Anonymous
08/15/2018 20:17
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
I think the you have to pick them up people are nuts. BWI is an hour from Arlington. The SIL arrived at 6 am!!! She literally picked the least convenient airport at an awful time, which requires a round trip from someone picking her up, so that person spends 2 hours on the road when the arriving able-bodied 30 year old could easily take the one way Uber that her hosts offered to pay for???
Anonymous
08/15/2018 20:06
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
Anonymous wrote:I think families are just different. Some here see a visitor as a nuisance - there attitude is fine, as long as I don't have to lift a finger and do anything for you...then great visit. If you want to use your time and money to come here, that is your choice, don't expect me to be appreciative.
Other people see family and friends and visitors very differently.
In my family we always pick each other up at the airport. The idea of 'find your own way to our house if you want to come' is foreign to us. It sounds like OPs DH also comes from a family that has stronger bonds and appreciates visits and OP just sees having to entertain her SIL as a nuisance
We also do other things for each other, we do give time and money towards each other - and it is reciprocal. You are flying there and spending money to see us, we appreciate that so we will do x and y for you.
There are a lot of people who truly feel they should never do anything for anyone else. That their own needs and wants are all that matters and they feel entitled to be as self centered as they want to be.
I think you are reading way way way too much about into a family's bonds and a hostess' welcome based on whether or not they hire a car service or pick up the relative directly! To me, the plane and car ride are part of the same journey. The SIL didn't expect the relative to meet her at her own house and fly the plane with her, did she? That part of the trip she did by herself, so I don't understand why she couldn't take the final leg of that journey by herself too, or why the OP's desire to pay for a car service somehow means she doesn't want the visit, doesn't appreciate family or sees the SIL as a nuisance. Quite the stretch.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 19:58
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
My sister has five kids and lives in another city (well, the suburbs of another city). I think it would be terribly inconsiderate to ask her or my BIL to drive into the city to pick me up at the airport. Their lives are hectic, even with most of the kids involved in the same stuff.
Maybe some people expect family to cater to their every need when they visit. I like making their lives easier when I visit, not harder.
Maybe some people expect family to cater to their every need when they visit. I like making their lives easier when I visit, not harder.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 19:53
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
It wouldn’t even occur to me to ask someone to drive from Arlington to BWI. I traveled for work starting at 22, though. Maybe she’s a nervous traveler...but that still is inconsiderate in light of the distance and the fact that you have a baby.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 19:36
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
Anonymous wrote:I think families are just different. Some here see a visitor as a nuisance - there attitude is fine, as long as I don't have to lift a finger and do anything for you...then great visit. If you want to use your time and money to come here, that is your choice, don't expect me to be appreciative.
Other people see family and friends and visitors very differently.
In my family we always pick each other up at the airport. The idea of 'find your own way to our house if you want to come' is foreign to us. It sounds like OPs DH also comes from a family that has stronger bonds and appreciates visits and OP just sees having to entertain her SIL as a nuisance
We also do other things for each other, we do give time and money towards each other - and it is reciprocal. You are flying there and spending money to see us, we appreciate that so we will do x and y for you.
There are a lot of people who truly feel they should never do anything for anyone else. That their own needs and wants are all that matters and they feel entitled to be as self centered as they want to be.
Nope. People don't think they should have to do things for someone else that a FULLY GROWN ASS ADULT should be able to do for themselves. Just like the OP doesn't expect the SIL to pick her up at the airport. Enough with this co-dependent BS. Learn to do things for yourself.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 19:32
Subject: Re:asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. Yeah I gather she is pissed since she forked over money and long weekend and effort to see us. And yes their parents are immigrants with high family cohesiveness as part of the culture. (But they're born and raised here.)
And yes DH said he'll just go get her and I said don't be silly you haven't slept in days she will be fine in a Lyft what's the big deal BWI from Arlington is 1 hour. aaaaand that's where I went wrong...
Yes, that is where you overstepped. Your husband could have made his own decision though.
He made his own decision. He decided not to pick her up. He could have said no to OP but he didn't. He's an adult.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 19:16
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
I live near BWI and always go pick up family who fly into Reagan. I guess to me it’s like an extra hour or two I get to spend with them and I’m happy to do it. In fact I can’t imagine not doing it. That said, if it was a big deal to your husband he should’ve gone anyway. He doesn’t get to blame you for what was ultimately his decision.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 19:10
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
I don't really get the 'she's an adult' attitude.
Adults can get all their own meals - but that doesn't mean I don't ever feed my guests and expect them to get all their own meals.
Adults can do laundry and change sheets and make beds but that doesn't mean I expect my guests to do that themselves.
The whole point of someone being a guest is that you are hospitable not that you tell them that anything they can do at home, you expect them to do while visiting.
Adults can get all their own meals - but that doesn't mean I don't ever feed my guests and expect them to get all their own meals.
Adults can do laundry and change sheets and make beds but that doesn't mean I expect my guests to do that themselves.
The whole point of someone being a guest is that you are hospitable not that you tell them that anything they can do at home, you expect them to do while visiting.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 19:06
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
I think families are just different. Some here see a visitor as a nuisance - there attitude is fine, as long as I don't have to lift a finger and do anything for you...then great visit. If you want to use your time and money to come here, that is your choice, don't expect me to be appreciative.
Other people see family and friends and visitors very differently.
In my family we always pick each other up at the airport. The idea of 'find your own way to our house if you want to come' is foreign to us. It sounds like OPs DH also comes from a family that has stronger bonds and appreciates visits and OP just sees having to entertain her SIL as a nuisance
We also do other things for each other, we do give time and money towards each other - and it is reciprocal. You are flying there and spending money to see us, we appreciate that so we will do x and y for you.
There are a lot of people who truly feel they should never do anything for anyone else. That their own needs and wants are all that matters and they feel entitled to be as self centered as they want to be.
Other people see family and friends and visitors very differently.
In my family we always pick each other up at the airport. The idea of 'find your own way to our house if you want to come' is foreign to us. It sounds like OPs DH also comes from a family that has stronger bonds and appreciates visits and OP just sees having to entertain her SIL as a nuisance
We also do other things for each other, we do give time and money towards each other - and it is reciprocal. You are flying there and spending money to see us, we appreciate that so we will do x and y for you.
There are a lot of people who truly feel they should never do anything for anyone else. That their own needs and wants are all that matters and they feel entitled to be as self centered as they want to be.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 18:53
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You and your husband didn’t seem particularly hospitable to her after she came out of her way to see you. Actions have consequences, as we are fond of saying around here.
Is the “drama” now that she doesn’t want to travel to see you again but you think she should because she’s single (why did you even include that in your description)?
There's nothing less hospitable about greeting a relative with excitement at hugs on your front porch compared with at the airport. The days of embracing directly at the airport gate are long gone - now it's a scramble to hop in the car in the pick up line before someone behind you honks. The mere fact that she didn't pick SIL up at the airport doesn't mean she wasn't hospitable. The car ride is simply part of the entire transportation route - no different than the fact that she didn't decide to ride alongside SIL in the airplane.
EXACTLY this.
FROM NOW ON... just do what that other person suggested yp thread - just say "whatever you think is best, honey." IN the future, when he says "I guess I'll go pick her up at the airport, even though it's an hour away and it's at 5am." Well, you could suggest she take a cab or uber or lyft, but 'whatever you think is best, honey." should be your refrain at the end OF EVERY SENTENCE.
Honestly, those of you who are dating someone who is of a very different culture - pay attention when you are dating. Is the way your boyfriend/girlfriend is acting towards his/her mother, sister, brother, father, aunt, grandmother, etc. the way YOU want to act for the rest of your life? NO? Then don't get married because it isn't going to be any different in the future.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 18:48
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
Give them an arrival time that's 1-2 hrs earlier than you anticipate.Anonymous wrote:OP, convey to your DH that 1) being upset about it a full year later is over the top and 2) if he wants to, from now on he can do pickups arrangements however he pleases. If he and SIL are American born and educated, there has to be a way to reason with him.
Your post resonated with me because I am on the receiving end of the opposite - visiting DH's family overseas, where culturally they feel the need to pick us up from the airport. But also culturally, it's acceptable to be late, so we end up waiting about an hour every time after a 9 hour flight, it drives me up the wall every time...
Anonymous
08/15/2018 18:09
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
Gee, I wonder why she’s single.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 18:03
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
OP, convey to your DH that 1) being upset about it a full year later is over the top and 2) if he wants to, from now on he can do pickups arrangements however he pleases. If he and SIL are American born and educated, there has to be a way to reason with him.
Your post resonated with me because I am on the receiving end of the opposite - visiting DH's family overseas, where culturally they feel the need to pick us up from the airport. But also culturally, it's acceptable to be late, so we end up waiting about an hour every time after a 9 hour flight, it drives me up the wall every time...
Your post resonated with me because I am on the receiving end of the opposite - visiting DH's family overseas, where culturally they feel the need to pick us up from the airport. But also culturally, it's acceptable to be late, so we end up waiting about an hour every time after a 9 hour flight, it drives me up the wall every time...
Anonymous
08/15/2018 16:38
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
OP, your SIL will probably not going to come back for another visit so this is a non-issue.
Anonymous
08/15/2018 16:37
Subject: asked visiting SIL to take Lyft from airport and caused much drama...
Anonymous wrote:No wonder so many of you can’t keep a man for long. Op, if I were your SIL, I wouldn’t come visit you again for many years.
Because as we all know "keeping a man" is the epitome of success.
