Anonymous
11/13/2018 23:28
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Good lord, this would not be an open marriage. Don't insult those that do have one. This is just accepting that your spouse will cheat to stay married.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 22:18
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
OP, open marriage is not as easy as it sounds. Most people still have to explicitly discuss the rules around it to make it work. For example, if your marriage is open, will you still also sleep with each other? Hug or kiss each other? Talk to each other about sexual partners? What resources pay for $ spent on APs? Can they people you are emotionally attached to? Do you get approval of each other’s APs? Etc.
IMO, it’s pretty unlikely that an open marriage survives very long, the logistics and emotions are complicated. But it might buy you time until you divorce.
IMO, it’s pretty unlikely that an open marriage survives very long, the logistics and emotions are complicated. But it might buy you time until you divorce.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 20:22
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Op here - thanks - I am going to share a weird detail that came to light today - he often jokes about us having a boyfriend or girlfriend (eg it he can’t make it somewhere he will say “go take your boyfriend”) etc....
So today I asked him would you seriously not mind if I had someone on the side? He said it wouldn’t bother hi. In the least... I was like, really? He said no wouldn’t bother him...
Now I am NOT nor have I ever asked for Anything other than monogamy in our marriage.... but to me that was maybe something he is trying to communicate....
Weird right?
Also should clarify he does not always reject my advances just sometimes - like 1 in 10 times - but I would always like to have more intimacy - which is why it’s upsetting (in addition to the lying) because I have never turned him down.... and would always be up for more with him...
Anyway yes there is clearly a lot going on here ... and i am not making a rash argument and also just gathering my facts and reflecting for the next few weeks ....
I was horrified and shocked and devastated yesterday but today maybe I’m in denia and compartmentalizations to have normal life go on.....
An no will not get pregnant again !
So today I asked him would you seriously not mind if I had someone on the side? He said it wouldn’t bother hi. In the least... I was like, really? He said no wouldn’t bother him...
Now I am NOT nor have I ever asked for Anything other than monogamy in our marriage.... but to me that was maybe something he is trying to communicate....
Weird right?
Also should clarify he does not always reject my advances just sometimes - like 1 in 10 times - but I would always like to have more intimacy - which is why it’s upsetting (in addition to the lying) because I have never turned him down.... and would always be up for more with him...
Anyway yes there is clearly a lot going on here ... and i am not making a rash argument and also just gathering my facts and reflecting for the next few weeks ....
I was horrified and shocked and devastated yesterday but today maybe I’m in denia and compartmentalizations to have normal life go on.....
An no will not get pregnant again !
Anonymous
11/13/2018 19:49
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Don't get pregnant again.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 16:18
Subject: Re:Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Oh OP, I'm so sorry.
If you only saw evidence of a HE type place and not the EA, I would have a different response. But in this cae, I think there's something else going on--he is not finding his intimacy with you. Particularly since, as you said, he seems to be rejecting your advances. this is not the case of the ignored spouse.
My gut feeling on this is that he is not going to change. Maybe, maybe the risk of losing everything, but even then, I doubt you would necessarily ever know for sure whether or not he is being honest. And that is the worst part--its not the sex or the happy ending or the emotional affair that devastates. its lying and breaking trust, that is what is hard to recover from.
as for what to do next--you have a baby. Think hard about what you want and what life will look like apart. Do you want to walk out now? Bide your time until baby is older? I would also not confront him right away, even though you might feel you must. 100% for sure he will lie and find some bs excuse. You will know, in your gut, its a lie, but he will deny, deflect, blame, etc and it will be ugly. If you bide your time you wll certainly find more. In the meantime please either do not have sex or use condoms.
If you only saw evidence of a HE type place and not the EA, I would have a different response. But in this cae, I think there's something else going on--he is not finding his intimacy with you. Particularly since, as you said, he seems to be rejecting your advances. this is not the case of the ignored spouse.
My gut feeling on this is that he is not going to change. Maybe, maybe the risk of losing everything, but even then, I doubt you would necessarily ever know for sure whether or not he is being honest. And that is the worst part--its not the sex or the happy ending or the emotional affair that devastates. its lying and breaking trust, that is what is hard to recover from.
as for what to do next--you have a baby. Think hard about what you want and what life will look like apart. Do you want to walk out now? Bide your time until baby is older? I would also not confront him right away, even though you might feel you must. 100% for sure he will lie and find some bs excuse. You will know, in your gut, its a lie, but he will deny, deflect, blame, etc and it will be ugly. If you bide your time you wll certainly find more. In the meantime please either do not have sex or use condoms.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 16:11
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Anonymous wrote:OP here - Thanks all - I think EA much more threatening than HE - I have decided that I want to make my marriage work and have not brought up the HE info. Honestly I’m thinking about what I want in the relationship...
I have a pretty high sex drive and with the baby DH and I only have sex like 2 or 3 time a month, so for me the HE gets me upset also as a lost opportunity for me to have sex... bht would I be ok with an open relationship maybe? I feel like my DH has hinted at this in the past...
Maybe it’s time to lay our cards on the table? I have been loyal — just want to have rules we agree on... if that makes sense....
We are best friends and very compatible in bed just know my DH has a secretive/dark side too...
Another EA and lies would kill me though... a physical act of sex bothers me less if there is no emotional attachment or trafficking/etc...
I don’t know...
You don't know what you want. You stayed with a man that had an emotional affair and later had a kid by him. Now you are OK with him receiving sexual favors outside of the marriage. If you are OK with that, then why are you on this forum.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 16:09
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another guy here.
After reading this thread you do come across as very gullible op.
Just to put it in perspective; I would never, ever, ever send a buddy of mine a link to a HE massage place - even as a joke. Those places are freaking nasty and it's the last place I'd want one of my buddies thinking I frequented, let alone that I was referring him to one. Guys that go to places like that are scumbags plain and simple.
.
The fact that you came across this link that his so-called 'friend' sent to him and now you've also found directions, is just a little too coincidental - especially for someone whose supposedly never been to a place like this, lol.
Plus, it sounds like your husband definitely would have cheated if given the opportunity and a bit more time. The only thing that stopped him was the husband found out before anything could happen, but trust that your husband would have done it if he could have and the the thought of you or your kid wouldn't have stopped him.
Are you expecting to see a Red Door Spa like upscale massage parlor that gives HEs? LOL, of course not. But, there are seedy parlors and there are "nice" ones that simply cater to a different clientele - no diferent than a dirty prosititute or a high end escort. Different clientele.
I have never researched or looked for these nicer parlours but they are out there from friends that have checked them out. They don't advertise, they don't have a large attention grabbing store front, but they are clean, have a nice setup and simply cater to a different clientele.
Guy here and you can't be more wrong. First off, I've never frequented them but know folks who have. You have your sscummy variety massage places and you have your more upscale ones. Different workers/clientele. And while I agree that guys typically don't send links for HE places to other buds, if you and your bud are looking for the same thing, of course they would send the link.
Please, do tell, where are all of these upscale massage parlors that give happy endings?
Anonymous
11/13/2018 16:00
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:TO the two PPs that are arguing that none of their friends ever got a HE, have you (and your friends) ever been to a strip club? Have you ever seen a stripper at a bachelor party? I have yet to meet a man that hasn’t. Don’t you think this is also disrespectful to women? Why is an HE so deplorable, but watching a naked woman dancing on you or doing things with her pu$$y ok? This is what I don’t get about these American men (European woman here) so prude, against prostitution, etc., but then love a strip club or a wet t-shirt contest. You are all full of weird morals. You can’t respect women and criticize prostitution and go to strip clubs.
To the OP, I don’t think a HE is a huge deal, but it seems like your DH prefers that to you... that is a much bigger problem in my opinion
Prostitution?? I just threw up a little in my mouth.
So you're ok with banging some woman that hundreds of other men have also? That could potentially have an STD (there aren't enough condoms in the world).
I couldn't do it.
No, I am not. I just hate the hypocrisy of being ok with strippers, but not with HE or prostitutes. Also, I am a woman and only into men. I find this morality very flawed. BTW I doubt all the women you have been with were virgins, so you should stop thinking about all the men they have been with. If I were a man, one thing that would dissuade me from prostitution is the fact that the woman is with you only for your money and she is probably faking everything.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 15:47
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Anonymous wrote:TO the two PPs that are arguing that none of their friends ever got a HE, have you (and your friends) ever been to a strip club? Have you ever seen a stripper at a bachelor party? I have yet to meet a man that hasn’t. Don’t you think this is also disrespectful to women? Why is an HE so deplorable, but watching a naked woman dancing on you or doing things with her pu$$y ok? This is what I don’t get about these American men (European woman here) so prude, against prostitution, etc., but then love a strip club or a wet t-shirt contest. You are all full of weird morals. You can’t respect women and criticize prostitution and go to strip clubs.
To the OP, I don’t think a HE is a huge deal, but it seems like your DH prefers that to you... that is a much bigger problem in my opinion
Prostitution?? I just threw up a little in my mouth.
So you're ok with banging some woman that hundreds of other men have also? That could potentially have an STD (there aren't enough condoms in the world).
I couldn't do it.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 15:44
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another guy here.
After reading this thread you do come across as very gullible op.
Just to put it in perspective; I would never, ever, ever send a buddy of mine a link to a HE massage place - even as a joke. Those places are freaking nasty and it's the last place I'd want one of my buddies thinking I frequented, let alone that I was referring him to one. Guys that go to places like that are scumbags plain and simple.
.
The fact that you came across this link that his so-called 'friend' sent to him and now you've also found directions, is just a little too coincidental - especially for someone whose supposedly never been to a place like this, lol.
Plus, it sounds like your husband definitely would have cheated if given the opportunity and a bit more time. The only thing that stopped him was the husband found out before anything could happen, but trust that your husband would have done it if he could have and the the thought of you or your kid wouldn't have stopped him.
Guy here and you can't be more wrong. First off, I've never frequented them but know folks who have. You have your sscummy variety massage places and you have your more upscale ones. Different workers/clientele. And while I agree that guys typically don't send links for HE places to other buds, if you and your bud are looking for the same thing, of course they would send the link.
Please, do tell, where are all of these upscale massage parlors that give happy endings?
Anonymous
11/13/2018 15:37
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
TO the two PPs that are arguing that none of their friends ever got a HE, have you (and your friends) ever been to a strip club? Have you ever seen a stripper at a bachelor party? I have yet to meet a man that hasn’t. Don’t you think this is also disrespectful to women? Why is an HE so deplorable, but watching a naked woman dancing on you or doing things with her pu$$y ok? This is what I don’t get about these American men (European woman here) so prude, against prostitution, etc., but then love a strip club or a wet t-shirt contest. You are all full of weird morals. You can’t respect women and criticize prostitution and go to strip clubs.
To the OP, I don’t think a HE is a huge deal, but it seems like your DH prefers that to you... that is a much bigger problem in my opinion
To the OP, I don’t think a HE is a huge deal, but it seems like your DH prefers that to you... that is a much bigger problem in my opinion
Anonymous
11/13/2018 15:25
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Anonymous wrote:Another guy here.
After reading this thread you do come across as very gullible op.
Just to put it in perspective; I would never, ever, ever send a buddy of mine a link to a HE massage place - even as a joke. Those places are freaking nasty and it's the last place I'd want one of my buddies thinking I frequented, let alone that I was referring him to one. Guys that go to places like that are scumbags plain and simple.
.
The fact that you came across this link that his so-called 'friend' sent to him and now you've also found directions, is just a little too coincidental - especially for someone whose supposedly never been to a place like this, lol.
Plus, it sounds like your husband definitely would have cheated if given the opportunity and a bit more time. The only thing that stopped him was the husband found out before anything could happen, but trust that your husband would have done it if he could have and the the thought of you or your kid wouldn't have stopped him.
Guy here and you can't be more wrong. First off, I've never frequented them but know folks who have. You have your sscummy variety massage places and you have your more upscale ones. Different workers/clientele. And while I agree that guys typically don't send links for HE places to other buds, if you and your bud are looking for the same thing, of course they would send the link.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 14:44
Subject: Re:Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Years ago a good friend of mine was a P.I. She told me about one lady, a homemaker who was suspicious of her lawyer husband. He wasn't staying out late, in fact came home same time every night after work. My friend followed him to work, then around noon to a topless bar. He went in then 15 minutes later came out to his car. Couldn't figure out why he opened his trunk until they saw him take out a package of condoms then walk back in. She showed the video to the wife who was beyond grossed out. Then they contacted the police to let them know what else was going on at the topless bar.
OP I'm sorry this is a bad time, but I agree with the others. Not only do you have a serial cheater on your hands, but someone who may end up caught in a sting. Easier said, but I would plan my departure from this guy no matter what it took.
OP I'm sorry this is a bad time, but I agree with the others. Not only do you have a serial cheater on your hands, but someone who may end up caught in a sting. Easier said, but I would plan my departure from this guy no matter what it took.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 14:42
Subject: Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
Another guy here.
After reading this thread you do come across as very gullible op.
Just to put it in perspective; I would never, ever, ever send a buddy of mine a link to a HE massage place - even as a joke. Those places are freaking nasty and it's the last place I'd want one of my buddies thinking I frequented, let alone that I was referring him to one. Guys that go to places like that are scumbags plain and simple.
.
The fact that you came across this link that his so-called 'friend' sent to him and now you've also found directions, is just a little too coincidental - especially for someone whose supposedly never been to a place like this, lol.
Plus, it sounds like your husband definitely would have cheated if given the opportunity and a bit more time. The only thing that stopped him was the husband found out before anything could happen, but trust that your husband would have done it if he could have and the the thought of you or your kid wouldn't have stopped him.
After reading this thread you do come across as very gullible op.
Just to put it in perspective; I would never, ever, ever send a buddy of mine a link to a HE massage place - even as a joke. Those places are freaking nasty and it's the last place I'd want one of my buddies thinking I frequented, let alone that I was referring him to one. Guys that go to places like that are scumbags plain and simple.
.
The fact that you came across this link that his so-called 'friend' sent to him and now you've also found directions, is just a little too coincidental - especially for someone whose supposedly never been to a place like this, lol.
Plus, it sounds like your husband definitely would have cheated if given the opportunity and a bit more time. The only thing that stopped him was the husband found out before anything could happen, but trust that your husband would have done it if he could have and the the thought of you or your kid wouldn't have stopped him.
Anonymous
11/13/2018 14:09
Subject: Re:Is this cheating? What do I do? (Found computer history on DH’a computer)
OP again - PP you are right -this is all a sign of lack of respect for women, including me. Hard stop.