Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I work for APS and investigate elder abuse. I haven’t read the full entire thread but I have this recommendation for you:

Don’t.

Medicaid may for some partial in home care but it will never be enough and they do not pay for care at night. Which means someone will have to be there to redirect him, change him, tend to his needs for a condition change, etc. There was mention that he may be sharing a room with your children? Don’t. That’s completely inappropriate. When he comes bed bound and soils himself, how are you going to change him in front of your children? Adult BM and bodily fluids smell terribl.

Even the best and most well equipped caregivers and families who have the resources for out of pocket care struggle to care for an aging parent. It sounds to me like your FIL has minimal resources and this would be a significant strain on your family. This sounds like a recipe for burnout and he will be harder to find care for once he’s in your home as the state and case managers see it as less of a priority if he’s housed with family.

Look, not all nursing homes are bad but do your research. Try to find a nursing home that accepts Medicaid but is not mostly occupied by Medicaid residents. Look on nursing home compare and review inspection reports. Accept that your FIL will not get a private room as Medicaid does not pay for it. Look at the food (which is a huge contributor to quality of life, helps reduce weight loss and promote wound healing, etc) and the smell. If you walk in and immediately smell B.O and poop, it’s not going to be a decent facility. Talk to the director of nursing and read Yelp reviews with a grain of salt.

Your best bet is for your FIL to sell his home if he owns, and for both of them to buy into a continuing care community that provides independent, assisted, and memory care who will transition him to Medicaid once he “spends down.” I’ve seen the best care in continuing communities.

You do not need to sell the house for medicaid. Medicaid will put a lien on the house when sold but MIL can stay in it. She can keep certain assets.

Anonymous wrote:OP, let him go to a nursing home. He will get better care in a nursing home than you can provide. Spend your time, energy, and money ensuring that the nursing home is providing approrpriate care. You're describing a very sick individual who is going to require 24 hour attention. You work FT and have 3 kids under 6. It is NOT being a good person to accept care of someone that you don't actually have the resources to care for.

Anonymous wrote:OP is not offering to help with care, just housing so given that its a near impossible situation. She's not as good as she's pretending as if this is going to work she needs to step up and caregive.

Anonymous wrote:OP is not offering to help with care, just housing so given that its a near impossible situation. She's not as good as she's pretending as if this is going to work she needs to step up and caregive.

Anonymous wrote:Why are they dialyzing someone who has advanced dementia and Parkinson’s? That is cruel and crazy. It is time to move to a hospice, stop the dialysis, and let him pass peacefully. No one wants to live like that. It is no life.

You are in a sense lucky with dialysis, at least you are given a way out. We did that with my mother and I still think it was the kindest thing we could do. We probably should have done it sooner but we wanted to exhaust all reasonable avenues first.

Anonymous wrote:I work for APS and investigate elder abuse. I haven’t read the full entire thread but I have this recommendation for you:

Don’t.

Medicaid may for some partial in home care but it will never be enough and they do not pay for care at night. Which means someone will have to be there to redirect him, change him, tend to his needs for a condition change, etc. There was mention that he may be sharing a room with your children? Don’t. That’s completely inappropriate. When he comes bed bound and soils himself, how are you going to change him in front of your children? Adult BM and bodily fluids smell terribl.

Even the best and most well equipped caregivers and families who have the resources for out of pocket care struggle to care for an aging parent. It sounds to me like your FIL has minimal resources and this would be a significant strain on your family. This sounds like a recipe for burnout and he will be harder to find care for once he’s in your home as the state and case managers see it as less of a priority if he’s housed with family.

Look, not all nursing homes are bad but do your research. Try to find a nursing home that accepts Medicaid but is not mostly occupied by Medicaid residents. Look on nursing home compare and review inspection reports. Accept that your FIL will not get a private room as Medicaid does not pay for it. Look at the food (which is a huge contributor to quality of life, helps reduce weight loss and promote wound healing, etc) and the smell. If you walk in and immediately smell B.O and poop, it’s not going to be a decent facility. Talk to the director of nursing and read Yelp reviews with a grain of salt.

Your best bet is for your FIL to sell his home if he owns, and for both of them to buy into a continuing care community that provides independent, assisted, and memory care who will transition him to Medicaid once he “spends down.” I’ve seen the best care in continuing communities.