This is a husband problem. Perhaps one that societal norms make more common, but not one that is universal by any means.

My DH pulls his weight on both fronts. He actually called me out last night when I was juggling work things and other logistics and also trying to make sure there was something for him and kids to eat when he brought them back from activities - I believe his words were ‘I’m a fully capable adult; let me worry about dinner.” Same thing earlier in the week when we got a call from school about a sick kid and I was in the middle of an important call. Sure, there are things we need to negotiate with each other, and when I travel a lot it wears on him, but he actively supports my career and approaches parenting and home maintence as a shared responsibility.

Not sure how you navigate this, other than with an underlying understanding that he’s being a big baby.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - i have no idea what your subject line means.

I'm a partner in big law. While women only make up around 30% of our partners, we all tend to have pretty good marriages with supportive partner DHs. The male partners on the other hand seem to have much higher rates of divorce and marital problems. Of course, it could be possible that it's harder to achieve success for women *unless* you have a supportive male partner, so the douchebag jerk DHs like OP's keep the OPs from ever making partner. I guess it's a chicken and egg question.

I think men have more of a tendency to trade in for a younger model than women. However, I think you also will find more unmarried or childless women partners in big law than men.

+1 30 something men don’t see a 45 year old plus female law partner in the same way a 30 something female sees a male law partner

Moral of the story:

You are better off making your own money rather than getting discarded for a younger model.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you're describing isn't normal, no. I'm successful and my husband supports my career. He doesn't like me traveling and is annoyed when I am home late. But he has never asked me to quit.

This.

This. My DH is home with a sick kid today. He has the more flexible job and works from home so he does this sort of stuff. He doesnt complain because he loves our kids and just gets sh!t done.

You should like you married a man child. My condolences.

Anonymous wrote:Quit, stay home, let him worry about the money.

I'm a firm believer in having a SAH parent when kids are little if you can afford to have one, but this guy seems especially disengaged from his family. I would not SAH in that circumstance. It's disrespectful to the family for him to go out every night, and also avoid helping with the kids in the morning. This is not the kind of guy who would value and appreciate a SAHM. In op's shoes, I would probably keep working.

What’s your salary in comparison to his?

I’d also resent my husband if he was gone often for a job that paid way way less than mine. That’s silly.

Quit, stay home, let him worry about the money.

Quit, stay home, let him worry about the money.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Track the amount of awake hands on time that each of you spend with the children. Present that while you discuss why he feels you are not home enough.

He is never with the kids alone unless I am traveling or have other work commitments and even then he has the Nanny stay or has his Mom come. We have discussed and he bascuasays I don’t need to work and should take care of the kids.

If you're not a troll, then please understand that he's not going to change. I don't know why you'd want to stay married to a whiny, selfish baby, but to each their own.

I'd save up my $ and divorce him. You'll find someone else that isn't threatened by you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same problem with my DH. The only thing that really works is to act like a man- I don’t ask or plead or bargain, I just do my thing and he can deal with it. He throws a lot of tantrums, but that’s his problem, not mine.

Agree with PP that marriage really isn’t beneficial for women anymore. I half-joke with my best friend that we’d be better off leaving our husbands, buying a house together, and using sperm donors.

Marriage offers nothing for men, there is only one thing you can do for him he cant do for himself. Go buy a house with your friend, women always do great with each other when money is involved.

And he can get that MUCH more cheaply and effectively without marrying for it.

No you cannot get children much more cheaply and effectively without marrying their mother. You are an idiot if you think sex is the reason to marry. Children are a reason to marry, the only reason. For men, it's the only way.

First of all no one said "sex" did they? Its the relationship they get out of it. If they do not have a connection or relationship. there is NOTHING she can offer he cant do for himself. And no marrying is not the only way for men to have children.......................its not the 1950's anymore

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:By any measure, I have succeeded in a male dominated profession. I also am a Mom. My husband is more successful from a financial stand point but works less hours and I am still expected to do 80% of anything kid related. He resents my job, my travel and my success. How to navigate?

You have a husband problem, not a career problem.

No she has a career problem, works more makes less. Perhaps her husband is smart enough to realize her job doesnt pay enough to justify the time.

It’s not her husband’s decision. If she values her career and it’s important to her then that’s what matters. If anyone needs to be putting more time into their home life it’s her husband. When my husband was not making as much as me I would never have said, “you don’t make enough, you should just quit and give up your career.”

It absolutely is his decision how he feels about it. Stop with the bs, we know nothing about how much anyone makes or the real story its one side posted here

OP, care more about your life, your time with the children, your goals -- and care less about how *you think* he views you, or doesn't do what you say.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have the same problem with my DH. The only thing that really works is to act like a man- I don’t ask or plead or bargain, I just do my thing and he can deal with it. He throws a lot of tantrums, but that’s his problem, not mine.

Agree with PP that marriage really isn’t beneficial for women anymore. I half-joke with my best friend that we’d be better off leaving our husbands, buying a house together, and using sperm donors.

Marriage offers nothing for men, there is only one thing you can do for him he cant do for himself. Go buy a house with your friend, women always do great with each other when money is involved.

And he can get that MUCH more cheaply and effectively without marrying for it.

No you cannot get children much more cheaply and effectively without marrying their mother. You are an idiot if you think sex is the reason to marry. Children are a reason to marry, the only reason. For men, it's the only way.

Dear OP - I read above that you make 6 figures, and husband makes more. You guys are a power couple.

Your husband is a good provider, but he is an indifferent father to small children. It's not great, but you don't want a divorce, which is your prerogative. Sometimes it gets better as children mature. I am in somewhat similar shoes, so we hire out a lot of childcare until kids turn 4 y.o. After that, my husband is able to contribute more without being miserable. I know it's not the feminist ideal, but frankly it's the truth that I observed across many families. I would consider hiring out cleaning, too. It effectively makes my (our?) salary less, but I am OK with it.

Anonymous wrote:Act like a Man. it’s pretty simple. Just keep pursuing your career. Ask him to daddy track his career.

This.

He’s acting like a baby. On the home front

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - i have no idea what your subject line means.

I'm a partner in big law. While women only make up around 30% of our partners, we all tend to have pretty good marriages with supportive partner DHs. The male partners on the other hand seem to have much higher rates of divorce and marital problems. Of course, it could be possible that it's harder to achieve success for women *unless* you have a supportive male partner, so the douchebag jerk DHs like OP's keep the OPs from ever making partner. I guess it's a chicken and egg question.

I think men have more of a tendency to trade in for a younger model than women. However, I think you also will find more unmarried or childless women partners in big law than men.

+1 30 something men don’t see a 45 year old plus female law partner in the same way a 30 something female sees a male law partner