Anonymous
10/18/2018 12:47
Subject: Re:Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it: you have one kid who has a passion that you want to encourage. I totally get that and think it's a good thing for a parent to do. And you want this kid to develop a sense of responsibility, which will require him to have some skin in the game.
Here's the plan I would suggest for both kids:
1. Mom pays for equipment, entry fees, etc. for the important passions. If one kid needs a $3000 cello and one needs a $300 pair of ice skates, fine. That's an example of fair not always meaning equal.
2. Mom provides the necessities for both kids, e.g., the necessary amount of money on a metro card to get to and from school and activities (try signing up for auto-reload), food in the house for each kid to pack his own lunch (or not), reasonable clothing, etc.
3. Mom provides an allowance to each kid, either monthly or weekly, in an amount sufficient to cover a reasonable amount of extra activities. This means eating out with friends, homecoming, social events, etc. You give this to both kids, without being asked. If kid #2 wants to bank his, fine. If kid #1 spends all his, fine. It's theirs to choose. But make sure you give it to both kids, and have the same expectations for both of them with regard to its use.
4. Mom does not provide ad hoc funds (e.g., "Do you need money for that movie?"). The kids budget for themselves, though you can help guide them in decision-making. If one runs out because he spent it all on pizza and can't go to the movie, fine. That's the learning experience.
5. If kid loses any of the necessary items Mom has provided, kid pays for that out of his own money. If he can't afford a movie because he had to buy a new metro card, again, fine. That's the learning process.
6. In urgent cases (kid lost metro card, doesn't have any money to replace it), Mom advances the cost from the next month's allowance - with a meaningful amount of interest, like 10%. No working it off. Mom also follows through by subtracting the correct amount next month.
This way, both kids have what they need, both kids have the opportunity to learn budgeting and responsibility, and both kids are treated fairly.
The kid may have to learn a painful lesson once or twice with this approach, and it will be your job not to bail him out, no matter how compelling the activities (e.g., if he spends all his money, he might not get to go to homecoming). Better he have a little hurt now and learn responsibility, than have big hurts later because he hasn't.
OP - just do this. S/he nails it. Good luck and the main thing is that you need to drop the guilt. The vast, vast majority of families have to live on a budget. You're not depriving your kids if you live within your means and you're really damaging them long term if they don't know how to manage money.
Anonymous
10/18/2018 07:02
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
I give my teen an allowance, and it saves me a ton of money!
If the money belongs to her, she has to decide if something is worth the money. While she isn’t doing a ton of work for the allowance, she is learning how to not mindlessly spend. If she saves up $100, then blows it all on a mall trip, then she will be broke until she saves up the money again. I buy her clothing basics, and she buys the rest. I buy her food, but she has to pay for any meals out with her friends. I take her on some out of town trips and conventions, but she is responsible for paying for tickets and any extras while she is there. She does this with birthday/holiday money and I give her $10 every other week. I’m a single parent who doesn’t make a lot of money.
I do encourage her to join paid research studies, as long as they don’t involve taking drugs or invasive/risky testing. She wants to get a job, but I am concerned her school work load will prevent her from keeping a job.
If the money belongs to her, she has to decide if something is worth the money. While she isn’t doing a ton of work for the allowance, she is learning how to not mindlessly spend. If she saves up $100, then blows it all on a mall trip, then she will be broke until she saves up the money again. I buy her clothing basics, and she buys the rest. I buy her food, but she has to pay for any meals out with her friends. I take her on some out of town trips and conventions, but she is responsible for paying for tickets and any extras while she is there. She does this with birthday/holiday money and I give her $10 every other week. I’m a single parent who doesn’t make a lot of money.
I do encourage her to join paid research studies, as long as they don’t involve taking drugs or invasive/risky testing. She wants to get a job, but I am concerned her school work load will prevent her from keeping a job.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 22:18
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Wow! Thank you 14:43! You get it and this is very practical straightforward advice!!
Of course easier said than done but I'm going to try the budgeting again.
Budgeting and a healthy respect for family. Both children need to understand that the three of you work as a team to make your family run. Everyone gets what they need but “wants” have to be managed more carefully. Turn over a new leaf now. It is a good time to start a conversation that you will have college coming up for them and you need to start following a family budget more closely. Needs are met and everyone gets allowance for extras. For example, groceries for meals will always be provided and the occasional meal out for all of you but if they choose to spend discretionary money on snacks and treats, they won’t have it for other things. Remind your spendthrift that he’ll be making lunches at home when he’s out of money. It won’t be easy but you have to STOP GIVING IN! ANd it’s perfectly okay to remind him that your family sacrifices for his activity and he needs to respect that sacrifice. (That’s what’s going to eventually burn your other child. Maybe not that the brother got more, but that the brother’s lack of appreciation fueled entitlement). You aren’t going to ruin your relationship just because he gets mad sometimes. Teens get mad. It’s okay to say no and deny him things. That’s part of learning that they are not the center of the universe. Teaching social and life skills and a sense of gratitude is an absolute must if you want him to be a healthy functioning adult.
Please nip this in the bud. He’s on the fast track to ruling the roost in your house and you’ll be powerless to stop it and even more powerless to change him.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 19:34
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Wow! Thank you 14:43! You get it and this is very practical straightforward advice!!
Of course easier said than done but I'm going to try the budgeting again.
I know you mentioned you were concerned about your relationship with your son, too. The more he takes responsibility for his own budgeting, the less potential for conflict there is between the two of you, because Mom is not the ATM - you can bow out of the emotional calculation (yes, I know that's easier said than done, too!)
Also, don't worry about this being related to being a single parent. It's not. Plenty of partnered parents likely earn less than you and most of the parents I know - of any marital status - struggle with these issues.
Good luck!
Anonymous
10/17/2018 16:02
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Wow! Thank you 14:43! You get it and this is very practical straightforward advice!!
Of course easier said than done but I'm going to try the budgeting again.
Of course easier said than done but I'm going to try the budgeting again.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 14:43
Subject: Re:Money stress and forgetful teen
OP, I get it: you have one kid who has a passion that you want to encourage. I totally get that and think it's a good thing for a parent to do. And you want this kid to develop a sense of responsibility, which will require him to have some skin in the game.
Here's the plan I would suggest for both kids:
1. Mom pays for equipment, entry fees, etc. for the important passions. If one kid needs a $3000 cello and one needs a $300 pair of ice skates, fine. That's an example of fair not always meaning equal.
2. Mom provides the necessities for both kids, e.g., the necessary amount of money on a metro card to get to and from school and activities (try signing up for auto-reload), food in the house for each kid to pack his own lunch (or not), reasonable clothing, etc.
3. Mom provides an allowance to each kid, either monthly or weekly, in an amount sufficient to cover a reasonable amount of extra activities. This means eating out with friends, homecoming, social events, etc. You give this to both kids, without being asked. If kid #2 wants to bank his, fine. If kid #1 spends all his, fine. It's theirs to choose. But make sure you give it to both kids, and have the same expectations for both of them with regard to its use.
4. Mom does not provide ad hoc funds (e.g., "Do you need money for that movie?"). The kids budget for themselves, though you can help guide them in decision-making. If one runs out because he spent it all on pizza and can't go to the movie, fine. That's the learning experience.
5. If kid loses any of the necessary items Mom has provided, kid pays for that out of his own money. If he can't afford a movie because he had to buy a new metro card, again, fine. That's the learning process.
6. In urgent cases (kid lost metro card, doesn't have any money to replace it), Mom advances the cost from the next month's allowance - with a meaningful amount of interest, like 10%. No working it off. Mom also follows through by subtracting the correct amount next month.
This way, both kids have what they need, both kids have the opportunity to learn budgeting and responsibility, and both kids are treated fairly.
The kid may have to learn a painful lesson once or twice with this approach, and it will be your job not to bail him out, no matter how compelling the activities (e.g., if he spends all his money, he might not get to go to homecoming). Better he have a little hurt now and learn responsibility, than have big hurts later because he hasn't.
Here's the plan I would suggest for both kids:
1. Mom pays for equipment, entry fees, etc. for the important passions. If one kid needs a $3000 cello and one needs a $300 pair of ice skates, fine. That's an example of fair not always meaning equal.
2. Mom provides the necessities for both kids, e.g., the necessary amount of money on a metro card to get to and from school and activities (try signing up for auto-reload), food in the house for each kid to pack his own lunch (or not), reasonable clothing, etc.
3. Mom provides an allowance to each kid, either monthly or weekly, in an amount sufficient to cover a reasonable amount of extra activities. This means eating out with friends, homecoming, social events, etc. You give this to both kids, without being asked. If kid #2 wants to bank his, fine. If kid #1 spends all his, fine. It's theirs to choose. But make sure you give it to both kids, and have the same expectations for both of them with regard to its use.
4. Mom does not provide ad hoc funds (e.g., "Do you need money for that movie?"). The kids budget for themselves, though you can help guide them in decision-making. If one runs out because he spent it all on pizza and can't go to the movie, fine. That's the learning experience.
5. If kid loses any of the necessary items Mom has provided, kid pays for that out of his own money. If he can't afford a movie because he had to buy a new metro card, again, fine. That's the learning process.
6. In urgent cases (kid lost metro card, doesn't have any money to replace it), Mom advances the cost from the next month's allowance - with a meaningful amount of interest, like 10%. No working it off. Mom also follows through by subtracting the correct amount next month.
This way, both kids have what they need, both kids have the opportunity to learn budgeting and responsibility, and both kids are treated fairly.
The kid may have to learn a painful lesson once or twice with this approach, and it will be your job not to bail him out, no matter how compelling the activities (e.g., if he spends all his money, he might not get to go to homecoming). Better he have a little hurt now and learn responsibility, than have big hurts later because he hasn't.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 10:16
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:I'm raising two teens on one income. It's a nice income and I feel lucky, but there are financial stresses especially since one of my teens does a somewhat pricey activity. This teen also likes nice things and likes to spend $ eating out with friends. Unfortunately, this teen's activity prevents him from having a summer job so he is not able to earn money for extras (unlike his sibling who worked all summer for spending money).
So I buy him nice clothes, pay for things like homecoming, social activities, phone chargers etc. I don't mind doing this BUT here are the problems:
1. He loses things a lot (a metro card, his wallet, a $20) and wastes things (lunches come home uneaten)
2. He promises to work off money he borrows from me but then does not do the work or I have to harass him to do it
3. I try to be sympathetic and supportive but then I get fed up and stressed out. I freak out and he refuses to communicate. It's a horrible cycle.
I want to teach him to manage his money and I know I'm doing it all wrong. I also don't want him to suffer bc he's being raised by a single parent. And I don't want our relationship to suffer.
I am so stressed over money right now and I need him to take responsibility!!!
I suggest you come up with a budget and and have him manage to the budget. He pays for replaced metro card, etc out of his budget. If you offer money to help you with household duties, you pay after the work is competed. This is a good lesson to teach your child.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 09:40
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op Here. Thanks for those who have *nicely* offered advice and perspective.
I'm not sure why everyone is hung up on my other child. To clarify, I do spend money and expend resources fairly equally between the two. However they have different needs. I'm not going to buy the one a football every time I buy his brother one (for example only) when that is not is activity.
To the poster who wondered how a child could *possibly* not NEED a car, lots of people don't drive. In fact, in my older teen's circle, many kids are choosing not to even get their licenses because they don't need them. Public transportation FTW!
To everyone who likes to play the DCUM guessing game + predictions of doom (musical instrument+snark I'm looking at you), get another hobby. It's not helpful.
Anyway, thanks again for the advice and commiseration. Yes! Therapy! I'm in it. He's in it. Hopefully it will help in the long run.
OP, I don't think you really came here for advice but to unburden your soul, vent a little etc. I hope that this thread has enabled you to do that. I very much doubt that you will even heed the *nicely* offered advice and perspective. Good luck with your choices.
Huh. Interesting. I actually genuinely DO want advice and several posters offered it. To them, I say thanks.
FWIW, I offered additional information not as an "excuse" but as more context. It's hard to put all the relevant details in a single post. DCUM has high expectations for not rambling but putting *everything* in the original post.
Be nice on the internet, friends!
Anonymous
10/17/2018 09:38
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Give both teens a comparable weekly or monthly allowance that allows them to pay for a reasonable amount of "nice clothes,...things like homecoming, social activities, phone chargers" etc.
Both teens have the opportunity now to do things that will benefit their own lives in the future. Teen who works should be able to save that money (if desired) to save, invest, pay for future car, etc. Teen who doesn't work has an expensive hobby that could parlay into an income later. But it is his choice not to work now and save his money. He shouldn't be coddled, and his sibling shouldn't be penalized for working.
Benefits of a clear allowance, which can be used to make a budget:
1. He will learn to lose things less and waste things less. (I wouldn't ride him too heard about the lunch, because he could always just throw it out at school so you'll stop nagging. But why is he not eating it--is it because he's buying junk at school? If he keeps doing that, that's a financial choice he'll be making with his own money.
2. You won't be lending him extra money, so you won't have to hassle him about repaying it or working it off. He wants phone charger? He can save for it or put it on his Christmas list. There's nothing he needs now that requires loans.
3. You remove the emotion from the money. You don't need to vacillate between being supportive and being frustrated. Instead, you can be supportive 100% of the time. "Oh, you spent all your money for the week and can't attend a movie with your friends? That sucks. Feel free to invite your friends over to watch a movie here instead."
+100
this is simple, straightforward and correct.
OP, I think you are missing the fact that to teach your children about budgeting you don't need to show them your "adult" budget, you just need to give a child a reasonable, but fixed amount for each week that should be sufficient for a reasonable life if used wisely. a child can learn budgeting by realizing that if they spend all their money on fast food after school they won't have enough for a new video game or a movie on the weekend. *that* is what other readers are advocating. You don't need to burden them with your mortgage payment, but the learning to trade off immediate gain for longer term happiness is the key skill each needs.
This PP also correctly gets the point about fairness. Both kids get the same allowance and then have their time to work to their full potential either for now or later.
You can do this! Don't overthink it.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 09:29
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
Anonymous wrote:Op Here. Thanks for those who have *nicely* offered advice and perspective.
I'm not sure why everyone is hung up on my other child. To clarify, I do spend money and expend resources fairly equally between the two. However they have different needs. I'm not going to buy the one a football every time I buy his brother one (for example only) when that is not is activity.
To the poster who wondered how a child could *possibly* not NEED a car, lots of people don't drive. In fact, in my older teen's circle, many kids are choosing not to even get their licenses because they don't need them. Public transportation FTW!
To everyone who likes to play the DCUM guessing game + predictions of doom (musical instrument+snark I'm looking at you), get another hobby. It's not helpful.
Anyway, thanks again for the advice and commiseration. Yes! Therapy! I'm in it. He's in it. Hopefully it will help in the long run.
OP, I don't think you really came here for advice but to unburden your soul, vent a little etc. I hope that this thread has enabled you to do that. I very much doubt that you will even heed the *nicely* offered advice and perspective. Good luck with your choices.
Anonymous
10/17/2018 09:29
Subject: Money stress and forgetful teen
OP does not want advice.
She wants affirmation that the collective masses agree she should keep giving money to the irresponsible kid.
She wants affirmation that the collective masses agree she should keep giving money to the irresponsible kid.