What I hear is a man who is stuck in an unhappy relationship with his wife, resents her for the lack of sex and her perceived laziness. Instead of forcing himself to deal that head on, he’s created a little alternate fantasy universe in his mind that he uses as a tool for self-pity and regret.

OP, you have control over your life. Overcoming a dry marriage will take an enormous amount to work, but it can be done. Or you need to choose to divorce and work on finding happiness solo.

You aren’t doing anyone any good or winning any contests by continuing on in your miserable state.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The scale of your betrayal of your wife is monumental--probably beyond what you have the capacity to contemplate with your head wedged that far up your behind.

But all of this because you "can't be that divorced family"? Weak tea, OP. Get divorced. Live with some integrity.

I have more integrity that many many others out there and see if in my job every single day.

What kind of job is this? Are you a lawyer for white-collar criminals or something?

You're not "staying honorable to being married" in any way other than the external appearance. You know your wife would call bullshit on this if she knew about it--so you keep it from her. How would you feel if your child ended up married to someone like you?

Law enforcement. I see domestics everyday. Kids taken to CPS, kids watching their dad get hauled off because of restraining orders, visitation issues, you name it. No way am I putting my kids through that broken family drama. He's 12, entering middle school then high school. No way.

Reality check -- you realize that what you see on the job is not a representative sample of the consequences of divorce -- right? Many of us out there in the real world (not the COPS/TV world) got divorced, don't have any drama with our exes, share child custody in a way that is beneficial for the child, etc.

Of course, this entire thread shows that you are the KING of drama, so maybe it wouldn't be that way for you, but that would be BECAUSE of you and your need for drama.

Honestly, as a someone who was cheated on (both physically and just emotionally like you have done with your DW), I can say that it was very traumatizing when I found out. But, although the infidelity was terrible for me and the kids, the worst part was the fact that exDH also screwed me financially and doesn't take on an equal share of the parenting duties.

So, make a fair child custody and financial settlement with your wife - and by fair, I mean one that is more beneficial to her than you, because you basically screwed her out of a normal family life by marrying her and having a child with her when you knew you did not love her. That is such a gigantic and enormous deception, manipulation, theft and betrayal, that there is no way you can stay together and have a normal family life. What you are creating for your child if you stay is just a Potemkin village of marriage, and it will negatively affect the kind of relationships he has in the future.

Troll!

Terrible story teller.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP make up your mind. Did you regret marrying your wife from the first day or after you stopped being intimate?

You are either totally detached from reality or a troll.[/quote]I regret marrying her. [b]It became even harder to deal with when my wife physically (and emotionally) left the marriage the day she told me that she (not we) was pregnant. [/b]It was like a switch had been flipped. And to the other poster, if she cheats, then she cheats. I don't know if I would get divorced. If she considered me cheating I am 99% sure she would not leave, she has told me this is so many words. She has told me that marrying me has "set her up for life".[/quote]

Whoa whoa whoa. [i]She[/i] left the marriage? Dude, you were never even in the marriage to begin with. On your wedding day you envisioned someone else walking down the aisle. You spend all your emotional energy on a woman you barely know and rarely see. You've basically been having an emotional affair your entire marriage. Everybody would check out of a marriage like that, quit blaming your wife for a problem that is entirely your fault. The melodrama is over-the-top. [/quote]

NP. +1 to the PP, and in addition, OP, you need a pronoun reality check.

I am pregnant.
I am giving birth.
We have a baby.

Your wife's body belings to her and her alone. Just because she is growing a baby in there that you contributed sperm to doesn't mean, "we are pregnant." She is the only one who is pregnant. She is also the only one who gave birth. At best, if you were present, you helped HER give birth.

That you took such deep offense to her saying, "I'm pregnant," is really reflective of your narcissistic disconnection from reality.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Divorce is drama filled if the participants are drama filled. You should know this as a law enforcement officer.

+1 does it scare anyone else that OP might not be right in the head and have access to a firearm?

Please.

I discovered that I am bisexual when I was in second grade. I've always thought of her fondly as the one who woke me up. Never saw her again. Haven't missed her, either.

OP you legit sound like a narcissist and kind of scary. You’re obsessed with this woman and continue to proclaim that you haven’t heated on your wife. Cheating isn’t just sex.

I barely even remember second grade, and you’ve been obsessed with this woman since then? She probably knows and now that she’s divorced, is *finally* considering you.

Anonymous wrote:I guarantee this friend knows how you feel about her. And I guarantee that she is just not into you like that.
It's only in the movies where the person is oblivious to a decades-long crush. In real life, people are not that oblivious. If you have anything like a real relationship/friendship, she knows. Best case is that she thinks it's awkward and hope you never wreck the friendship by revealing it. Worst case is that she knows and has been using you all these years as sort of an emotional prop for herself.

I actually agree with this somewhat. I think you like her way more than she's ever liked you, you both know it, and it's ALWAYS been that way. I also think it's pretty flattering when someone very clearly adores the ground you walk on, and she is probably enjoying that attention. She also divorced and loves that she can turn to you for attention/help/affection whenever she is feeling lonely or unloved. But do I think she feels "in love with" you?? No, I really don't. I don't think her feelings for you are anything near yours for her (...nor do I think yours are rooted in reality, but that's another issue).

Have you ever talked about leaving your wife for her? What was her response?

Anonymous wrote:Time to divorce. You are that guy, it's just time you owned it.

This

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP make up your mind. Did you regret marrying your wife from the first day or after you stopped being intimate?

You are either totally detached from reality or a troll.

I regret marrying her. It became even harder to deal with when my wife physically (and emotionally) left the marriage the day she told me that she (not we) was pregnant. It was like a switch had been flipped. And to the other poster, if she cheats, then she cheats. I don't know if I would get divorced. If she considered me cheating I am 99% sure she would not leave, she has told me this is so many words. She has told me that marrying me has "set her up for life".

Whoa whoa whoa. She left the marriage? Dude, you were never even in the marriage to begin with. On your wedding day you envisioned someone else walking down the aisle. You spend all your emotional energy on a woman you barely know and rarely see. You've basically been having an emotional affair your entire marriage. Everybody would check out of a marriage like that, quit blaming your wife for a problem that is entirely your fault. The melodrama is over-the-top.

+1 million. Puh-lease.

Also, spare us your mock indignance about how she said she (not we) was pregnant. She was right.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You don't actually know this person you claim to be "the love of your life". She's a fantasy you've constructed that your wife can never live up to because she's a real, flawed person, not someone you've built up in your head.

People change a lot between school and adulthood, and a sexy encounter and some texts don't make this woman your soulmate. If you leave your wife for her, I'm betting after a decade, a kid or two, and a life of everyday drudgery, you'll be thinking you made a terrible mistake and escaping into yet another fantasy.

This. You are in love with an ideal. You don’t actually know who she is, like you would know her in a relationship or by dating.

Unfortunately this is true, but also unfortunately you will not believe anyone who tells you this. You've built her up in your head as this fantasy person, and reality (living together in a stable committed relationship, dealing with life's crap and responsibilities, year in and year out) would be disappointing. But you can't see that now, because the imagination is powerful. You're stuck in that unhealthy obsessive thriving-on-the-drama-of-heartache phase, and it doesn't seem like you're strong enough to let logic pull you out of it.

Honestly OP you have three choices:
1) you divorce your wife and ask 2nd grade girl to go for it with you. You see what happens (see above)
2) you stay with your wife, and cut off contact with dreamgirl. It sucks for a long time, and you constantly feel pulled back to her but hopefully with time it gets easier. Hopefully in time you come to the realization that you owe it to yourself and your wife to invest all that energy into your marriage; hopefully it's not too late
3) you keep doing what you're doing - you refuse to man up and make the hard decision. You just slink around being the sneaky dishonorable guy....and making yourself more and more and more miserable in the meantime. Seriously if you think this feels hard and crappy and tempting now...how is it not going to be even worse 5 years deeper?

Your call - none of them are easy. Think about where you want to be in 10 years, and act accordingly.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP make up your mind. Did you regret marrying your wife from the first day or after you stopped being intimate?

You are either totally detached from reality or a troll.

I regret marrying her. It became even harder to deal with when my wife physically (and emotionally) left the marriage the day she told me that she (not we) was pregnant. It was like a switch had been flipped. And to the other poster, if she cheats, then she cheats. I don't know if I would get divorced. If she considered me cheating I am 99% sure she would not leave, she has told me this is so many words. She has told me that marrying me has "set her up for life".

Whoa whoa whoa. She left the marriage? Dude, you were never even in the marriage to begin with. On your wedding day you envisioned someone else walking down the aisle. You spend all your emotional energy on a woman you barely know and rarely see. You've basically been having an emotional affair your entire marriage. Everybody would check out of a marriage like that, quit blaming your wife for a problem that is entirely your fault. The melodrama is over-the-top.

Ok, question. Did you guys ever date?

You met in second grade, and you had dinner and spent the night together in a hotel at one point 2 years ago. But...full in he blanks. What happened between then? Were you guys close friends? Were you in close and regular touch all through school AND through adulthood? How many times have you seen her in the past 30 years?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I believe you. But I don't understand why you never tried anything especially when you were still in school together.

I was that very shy guy. I never had the guts to tell her how I felt. She had boyfriends off and on. We did stuff together with groups of friends and I was glued to her. I was waiting for her to pick up on my cues. She had summer jobs between college semester and I got jobs at the same places to be near her. We were best friends at one point. And trust me. I kick myself every single day for not speaking up back then.

Aww, it's just like a rom-com movie!
No. No it's actually not. Honestly, OP, you sound unbalanced. You have an unhealthy obsession with this person. You sound like a stalker. Let it go. Your poor wife!