Anonymous
03/04/2019 10:21
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
It’s like clearly spouse thought this through and decided I’d throw a fit
******************
Stop right there.
You can't control his behavior.
You can only (try to) control your own.
Stop throwing fits.
It sounds like he jumped out of bed and bought the boat because you tried to get your way by literally throwing a temper tantrum, and it also sounds like your tantruming is an established pattern in the marriage.
Don't expect rational behavior from your spouse if you're not willing to be rational yourself.
Put on your big girl panties.
******************
Stop right there.
You can't control his behavior.
You can only (try to) control your own.
Stop throwing fits.
It sounds like he jumped out of bed and bought the boat because you tried to get your way by literally throwing a temper tantrum, and it also sounds like your tantruming is an established pattern in the marriage.
Don't expect rational behavior from your spouse if you're not willing to be rational yourself.
Put on your big girl panties.
Anonymous
03/04/2019 10:12
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Flipping an airstream? Time suck and nobody is ever glad they did it, it's not as fun as they expected unless you've always been hardcore planners about vacations and reserving spots
Fixing a boat? People LOVE that but this is more of a money drain the
Puppy? Sometimes you just need a puppy but that's awful to not get everyone on board first
Fixing a car or motorcycle? Yes he is looking to get away into the garage and see the family only briefly. He seems desperate for escape.
Buy the Europe ticket
Fixing a boat? People LOVE that but this is more of a money drain the
Puppy? Sometimes you just need a puppy but that's awful to not get everyone on board first
Fixing a car or motorcycle? Yes he is looking to get away into the garage and see the family only briefly. He seems desperate for escape.
Buy the Europe ticket
Anonymous
03/04/2019 10:09
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Is it a boat?
It sounds very much like boat talk.
It’s a boat puppy.
Anonymous
03/04/2019 10:05
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.
This is just masking the issue at hand.
+1 This is what OP said: "Spouse wanted to buy something on impulse that I felt would be a huge time suck and would result in adding more to my overflowing plate because of the time commitment"
How would it be a huge time suck for her, if her spouse bought this thing? It might be a huge time suck for him.
How is it a huge time suck for her?
It’s a time suck for her because she has to take care of the kids, that’s my deduction.
I think it’s a car he wants to tinker with.
I think op and spouse need marriage counseling.
Anonymous
03/04/2019 09:50
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well if the item is in the house, maybe he can be on kid duty while he does it.
Is it an airstream?
Maybe it’s a plane.
OP if your real problem is division of labor, work on that.
I think the real problem is a bit more subtle.
It's more about OP's struggle with her husband as to who "controls" the marriage.
They have a fundamentally dysfunctional, oppositional relationship style, rather than a cooperative one. It is a zero sum game.
So, each perceives the other getting something they want, as a personal loss. No one can "win" unless the other "loses."
OP, maybe you need to start solving this by reframing your whole relationship concept.
?Instead of viewing your husband's boat purchase as a loss to yourself, why don't you try to view it as a positive?
He got something he really wanted, something that makes him happy. That should make you happy too.
This is a great philosophy on marriage. I think I'm going to start doing whatever the hell I want without any regarding for my husband, and if he gets upset I'll tell him he should be happy about it because I'm doing what makes me happy.
You sound very angry, and not happy at all.
Maybe you should try it and see what happens. You don't sound like your marriage has very much to lose.
My marriage is quite happy because we care about and respect each other rather than only looking out for ourselves and expecting the other person to just live with it.
+1. Some things in marriage are zero sum. For example, sometimes one of us sleeps in and the other is on kid duty. It’s zero sum.
If my husband were always the one to sleep in, I shouldn’t have to be happy about it because hey at least he got something he wanted! We don’t know OP’s
specifics, but one poster here is bizarrely all in assuming everything is OP’s fault because she is a poor communicator and control freak. I think this one posters comments say far more about him/her than OP.
Agree. Sounds like one PP coming back repeatedly to bash the OP.
Projecting.
Anonymous
03/04/2019 09:48
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:And this is why DH and I each get a separate sum of money to do whatever we want with each paycheck. I would go crazy if I had to run everything by DH and he feels the same way.
+1 And OP, the more you discounted your spouse’s wants the more controlling you became. Of course an adult is going to rebel against that. You two need to figure out how to meet your financial goals while still having the ability to purchase personal items.
DP. Just noting that OP says spouse has said no to things OP wanted to do/buy before this. But OP (as far as we know) didn't "rebel" by going out in an angry huff and immediately doing/buying what spouse said no to.... So should OP have gone what you indicate is the "adult" thing by storming off previously when the spouse said no? Both of them seem pretty invested in having veto power.
Not defending either side here but pointing out that while you're saying OP was being controlling, OP pretty clearly says the spouse has said no more than once. So why is OP the controlling one to you, but spouse isn't, and it's somehow natural for spouse to jump out of bed to go make a disputed purchase?
OP, you and spouse need couples counseling pronto, focusing on communication skills and on airing these resentments that have built up. Your post mentions how much you resent spouse's earlier "no"s. Get help as a couple or you sound like your lack of communication and different priorities will split you apart.
Because OP is here bitching about something their spouse did. They are welcome to redirect the post so that the point becomes that they are mad that they never buy what they want. But that isn’t what OP made the post about.
You do not try to control other adults. When you do, this is what you get.
Oh, OK, so DH (we know now it's a DH) gets to jump out of bed to prove his point that he Won't Be Controlled and that's what OP deserves, in your opinion. He's not controlling when he says no to OP but it's control when OP says no to him. Got it. OP was just "redirecting the post" but of course the real problem is OP. As it always is, for some posters on DCUM.
Anonymous
03/04/2019 06:52
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
You sound really controlling OP. You need your own money, if not to start saving it for when he divorces you for being the way you are.
Anonymous
03/04/2019 06:32
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Well, is the problem that he vetoed her fun purchases in the past, or that this recent new purchase is a time suck, or that he generally is not helpful around the house, or that he's the fun police, or what?
What is it, exactly, that the OP expects or wants her husband to do, given that he did purchase the "boat"? What does she want to do?
Nag, whine, complain, and cry some more?
Demand he do what?
Maybe the real problem is that OP is piss poor at personal time management and that's why she's overwhelmed.
Who knows what the real problem is, OP's post is all over the place. They've been struggling for control of the relationship for the whole time, this is just the most recent example.
OP wants to be able to boss her husband around and tell him what to do, and he isn't accepting of that role.
OP thinks her husband is the fun police. Really?
Dude, give it a rest. You seem to be having your own issues and are projecting on OP. Chill.
Anonymous
03/04/2019 01:26
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Is it a boat?
It sounds very much like boat talk.
Anonymous
03/04/2019 00:54
Subject: At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Look at OP's thread title.
It's not: "Spouse doesn't help out with the chores enough."
It's not: "Spouse made an impulsive buying decision that I disagree with."
It's: "Spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something."
OP is upset because she told her husband "No!" like a dictator and she learned she actually wasn't the family dictator.
It's not: "Spouse doesn't help out with the chores enough."
It's not: "Spouse made an impulsive buying decision that I disagree with."
It's: "Spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something."
OP is upset because she told her husband "No!" like a dictator and she learned she actually wasn't the family dictator.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 23:34
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well if the item is in the house, maybe he can be on kid duty while he does it.
Is it an airstream?
Maybe it’s a plane.
OP if your real problem is division of labor, work on that.
I think the real problem is a bit more subtle.
It's more about OP's struggle with her husband as to who "controls" the marriage.
They have a fundamentally dysfunctional, oppositional relationship style, rather than a cooperative one. It is a zero sum game.
So, each perceives the other getting something they want, as a personal loss. No one can "win" unless the other "loses."
OP, maybe you need to start solving this by reframing your whole relationship concept.
?Instead of viewing your husband's boat purchase as a loss to yourself, why don't you try to view it as a positive?
He got something he really wanted, something that makes him happy. That should make you happy too.
This is a great philosophy on marriage. I think I'm going to start doing whatever the hell I want without any regarding for my husband, and if he gets upset I'll tell him he should be happy about it because I'm doing what makes me happy.
You sound very angry, and not happy at all.
Maybe you should try it and see what happens. You don't sound like your marriage has very much to lose.
My marriage is quite happy because we care about and respect each other rather than only looking out for ourselves and expecting the other person to just live with it.
+1. Some things in marriage are zero sum. For example, sometimes one of us sleeps in and the other is on kid duty. It’s zero sum.
If my husband were always the one to sleep in, I shouldn’t have to be happy about it because hey at least he got something he wanted! We don’t know OP’s
specifics, but one poster here is bizarrely all in assuming everything is OP’s fault because she is a poor communicator and control freak. I think this one posters comments say far more about him/her than OP.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 23:26
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Yo, Mr. One-Sentence-Per-Line, give it up. Your perspective is skewed and not helpful. You've already made three or four wrong conclusions about OP's scenario and now you're just digging in on your position and creating an off-topic tangent that is not helping OP and is making it harder for those who do want to help OP to get her message.
OP, if money is not the issue, then just make the decision to hire help to compensate for your husband's irresponsibility. If he's going to invest in his time and money into a hobby, then just get a mother's helper that can come in, do laundry, do the shopping/errands and make dinner for the family thereby freeing up your time to spend on the kids. Tell your husband that he needs to take into account the cost of adding hired help to the household budget since he has basically given up on contributing to the family chores.
OP, if money is not the issue, then just make the decision to hire help to compensate for your husband's irresponsibility. If he's going to invest in his time and money into a hobby, then just get a mother's helper that can come in, do laundry, do the shopping/errands and make dinner for the family thereby freeing up your time to spend on the kids. Tell your husband that he needs to take into account the cost of adding hired help to the household budget since he has basically given up on contributing to the family chores.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 23:18
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well if the item is in the house, maybe he can be on kid duty while he does it.
Is it an airstream?
Maybe it’s a plane.
OP if your real problem is division of labor, work on that.
I think the real problem is a bit more subtle.
It's more about OP's struggle with her husband as to who "controls" the marriage.
They have a fundamentally dysfunctional, oppositional relationship style, rather than a cooperative one. It is a zero sum game.
So, each perceives the other getting something they want, as a personal loss. No one can "win" unless the other "loses."
OP, maybe you need to start solving this by reframing your whole relationship concept.
?Instead of viewing your husband's boat purchase as a loss to yourself, why don't you try to view it as a positive?
He got something he really wanted, something that makes him happy. That should make you happy too.
This is a great philosophy on marriage. I think I'm going to start doing whatever the hell I want without any regarding for my husband, and if he gets upset I'll tell him he should be happy about it because I'm doing what makes me happy.
You sound very angry, and not happy at all.
Maybe you should try it and see what happens. You don't sound like your marriage has very much to lose.
My marriage is quite happy because we care about and respect each other rather than only looking out for ourselves and expecting the other person to just live with it.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 23:09
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well if the item is in the house, maybe he can be on kid duty while he does it.
Is it an airstream?
Maybe it’s a plane.
OP if your real problem is division of labor, work on that.
I think the real problem is a bit more subtle.
It's more about OP's struggle with her husband as to who "controls" the marriage.
They have a fundamentally dysfunctional, oppositional relationship style, rather than a cooperative one. It is a zero sum game.
So, each perceives the other getting something they want, as a personal loss. No one can "win" unless the other "loses."
OP, maybe you need to start solving this by reframing your whole relationship concept.
?Instead of viewing your husband's boat purchase as a loss to yourself, why don't you try to view it as a positive?
He got something he really wanted, something that makes him happy. That should make you happy too.
This is a great philosophy on marriage. I think I'm going to start doing whatever the hell I want without any regarding for my husband, and if he gets upset I'll tell him he should be happy about it because I'm doing what makes me happy.
You sound very angry, and not happy at all.
Maybe you should try it and see what happens. You don't sound like your marriage has very much to lose.
Anonymous
03/03/2019 23:04
Subject: Re:At a loss- spouse openly disregarded my wishes on something
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Well if the item is in the house, maybe he can be on kid duty while he does it.
Is it an airstream?
Maybe it’s a plane.
OP if your real problem is division of labor, work on that.
I think the real problem is a bit more subtle.
It's more about OP's struggle with her husband as to who "controls" the marriage.
They have a fundamentally dysfunctional, oppositional relationship style, rather than a cooperative one. It is a zero sum game.
So, each perceives the other getting something they want, as a personal loss. No one can "win" unless the other "loses."
OP, maybe you need to start solving this by reframing your whole relationship concept.
?Instead of viewing your husband's boat purchase as a loss to yourself, why don't you try to view it as a positive?
He got something he really wanted, something that makes him happy. That should make you happy too.
This is a great philosophy on marriage. I think I'm going to start doing whatever the hell I want without any regarding for my husband, and if he gets upset I'll tell him he should be happy about it because I'm doing what makes me happy.