A woman saying "he will not give me what I want emotionally whenever and however I want it, and therefore he lacks empathy and emotional intelligence"

Is like a man saying "she will not give me what I want sexually whenever and however I want it, and therefore she is frigid".

A totally self-centered diagnosis -- the other person isn't doing what you want, so there must be something wrong with them.

I feel sure that the women in this thread who are excoriating their husbands for failing to provide emotional support would react with outrage if men complained that their women failed to provide them with sex.

You're not entitled to comfort from him any more than he is entitled to sex from you.

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a very difficult time emotionally and logistically re: my aging parents. My DH and I have financial resources and are raising two young children. I am finally emerging from a situational depression with the help of a therapist (bu not my DH) and am feeling my zest for life and my future returning.

But my DH is a drag, and when I am upset, he in turn gets very anxious and goes to worst case scenarios, which he taunts me with. I need a hug and someone to help me sort it out - not someone who can't handle his own sh*t or create some space for me to.

How many women are married or partnered with a man who actually has some emotional strength?

YOU are the one with depression who gets upset and needs hugs, but HE is the one who lacks emotional strength?

Apparently "emotional strength" is defined as "willingness to be your human blankie and teddy". Whatever.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. He is not emotionally supportive to me nor the kids.

+1 - he's really self-centered. When we first got together I didn't realize it because we were both pretty career-driven, and had the luxury of time so there weren't a lot of "have to's". And I'm pretty easygoing.

With the first kid, I chalked it up to him having a lot on his plate at work. We had a couple of years where I got him to focus on family more b/c I was able to convince him the extra time at the office wasn't paying off. So we had the second kid.

I finally came to the realization that he's just self-centered and is unable to put anyone else first. He's always right, any pushing back on something he wants to do that's not convenient for the rest of us is sabotage. It's super-fun.

So... you are demanding something from him, but he is the one who is self-centered?

Thanks troll.

I’d like to but no I don’t, and neither do the kids.

Anonymous wrote:I am going through a very difficult time emotionally and logistically re: my aging parents. My DH and I have financial resources and are raising two young children. I am finally emerging from a situational depression with the help of a therapist (bu not my DH) and am feeling my zest for life and my future returning.

But my DH is a drag, and when I am upset, he in turn gets very anxious and goes to worst case scenarios, which he taunts me with. I need a hug and someone to help me sort it out - not someone who can't handle his own sh*t or create some space for me to.

How many women are married or partnered with a man who actually has some emotional strength?

Nope. He's lived a very privileged life and has no empathy. He thinks anyone who does not do well is a lazy bum who needs to work harder. Zero emotional intelligence.

The contempt on this thread is pretty amazing. I wonder about some of y'all's mental health, truly.

OP, it sounds like your husband feels anxious when you express vulnerability. This is not uncommon and I think it's a pretty natural reaction, particularly if historically you've been very even keel.

I rely on my husband for emotional support, but I had to learn what I could ask him for and how to ask for it. For one thing, like several PPs mentioned, he needs to be told specifically what I need a lot of the time. If I need him to just comfort me, I need to tell him that I need him to comfort me without commiserating, which feels sometimes like a suffering competition. If I need his advice, I have to tell him that I need his advice. He is not a mind reader and while he is pretty good at anticipating my needs, if I know I need something specific, I help him out by telling him what that is.

This is not to say that I get all my emotional support from him. It's important to get it from multiple places. But I cannot imagine a marriage where one of those places wasn't the person I married.

Anonymous wrote:Yes, but sometimes I have to tell him what I need from him. Like, please just listen so I can get this off my chest. Or, when you pile on when I complain, I know you're trying to commiserate, but it makes me feel worse.

I do struggle with depression, and for that I go to a therapist and use medication - that's a medical condition that I use professionals to treat. He'll talk to me about it if I want to, but to listen, not treat.

This here--but in my case it's anxiety versus depression. I've been to therapy, I have a psychiatrist--in other words, I do my part on the medical management side of things. DH has done his part and beyond in stepping up when the anxiety has flared.

I'll also add: It's really stressful for DH at points, and it really helps him if I acknowledge it and thank him. His response is usually something along the lines of, "Of course," but it still helps for him to know I appreciate him.

If this is the first time you've experienced depression as married couple, it likely threw him for a loop--along with whatever logistical and emotional complications have come along with elder care.

You will likely have to spell it out for him far more plainly than you ever imagined for him to understand and for you both to have productive conversations about it.

Not for the big stuff.

He is probably Aspie and has proven to be the LAST person I can rely on in times of great stress for me. I don't mean regular worries, because he is capable of uttering a few words of commiseration. I'm talking about grave concerns regarding my health or family issues - he has literally lashed out at me when I was in a medical crisis (ambulance brought me to the ER later that same day), or when I hurt my back so badly I couldn't move. It's sad that some people can pile on at a time you're most vulnerable, and it's sad that in my case, it's my spouse.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not really. I have friends for that. I have a therapist I go to a few times a year.

They can't be your everything.

Color me crazy but being spousal emotional support should be the #1 job of the husband to the wife, and the wife to the husband.

Nah. From the wife to the husband, "emotional support" is definitely way down the list. The "wife job" list goes like this:

1. Sex
2. Sex
3. Sex
...
9. Sex
10. Sammiches
11. Sex
...
99. Sex
100. Emotional support

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No. He is not emotionally supportive to me nor the kids.

+1 - he's really self-centered. When we first got together I didn't realize it because we were both pretty career-driven, and had the luxury of time so there weren't a lot of "have to's". And I'm pretty easygoing.

With the first kid, I chalked it up to him having a lot on his plate at work. We had a couple of years where I got him to focus on family more b/c I was able to convince him the extra time at the office wasn't paying off. So we had the second kid.

I finally came to the realization that he's just self-centered and is unable to put anyone else first. He's always right, any pushing back on something he wants to do that's not convenient for the rest of us is sabotage. It's super-fun.

So... you are demanding something from him, but he is the one who is self-centered?

Anonymous wrote:No. He is not emotionally supportive to me nor the kids.

+1 - he's really self-centered. When we first got together I didn't realize it because we were both pretty career-driven, and had the luxury of time so there weren't a lot of "have to's". And I'm pretty easygoing.

With the first kid, I chalked it up to him having a lot on his plate at work. We had a couple of years where I got him to focus on family more b/c I was able to convince him the extra time at the office wasn't paying off. So we had the second kid.

I finally came to the realization that he's just self-centered and is unable to put anyone else first. He's always right, any pushing back on something he wants to do that's not convenient for the rest of us is sabotage. It's super-fun.

I havent met too many men that are available in this way emotionally. My hubby is good if I need a hug but to pour my heart out, he just doesn't know what to say. Women need women.
I go to a girlfriend. Men are designed to "fix things". They will try to fix it for you when you just want them to listen. Or they will ask, as yours did, what are you going to do about it?
It's frustrating I know and as wives we want them to be there just like our girlfriend would be....with all the emotional support we need. Most men, not all, are not wired that way. You see him with issues but he sees you with issues also. Can you give each other grace then take your need to your friend?!

I grew up in the arts community - with my parents and later in my adult life - so most of the men I knew had a “feminine” side in that they could easily talk about their thoughts and feelings, and understand mine. I think it’s more common in creative or artistic men.

No. He is not emotionally supportive to me nor the kids.

Yes, he always has and it has helped me to get through these periods.