'm not asking her to cook, or drive. Just, to hang out. The kids and my kids in her yard, which is what they are already doing. She doesn't want me to take her kids because the weekend is the time she has with them. And don't say she wants 1:1 time with them and not us, because the neighbor kids are there the whole time too.

The weekends are her only opportunity to host play dates with her children's friends. Probably the neighbors have her kids over during the week. Honestly, I think it's sad that she can't find a way to fit in some cousin/sister time, too, but she may feel obligated to reciprocate with her neighbors and nurture her children's friendships. Plus, you really don't know how long the neighbors are at her house, it could be for a much shorter time than you think. I think you are better off dropping this with her because you have asked her multiple times about getting together and her response has been to send you pictures of her getting together with the neighbors. You and your kids deserve better, Op.

Thanks. I'm with you. Thanks a lot.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

I don't understand how to explain myself without sounding "judgy". I was just saying that the neighbors are always there. She didn't invite them for a party or private playdate. She didn't have plans with them or was busy with them. They are always there. We are never there. How can I express that in a way that makes me sound hurt, and not judgmental? I don't know. But that is what I am trying to do.

Offer to come pick up her kids and take them to a nearby park with your kids to play while she gets things done. The problem is you are trying to commit her to spending half a day with you when she already has more than she can handle going on. Help her out. Or don't. Just drop the wounded, neglected victim routine because that is not going to make her want to see you.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM and even I would have a hard time doing what you are suggesting. Make it easy and it will stop being so hard.

What am I suggesting??? She is already home all weekend with the kids playing in the yard. I know because she sends me photos. I'm not asking her to cook, or drive. Just, to hang out. The kids and my kids in her yard, which is what they are already doing. She doesn't want me to take her kids because the weekend is the time she has with them. And don't say she wants 1:1 time with them and not us, because the neighbor kids are there the whole time too.

The weekends are her only opportunity to host play dates with her children's friends. Probably the neighbors have her kids over during the week. Honestly, I think it's sad that she can't find a way to fit in some cousin/sister time, too, but she may feel obligated to reciprocate with her neighbors and nurture her children's friendships. Plus, you really don't know how long the neighbors are at her house, it could be for a much shorter time than you think. I think you are better off dropping this with her because you have asked her multiple times about getting together and her response has been to send you pictures of her getting together with the neighbors. You and your kids deserve better, Op.

Not the that extreme, but I too thought that my sister and I would be closer when the kids were born. I tried to force it; it didn't work. I relaxed about it and we see each other a few times a year. It's all good. But I had to release my story and even bigger - my expectations. You have great friends. A good life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

I don't understand how to explain myself without sounding "judgy". I was just saying that the neighbors are always there. She didn't invite them for a party or private playdate. She didn't have plans with them or was busy with them. They are always there. We are never there. How can I express that in a way that makes me sound hurt, and not judgmental? I don't know. But that is what I am trying to do.

Offer to come pick up her kids and take them to a nearby park with your kids to play while she gets things done. The problem is you are trying to commit her to spending half a day with you when she already has more than she can handle going on. Help her out. Or don't. Just drop the wounded, neglected victim routine because that is not going to make her want to see you.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM and even I would have a hard time doing what you are suggesting. Make it easy and it will stop being so hard.

What am I suggesting??? She is already home all weekend with the kids playing in the yard. I know because she sends me photos. I'm not asking her to cook, or drive. Just, to hang out. The kids and my kids in her yard, which is what they are already doing. She doesn't want me to take her kids because the weekend is the time she has with them. And don't say she wants 1:1 time with them and not us, because the neighbor kids are there the whole time too.

You must not have neighbors/friends like this OP. It’s super informal and nothing like hosting.

That is what I am saying. It IS informal. She does NOT need to host us. I've always been clear about that. I just want to drive over and have my kids join the fun.

And your sister clearly has different ideas. Accept it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The thing that struck me most from your post OP was that you didn't count her plans with her neighbors/friends as being "busy." I have a perfectly good relationship with my siblings (not super-close, but definitely friendly), but if they invited my family to do something when I already had plans with neighbors/friends, I'd tell them I was busy without thinking twice about it. I think you are looking for problems if evidence that your sister (gasp) had fun without you is the last straw/evidence that she lied to you/you will never be friends. Why wouldn't it just be evidence that she was, in fact, busy? It's not like she posted photos of her cleaning out her sock drawer or messages about how bored she was? I genuinely don't get it.

Because they are always with their friends and neighbors. If she liked us a little bit, we easily could join in the fun. She didn't have plans with them. They are always just there. It wasn't anything formal.

She told me she was busy at work all day. Then, she posts all the photos of the kids in the yard playing. We could have been there, but she didn't include us. And I'm sorry if that is needy, but it hurts.

Not pp, but I see why your sister might not like you. You seem fraught with judgment, not just neediness. OP your sister probably likes her neighbors because they're low maintenance and don't need a lot of planning or organizing and are thus are more enjoyable to kick back with.

Also, some people like to keep some circles separate. It's just easier that way. Find your own circle of people.

I don't understand how to explain myself without sounding "judgy". I was just saying that the neighbors are always there. She didn't invite them for a party or private playdate. She didn't have plans with them or was busy with them. They are always there. We are never there. How can I express that in a way that makes me sound hurt, and not judgmental? I don't know. But that is what I am trying to do.

Offer to come pick up her kids and take them to a nearby park with your kids to play while she gets things done. The problem is you are trying to commit her to spending half a day with you when she already has more than she can handle going on. Help her out. Or don't. Just drop the wounded, neglected victim routine because that is not going to make her want to see you.

FWIW, I'm a SAHM and even I would have a hard time doing what you are suggesting. Make it easy and it will stop being so hard.

What am I suggesting??? She is already home all weekend with the kids playing in the yard. I know because she sends me photos. I'm not asking her to cook, or drive. Just, to hang out. The kids and my kids in her yard, which is what they are already doing. She doesn't want me to take her kids because the weekend is the time she has with them. And don't say she wants 1:1 time with them and not us, because the neighbor kids are there the whole time too.

You must not have neighbors/friends like this OP. It’s super informal and nothing like hosting.

That is what I am saying. It IS informal. She does NOT need to host us. I've always been clear about that. I just want to drive over and have my kids join the fun.