PS: Or what the person above me said.

Anonymous wrote:
I think there is one very angry divorced man posting a lot on this thread. Based on what he is saying, OP, the only way to date a quality man is to make it clear you want to marry him. Because if you don’t want marriage, you are clearly just a slut who will never find a quality man.

to the angry man : commitment does not require marriage. There are adults who decide to be together without legal or religious ceremonies. They aren’t actively looking for better options. This might not be you, and that’s ok. However, you shouldn’t act like the concept is so foreign to you, it makes you seem small minded and misogynistic.

NP
Yep.

Anonymous wrote:No one is saying OP has to be interested in marrying the guy. That's not the point.

The point is that OP is probably delusional if she goes into a relationship KNOWING that she wants it to be casual and non-serious from the get-go, yet having this expectation that she is going to find a DESIRABLE man who will agree to "exclusivity."

What does that even mean? He has to be "exclusive" until she decides she wants to dump him or date someone else? She alone gets that option?
ridiculous.

OP is a divorced woman in her 40's who apparently just wants casual sex. Fine. Casual sex is inherently "non-exclusive" sex. That doesn't mean the other person or OP is having sex with someone else simultaneously, or all the time. It does mean she is making it very obvious she will dump the guy as soon as a "better option" comes along.

Why should any guy agree to foreclose any of his other options just for OP's convenience? (Even if a guy seems to agree to this, he's probably just a liar, or has no other options.)

There was never an asymmetry to this. OP said hey, this is what would work for me. How likely am I to find a guy for whom this would work, too? Nothing about tying him down. Nothing about him not being allowed to change his mind. Seriously, WTF?

Dude, we get that you are bitter. That's your problem to deal with. Hopefully we are allowed to walk away from your bizarre and icky rants.

Anonymous wrote:

I say that I’m not interested in marriage, but am ideally looking for long term exclusive.

I am curious both why you want it, and why you think a man should agree to it. If you don't want to live with him, commingle finances, or have him meet your kids, why do you care who else he sleeps with? And how would you even know if he did?

I'm not OP, but --

1) I like sex without condoms, a lot. Even with condoms, there's the risk of transmission of various infections. Extremely happy and intermittently enjoyed consistent exclusivity lets us get super freaky with no holds barred. If we screw other people, it's condoms all the way, and my mind is always at least partly going to be on infection risk, not how to get us both mind-blowing orgasms.

2) Trust. Conversations and trust. And making sure the 1/2 time we share is as amazing as possible.

I find it weird that much of this thread is about whether one can expect sexual exclusivity without offering the possibility of marriage. I am like OP, divorced, not interested in marriage or comingled finances or having companion meet kids, and not interested in relationship lasting for more than a few years as I have plans to move out of the country for career.

But, as someone who came of sexual age during the AIDS crisis, I have to ask - does no one practice safe sex anymore? Part of safe sex is getting tested with new partner (or sharing recent results), using condoms and sleeping with one partner at a time (i.e. monogamy). I don't understand why monogamous but not necessarily long term sex is so unthinkable. It used to be considered the sexually responsible thing to do.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

Mid-40s soon to be divorced man and you sound ideal. I have several friends who are also attractive and successful and they are also looking for nothing more than casual fun, sex and companionship. I don't think you will have any problems

PP here, I went back and read the whole thread and one comment to the above - I think it will be a little harder than you think if you want exclusivity/monogamy but only a few times a month. Certainly, those men exist and especially single dads who prioritize their children. But you will have many more options if you are open to being casual with someone who may also have others from time to time. I think you will get more mileage having men be honest with you about who else they are seeing for the 26 days a month you aren't together.

Again, there is a pot for every lid so no question you can find what you are looking for. Good luck!

Agreed this infrequency ^^^ would eliminate most of the desirable options. Either bump it up to weekly, or relax on the exclusivity requirement.

+ 1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

Mid-40s soon to be divorced man and you sound ideal. I have several friends who are also attractive and successful and they are also looking for nothing more than casual fun, sex and companionship. I don't think you will have any problems

PP here, I went back and read the whole thread and one comment to the above - I think it will be a little harder than you think if you want exclusivity/monogamy but only a few times a month. Certainly, those men exist and especially single dads who prioritize their children. But you will have many more options if you are open to being casual with someone who may also have others from time to time. I think you will get more mileage having men be honest with you about who else they are seeing for the 26 days a month you aren't together.

Again, there is a pot for every lid so no question you can find what you are looking for. Good luck!

Agreed this infrequency ^^^ would eliminate most of the desirable options. Either bump it up to weekly, or relax on the exclusivity requirement.

Anonymous wrote:

I say that I’m not interested in marriage, but am ideally looking for long term exclusive.

I am curious both why you want it, and why you think a man should agree to it. If you don't want to live with him, commingle finances, or have him meet your kids, why do you care who else he sleeps with? And how would you even know if he did?

There are men who don’t want to be with every option of vagina that is available to them, you know. The idea of two people who decide to have sex exclusively without all other strings (fully integrated lives) isn’t rare for a lot of emotionally mature people. They both just need to be honest with each other and make sure they are on the same page. Every man/woman isn’t struggling with whore tendencies to screw everything that passes. Two people can make whatever kind of relationship they want.

OP is wounded from her past. She isn’t ready for all that. She’s being honest about where she is.

I do think a FWB is the better alternative for her. Though that isn’t exclusive. But I get the sense that with everything else OP is saying, she might flex a little over time with the expectation of a man (or herself) exclusively cutting all others out for the Little she wants to give.

One thing people who’ve been married understand before is compromise.

Anonymous wrote:OP here: I am not divorced. I want a divorce. I never want another man to meet my children. I will never live with a man or commingle my finances ever again. I would like to once in awhile get some action but not involve my kids ever. I would think some divorced men would never want to marry again and seek a similar arrangement. Would not have to last forever. I think it is possible but I think it would be hard to find...I am not ever seeking a full time full out relationship. Annoying at the suggestion I would wait until kids go to college. Um, no. Marriage was the biggest mistake of my life, I’ve waited far too long, and any action would be better then the sexless marriage I have had (many many years...most of the marriage without it).

Did you really need to post on here to see if you might get laid later? You know this is not a new thing and you have a vagina...are you dense? If you are even reasonably attractive then any man walking down the street will bang you out.

FWB is the answer. I don't plan on ever getting remarried.

Anonymous wrote:I’m the PP with the not-quite-boyfriend- I do know his kids and he knows mine. I’ll spend time with his kids on occasion and he will with mine as well. But no one is falling in love and no one is talking marriage.

Yuck. Do you introduce each other to your kids as your f’ck buddy?

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say one thing to you, OP?

You effing rock.

This is what putting your kids first in divorce looks like.

Signed,

Child of divorced parents who both remarried and made new families. It just gets really really old. It’s not the divorce that’s the problem, it’s the dynamics of the new families and how complicated they become.

It’s totally understandable to want sex, companionship, and love again. I don’t see why everyone feels to need to involve their children in all that. Focus on your kids. When your kids aren’t around, do whatever the heck you want!

As a child of divorced parents this really resonated with me. Even 25 years later my parents still force the grandkids together even though me and my so called step siblings aren't remotely close ( I don't dislike them, I just don't like them)

Just be honest about what you want.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say one thing to you, OP?

You effing rock.

This is what putting your kids first in divorce looks like.

Signed,

Child of divorced parents who both remarried and made new families. It just gets really really old. It’s not the divorce that’s the problem, it’s the dynamics of the new families and how complicated they become.

It’s totally understandable to want sex, companionship, and love again. I don’t see why everyone feels to need to involve their children in all that. Focus on your kids. When your kids aren’t around, do whatever the heck you want!

Yeah, except she hasn't actually put her idea into action yet, and who knows if she'll stick to her guns once she meets some guy she is excited about and dates for a few months. Plenty of DCUM threads about women catching feelz after being some guy's FB.

OP here--there is no freaking way I am involving my kids. Not happening. I was over being in love before I met my spouse. I am not catching the love thing...that is so over. It obviously did not work with my spouse (the love thing), married anyway, which was stupid. It is 100% not happening that I would confuse my kids by having them meet some other guy. No way. I will have compartmentalized separate lives (mom me and not-with-kids me). That's it. I am 100% confident of this.

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say one thing to you, OP?

You effing rock.

This is what putting your kids first in divorce looks like.

Signed,

Child of divorced parents who both remarried and made new families. It just gets really really old. It’s not the divorce that’s the problem, it’s the dynamics of the new families and how complicated they become.

It’s totally understandable to want sex, companionship, and love again. I don’t see why everyone feels to need to involve their children in all that. Focus on your kids. When your kids aren’t around, do whatever the heck you want!

OP here--thanks...that is the idea.

Anonymous wrote:Can I just say one thing to you, OP?

You effing rock.

This is what putting your kids first in divorce looks like.

Signed,

Child of divorced parents who both remarried and made new families. It just gets really really old. It’s not the divorce that’s the problem, it’s the dynamics of the new families and how complicated they become.

It’s totally understandable to want sex, companionship, and love again. I don’t see why everyone feels to need to involve their children in all that. Focus on your kids. When your kids aren’t around, do whatever the heck you want!

Yeah, except she hasn't actually put her idea into action yet, and who knows if she'll stick to her guns once she meets some guy she is excited about and dates for a few months. Plenty of DCUM threads about women catching feelz after being some guy's FB.

Can I just say one thing to you, OP?

You effing rock.

This is what putting your kids first in divorce looks like.

Signed,

Child of divorced parents who both remarried and made new families. It just gets really really old. It’s not the divorce that’s the problem, it’s the dynamics of the new families and how complicated they become.

It’s totally understandable to want sex, companionship, and love again. I don’t see why everyone feels to need to involve their children in all that. Focus on your kids. When your kids aren’t around, do whatever the heck you want!