Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 21:23     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
Until you’ve been in their shoes there is no way for you to understand why they did what they did. Move on.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 21:23     Subject: Re:SIL’s infertility issues
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.


I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.


You're wrong actually, it took me almost 4 years to get (and stay) pregnant. And you can bet it got harder and hrder for me to put on a happy face and act thrilled when people shared pregnancy news with me. Private cries, skipping baby showers and gender reveals? I did it. But I cannot IMAGINE not ever seeing my nieces and nephews as they grew and became toddlers etc. Can't imagine! I love kids...and I love the hell out of them.

How far does this logic go for you? Do you avoid your siblings' kids through the teenage years, because it's too painful of a reminder that you don't have a teenager of your own? Do you suddenly start trying to forge a relationship with them when they turn 20?

Honestly, I'd like to know your logic here
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 21:13     Subject: Re:SIL’s infertility issues
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.


I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.


NP here and I totally agree with the poster commenting about being in their niece and nephews' lives. And yes, I have infertility issues (IUI, IVF, 3 years of trying), I do not have a child and I absolutely adore my young nephews and have since day one.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 21:07     Subject: Re:SIL’s infertility issues
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.


I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.

Spoken like someone who has never had to struggle.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 21:07     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
Anonymous wrote:I have a child who has a disability. I also had very hard pregnancy and am now unable to have any more children. It stings sometimes when other pregnant women or moms seem to have it so easy. Despite this, I still go to all my friends and relatives baby showers and other milestones without envy and jealousy getting in the way.

And others handle their grief differently. It's often not "envy and jealousy", just raw pain.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 21:02     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
Anonymous wrote:Why do I feel like some of these posters have never experienced infertility?

OP, would you have preferred them showing up and being depressed and on the verge of tears the whole time? I guess nothing short of them not having any feelings at all about their inability to have a child, just so they could exude happiness at your good fortune, would have been enough. Plenty of people on this thread have explained where they were likely coming from; if you want a relationship going forward, have some empathy and leave it in the past. If you don’t care about having a future relationship, then by all means keep holding a grudge.

Most of them never have and will never get it. Look at OP's attitude. It's all about herself.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 21:00     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced. Under most commenters logic I should
Avoid weddings or because I lost of money in my divorce I have an excuse to avoid and be raging with jealousy of anyone with more money than me. See how that works?

Speak for yourself.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 20:56     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
Why do I feel like some of these posters have never experienced infertility?

OP, would you have preferred them showing up and being depressed and on the verge of tears the whole time? I guess nothing short of them not having any feelings at all about their inability to have a child, just so they could exude happiness at your good fortune, would have been enough. Plenty of people on this thread have explained where they were likely coming from; if you want a relationship going forward, have some empathy and leave it in the past. If you don’t care about having a future relationship, then by all means keep holding a grudge.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 20:44     Subject: Re:SIL’s infertility issues
Anonymous wrote:Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.


I agree completely. It's one thing to have a hard time with pregnancy announcements, even to skip baby showers and the like. It's entirely another to completely reject and make zero effort to spend time around your nieces and nephews once they're actually here - real people (close family members!) who are growing and changing as individuals. They're no longer just amorphous "babies" that you don't have yourself at that point.. Having a hard time reacting joyfully to another pregnant announcement or a hard time being around someone when they're pregnant is one thing; avoiding your own nieces and nephews is another. That's absolutely offensive and wrong on their parts, and not excused by infertility.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 20:39     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
OP, it's not about you. They are each other's primary family. Cool your jets and accept what you get.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 20:16     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
I’ve had fertility issues and never did get pregnant. It can be hard to be around others kids, though I’ve never been the type to avoid children because of my infertility. What I do regret is ever telling anyone I was trying because then you have people constantly asking you how it’s going which is heartbreaking month after month of negative pregnancy tests. It’s even hard when others who had IVF due to infertility ask...on one hand they might have advice that can help and they can definitely relate and feel your pain but on the other hand they should know better than to ask and bring it up every month.

I think it’s one of those things that everyone experiences and responds to differently and it’s impos to know your own feelings until you experience them first hand.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 20:14     Subject: Re:SIL’s infertility issues
Infertility is not an excuse to check out. They should have been involved with their niece's/nephews.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 20:03     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Try to imagine what it was like for them to watch ALL the "other siblings" have kids in the past two years while that's what they desperately wanted and could not have. Just sit for a minute and try.

For the first baby, they could probably manage. But then the next one came, and they were still in the same spot. And then another. Same spot. Then another, same spot. And all these relatives were inviting them to baby showers and baptisms/bris events and then giving them side eye for not coming.

You know why I skipped one of my dearest friend's baby shower? I couldn't do it. Another of our friends was going to be there too, hugely pregnant. I was on year 3 of NOT being able to get pregnant. I wanted it so badly and I felt so awful DAILY that I couldn't make it happen. I could not sit there and coo over baby stuff. I'd done it just a month earlier for another friend, and it almost broke me. I was surrounded by pregnant friends at every turn (all early 30s married women).

The worst part? I hated myself for it. I felt weak and humiliated that I just could not fake it anymore. I felt sad and desperate and irrational and bitter. The only thing worse than FEELING that way was everyone else KNOWING I felt that way. I hated that I had a hard time just being happy for my friends. I wanted them to be happy! I was just so so sad for me.

My advice: love their new kid like crazy, do your best to facilitate the cousin relationship, and DROP the slights or whatever else. If you are close enough you can say "I'm sorry for what you've gone through, that must have been hard".


NP. I totally understand avoiding certain friends and definitely baby showers. Of course. But deciding not to have a relationship with your siblings and their kids anymore? That seems highly dysfunctional and I can't imagine a recipe for happiness in life.


OP I would be upset if I were you but you have to move on because you want a relationship with your niece or nephew when they arrive. I will say my sister was pregnant and her SIL didn't acknowledge her pregnancy or the child for a year, then started reaching out like nothing happened. There was definitely tension on my sister's part but a few years later things are okay.

I am going through infertility and have been for a while and have happily celebrated babies born to my friends and family. Why? Because I'm genuinely happy they are happy.

And before someone comments, yes this is my personal reaction as are most other posts in this thread. I am offering an alternate view. Infertility is challenging but so are lots of things in life.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 19:50     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
Anonymous wrote:I’m divorced. Under most commenters logic I should
Avoid weddings or because I lost of money in my divorce I have an excuse to avoid and be raging with jealousy of anyone with more money than me. See how that works?


No - you can feel whatever you want to feel about your circumstances. What commenters are saying is that if you were torn up about your divorce and struggling greatly, your friends and family should have compassion in understanding that you may have nothing to give right now. clearly you don't have that compassion.
Anonymous
Post 07/25/2018 19:40     Subject: SIL’s infertility issues
I’m divorced. Under most commenters logic I should
Avoid weddings or because I lost of money in my divorce I have an excuse to avoid and be raging with jealousy of anyone with more money than me. See how that works?