Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that's a hot button issue for me. In my house it goes a little something like this:

Me, shouting from upstairs: "Hey Dave- there's a letter on the coffee table if you could grab it and mail it on your way to office, please."

DH: *silence*

Me, 15 seconds later: "Hey Dave, take that letter on the table to the mail box on your way to work, okay?"

DH: *exaggerated sigh* "I HEARD you!"

Me: "Well then f'ing respond and I won't have to repeat myself!"

Op here. Agggg. Yes!

I do note all the comments I’ve received that there might be a genuine hearing issue here or something like ADHD/autism going on. It’s not that I disagree. I think those could be factors.

At the same time, I read the example above, which has also happened to me and it’s very hard for me to see anything other than passive aggression.

It is passive aggression rooted in frustration.
Your husbands are irritable from constantly being "on call" and could benefit immensely from some alone time away from the day-to-day grind of mundane correspondence and bothersome exchanges.
Plain and simply put the guys need a break.

Anonymous wrote:Ugh, that's a hot button issue for me. In my house it goes a little something like this:

Me, shouting from upstairs: "Hey Dave- there's a letter on the coffee table if you could grab it and mail it on your way to office, please."

DH: *silence*

Me, 15 seconds later: "Hey Dave, take that letter on the table to the mail box on your way to work, okay?"

DH: *exaggerated sigh* "I HEARD you!"

Me: "Well then f'ing respond and I won't have to repeat myself!"

Op here. Agggg. Yes!

I do note all the comments I’ve received that there might be a genuine hearing issue here or something like ADHD/autism going on. It’s not that I disagree. I think those could be factors.

At the same time, I read the example above, which has also happened to me and it’s very hard for me to see anything other than passive aggression.

Ugh, that's a hot button issue for me. In my house it goes a little something like this:

Me, shouting from upstairs: "Hey Dave- there's a letter on the coffee table if you could grab it and mail it on your way to office, please."

DH: *silence*

Me, 15 seconds later: "Hey Dave, take that letter on the table to the mail box on your way to work, okay?"

DH: *exaggerated sigh* "I HEARD you!"

Me: "Well then f'ing respond and I won't have to repeat myself!"

Anonymous wrote:FLIPSIDE

DH: I'm thinking maybe the Brewers should go after Craig Kimbrel he's a pretty good closer.
OP: silence
DH: What do you think?
OP: silence
DH: Honey - did you hear me? Should Milwaukee go after Craig Kimbrel since Corey Knebel is gonna need season-ending Tommy John surgery?
OP: silence
DH: (grouchy now) Honey? Are you listening? What do you think?
OP: OK
DH: What does that mean? Yes or no? Should they go after Craig Kimbrel? Or do you think they'll be okay with just Josh Hader?

As funny as this may seem, the bad news is that both versions of this are Gottman don'ts and decent predictors of divorce. Turning away from overtures is a big deal. Here is what it would look like to turn toward:

"DH: I'm thinking maybe the Brewers should go after Craig Kimbrel he's a pretty good closer.
OP: What does it mean to be "a good closer" in baseball?"

OP, have you told your husband that you feel like less than a full person when he does this? And what does he say to that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How is your sex life?

I wish you would be banned from this site

Pretty aggressive response to a reasonable question. If the thread title were "DW rejects me when I initiate sex" the responses would be filled with questions about how much connection and daily conversation are they having. Why not the inverse relationship is equally important?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s obviously NOT meant to be disrespectful or passive aggressive and it saddens me how many posters jump to that as an explanation. He does sound mentally taxed with a baby and toddler and might just need that hand on shoulder and face to face address. It’s no biggie and nothing to be offended by.

Sure he's mentally taxed. Parenting is tough. It's even tougher when the default parent also works, has to raise the kids AND deal with a manchild that can't handle the pressures of being a fair partner.

I don’t think op ever mentioned him being a man child or unable to handle pressures of being a fair partner. He just isn’t wired the same and that probably compliments her parenting in other ways but he lacks in the “instant verbal response” when he’s in weekend mode. I’m not excusing his behavior but I do understand it’s not from him wanting to shirk off duties or be passive aggressive as others accuse him.

And you know all this.... how exactly?

People's assumptions on here are nuts. Basic common decency is all that's needed most of the time. Not this crap that almost always results in giving crappy parents a pass. And I"ll say it, it's usually the men getting the pass. I'm so over it.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

So basically your conversation and first couple of follow ups were a lot of blather that didn’t address the issue you wanted to discuss.

Me: I’m taking toddler to the park. Do you want to come with us and grab dinner while we’re out, or keep the baby at home and make dinner?

DH: answers with his choice

Try being direct. If you have a question, ask it. My DH has HFA and he tunes out most of the nonsense he doesn’t need to know. If I needed him to be on baby duty, he’d never hear it couched in a bunch of park talk. I have adhd, and it would take me a little while to process that you’re really asking about dinner and childcare, not asking me if I’m cool with you taking the kids to the park. I’m giving my perspective on those two issues since other posters are bringing up adhd and hfa. Even if he’s bored and zoning out without a medical condition, being direct is probably helpful.

Op here. No-when I was asking him, I was actually asking for his input, not just blathering or trying to obfuscate the point by talking about the park. I was unsure if we had time, unsure if DH would enjoy coming or if he wanted to stay home, I didn’t know how we would fit dinner in, etc. I don’t want to decide everything. I wanted to decide together how to spend the last couple hours of our Sunday. I was open to his input.

I’ve got a more demanding job than DH does and we barely even see each other during the week due to work, commutes, work travel, etc. There’s nothing weird about wanting to talk to my DH for 90 seconds about how to spend the rest of our day.

When I was in grad school, I did a research study in linguistics. You see, women often offer (especially to other women) something called "minimal response" when they are talking with each other. This is essentially a way for women to sort of say "yes, I'm listening to what you're saying" and it often looks like "uh huh....wow....oh yeah?....hmmm.....interesting..." etc.

Men do not really do this, according to research. Similarly, as a way to signifigy dominance, men interrupt more than women.

In my study, I looked at two lesbian couples and had them take surveys on who identified as the most "masculine" based on their survey responses and contextualized in the realm of stereotyped gendered behavior.

Not surprisingly, the partner who identified as more "masculine" interrupted more, both in regular conversation in their own home, and in interviews with me.

This is all to say - no, you're not going crazy. Women and men often communicate differently.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

So basically your conversation and first couple of follow ups were a lot of blather that didn’t address the issue you wanted to discuss.

Me: I’m taking toddler to the park. Do you want to come with us and grab dinner while we’re out, or keep the baby at home and make dinner?

DH: answers with his choice

Try being direct. If you have a question, ask it. My DH has HFA and he tunes out most of the nonsense he doesn’t need to know. If I needed him to be on baby duty, he’d never hear it couched in a bunch of park talk. I have adhd, and it would take me a little while to process that you’re really asking about dinner and childcare, not asking me if I’m cool with you taking the kids to the park. I’m giving my perspective on those two issues since other posters are bringing up adhd and hfa. Even if he’s bored and zoning out without a medical condition, being direct is probably helpful.

i’m the PP with the Ds with ADD Inattentive and Expressive Language Disorder. He also scored in the toilet on Social pragmatic communication although he is definitely not autistic. My DS literally doesn’t understand pragmatic aspects of communication being mentioned here like not responding to someone is rude. Or that OK is not a response to a yes or no question or that responding in a barely audible tome is rude. A lot of times he will also say, “I answered you,” when I am 100% sure he did not. Sometimes I think the thoughts in his brain don’t make it out of his mouth (which is a con here but also has it’s pros. I’ve read his neuropsych report, so I know it’s part of his neurology, not a willful rude act and I try not to get mad.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

Op here. We have a baby (10 weeks old) and a toddler. My decisions affect him. If I left with toddler he’d have to watch the baby and figure out dinner. If he came with us then we would have grabbed dinner out together.

So basically your conversation and first couple of follow ups were a lot of blather that didn’t address the issue you wanted to discuss.

Me: I’m taking toddler to the park. Do you want to come with us and grab dinner while we’re out, or keep the baby at home and make dinner?

DH: answers with his choice

Try being direct. If you have a question, ask it. My DH has HFA and he tunes out most of the nonsense he doesn’t need to know. If I needed him to be on baby duty, he’d never hear it couched in a bunch of park talk. I have adhd, and it would take me a little while to process that you’re really asking about dinner and childcare, not asking me if I’m cool with you taking the kids to the park. I’m giving my perspective on those two issues since other posters are bringing up adhd and hfa. Even if he’s bored and zoning out without a medical condition, being direct is probably helpful.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say this even though it won't be popular. I realize it's stereotyping and it's not true in every case but, women talk a lot more than men.

When we are in the dating phase, there are nerves and passion in play and people are sometimes afraid to say the wrong thing, so the gap isn't as noticeable. When you get comfortable and are married, guys tend to be "a little talked out" and women tend to fill silence with words. Much like sex becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure for the woman as some marriages age, conversation becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure for men.

I think it may be a woman's willingness to discuss even the most inane topic and dis issue to death. My wife struggles with an economy of words when she speaks. She's great when she writes. Even the simplest statements that could be understood by anyone are accompanied by a 5 minute explanation of why. Over time, it wears on you.

I'm sure my husband thinks I talk to much. But it is just rude to not acknowledge someone at all. And even he knows this. OP's husband could have responded, 'i'm good with baby, have fun' and that would have been the end of it. Or even, 'cool, have fun'.

I make decisions all the time that I don't consult him on, but sometimes you just want to talk to the person you chose to spend your life with and who chose to spend it with you. It is depressing to try to make a little conversation and be completely ignored. If your boss was trying to make conversation, you'd chime in, why not with your spouse?

You chose to marry someone who likes to chat, so don't blatantly ignore them when they say something.

I'm not playing the blame game or judging. I've been on your end of things and it's very frustrating. Different people react different ways. He might be adjusting to your talking by just tuning you out hoping that will make you talk less. My only suggestion is to adjust or confront.
Adjust means, when you want his attention, go over, tap on his arm "hey honey" and stand in front of him until he gives you his attention. Then say what it is you want to say. You know what confrontation is.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s obviously NOT meant to be disrespectful or passive aggressive and it saddens me how many posters jump to that as an explanation. He does sound mentally taxed with a baby and toddler and might just need that hand on shoulder and face to face address. It’s no biggie and nothing to be offended by.

Sure he's mentally taxed. Parenting is tough. It's even tougher when the default parent also works, has to raise the kids AND deal with a manchild that can't handle the pressures of being a fair partner.

I don’t think op ever mentioned him being a man child or unable to handle pressures of being a fair partner. He just isn’t wired the same and that probably compliments her parenting in other ways but he lacks in the “instant verbal response” when he’s in weekend mode. I’m not excusing his behavior but I do understand it’s not from him wanting to shirk off duties or be passive aggressive as others accuse him.

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say this even though it won't be popular. I realize it's stereotyping and it's not true in every case but, women talk a lot more than men.

When we are in the dating phase, there are nerves and passion in play and people are sometimes afraid to say the wrong thing, so the gap isn't as noticeable. When you get comfortable and are married, guys tend to be "a little talked out" and women tend to fill silence with words. Much like sex becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure for the woman as some marriages age, conversation becomes more of a chore and less of a pleasure for men.

I think it may be a woman's willingness to discuss even the most inane topic and dis issue to death. My wife struggles with an economy of words when she speaks. She's great when she writes. Even the simplest statements that could be understood by anyone are accompanied by a 5 minute explanation of why. Over time, it wears on you.

I'm sure my husband thinks I talk to much. But it is just rude to not acknowledge someone at all. And even he knows this. OP's husband could have responded, 'i'm good with baby, have fun' and that would have been the end of it. Or even, 'cool, have fun'.

I make decisions all the time that I don't consult him on, but sometimes you just want to talk to the person you chose to spend your life with and who chose to spend it with you. It is depressing to try to make a little conversation and be completely ignored. If your boss was trying to make conversation, you'd chime in, why not with your spouse?

You chose to marry someone who likes to chat, so don't blatantly ignore them when they say something.

Anonymous wrote:It’s obviously NOT meant to be disrespectful or passive aggressive and it saddens me how many posters jump to that as an explanation. He does sound mentally taxed with a baby and toddler and might just need that hand on shoulder and face to face address. It’s no biggie and nothing to be offended by.

Sure he's mentally taxed. Parenting is tough. It's even tougher when the default parent also works, has to raise the kids AND deal with a manchild that can't handle the pressures of being a fair partner.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you asking if you should go to the park? Did you want him to come with you? Just make a decision and leave.

This is what I was thinking. Why can't you just make a decision? You're an adult with a marriage and child but you can't decide if there's time to go to the park or not? COME ON! You sound indecisive and naggy. I wouldn't want to answer you either. JUST DECIDE.

NP, same issues. What you posters don't understand is that OP is not seeking permission to do an activity. She's trying to make plans for the family. If she takes the older kid to the park, will DH watch the baby? If not, she needs to prep both kids for the park. My husband does this ALL.THE.TIME. because he'd rather me handle all the parenting work.

So OP could decide for herself that she'll go to the park with the two kids (bc DH isn't communicating his own plans) and then she has to do all of the work and DH gets a few hours to himself.

This adds up too - so if the DW ends up making all the decisions (bc DH won't communicate), then DW is cast as a controlling harpy that won't let her DH have a say in anything.

Ugh this thread is hitting too close to home.

We understand. This is when OP waltzes out with the older kid and tells DH that she and Larlo will be back in an hour. Larla is upstairs napping and he needs to get the chicken in the oven while they are gone.

I see. And where does this chicken magically come from? Is it in the freezer or the fridge? Does it have any marinade? Or will DH stick a frozen chicken in a cold oven?