Anonymous
Post 05/30/2019 16:13     Subject: Re:If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I get you. We paid over $ 350k for DDs education (doctorate) & her own apt throughout college & a new car 2 years before she graduated, so she could do internships. We feel an education is more important than a party (wedding), so we will not pay for a wedding at all. We decided we will give her a monetary wedding gift. If we like the situation, higher. If not lower, BUT we will NOT explain this to her. (We want to be able to help her financially, if the marriage doesn't work or if she decides to be a SAHM).



Curious.... What is the lowest net worth you would be willing to have to provide DD with such privilege? (pension, SS, not considered.)
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2019 14:43     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Give OP a break. It's clear he comes from a culture with different values around marriage, family, and money. There are some cultures where the family of brides are expected to pay large dowries to the grooms' families. In India, thousands of women are killed in dowry disputes every year. He has invested heavily in his daughter and feels his financial obligations to his daughter will continue after marriage. Maybe the other family does expect him to pay up. The worries he expresses reflect the tensions that arise in the transition from arranged marriages within castes (guaranteed social/economic between families and parental approval) and love matches. Without the strictures of tradition to direct behaviors, every marriage can entail these fraught considerations and negotiations. The same questions came up in Western societies as children started to choose their own mates.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2019 10:34     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Anonymous wrote:I saved up and paid 100% for my daughter to go to College she is graduating soon debt free. What if she marries someone with a ton of student loans. She now gets stuck for half the bill. Should this factor in? What if I pay for wedding, they take wedding gifts pays off his student loans.

Seems a bit unequal. Was not planning on paying for whole wedding but usually father of groom chips in the most. So seems unfair if my daughter with no debt inherits debt then I am supposed to bail out my new son-in-law and his parents for debt prior to marriage.

On other hand if daughter marries a guy with no student loans a great job with in-laws give who give down payment for new home jointly in my daughter and new son-in-laws name and a 20K engagement ring I would be a schmuck not to pay for whole wedding. Which I would. After all he and parents have a lot of skin in the game.

Makes me nervous when only the bride and and Father of Bride has skin in the game. Groom did not pay for wedding, does not have a pot to pee in and a bunch of debts why am I getting involved?

What are your thoughts?



I say worry about problems that are here and now not some future off. Your dd may not even marry at all. Or want to pay for it themselves.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2019 10:26     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Anonymous wrote:Grow up. I had an s ton of debt when I got married. It was invested in myself and a business that was just getting off the ground. 5 years later I have no debt and am about to buy an expensive home with cash. I make more in a couple months than both my ILs combined yearly.

Qualifications and benchmarks that lack rational are merely excuses.


Well put.

The operative word in OP's question is "what if?"
What if OP's daughter never gets married because nobody can stand her? What if she's unmarketable?
What would you rather have, a daughter married to someone who loves her and treats her right and maybe has some debt to pay off (and a plan to do so?!) OR a spinster daughter living at home at age 35.

Some people. You can't control everything. You cannot. And even if you could, how do you know you would make all the right decisions? You dont have perfect visibility into the future. nobody does. Raise 'em right and hope they make good choices.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2019 10:20     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Grow up. I had an s ton of debt when I got married. It was invested in myself and a business that was just getting off the ground. 5 years later I have no debt and am about to buy an expensive home with cash. I make more in a couple months than both my ILs combined yearly.

Qualifications and benchmarks that lack rational are merely excuses.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2019 09:21     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I saved up and paid 100% for my daughter to go to College she is graduating soon debt free. What if she marries someone with a ton of student loans. She now gets stuck for half the bill. Should this factor in? What if I pay for wedding, they take wedding gifts pays off his student loans.

Seems a bit unequal. Was not planning on paying for whole wedding but usually father of groom chips in the most. So seems unfair if my daughter with no debt inherits debt then I am supposed to bail out my new son-in-law and his parents for debt prior to marriage.

On other hand if daughter marries a guy with no student loans a great job with in-laws give who give down payment for new home jointly in my daughter and new son-in-laws name and a 20K engagement ring I would be a schmuck not to pay for whole wedding. Which I would. After all he and parents have a lot of skin in the game.

Makes me nervous when only the bride and and Father of Bride has skin in the game. Groom did not pay for wedding, does not have a pot to pee in and a bunch of debts why am I getting involved?

What are your thoughts?


Incorrect. The parents of the bride usually chip in the most.



Not all cultures follow the bride's family pays. I know in Chinese families the groom's family pays.

OP - give only want you are willing to give without strings attach.
Anonymous
Post 05/30/2019 09:13     Subject: Re:If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Anonymous wrote:OP, I get you. We paid over $ 350k for DDs education (doctorate) & her own apt throughout college & a new car 2 years before she graduated, so she could do internships. We feel an education is more important than a party (wedding), so we will not pay for a wedding at all. We decided we will give her a monetary wedding gift. If we like the situation, higher. If not lower, BUT we will NOT explain this to her. (We want to be able to help her financially, if the marriage doesn't work or if she decides to be a SAHM).


OP - my thoughts. I am also paying 100 percent for college and I have three daughters. They will graduate college debt free. I also have advised daughter's move home after college bang out grad school. I will pay 50 percent grad school, they can work at same time pay other half. Want them by 22 or 23 to have grad school done with no loans and a great high paying job so my job is done.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2019 21:31     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Anonymous wrote:What does student loan have to do with wedding costs? Kidding me right? Troll!

You are a fool, right? It comes down to how much of the parents' finances go to children and when.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2019 20:26     Subject: Re:If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Anonymous wrote:I paid for all four of my daughter's college educations and their weddings and only cared that they married somebody who would be good to them. All four married guys who made less money than them. So what.


Sounds like they didn’t get smart at their fancy schools is what.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2019 20:16     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
What does student loan have to do with wedding costs? Kidding me right? Troll!
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2019 19:55     Subject: Re:If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
OP, I get you. We paid over $ 350k for DDs education (doctorate) & her own apt throughout college & a new car 2 years before she graduated, so she could do internships. We feel an education is more important than a party (wedding), so we will not pay for a wedding at all. We decided we will give her a monetary wedding gift. If we like the situation, higher. If not lower, BUT we will NOT explain this to her. (We want to be able to help her financially, if the marriage doesn't work or if she decides to be a SAHM).
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2019 17:58     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
I don’t live my life based on other people’s finances. It doesn’t factor in at all. I will provide for $70k a year for 4 years of college. I will give a $10k wedding gift.

That is all
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2019 17:57     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
I married someone with a lot of student debt. In fact, I wrote the final check to pay it off a couple months ago. He makes 7 figures now, so I guess my dad was smart not to say anything except congratulations upon our engagement.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2019 17:57     Subject: If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
Anonymous wrote:No one is paying off their student loan debt with weddings. Even weddings in which only cash is requested, they're not making out that great. And that cash is always used for the honeymoon, definitely not balls.


We used our wedding money to pay for my husband’s green card.
Anonymous
Post 05/29/2019 17:55     Subject: Re:If my Daughter Marries Someone with Student Loans do I have to Pay for the Wedding?
I paid for all four of my daughter's college educations and their weddings and only cared that they married somebody who would be good to them. All four married guys who made less money than them. So what.