Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:12     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I started off wholly on your side. But all this talk about how you can't possibly engage in any "menial labor" makes me think you sound quite entitled generally and, in fact, the volunteer work would be good for you!


I was forced to clean toilets in junior high l if I got less than an A (including an A-). Sorry if being put on cleaning duty triggers me.


Cleaning toilets is a trigger? Oh goodness OP. I'm trying to ask this gently, but do you have a diagnosis of BPD? You are purposely seeing only negatives here.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:09     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Can you explain this volunteer thing a little bit more. You are moving to a new town, and chose a school that requires 100 hours of volunteer time?

If you will be staying home, why does it matter that the boss agreed?

I'm not trying to be snarky, just trying to unravel the question a little.



The boss basically told me to quit. I can't get a full days work in with drop-off/pick-up and this volunteer work. I can't handle the travel the job requires.

I did not choose the school. DH wanted DD to attend a Catholic school and there is only one in the area.


DP Is there anyway you can change DH's opinion on the school? It seems rather unfair that you are making all the sacrifices. Losing your job, moving somewhere you do not want to live and forcing you to volunteer 100 hours! Yikes! He does not sound like a good guy at all.


I would seriously push back on the volunteering and school and try to get another job! Isn't there a neighborhood school?


+1 You compromised for your husband so he can further his career. The least he can do is compromise on schools so your kid can go to the local public. Your kid goes to public, you meet with the counselor and start mapping out the next few months of your life. This could be a good opportunity to think about what you want to do next. If you are a diligent job searcher, you will find something, and you could also think about whether there is some retraining/additional education that might make sense and open up some new opportunities.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:08     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I started off wholly on your side. But all this talk about how you can't possibly engage in any "menial labor" makes me think you sound quite entitled generally and, in fact, the volunteer work would be good for you!


I was forced to clean toilets in junior high l if I got less than an A (including an A-). Sorry if being put on cleaning duty triggers me.


Ok now youve lost all my support. I realize you have some mental health issues (that don't seem properly treated). But now you just sound whiny and defeatist. You WANT to be miserable so that's the only feeling you'll feel. Fine, just own it. But don't make your DH and your kid miserable because you are.

Or, you could be an adult. I'm sorry that cleaning is so far beneath you (triggering is just absurd). But suck it up. Get over yourself and start looking for some positives.


You know nothing about mental illness.


Or child abuse (yes, emotional abuse is abuse).
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:08     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I started off wholly on your side. But all this talk about how you can't possibly engage in any "menial labor" makes me think you sound quite entitled generally and, in fact, the volunteer work would be good for you!


I was forced to clean toilets in junior high l if I got less than an A (including an A-). Sorry if being put on cleaning duty triggers me.


Ok now youve lost all my support. I realize you have some mental health issues (that don't seem properly treated). But now you just sound whiny and defeatist. You WANT to be miserable so that's the only feeling you'll feel. Fine, just own it. But don't make your DH and your kid miserable because you are.

Or, you could be an adult. I'm sorry that cleaning is so far beneath you (triggering is just absurd). But suck it up. Get over yourself and start looking for some positives.


You know nothing about mental illness.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 11:07     Subject: Re:please tell me this won't be so bad
Required volunteering made me laugh out loud. I'm a teacher and not even my son's Catholic school has volunteering requirements. If so, I'd say, "No. I can't do that. I work FT. But I can do things some evenings or on weekends." I volunteered to help out my son's teachers the first few years he was in school. I said I was also a teacher and couldn't volunteer during the day. I explained what I could do and I was the official laminator cutter out person for the grade level. The teachers would send home laminated materials and I would sit and cut them out while watching TV. It was soothing. I maybe did it for a few hours per week (more at the beginning of the year). You should not have to quit your job to do this OP.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:57     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP, I started off wholly on your side. But all this talk about how you can't possibly engage in any "menial labor" makes me think you sound quite entitled generally and, in fact, the volunteer work would be good for you!


I was forced to clean toilets in junior high l if I got less than an A (including an A-). Sorry if being put on cleaning duty triggers me.


Ok now youve lost all my support. I realize you have some mental health issues (that don't seem properly treated). But now you just sound whiny and defeatist. You WANT to be miserable so that's the only feeling you'll feel. Fine, just own it. But don't make your DH and your kid miserable because you are.

Or, you could be an adult. I'm sorry that cleaning is so far beneath you (triggering is just absurd). But suck it up. Get over yourself and start looking for some positives.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:51     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:OP, I started off wholly on your side. But all this talk about how you can't possibly engage in any "menial labor" makes me think you sound quite entitled generally and, in fact, the volunteer work would be good for you!


I was forced to clean toilets in junior high l if I got less than an A (including an A-). Sorry if being put on cleaning duty triggers me.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:49     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:Oof, OP. Yes, it sounds bad. But I also think you are catastrophizing in a harmful way. Quitting your job over the volunteer requirement without talking to the school, asking about scheduling, asking about specific jobs, etc. was not a rational decision. What I am hearing here sounds a lot like your mental illness, and I think it's a good idea you are getting help.

My kids go to a school with an even higher volunteer commitment (2 hrs a week per child plus yearly commitment). I work full-time at a demanding job, as does my husband. So I get it. But the schools know parents work. They want to work with you. So I get my hours done, but in chunks. I also use professional skills on my own time, and that also counts. Finally, the reality is that these hours are rarely rigid. Although it gets others upset, there are plenty of parents at my kids' school who just simply don't do it. There are others who cannot do it and the school works with them. It's simply not going to be as rigid as you are insisting. It's just not. And there will be after care, babysitting, nanny options, etc. for pickup.

So my question is are you addressing the mental health issues that have led you down this path? Have you discussed your anxiety and rigidity with your counselor? It's terrific you have a counselor, that's a great first step.


We did talk to the school. They told us it's their decision whether to charge us for missed hours or revoke DD's admission, with the tone that said "If you're asking, we're leaning towards expulsion." It was horrible. I almost cried right there in the interview, because they were so rigid and DH was giving me that look that said we'd talk about it later. But what was there to talk about?

I honestly don't understand 2 hours a week with a demanding job. I don't. When you have specific hours (and keep in mind customers were already annoyed that I was going to have a time zone change), I don't see being forced to volunteer as realistic.

Yes, I've talked to my current counselor. This all stems from hyper-strict parents and a miserable childhood. I feel like I'm being vaulted right back into it. Not just feels - I AM being vaulted right back into the rules and discipline and punishments and I'm not sure how to cope. We're working on it, but even he says it's not a healthy situation - said homeschooling would be the best FOR ME if I could cope with losing my job and if it was best for DD. I'm not willing to go that far yet.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:47     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
OP, I started off wholly on your side. But all this talk about how you can't possibly engage in any "menial labor" makes me think you sound quite entitled generally and, in fact, the volunteer work would be good for you!
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:46     Subject: Re:please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to address the issues with dh but rather the school and job parts. Call your boss and beg for your job. You can do this. The 100 hours of service are not the big problem. My husband and I both work full time and easily do 100+ hours of service for our Catholic school. Not all volunteer work needs to be done during school hours. Some work can be done remotely like researching after school programs and organizing things. How we got most of our hours were projects that happened on the weekend. My husband and I would both go and our kids would "help" that meant we were earning 2 hours for every hour there since both of us were working.
You bigger problem is the pick up/drop off. This is where you need to think things through. If you quit your job you earn zero dollars. If you keep your job you earn money which means you can pay someone to do some of the driving. Talk to the school and find out if they can help you identify another family that lives near you. If you find another stay at home parent and you offer to pay them to drive your child then you are still making money and now another mom is making money too.


SAHP's don't want to help working moms. This issue has been rehashed here over and over.


Except there are those that do if they are paid. Asking a SAHP to do a favor is very different then paying someone to do a job. OP is moving away from DC to a small town where most people do not live like those that do in DC. I'm not suggesting she ask for help. I'm suggesting she offer a paid job to drive her daughter. See the difference? A paid position for a small amount of work that could be done by a SAHP, a retired person or someone out of high school that works non 8-5 hours. There are lots of people who are actually looking to work extra jobs. The Catholic school and the parish secretary may be able to help her find someone that wants the job. Not to help her but because they need the money and are willing to work.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:43     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Oof, OP. Yes, it sounds bad. But I also think you are catastrophizing in a harmful way. Quitting your job over the volunteer requirement without talking to the school, asking about scheduling, asking about specific jobs, etc. was not a rational decision. What I am hearing here sounds a lot like your mental illness, and I think it's a good idea you are getting help.

My kids go to a school with an even higher volunteer commitment (2 hrs a week per child plus yearly commitment). I work full-time at a demanding job, as does my husband. So I get it. But the schools know parents work. They want to work with you. So I get my hours done, but in chunks. I also use professional skills on my own time, and that also counts. Finally, the reality is that these hours are rarely rigid. Although it gets others upset, there are plenty of parents at my kids' school who just simply don't do it. There are others who cannot do it and the school works with them. It's simply not going to be as rigid as you are insisting. It's just not. And there will be after care, babysitting, nanny options, etc. for pickup.

So my question is are you addressing the mental health issues that have led you down this path? Have you discussed your anxiety and rigidity with your counselor? It's terrific you have a counselor, that's a great first step.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:37     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've had to quit the job I've been with through 6 moves and 17 years. DD starts kindergarten a few weeks from now, and her school requires the parents do 100 hours of volunteer work a year.


What is your career/professional expertise? Whatever it is, surely there is a way for the new school to capitalize on that. There's no requirement that you show up and be a playground monitor or cafeteria aide. Figure out how you can do your old "job" in this new setting. Find a way to make it fulfilling. I left a professional career, but honestly, all the things that made me successful at that are the same things that fulfill me in my volunteer capacity. There are plenty of places to put your professional experience to work in an educational environment.


I'm an engineering consultant. I do QA auditing.

I don't even understand how they can expect people to be a playground monitor. Don't most parents have jobs? Yes, I work remotely, but I know most don't - are there companies who are ok with an employee just leaving during the day to serve lunch?


No, they don't. Not at Catholic schools in low COL areas. The whole expectation, and the rhythm of the school, is set up around the assumption that families have one parent at home. It isn't just the volunteer requirements, either. It's the 1 pm liturgies and the 9:30 am social teas with other moms on the playground.

Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:24     Subject: Re:please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:I'm not going to address the issues with dh but rather the school and job parts. Call your boss and beg for your job. You can do this. The 100 hours of service are not the big problem. My husband and I both work full time and easily do 100+ hours of service for our Catholic school. Not all volunteer work needs to be done during school hours. Some work can be done remotely like researching after school programs and organizing things. How we got most of our hours were projects that happened on the weekend. My husband and I would both go and our kids would "help" that meant we were earning 2 hours for every hour there since both of us were working.
You bigger problem is the pick up/drop off. This is where you need to think things through. If you quit your job you earn zero dollars. If you keep your job you earn money which means you can pay someone to do some of the driving. Talk to the school and find out if they can help you identify another family that lives near you. If you find another stay at home parent and you offer to pay them to drive your child then you are still making money and now another mom is making money too.


SAHP's don't want to help working moms. This issue has been rehashed here over and over.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:21     Subject: Re:please tell me this won't be so bad
I'm not going to address the issues with dh but rather the school and job parts. Call your boss and beg for your job. You can do this. The 100 hours of service are not the big problem. My husband and I both work full time and easily do 100+ hours of service for our Catholic school. Not all volunteer work needs to be done during school hours. Some work can be done remotely like researching after school programs and organizing things. How we got most of our hours were projects that happened on the weekend. My husband and I would both go and our kids would "help" that meant we were earning 2 hours for every hour there since both of us were working.
You bigger problem is the pick up/drop off. This is where you need to think things through. If you quit your job you earn zero dollars. If you keep your job you earn money which means you can pay someone to do some of the driving. Talk to the school and find out if they can help you identify another family that lives near you. If you find another stay at home parent and you offer to pay them to drive your child then you are still making money and now another mom is making money too.
Anonymous
Post 07/27/2018 10:20     Subject: please tell me this won't be so bad
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I've had to quit the job I've been with through 6 moves and 17 years. DD starts kindergarten a few weeks from now, and her school requires the parents do 100 hours of volunteer work a year.


What is your career/professional expertise? Whatever it is, surely there is a way for the new school to capitalize on that. There's no requirement that you show up and be a playground monitor or cafeteria aide. Figure out how you can do your old "job" in this new setting. Find a way to make it fulfilling. I left a professional career, but honestly, all the things that made me successful at that are the same things that fulfill me in my volunteer capacity. There are plenty of places to put your professional experience to work in an educational environment.


I'm an engineering consultant. I do QA auditing.

I don't even understand how they can expect people to be a playground monitor. Don't most parents have jobs? Yes, I work remotely, but I know most don't - are there companies who are ok with an employee just leaving during the day to serve lunch?