Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My head was inside the chest because I was looking for a toy at the bottom, but the issue is his indifference, which is very wearing. He's just one of those people who never thinks of others. He prepares food and drinks for himself without ever offering to do so for me or the kids, spends lavishly on himself while I save and ignores special occasions. I can't even get him to maintain the cars. I guess I can only blame myself for having a family with this jerk.

+1

OP, at least you see the problem. I hope you are strong enough to find what is right for you and your children. Being with someone like this is exhausting.

I am also married to someone like this. And for those of you who wonder why I married him - well, he put on a show for quite a few years. It wasn't until we were married and had kids that his indifference has really come to light.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. It's a lot to deal with. I don't think he's a sociopath, but I DO think he legitimately has a difference in empathy and being able to "see" other people's distress and respond to it in a way that other people would do. I mean, he loves our son intensely, but he's always been very un-attuned to his physical distress unless it was really obvious. I think it's almost an autism-like feature of his neurology.

If you have any sort of healthy relationship, what you ought to be able to do is expressly teach him how you want to be treated, and he should be able to do it. But you have to be able to voice your needs and spell them out -- he's never going to figure it out on your own.

And if you approach it judgmentally ("you're completely unempathetic, what is wrong with you??") it's not going to work. I mean, anyone who would actually drop off his wife and newborn on the front step and leave the house surely deserves judgment ... but IF you want an OK relationship, you have to just assume that he's acting that way because his brain works differently, not because he knows what the right thing to do is and is deliberatly not doing it.

Serious question, how do you have any sort of healthy relationship with someone who is like this?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound dramatic.

I broke two ribs one morning in a horse accident and my DH didn’t react. We went to a brunch an hour later. I was in a lot of pain and finally said I had to leave. He was surprised. He was less surprised when I went to immediate care the next day and got Xrays.

Is he bad and uncaring? Of course not, it was up to me to explain, in words, what I felt and needed from him. Any old “distress” could be a stubbed toe or hit funny bone. What do you want, him to rush in and sob over your pump knot?

Why can't she just want him to say, "Hey, honey, are you okay?" I mean, that seems like the absolute minimum. If I heard a loud bang and someone cry out in pain in the office next to mine, I would, at least, call out, "Hey, coworker, you alright?" Like, who are these people who simply do not acknowledge stuff like this? If OP was complaining that her husband didn't make a huge fuss and bring her breakfast in bed because she bumped her head, okay, fine, she's too dramatic. But thinking that someone you live with should care, at least a little, about your physical well-being doesn't seem so unreasonable.

Meh. Some of us don't want people running to check on us every time we get a boo-boo or drop something. If I need you, I'll call you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

I have a daughter with autism and she is the first person to run in whenever she hears a bump or cry. They are quite sensitive and, if raised appropriately, try very hard to be helpful and do the right thing.

That is great (no snark) but my ex has Aspergers and acts just like OP's husband. He made me take food off my plate 4 days after having a c-section because "that was for his lunch tomorrow."

Is being selfish and self centered part of Asperger's (not being facetious, genuinely wondering)?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound dramatic.

I broke two ribs one morning in a horse accident and my DH didn’t react. We went to a brunch an hour later. I was in a lot of pain and finally said I had to leave. He was surprised. He was less surprised when I went to immediate care the next day and got Xrays.

Is he bad and uncaring? Of course not, it was up to me to explain, in words, what I felt and needed from him. Any old “distress” could be a stubbed toe or hit funny bone. What do you want, him to rush in and sob over your pump knot?

Why can't she just want him to say, "Hey, honey, are you okay?" I mean, that seems like the absolute minimum. If I heard a loud bang and someone cry out in pain in the office next to mine, I would, at least, call out, "Hey, coworker, you alright?" Like, who are these people who simply do not acknowledge stuff like this? If OP was complaining that her husband didn't make a huge fuss and bring her breakfast in bed because she bumped her head, okay, fine, she's too dramatic. But thinking that someone you live with should care, at least a little, about your physical well-being doesn't seem so unreasonable.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You sound dramatic.

I broke two ribs one morning in a horse accident and my DH didn’t react. We went to a brunch an hour later. I was in a lot of pain and finally said I had to leave. He was surprised. He was less surprised when I went to immediate care the next day and got Xrays.

Is he bad and uncaring? Of course not, it was up to me to explain, in words, what I felt and needed from him. Any old “distress” could be a stubbed toe or hit funny bone. What do you want, him to rush in and sob over your pump knot?

Why can't she just want him to say, "Hey, honey, are you okay?" I mean, that seems like the absolute minimum. If I heard a loud bang and someone cry out in pain in the office next to mine, I would, at least, call out, "Hey, coworker, you alright?" Like, who are these people who simply do not acknowledge stuff like this? If OP was complaining that her husband didn't make a huge fuss and bring her breakfast in bed because she bumped her head, okay, fine, she's too dramatic. But thinking that someone you live with should care, at least a little, about your physical well-being doesn't seem so unreasonable.

Anonymous wrote:You sound dramatic.

I broke two ribs one morning in a horse accident and my DH didn’t react. We went to a brunch an hour later. I was in a lot of pain and finally said I had to leave. He was surprised. He was less surprised when I went to immediate care the next day and got Xrays.

Is he bad and uncaring? Of course not, it was up to me to explain, in words, what I felt and needed from him. Any old “distress” could be a stubbed toe or hit funny bone. What do you want, him to rush in and sob over your pump knot?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he have Asperger's?

Just stop.

Why? It is a common trait or people with Aspergers not to have empathy for others. If he doesn't have it, obviously he is just a selfish ass, but we need to know the context.

I have a daughter with autism and she is the first person to run in whenever she hears a bump or cry. They are quite sensitive and, if raised appropriately, try very hard to be helpful and do the right thing.

That is great (no snark) but my ex has Aspergers and acts just like OP's husband. He made me take food off my plate 4 days after having a c-section because "that was for his lunch tomorrow."

Is being selfish and self centered part of Asperger's (not being facetious, genuinely wondering)?

Please start another thread in the Special Needs forum. You are hijacking this thread.

Anonymous wrote:The lid of a heavy wooden blanket chest knocked me on the head with him in the next room today. I was nearly knocked out. The kids ran to get him but he admitted he heard the bang and heard me cry out. He didn't say why he didn't respond. I'm not a drama queen but this has happened before, once when I broke my arm. He just ignores any distress. He also dropped me off at the house after our kids were born and went to the office. This was after one night in the hospital, both times. How to address?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My head was inside the chest because I was looking for a toy at the bottom, but the issue is his indifference, which is very wearing. He's just one of those people who never thinks of others. He prepares food and drinks for himself without ever offering to do so for me or the kids, spends lavishly on himself while I save and ignores special occasions. I can't even get him to maintain the cars. I guess I can only blame myself for having a family with this jerk.

+1

OP, at least you see the problem. I hope you are strong enough to find what is right for you and your children. Being with someone like this is exhausting.

I am also married to someone like this. And for those of you who wonder why I married him - well, he put on a show for quite a few years. It wasn't until we were married and had kids that his indifference has really come to light.