Anonymous wrote:Uggh. This sounds like you are the wife on Mad Men. You created this. Get your own career, not some 20 dollar an hour job where you are living off DH's largess. Do you two want the same things out of life? It doesn't sounds like it, unless you are misrepresenting your own desires.

Nah. Right now, the DC is under the OP's constant control. DH has been shut out emotionally by his wife, and the OP is using the kid as a defensive mechanism. OP needs to unclench from her son, so that her DH and DS can have a relationship again. DH can't have a positive relationship with DS until OP unclenches.

Anonymous wrote:When Dh says he wants more free time, I think he just wants more time with his wife (or he used to -- i'm sure he doesn't now). OP has made it clear her whole schedule revolves around her son -- staying up late with him, refusing to find a babysitter, signing him up for unnecessary weekend activities. DH probably used to like spending time with his wife before having a baby. He doesn't understand why he gets home from work and the DS is still up, making his wife emotionally unavailable. Same with weekends. Same with Saturday nights. Your DH is just tired of his non-work time being a war of him on one side, and you and your DS on the other side. This is on OP to fix, not her DH.

Super projecting take. Whoa.

When Dh says he wants more free time, I think he just wants more time with his wife (or he used to -- i'm sure he doesn't now). OP has made it clear her whole schedule revolves around her son -- staying up late with him, refusing to find a babysitter, signing him up for unnecessary weekend activities. DH probably used to like spending time with his wife before having a baby. He doesn't understand why he gets home from work and the DS is still up, making his wife emotionally unavailable. Same with weekends. Same with Saturday nights. Your DH is just tired of his non-work time being a war of him on one side, and you and your DS on the other side. This is on OP to fix, not her DH.

I think you both are missing the main issue. The main issue is that your dc says he misses time with his dad. So all life’s and shedules should be tweaked to maximize dcs time with dadnso this goes away.
Bedtime does seem late but if it works it works. She sport is his free time.

Uggh. This sounds like you are the wife on Mad Men. You created this. Get your own career, not some 20 dollar an hour job where you are living off DH's largess. Do you two want the same things out of life? It doesn't sounds like it, unless you are misrepresenting your own desires.

I think there are separate issues here.

For OP, the issue of how she wants to spend her time really is in her control. She certainly can outsource more things, be less of a martyr, have more time in the evenings for other stuff--fine. what bothers her is not her time but the fact that her husband makes no concessions of his time for family--and still wants more free time.

He works 70 hours a week, spends another 6 to 8 on hobbies, travels weekly, doesn't do any household stuff (except what he wants to do) and doesn't spent much time with his kid wants more 'free time." The question is when, OP, and at what cost? Does he want "free time' that he is currently spending with child? Because it doesn't seem like there is any other free time. If so, that's terribly sad, but you can't force him to have a relationship with his son. (Well, i'm of two minds--I'm not sure you want to make it'ok' for him to never spend time with his child, but you also can't force it).

OP, you have to spell out here what it is that really is upsetting you and what it is that you think your DH is asking for. I mean, what chunks of time is he filling with non-work X that he wants to have free?

I think OP is a martyr and her DH is just done with her.

OP: You have ONE four year old who goes to morning preschool FIVE days a week. You work 15 hours a week. Your DH makes good money. You have an extremely easy schedule and life. So first, stop with the whining that you have to do ALL the work. Yes, you have a four year old around most of the time. By that age, it's not really work. It's just general oversight. But you also have mornings off, during which time I presume you can do all your work. So you make your kid lunch, do some errands or go to the park, come home and tidy and do laundry. Make dinner and put your kid to bed. This is not a taxing schedule. Boring, maybe. Taxing, no. It should absolutely not take you 14 hours a day of slaving around the house to keep this up.

You said you have lawn service, just no gardening because it's your DH's hobby.

I think you said you have a housecleaner. If you don't, hire one. And if don't get out with friends, then that's all on you! Absolutely nothing about your DH's schedule is preventing you from meeting up with other moms every single day of your life. And if I'm your DH, and wondering why the heck my essential sahw can't find a competent babysitter. What's wrong with you that you have a four year old and haven't found a single reliable sitter?

And if I'm your DH, getting home every night at 8pm, and there is a wild kid running around, and wondering why the heck my sahw doesn't have this kid on a reasonable bed schedule like every other kid in DC. And I'm peeved that every morning my wife and son are sleeping in until 8am while I'm dealing with the stress of my job.

OP: Your DH just doesn't want to spend time with you because you're a bad wife and a bad mom. Sorry.

Put your kid to bed at 8pm. Start going to bed at 11pm and wake up at a reasonable hour so you and your DC see your DH in the morning. Find regular babysitters and set up a standing Saturday night sitter. Get out with other people every afternoon and become a more interesting person than the whiney wife you currently are.

a) hire a yard service

b) have your kid go to bed earlier. Right now, you have the kid's schedule set so that you get to maximize your personal time. Not fair. And when do you spend time with your DH? I don't see how this relationship survives if your schedules are so divergent. Setting bedtime earlier will help because you can at least have a conversation now and then.

c) what time does DH get home from work when he is in town? If he can leave work at 4:30, he can miss the worst of rush hour. At home, all eat dinner as a family, then DH can go back to work while you and DC hang out. If he can't leave earlier, I knew one partner whose wife would drive into the city to pick him up with all the kids in the car. He would get into the back seat with the kids and play/talk for the hour it took to get back home. It's not the optimal solution, but sometimes desperate times call for desperate measures.

Sounds like the DH is being unreasonable and shooting down any option that would provide him with the alone time he wants. Main solution is MOVE. Trade the 2 hours of commuting for alone time at home. But DH says no way. Outsource all the yard work so he isn't doing that on the weekend but he won't.

Really, this is not a problem for OP to solve. DH needs to come up with the solution he can live with that includes some quality time with DC once a week. Let go of the picture in your mind of what a good dad looks like. He does not have to spend 1+ hrs every night playing with DC for them to have a good relationship. I grew up with a father who had a long commute, usually made it home for dinner and then worked the rest of the evening. I don't recall him ever playing with me, back then dads didn't do that. I might hang out around him on the weekends, go along on errands, help with some project in the garage, we talked at the dinner table. We have a good relationship and I think he was a good dad.

Also, work with the 4 yr old to not be a brat -- OP says DH has limited patience for playing with him because he's demanding, says mean things, etc. That's a problem.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think he's resentful and he wants more fun in his life and feels you get it, even if you don't. Try changing your schedule to meet him halfway, worse case, it doesn't work.

OP here. I think you're exactly right about this. Why does he think I get all this fun? Because I stay up late every night? I don't ever go out with my friends in the evenings (i.e. ladies night out), all the late nights/ travel nights/weekends he is working I am on Mommy Duty 24-7 with zero help. I do all the grunt work of parenting--making meals, packing lunch, doing all laundry, driving all over the place for DC's activities, appointments, etc. And I do all the grunt work of housework to keep the house running in an orderly fashion--grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, etc. Yes, I do stay up really late to get in my own personal time (from about 9 - 1 am) but that is my choice and I sacrifice on sleep to get that time for myself. DH is not willing to sacrifice sleep, working out, or his sport hobby.

You need to outsource more when DH is at work so you get alone time during the day and don't need it at night. You will find more reliable workers if you pay them and have a set schedule. You need to let go of wanting to do it all by yourself. Make the "date" coffee hour a habit 2x a week when DC is in preschool/school. Then shift your schedule to be closer to DH's- you will have to do this for school soon anyway. I agree with an 8pm bedtime. And you can go to bed earlier to be able to be up earlier. That way DH get some time after 8:00pm.

4 is old enough for your child to help DH with his weekend chores. Any child can learn how to weed the garden.

I don't understand what problem you're trying to solve. The OP's free time occurs after her child goes to sleep and after her husband goes to sleep. He resents that she stays up late and gets to spend her free time doing what she wants then. Is your solution that she should _not_ have this free time and should go to bed at 9pm when her husband does so that he will not be resentful? She is not offloading childcare or chores onto him: he goes to bed at 9pm so that he can be at work by 6am. Why should she move her schedule to align with his schedule?

Except she is off loading childcare on him, in that what makes those late nights possible is that she keeps him up late so that he’ll sleep in, and then her husband is spending hours with the kid in the evening.

She could make a different choice as far as day time childcare, or as far as her job or whatever, so she gets her fre time during the day, and then have her child sleep say 7:30 to 7:00 or something.

I am struggling with what the current household schedule is, what he would like it to be, and what you would like it to be, OP.

Can you post that?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why doesn't DH cut back his work hours and you work more in return?

OP here. That isn't practical because DH is a law firm partner and I make about $20 per hour. Just doesn't make sense. DH said he will never cut back his hours. He has been working these hours for the last 10 years.

DH is a law firm partner and you can’t afford any childcare!

How about if you put your child to bed earlier- say 7:00 so that you and DH could have a couple of hours free at the same time every evening- it doesn’t mean you have to spend it hanging out together but you might. Also, if your child goes to bed earlier, he will wake earlier amd your DH could spend a little time with him in the morning.

For a presumably smart guy, your husband is not very good at math. There are no more hours in the day.
14 hours - working / commuting
6 hours - sleeping
1 hour - showering, eating
2 hours - sport/hobby/personal time
1 hour - talk to wife and kid?

His sport / hobby time is personal time. His commute is personal time to listen to books or podcasts. If he drives he can ca friends and catch up. If he takes public transit, he can read. When he goes on overnight business trips THAT is his personal time after work and client dinners.

At 4 years old I'm not sure why you have your child doing to sporting activities on the weekends.
He needs to realize though that this is a choice he made and being a parent means you sacrifice free time you had when you didn't have kids.
I like to workout so I get up early in the morning so it's done before my family is awake. That is my free time and I enjoy it. When I'm home from work I spend my time with my family. When I have yard work I tried to involve my DCs at a young age so they could be with me, certainly took longer but it gave us more time together. Weekends I take both DCs with me to do some activity that we enjoy that DW doesn't. Being with them is what I like to do with my free time