Anonymous wrote:My dc is quirky and a little dorky and never gets invited or included by kids at school despite hosting endless playdates and parties. I’ve always wondered though, do the parents of the popular kids ever have to suffer? They seem to reap benefit after benefit. Endless invitations, sycophants kissing up to get in their inner circles, preferential treatment at the school and sports, the list goes on. Honest question- what are their grievances?

I have found that many popular kids have very socially knowledgeable parents who engineer their children’s social lives. With that being said, parents of popular kids also feel angst for their children— much in the same way you describe. I believe it is a universal feeling. I have heard of “popular” children feeling the pressure to be stylish, attend the right parties, get invited to the right parties, be accepted into the right friend group, those types of things. They go home and are totally and completely full of anxiety over these things and their parents feel it. Many of those kids are on Zoloft.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dc is quirky and a little dorky and never gets invited or included by kids at school despite hosting endless playdates and parties. I’ve always wondered though, do the parents of the popular kids ever have to suffer? They seem to reap benefit after benefit. Endless invitations, sycophants kissing up to get in their inner circles, preferential treatment at the school and sports, the list goes on. Honest question- what are their grievances?

You realize popular nowadays often really means "fast." It is not necessarily a good thing.

+1 I would definitely worry if my kid was "popular" in the high school sense. To me that equals too much risky behavior, exposure to drugs and alcohol, etc.

Neither of my kids is "popular" in that way but both have a good circle of friends with a couple "best" friends. I definitely have my worries about them but they are more about learning disabilities, anxiety.

It's odd to me how few parents seem to realize the extent to which circumstances can dictate a kid's popularity. Sure, there are kids with social skills problems, but circumstances also make a big difference. I went to a small, insular, blue collar high school for two years and was not popular -- I played two unpopular sports, excelled at extra curricular activities that were dorky and got good grades, which was seen as a big negative.

Then my parents moved and I started attending a large urban high school kinda like Wilson -- there were all kinds of kids, including a big contingent of kids who valued grades, thought about where they might want to go to college and considered sports other than football, basketball and baseball (at least marginally) cool. I made a lot of really close friends, dated a lot and had a great time. I'm sure I matured and became more socially skilled along the way, but I think 95% of it was circumstance and the fit of the environment to my background and personality. We do our kids a disservice when we forget that. That issue of fit is, I think, a big part of the reason that so many people who hate high school do well in college.

Anonymous wrote:How do you even know if you're kid is in the popular crowd or not? If they get invites to lots of parties? Yes, I'm clueless.

Then your kid is middle of the road. I have a very popular kid. The guy I'm dating has very unpopular kids. They all have problems, but they are very different. We definitely know which is popular and which isn't though. Thankfully, they don't go to the same school or live near each other, so it doesn't make any different between them.

How do you even know if you're kid is in the popular crowd or not? If they get invites to lots of parties? Yes, I'm clueless.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dc is quirky and a little dorky and never gets invited or included by kids at school despite hosting endless playdates and parties. I’ve always wondered though, do the parents of the popular kids ever have to suffer? They seem to reap benefit after benefit. Endless invitations, sycophants kissing up to get in their inner circles, preferential treatment at the school and sports, the list goes on. Honest question- what are their grievances?

You realize popular nowadays often really means "fast." It is not necessarily a good thing.

This. Don't be in a rush for your kids to grow up.

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My dc is quirky and a little dorky and never gets invited or included by kids at school despite hosting endless playdates and parties. I’ve always wondered though, do the parents of the popular kids ever have to suffer? They seem to reap benefit after benefit. Endless invitations, sycophants kissing up to get in their inner circles, preferential treatment at the school and sports, the list goes on. Honest question- what are their grievances?

How old is your DC? This too shall pass and yes, parents of popular kids have plenty to go through too. Everyone does.

Thanks. My son is 24

Oh sorry. That should say 14.

This may be a little clue, but most parents & kids stop calling them playdates around 10 years old.

Anything after that you say that they want to hang or chill together.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this will make you feel better. My DD is ultra popular, in fact an Instagram site identified her as #1 most popular in grade. It is hell for her father and I. You do not get to be most popular by making good decisions, unfortunately that is just the way of the high school social scene. I constantly have to worry about alcohol, drugs, sex, skipping class. Containing and managing her is so difficult. She is invited to everything. High School popularity is fleeting, meaningless, a blimp in life. Yes, she has good looks but there is more to being popular and it is not always pretty. We are counting the days for HS to be over. And her sibling is not in same social scene and it is honestly much more enjoyable to parent.

Several of the parents of the popular girls in my DD's HS feel the same way you do. It is extremely difficult to parent a teen who cares only about their peer group. Will do anything to keep that popularity.

Anonymous wrote: I also have an unpopular, socially awkward, and not successful at school kid. I recently talked to a parent who’s kid seems perfect in every way. He said his kid age 13 gets invited every weekend to make out parties in kids basements and that added a whole level of worry that I don’t have to deal with because my kid doesn’t get invited anywhere. That showed me that the grass isn’t always greener because I don’t have to worry about that whole issue at all. The fast moving popular kids have their own set of worries compared to a homebody who doesn’t get invited out. As heartbreaking as it is to have your kid sitting home on the computer at least you’re not worried about his safety, drug use etc.

Is this public or private? What kind of parents allow kids to have make out parties at 13? I would be more concerned about what else is going on in their house.

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this will make you feel better. My DD is ultra popular, in fact an Instagram site identified her as #1 most popular in grade. It is hell for her father and I. You do not get to be most popular by making good decisions, unfortunately that is just the way of the high school social scene. I constantly have to worry about alcohol, drugs, sex, skipping class. Containing and managing her is so difficult. She is invited to everything. High School popularity is fleeting, meaningless, a blimp in life. Yes, she has good looks but there is more to being popular and it is not always pretty. We are counting the days for HS to be over. And her sibling is not in same social scene and it is honestly much more enjoyable to parent.

Ha ha is this for real? I think you are right about being worried. Popular usually means fast.

Anonymous wrote:My dc is quirky and a little dorky and never gets invited or included by kids at school despite hosting endless playdates and parties. I’ve always wondered though, do the parents of the popular kids ever have to suffer? They seem to reap benefit after benefit. Endless invitations, sycophants kissing up to get in their inner circles, preferential treatment at the school and sports, the list goes on. Honest question- what are their grievances?

You realize popular nowadays often really means "fast." It is not necessarily a good thing.

So you are suffering because your kid is not popular? Ha. I guess you are the one who never left HS.

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Anonymous wrote:Our children are both ‘floaters’ as the PP called it, they are friends with many and in between various groups. So, in multiple various cliques of like 7-9 kids they are like the 8th or 9th. It seems healthy as they have a lot of different friends, but it can be hard too, and feel like never quite being in the heart of any one group.

This. I was a "floater" like you describe in hs and looking back, it wasn't that great. I didn't have the "time of my life" experience that a lot of people describe having in high school.

I had that in college when I joined a sorority and was in the heart of a particular group.

If high school ends up being "the time of your life", you will have led a pretty sad life.

You know what I mean. A time in your life that you look back at with great nostalgia.

Personally I would say every year gets better for me. But there are certain periods that stick out as being particularly great.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Our children are both ‘floaters’ as the PP called it, they are friends with many and in between various groups. So, in multiple various cliques of like 7-9 kids they are like the 8th or 9th. It seems healthy as they have a lot of different friends, but it can be hard too, and feel like never quite being in the heart of any one group.

This. I was a "floater" like you describe in hs and looking back, it wasn't that great. I didn't have the "time of my life" experience that a lot of people describe having in high school.

I had that in college when I joined a sorority and was in the heart of a particular group.

If high school ends up being "the time of your life", you will have led a pretty sad life.

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Anonymous wrote:Also, your perceptions are weird. “Inner circle”? Sycophants? I’m sure there are popular kids in my kid’s class, but I would never notice that level of dynamics, or think to describe it that way.

You seem unnaturally triggered.

I'm not the poster to whom you're responding but the "triggered" comment is just silly. The response above is mine too: OP seems to be seeing dynamics here worthy of a soap opera. Asking in all seriousness and not snarkily, OP: Do you know specifically of parents who themselves are sucked up to by other parents so that kids get to be associated with the popular teens? Where does the intense focus on inner circles and sycophants come from? I can see that there can be preferential treatment in sports (which should be a big so what if your child isn't in sports) but otherwise -- do you mean that the same parents of the supposedly popular kids tend to lead things at the school? That may be, as another PP said, a factor of outgoing adults who also have outgoing kids.

Does your "quirky" kid engage in quirky-kid things with others? Our high school has stuff ranging from a creative writing club to a cheese club to robotics to...anything you can name. There's plenty for the quirky kids to do to find their people. If your child's HS doesn't have that and has a strong "typical popular teen" vibe instead, your teen could use strong encouragement to find activities outside school that match his or her real interests. If you're mostly sad that your child isn't doing the popular-kid sports or clubs or social stuff outside school -- help your child do the things that DO interest his or her "dorky" self. There are other dorks out there proud to fly the dork flag and they invite other kids to their social stuff too!