How involved is mom (OP)? My mom was hovering and overbearing and it definitely impacted my friendships.

OP, do you have pets or possibly cook things that have a lingering odor? Your daughter might stink or have some other body/hygiene thing that you don't notice.

My BFF in elementary school was the "stinky" kid, but she was so sweet that we just sucked it up. Her family had 2 huge dogs that they kept inside. So EVERYTHING smelled like dog. There was nothing wrong with her but it meant that those of us who hung around her would occasionally get teased, too.

If this could POSSIBLY be the case, have a housekeeper do a deep clean and try switching out your soaps, toothpaste and laundry detergent.

Anonymous wrote:OP, find an activity that she is good at and let her excel in it. I know people like your daughter. One practices her music about 3-4 hours a day. Her parents organize a solo concert for her every year. For her 11th birthday she recorded a CD snd gave a copy to each of her classmates.
Have you thought of something similar?

That is a TERRIBLE idea for a socially awkward middle schooler. This is not the way to go, OP.

I also wonder how big her school is. My DD is only in 4th grade, but had trouble making friends in early grades. She would make 1 or 2 friends each year, but not be able to carry those friendships over to the next year and spend the first half of the next grade making 1 or 2 friends in that class. She is a little quirky and does not respond normally to other kids’ invitations to play (not like explicit invitations, but social cues of greeting, etc). She can be overbearing at times and just doesn’t play like most girls. But she was always able to find a few kids who she liked and who liked her - in classes of 23-28 kids and with around 100 students in her grade. I think at small private schools it can be that there’s not a good match for a quirky kid in their grade.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two questions:

1) What was your social experience like at the same age?

2) When you watch her with other girls, is she picking up on social cues? Does she understand the subtle messages they are sending? When you see a social cue, you might ask your daughter later if she saw it as well.

1) I have never had trouble making friends. That is what is so hard about this. At her age I had dozens of friends, and several good friends.

2) I think she is eager. She is also a bit clumsy. But how do we FIX that?

Tell her she needs to calm down and back off.

Let people come to her. Most people are attracted to self confidence and poise in others.

Over eager is a turn off for many people.

It seems like posters haven't read that OP said this has been her daughter's issue since she was 3, it's not new.

There was a girl in high school who hung out with us at lunch because she didn't have any friends. She looked like she may have had some special needs or some sort of genetic disorder which did not affect her ability to learn. She had a strange loping walk, and very off facial features. We were already the private school "rejects" so didn't mind her hanging around, but she didn't seem to realize she was at the social rejection table and tried to act as though she was a queen bee. The combination was social suicide. Just an example. We felt sorry for her.

If no one is making fun of your daughters appearance, it much be some sort of social signal she is sending, perhaps she is high functioning / Aspergers?

I would stop encouraging her to make friends, and go for any quirky interests she might have, as others have suggested.

And branch out and try to find other groups, like a religious youth group or some sort of interest club to try as well.

By any chance does she go to private school?
I know from experience that once you are branded a certain way in private school, things usually don't turn around. (I was shy, anxious, and my family was private school "poor" so I hung around with all the other "poor" rejects.) My HS friends and I all agree we would have been happier in public school, with a greater variety of people and interests.
Think about changing schools for high school, if that is the case.

Middle school is tough but not making friends since age 3 is unusual. How large is her school? For kids who are different, bigger schools are so much better.

My ds is in 8th grade and his closest friends are girls. He still has some friends who are boys but they are from elementary school and we moved away from there. At 12 encourage her to do activities and branch out looking for friends among kids of other races and genders.

My ds changed schools in middle school and the most welcoming club was the GLBT & Friends club.

I would also think that it would be REALLY good for you to consider a sleep away camp centered around an activity that she likes. Whether that is music, or tennis, or robotics or horseback riding, it doesn't matter. I think sleep away camp would be good for her.