My DD is being bullied by some mean girls right now. The Queen Bee is simply aping her mother, who gossips and plays games with other moms. I learned too late in the kids "friendship" that this mom is a social climber in her own right.

The side kick's mom is actually super nice (the dad, on the other hand, I've noticed he does things to seem "cool" so she might get this from him). I've even thought about contacting this nice mom, but, ultimately, I am pretty sure that any "reporting" would backfire at this age and I am not sure that parental involvement does a darn thing beyond 4th grade. The side kick even recorded a phone conversation with my DD and shared it on snapchat recently. She is possibly meaner than the queen bee (maybe to gain her approval), but is only the side kick because the clique doesn't follow her by herself.

Unfortunately, my DD feels she has to put up with these two in order to remain friends with the other "followers" or "wannabees" or whatever you want to call them. They are just relieved that they are not on the receiving end, even if they feel sympathy. Worst case scenario, the wannabees join in for fear that they will become targets.

I don't get it either, OP. I have never understood this stuff. I do think that people are born with a propensity for messing with other people. It is the sort of thing that never would have occurred to me.

It seems to me that the mean stuff starts at a much younger age compared to the 70s and 80s.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do think we need to see bullying behavior as a huge red flag and get these kids help. I have known a handful of queen Bs who later grew up to likely meet criteria for a personality disorder and or alcoholism and they also struggled with depression due to marriages imploding, etc. When queen Bs lose their looks, the bees around them less willing to follow along and with age the worst part of their personalities seem to become more salient.

Of the male bullies I also know quite a few became alcoholics and struggled in the job world and marriages.

The female queen bees from my middle school and high school years all matured and are doing great. Their male counterparts are now mostly single and have had DUI or drug problems. Two of them have since died of drug or alcohol related causes.

You know I could list at least 5 guys who were bullies who have died of either substance abuse related issues or suicide. Queen Bs vary, but most not doing so great except for the one who kept her looks.Sad to say people put up with a lot of bad behavior when the person is good looking.

Anonymous wrote:I do think we need to see bullying behavior as a huge red flag and get these kids help. I have known a handful of queen Bs who later grew up to likely meet criteria for a personality disorder and or alcoholism and they also struggled with depression due to marriages imploding, etc. When queen Bs lose their looks, the bees around them less willing to follow along and with age the worst part of their personalities seem to become more salient.

Of the male bullies I also know quite a few became alcoholics and struggled in the job world and marriages.

The female queen bees from my middle school and high school years all matured and are doing great. Their male counterparts are now mostly single and have had DUI or drug problems. Two of them have since died of drug or alcohol related causes.

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Anonymous wrote:
It's a quite normal developmental phase. Read untangled.



It's not normal. It may be common, but there it is always a signal something is wrong whether it is an empathy deficit, a problem at home, depression, narcissism or just experimenting with cruelty it is not normal. Normal implies healthy and it is not healthy for anyone involved. Check out the research as opposed to a clinician/author's views based on her or his opinion.



No. Normal implies “typical.” It’s a developmental phase in a typical kid. I see lots of good kids who occasionally do mean things. It happens to the best of them. Maybe even your kid.




Bullying behavior is not a typical developmental phase. Being mean now and then sure OK kids experiment a bit. It is not normal to bully. The majority of kids have developed enough empathy or morality not to be a downright bully and those who haven't' need help.



You are talking in theories, not from real life.

Wait until your little ones hit middle school.



Sorry, but if your snowflake is bullying right now you can tell yourself this is normal all you want, but it is not. It means the young person is at risk just as much as kids are "at risk" when they have other issues. It doesn't mean your child is destined to struggle with mental illness such as personality disorders, depression, etc or your child is destined to have interpersonal problems and job issues, but it does mean your child is more at risk than those kids able to navigate middle school, have friends, show empathy and get along. I strongly urge you to get your child help now if your child is bullying and don't rationalize it as normal. See is as a signal that your child needs help and can help your child develop into a well-functioning teen and adult and if you get the right mental health help.



How old are your kids? Early elementary?

Middle schoolers (in general) often bully each other, even formerly nice kids from nice families.

Just wait and see what happens when your kids get older.




My kids didn't. If they had there would have been serious consequences. I do think we were fortunate, but I would not have just written it off.

My niece was a pretty nasty bully in middle school and part of highschool. She has been in dialectical behavior therapy since sophomore year of highschool for borderline personality disorder and is doing much better. It is really beautiful to see her develope empathy and turn into a kind young woman.



Maybe your kids did.

Maybe your kids didn't.

You weren't at middle school with them so you don't know if they were mean to other kids or a minion of the queen bee.

A lot of parents say "never my kid" but they are incorrect."


+million.

My 7h grader promises me that he's not a bully and I haven't had any reports from teachers that would indicate what he is (plus, he's in the geeky group, not the popular group). But, I really have not idea what goes on during lunch or on a day to day basis, and I doubt that school administration does either.

Memories are weird. I’ve had several interactions as an adult with women I had grown up with and thought of as friendly acquaintances, who were awful to me. I don’t remember ever speaking to or about them negatively. I wonder if someone in my group of friends was a jerk at some point from middle school onward and I got lumped in with them.