Anonymous
Post 07/19/2018 12:20     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Pp here- they don’t really care if we are close or not. I keep it light and simple and never talk to them about the past. I think it’s best that my kids don’t have much to do with them.
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2018 12:02     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What gets me more than the rewriting of the history, is that my mom loves to tell stories consistent with her version.... versions in which I always come off kinda dumb.

I know that my son and I don't agree about how certain events transpired, and maybe he thinks I rewrote. So, I don't mention those stories in public. Ever.

No point in creating tension. Not sure why my mom does what she does, unless it is to get under my skin. I get under my kid's skin plenty, but I try my best not to.


+1

Sometimes siblings do this, especially if they are an older sibling threatened by a younger siblings' success.


This is the PP. Yeah and sometimes there may be more than one truth. I get that. The only part that really gets me is the continued need to tell the stories when I'm obviously uncomfortable. I know how it makes me feel. A time or two I've caught myself when my son has felt like the "victim of alternative truths." Each time, I just shut up and make a mental note to drop that story from those I tell. I don't do everything right as a parent, but I do try not to make my kid uncomfortable for reasons related to my own ego.


+1

Good on you, PP! Other PP here. You are aware of and correcting the issues, that is the important part. It is really hurtful behavior, on your family's part. They are wrong to do that. It is wrong for anyone in a family to talk bad about other family members in order to feel better about themselves.


I couldn’t agree more. I love this thread because I feel less alone.

My parents were content to have us watch tv all summer and do nothing. Now that my kids are in specialty camps, they’ve invented camps and other enrichment opportunities that never happened. I just gloss over this because nothing will top my wedding day when my dad thanked himself for paying for my wedding (he never offered and aside from paying for his hotel room, didn’t spend a dime), and thanked himself for paying for my grad school where my husband and I met and college (I paid for both ENTIRELY on my own- thankfully I had a good school counselor who helped me take out loans, part time jobs, and scholarships). We are still paying this off today. I hated my state college that I had to attend because I could not afford to put myself through the Ivy League school of my dreams.

I asked him when we’d be getting the check then since we had done it all on our own.

I absolutely agree that I shouldn’t have said anything, but I was absolutely done with my dads bad behavior (constant comments about the modesty of our wedding - hello we were 25 and paid for everything ourselves and had an open bar!- and my simple dress and modest engagement ring). My parents have not saved a dime towards retirement. They both have always driven top of the line Mercedes Benzs, my mom upgraded her engagement ring to a 5 carat monstrosity, they wear only expensive designer clothes to their blue collar jobs, and take expensive trips to Europe. I also think they spend a lot of money on recreational drugs. Growing up my parents spared no expense on their clothing or their master bedroom or their cars, but dumped my sisters and i in one bedroom (with four girls!!) and made us pay for our own clothing after we turned 12 and could babysit. They made us pay for our own dental work as well which is why we all had braces as adults.

I don’t make a big stink about my parents lies anymore except for on my wedding day. It still does hurt. Glad I’m not alone.


Glad I made you feel better and less alone (I'm "kinda dumb") but I am sorry to say, your parents completely outclass mine on this stuff (and not in a good way).

I guess it won't matter to your parents that much if you aren't close to them. My mom is completely mystified how out "closeness" faded away (I got therapy and stopped being a doormat, but I never told her I went to therapy because I don't want it discussed at family events in a disparaging way).
Anonymous
Post 07/19/2018 11:56     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What gets me more than the rewriting of the history, is that my mom loves to tell stories consistent with her version.... versions in which I always come off kinda dumb.

I know that my son and I don't agree about how certain events transpired, and maybe he thinks I rewrote. So, I don't mention those stories in public. Ever.

No point in creating tension. Not sure why my mom does what she does, unless it is to get under my skin. I get under my kid's skin plenty, but I try my best not to.


+1

Sometimes siblings do this, especially if they are an older sibling threatened by a younger siblings' success.


This is the PP. Yeah and sometimes there may be more than one truth. I get that. The only part that really gets me is the continued need to tell the stories when I'm obviously uncomfortable. I know how it makes me feel. A time or two I've caught myself when my son has felt like the "victim of alternative truths." Each time, I just shut up and make a mental note to drop that story from those I tell. I don't do everything right as a parent, but I do try not to make my kid uncomfortable for reasons related to my own ego.


+1

Good on you, PP! Other PP here. You are aware of and correcting the issues, that is the important part. It is really hurtful behavior, on your family's part. They are wrong to do that. It is wrong for anyone in a family to talk bad about other family members in order to feel better about themselves.


I couldn’t agree more. I love this thread because I feel less alone.

My parents were content to have us watch tv all summer and do nothing. Now that my kids are in specialty camps, they’ve invented camps and other enrichment opportunities that never happened. I just gloss over this because nothing will top my wedding day when my dad thanked himself for paying for my wedding (he never offered and aside from paying for his hotel room, didn’t spend a dime), and thanked himself for paying for my grad school where my husband and I met and college (I paid for both ENTIRELY on my own- thankfully I had a good school counselor who helped me take out loans, part time jobs, and scholarships). We are still paying this off today. I hated my state college that I had to attend because I could not afford to put myself through the Ivy League school of my dreams.

I asked him when we’d be getting the check then since we had done it all on our own.

I absolutely agree that I shouldn’t have said anything, but I was absolutely done with my dads bad behavior (constant comments about the modesty of our wedding - hello we were 25 and paid for everything ourselves and had an open bar!- and my simple dress and modest engagement ring). My parents have not saved a dime towards retirement. They both have always driven top of the line Mercedes Benzs, my mom upgraded her engagement ring to a 5 carat monstrosity, they wear only expensive designer clothes to their blue collar jobs, and take expensive trips to Europe. I also think they spend a lot of money on recreational drugs. Growing up my parents spared no expense on their clothing or their master bedroom or their cars, but dumped my sisters and i in one bedroom (with four girls!!) and made us pay for our own clothing after we turned 12 and could babysit. They made us pay for our own dental work as well which is why we all had braces as adults.

I don’t make a big stink about my parents lies anymore except for on my wedding day. It still does hurt. Glad I’m not alone.
Anonymous
Post 07/17/2018 13:19     Subject: Re:Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
My mother rewrites her cooking history. She often speaks about how we always had home cooked meals and made-from-scratch baked goods. My sister and I play along... but then we discuss the many times we divided a 20 piece Mc-Nugget, ate our vegetables only from a can, and made-from-scratch meant a box brownie mix.

Honestly, I just think there are a whole heck of a lot more options for families now. I never got to do half of what my kids do, but that is because those weren't the options. And really, my parents did what everyone else was doing. One sport a season was sufficient, because no one else did anymore. Travel sports, year round sports- they did not exist. Ballet was ballet, not a million different specialty dance classes. There were no art, language, cooking, computer classes. Those were offered through school, and school alone. To my parents.. I did all those things.
Anonymous
Post 07/16/2018 14:23     Subject: Re:Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
I complain about my parents' alleged frugality. They reuse aluminum foil and ziploc bags multiple times. They were deemed capable of paying for me to attend Harvard by the financial aid department, but my dad told me he was saving for his retirement so I went elsewhere on a merit scholarship. My dad enrolls in clinical trials and mock juries to make money. Takes a freelance job to make a few bucks the day of a family gathering he drove 15 hours to get to, so he spent all 3 hours of the gathering on the computer. When he's done with a car, he sells the clunker to a poor person, so a parade of poor people come to see the car and he haggles. His shirt pocket sags from coupons excerpted from his huge file drawer of alphabetized coupons. He wears the same Members Only jacket since the 80s, at all times including meals except July and August. Brags that he gets his hair cut only twice a year.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2018 07:03     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:My parents aren't this way, but my ILs talk all the time about how they paid for my husband's college. They did not. We are still paying for it via student loans. They paid for his rent - $250/mo and literally nothing else. Not even money for food. They irritate me so much.


And there you have it, folks -- the inevitable "my in laws are awful" response.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2018 07:01     Subject: Re:Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:Yes, my mom does this. I absolutely got the car response, except it was "you only asked once". To be fair, she bought me a brand new car in college. Also, she told me I should have asked her to help with buying a SFH instead of a townhouse. I am SUPER amused by that - she made it clear at the time that she gave what she was going to give and that was that. 15+ years later, she realizes that I would have been a lot better off with the SFH (along with my DH and kids), and I think she regrets not giving me the money. I wish she would just SAY that, though, instead of trying to rewrite history.


To be fair?? HA! Yeah, you're fair.
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2018 06:58     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
PP here. I neglected to add that you're also the generation posting the "I'm a SAHM and my kids are driving me crazy" threads. Talk about the pot calling the kettle black.

Which is the "selfish" generation again?
Anonymous
Post 07/13/2018 06:52     Subject: Re:Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think it's pretty common human nature to view the past with rose-colored glasses and to change memories to paint yourself in a better light. Like grandparents who exclaim over their grandkids who wake up at night, insisting that their kids never did that! Also their kids walked at 6 mos and were talking in sentences at 12 mos.

My DH does this with regard to recent history, particularly with regard to parenting, and it drives me insane. I did 100% of the daycare dropoffs and pickups for one kid for example. I am quite sure of this -- I remember it and I remember the daycare teachers asking me what he was like because they had never met him. He insists now that he did quite a bit of dropping off and picking up. Really DH? It's not even old history - I remember what happened 3 years ago! I can't tell if he knows he's wrong or he really has rewritten it in his mind.


I think people re write and remember what they want to.


THIS. And it applies to all generations, including all the women on this thread complaining about the alleged frugality of their parents. We rasied our kids in the 80s and 90s, and believe me they and their friends were given a LOT of time and money. I don't see any material difference between how our kids and their friends were raised and treated -- front and center to their parents' lives -- and how our kids are treating their grandkids. And get this: we actually GET ALONG with our kids and grandkids and all of us are happy to have each other around.

DCUM is a truly sad forum. I only stumbled upon it recently, and man -- it's full of nothing but accomplished women (and the occasional man) complaining about their parents, their inlaws, their siblings and their friends. You all act like you were dropped into an orphanage by a stork and got no help from anyone on the way. Talk about revising history! Talk about white people problems!

I mean, wow.



Anonymous
Post 07/13/2018 06:36     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:
My parents were asocial and thus had no idea what normal parenting looked like. I lived a hermit's life, basically, and only socialized at school. God forbid I had a semblance of a life outside of school. I was not allowed to see my friends, go anywhere, or have any kind of activity, apart from piano, a very solitary sport. Borderline abusive.

I tried to talk to them about it once. It did not go over well.


were you an only child?
Anonymous
Post 07/10/2018 20:07     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
My parents were asocial and thus had no idea what normal parenting looked like. I lived a hermit's life, basically, and only socialized at school. God forbid I had a semblance of a life outside of school. I was not allowed to see my friends, go anywhere, or have any kind of activity, apart from piano, a very solitary sport. Borderline abusive.

I tried to talk to them about it once. It did not go over well.


How are you parenting nowadays?

My spouse had a similar situation but because his father had severe ADHD almost to the point of being a social liability or dangerous in public or private or parenting situations. DH is only now addressing his family of origin issues and doesn't know what to make of his parents or their relationship.


My children and I are introverted, we like spending time together, we have friends but not a lot. However, we aren't as extreme as the old generation. The difference between my parents and myself is that because of my childhood experiences, I am acutely aware of how social involvement can impact child development, so I do my best to organize birthday parties, maintain friendships and welcome neighbor kids in our house. My parents invited my friends only once - for my 10th birthday. I still remember it as an incredible day! My parents literally have only one friend, and they act very condescendingly toward her. They have this attitude that no one is good enough for them. I don't have many friends, but we are a close-knit group and help each other out, which is wonderful. This entire concept of unrelated people helping each other, I've had to learn as an adult - my parents haven't helped anyone, to my knowledge. They just keep to themselves, and I find that inexplicable. Yet they seem content, so...

ADHD, inattentive type, also runs in our family. Not sure whether to draw any kind of conclusion from that.

Anonymous
Post 07/10/2018 19:40     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:That has not been my experience because my parents provided as much, if not more, than today’s parents. They set a high bar to follow. ?



Are you a millennial by any chance? Most of us gen Xers didn’t have that experience growing up!


OR: no, I’m not - born in 1971
Anonymous
Post 07/10/2018 13:56     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Sometimes I think it's not just rewriting history, it's that I have, as an adult, a really different understanding on something that happened when I was a child. When I was maybe 10, my parents applied to a private school (for me). I had to do the standard tests and writing and sit in on classes for a day before the admissions decision. The school ended up admitting me on the condition that I see the school therapist, noting that my writing had revealed some issues relating to my older sister's death, and that I felt I was negatively compared to her all the time. My parents told me about this and told me there was no way in hell I would go to the school, that it was outrageous the school would suggest such a thing. I believed at the time that my parents were totally right, and I was fine, and the school was crazy. It's only now as an adult/parent that I see what I missed out on, both in education and in mental health help. My parents to this day talk about the horrible people at XYZ Academy and how incompetent they were.
Anonymous
Post 07/10/2018 13:53     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
My parents were asocial and thus had no idea what normal parenting looked like. I lived a hermit's life, basically, and only socialized at school. God forbid I had a semblance of a life outside of school. I was not allowed to see my friends, go anywhere, or have any kind of activity, apart from piano, a very solitary sport. Borderline abusive.

I tried to talk to them about it once. It did not go over well.


How are you parenting nowadays?

My spouse had a similar situation but because his father had severe ADHD almost to the point of being a social liability or dangerous in public or private or parenting situations. DH is only now addressing his family of origin issues and doesn't know what to make of his parents or their relationship.


+1

I would love to know this, also. DH tells me that they never had friends to their house, except for maybe birthday parties, when they were in elementary, and that was only a couple children, mostly from the neighborhood. So sad to me, I feel like he missed out a lot. Seeing his family, you can kind of tell that something is up with the parents. My DH has a hard time addressing it, but he absolutely knows that his family is not normal. My family was the opposite, friends and family were in and out daily, a very social, outgoing house. How did you get your husband to address it?


PP here. Well we pretty much hit rock bottom after kid 2 when I realized I was doing everything and he had ADHD as well - really could not handle the multi-tasking of us both having jobs, 2 kids, a house, yard, 2 sets of elderly parents, etc.
So we had a hard look at why we were arguing and why things were slipping through the cracks. It was not pretty, but after reading about ADD Inattentive and spouses of said person things got clearer to both of us.
A few months after that his parents stayed with us to visit for a month. I had a week biz trip and he started seeing his father with new eyes. Though DH would sugarcoat it by saying, "I'm sure my Dad wasnt' that bad when he was younger". But even at their house or ours, the FIL would be doing stuff like backing the van into the grandkids, doors slamming on 2 yo, forgetting to drain the bathtub, leaving crumbs out everytime he had a snack. I don't know how his Mom or why, made it through. Other relatives don't dig in just see it as, "wow, she must be really hard up to stay in that relationship." They are not religious at all either, she must just love the Mommy/Nurse role to her needy husband.
Two weeks after they left my husband called some therapists and also pyschiatrist to get tested for ADHD.
Anonymous
Post 07/10/2018 13:44     Subject: Do families re write history re how much they helped you out/spent on you??
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:What gets me more than the rewriting of the history, is that my mom loves to tell stories consistent with her version.... versions in which I always come off kinda dumb.

I know that my son and I don't agree about how certain events transpired, and maybe he thinks I rewrote. So, I don't mention those stories in public. Ever.

No point in creating tension. Not sure why my mom does what she does, unless it is to get under my skin. I get under my kid's skin plenty, but I try my best not to.


+1

Sometimes siblings do this, especially if they are an older sibling threatened by a younger siblings' success.


This is the PP. Yeah and sometimes there may be more than one truth. I get that. The only part that really gets me is the continued need to tell the stories when I'm obviously uncomfortable. I know how it makes me feel. A time or two I've caught myself when my son has felt like the "victim of alternative truths." Each time, I just shut up and make a mental note to drop that story from those I tell. I don't do everything right as a parent, but I do try not to make my kid uncomfortable for reasons related to my own ego.


+1

Good on you, PP! Other PP here. You are aware of and correcting the issues, that is the important part. It is really hurtful behavior, on your family's part. They are wrong to do that. It is wrong for anyone in a family to talk bad about other family members in order to feel better about themselves.