Anonymous
07/16/2018 15:03
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Sounds to me like you've found an amazing woman OP - smart, rational, financially secure, thoughtful about your kids, on good terms with everyone and interested in spending her life with you.
Don't screw it up w/ old fashioned values that are driven by what makes you feel like a man. Shake that off and realize you have an amazing thing here. She sounds fantastic and you are a lucky guy.
Don't screw it up w/ old fashioned values that are driven by what makes you feel like a man. Shake that off and realize you have an amazing thing here. She sounds fantastic and you are a lucky guy.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 14:52
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you agree on cash or accrual. The last thing you want is to be at odds regarding your method of accounting for your assets! Also, be sure to rebalance your 401(k)s, and pipe any residual income into a Roth. And OMG don't neglect insurance! Particularly long term care for when you're too old to care for (or recognize) each other anymore, but require cash outlays for things like cable TV, soft foods, and people to wipe your bottom, and of course term life for when you expire and people need to pay for your coffin/cremation and the donation to the church you never actually attended but is willing to send the pastor for a small memorial attended by your children and the few remaining people alive who may remember you.
So much to consider before joining your lives together!
Actually reading the thread before commenting is crucial.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 10:06
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:She sounds smart. And you sound like a jerk. You should apologize to her.
This.
I know a couple army widows who similarly are not remarrying to preserve their benefits. It's the smart thing to do.
You don't need the piece of paper. But is she opposed to living together? I wonder if she isn't interested in cooking and cleaning for you? Can't say I blame her. Perhaps offer to hire a housekeeper to entice her to move in with you?
It sounds like you want ft companionship, and that's legit. I'd want someone in my bed every night, too. See if she's open to cohabitating without marriage. Both of you can keep your own homes, rent one or both out, etc.
She's totally correct when it comes to protecting assets. Imagine if you get dementia or some such and your adult kids screw her out of your house and assets. Not worth the risk.
Lastly, it's fair to question her love and loyalty. She sounds more rational than emotional. I bet she would cut and run if you were diagnosed with ED or cancer. Better to find out now than further down the road.
Read the OP. She's willing to consider living together, and even buying a vacation home together. She just doesn't want to get married, in part because the financial implications mean reduced independence for her and because mixing finances with two sets of families can be really messy. Children who like a GF just fine might view her differently when things like inheritance come into play.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 10:03
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
She's being smart. Why do you want a piece of paper from the govt to legitimize your relationship? Didn't you learn your lesson with your first divorce? If you aren't having kids together, there's no reason to marry. Don't be dumb and let sentiment overrule logic.
Why buy the cow when you are not only getting the milk for free, but extra free cream too (pension). Money talks, OP. Keep the pension and use it for lavish vacations with your lovely, smart GF.
Why buy the cow when you are not only getting the milk for free, but extra free cream too (pension). Money talks, OP. Keep the pension and use it for lavish vacations with your lovely, smart GF.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 10:01
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Hi OP,
Listen, my own MIL died and my FIL married another woman a couple years later. They have been married for 3 years and while we all think she’s a nice lady and we happily include her in all family functions, let’s be real here:
She’s someone my husband met in his 30’s and we have both spent less than 50 days total with this person. If FIL were to die tomorrow we would probably never spend any time with her after the funeral. Not because we hate her, but because there’s no shared history, no common bond. It’s laughable to suggest that we would feel responsible for caring for her in old age the same way we would for FIL.
I would bet my house that your own children feel the same way towards your girlfriend. You sound really delusional.
Listen, my own MIL died and my FIL married another woman a couple years later. They have been married for 3 years and while we all think she’s a nice lady and we happily include her in all family functions, let’s be real here:
She’s someone my husband met in his 30’s and we have both spent less than 50 days total with this person. If FIL were to die tomorrow we would probably never spend any time with her after the funeral. Not because we hate her, but because there’s no shared history, no common bond. It’s laughable to suggest that we would feel responsible for caring for her in old age the same way we would for FIL.
I would bet my house that your own children feel the same way towards your girlfriend. You sound really delusional.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 09:54
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
She sounds amazing.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 09:46
Subject: Re:GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am glad I read these comments and realize I am out of touch. I originally was a bit offended when she told me all this because a.) I felt like it implied my own children wouldn't think of her or take care of her in old age when they have a good relationship and seem to genuinely like each other and b.) it felt like she was just picking a paycheck over marriage. She is very interested in living together/buying a 2nd vacation home together in a place we both love. I guess I just assumed we would get married. She very frankly told me "my husband worked a job he hated for years to ensure I would be provided for in all circumstances of life." which to me doesn't seem like "independent woman" it seems like picking the "richer" man. I know I need to change my thinking on that.
Why would they? They have their own parents' needs to consider.
Have you ever been responsible for an elderly person? It is daunting.
What part of her statement is wrong? He did, in fact, work to provide for her. She is not "picking the richer man" (he is dead). She is choosing security.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 09:45
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.
57 here, happily married, and there is NWIH I would ever marry again.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 09:43
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:It’s not selfish to want to use the money her deceased husband earned.
+1
And she is right about second marriages, children, grandchildren, and estate planning.
In her shoes, I would not want to remarry, either.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 09:39
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP here. I am glad I read these comments and realize I am out of touch. I originally was a bit offended when she told me all this because a.) I felt like it implied my own children wouldn't think of her or take care of her in old age when they have a good relationship and seem to genuinely like each other and b.) it felt like she was just picking a paycheck over marriage. She is very interested in living together/buying a 2nd vacation home together in a place we both love. I guess I just assumed we would get married. She very frankly told me "my husband worked a job he hated for years to ensure I would be provided for in all circumstances of life." which to me doesn't seem like "independent woman" it seems like picking the "richer" man. I know I need to change my thinking on that.
1) I would never count on my stepkids to take care of me after their father died. I am not their mother. They are not my kids. It isn't the same relationship and I've seen too many kid/step-parent battles over money after one parent died.
2) I wouldn't marry you on a bet. You are screamingly insecure. You are competing with her dead husband. You are trying to win against a dead man. You can't win that fight. No one can win that fight. You will continue to be insecure and make crazy demands trying to win a fight that is unwinnable.
She should DTMFA.
Yup. She would be an idiot to count on your kids taking care of her if you die. Fights over money get UGLY, especially if the first wife is still living.
And I agree--you are competing with a dead man, and that's a bad look. She's clearly willing to make a commitment to you (buying a house together) but she doesn't want marriage. Her reasons are quite rational. And frankly, if she wasn't sure before, your "gold digger" comments about her first husband and the father of her children will seal the deal. I would NEVER marry someone who said that to me.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 08:14
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
As someone who works a job I hate for the pension, if I was the dead spouse, I would be furious if my spouse gave it up.
You suck OP.
You suck OP.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 08:08
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:She sounds smart. And you sound like a jerk. You should apologize to her.
This.
I know a couple army widows who similarly are not remarrying to preserve their benefits. It's the smart thing to do.
You don't need the piece of paper. But is she opposed to living together? I wonder if she isn't interested in cooking and cleaning for you? Can't say I blame her. Perhaps offer to hire a housekeeper to entice her to move in with you?
It sounds like you want ft companionship, and that's legit. I'd want someone in my bed every night, too. See if she's open to cohabitating without marriage. Both of you can keep your own homes, rent one or both out, etc.
She's totally correct when it comes to protecting assets. Imagine if you get dementia or some such and your adult kids screw her out of your house and assets. Not worth the risk.
Lastly, it's fair to question her love and loyalty. She sounds more rational than emotional. I bet she would cut and run if you were diagnosed with ED or cancer. Better to find out now than further down the road.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 08:02
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Another one who is totally confused by OP’s gold digger comment. She is, in fact, not looking for an older man to take care of her at all. She’s taken care of.
It’s a knee jerk reaction that many insecure men have. Hence so many examples on DCUM.
No OP is insinuating that his gf married her husband who was older so he would die quicker and she would get his pension. That’s the gold digger comment.
Wow. Her first (dead) husband?! She is going to be done with you, OP.
Anonymous
07/16/2018 07:50
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:I am 40. I would never ever remarry if divorced or widowed. I do not understand why anyone would marry more than once (woman here).
+1. Guy 50s. Divorce is a disaster financially and statistically more likely to happen with no 2. Fool me once ....
Anonymous
07/16/2018 07:46
Subject: GF and I started talking marriage and I was shocked she was dead against it
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:FWIW nearly every 50+ woman I know (single, divorced, happily married) says she would definitely not marry again.
+1. Agree and I am a woman in her 50s. I don’t know any woman around my age who wants to get married.