Anonymous wrote:Im with you OP - and as someone who went through this- I understand the many months out invite. This isn’t a party, this is a holiday where trafitions are built. Your MIL has had many years to establish hers, and for her-her home is the center—but thats HER tradition. You and your DH already have changed by of course, alternating years. And now, eith children of your own you are changing again.

Thanksgiving is not just a meal to be had on any day in the year so there is no equivalency in having another day if thats not what you want to do so that’s an understandable non-starter. I say you are on girm ground except I don’t like the point of how you say your place is more confortable/fun. While it may be a fact it isn’t a kindness to your IL’s - or anyone who because of their modest means or the reality of trying to be gracious but not bring set up for kids.

Keep to caring about all the family, being conscious that you can be right but also know there will be impacts to others. Your MIL can decide to keep to her traditions (and assume she will on the alternating years you’ll be at your parents.)

OP here. I would never mention the more-comfortable-for-others factor out loud to others, ever. I only mentioned that as an anonymous response to an anonymous, on-topic question: how do the other attendees feel about us hosting. Answer, they are excited about it, because the cousins love this house.

Im with you OP - and as someone who went through this- I understand the many months out invite. This isn’t a party, this is a holiday where trafitions are built. Your MIL has had many years to establish hers, and for her-her home is the center—but thats HER tradition. You and your DH already have changed by of course, alternating years. And now, eith children of your own you are changing again.

Thanksgiving is not just a meal to be had on any day in the year so there is no equivalency in having another day if thats not what you want to do so that’s an understandable non-starter. I say you are on girm ground except I don’t like the point of how you say your place is more confortable/fun. While it may be a fact it isn’t a kindness to your IL’s - or anyone who because of their modest means or the reality of trying to be gracious but not bring set up for kids.

Keep to caring about all the family, being conscious that you can be right but also know there will be impacts to others. Your MIL can decide to keep to her traditions (and assume she will on the alternating years you’ll be at your parents.)

Anonymous wrote:Maybe set up a rotation of hosting, so all those who would like to have the opportunity.

This.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like BIL's wife might want to host next year. Poor MIL, I think her days of a hosting lockdown are over.

She can still reasonably expect to host, just not EVERY holiday. Who thinks like that, especially when others have houses that are more comfortable for guests? I’m in the hosting mix in my family, but it’s just that—a mix.

Anonymous wrote:Sounds to me like BIL's wife might want to host next year. Poor MIL, I think her days of a hosting lockdown are over.

That's the whole point. Everyone gets a chance to host when they want and invite others. Or people can just do their nuclear family. OP never said that all holidays are being taken away from MIL. They just want to break her stranglehold. OP is completely reasonable.

Maybe set up a rotation of hosting, so all those who would like to have the opportunity.

Sounds to me like BIL's wife might want to host next year. Poor MIL, I think her days of a hosting lockdown are over.

OP, you & DH have your own family unit now. How you choose to celebrate holidays as a family unit is up to you. If you want to host a holiday event, host it. You need to change your thinking from "DH's family" and "your parents/family" to "OUR FAMILY." "Our Family" = You, DH + 2 kids. What does "OUR Family" want to do for the holiday season? How will WE celebrate? How will WE build memories and traditions for OUR kids? Start with that line of thinking and go from there.

Now, when you do this, you must also recognize that, at some point, your kids will have their own families, too. You organize the holiday celebrations today, but at some point it is their turn to build traditions with their own nuclear families. Be prepared to accept this with grace, just as you would like your ILs to do today.

Regarding your ILs, I can appreciate why they would not want to leave their close friends on a holiday like Thanksgiving, when those friends count on your ILs like family. So your ILs need to choose. They may choose to travel to you, or they may choose to celebrate at home with their friends. It's completely their choice and they should not lay guilt at your door. They should recognize that your time to organize your own family celebrations is long past due. In that same vein, you should not lay a guilt trip on them. After all, they have their own family unit (FIL & MIL), and they need to do what works best for them.

It took me years to put my foot down to establish our own holiday meals and traditions. It is still never easy, year-to-year. I just pray that I will remember all the hassle and hard feelings when my own kids are grown and want to do holidays their way. I pray I will have the grace to accept their decisions, because it is their time at that point.

Stand your ground. Plan a lovely celebration. Maybe involve your kids in cooking, baking, setting the table with your China. This time is fleeting and no one should begrudge you the opportunity to celebrate as you wish.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Think of how much everyone will drink to cope with this Thanksgiving dinner.

OP, I’d have let MIL have her tradition. It probably means more to her than you realize.

Too bad. She can grow up and let someone else host for once, especially if OP’s house is more comfortable and convenient for overnight guests.

You’re really empathic! But you know that.

Anonymous wrote:This doesn't seem worth the power struggle. Why not just go to the mother in laws?

And why not just go to the DILs?

This doesn't seem worth the power struggle. Why not just go to the mother in laws?

Anonymous wrote:Enjoy your warm, full house at Thanksgiving with family. If she chooses a quiet day with just friends, OK. If she feels lonely and complains about her choice, oh well!

So this.

My ILs are the same. Water always runs out after the first shower, yet they want to cram eight of us into three bedrooms with one bathroom. And if we stay for fewer than three nights or leave the house at any point (other than sanctioned activities, directed by ILs), we have to hear about it for days.

Yet, when we suggest visiting us (younger, toys for children, better/more accessible location, more space), they throw up their hands and talk about traditions. I hope I’m never that crazy when I hit 60 years old!

PPs give good advice, OP. You can invite them but you cannot make them attend. Enjoy your holiday and don’t let their drama ruin your hosting!

Anonymous wrote:I'd be very surprised if someone sent an invitation for Thanksgiving dinner in April and I probably would not want to commit myself so far ahead of time. People don't send out wedding invitations this early, and a wedding is a much bigger event than a Thanksgiving dinner.

In a lot of families, the norm is for the younger generation to gather at the home of the older generation until the older generation is past the point of being able to handle the cooking and cleaning involved.

It seems unusual to invite people to a holiday dinner so many months ahead of time. Is the rest of the family aware that this invitation was issued without checking with the usual host family first?

Other guests seem on board!

Anonymous wrote:Think of how much everyone will drink to cope with this Thanksgiving dinner.

OP, I’d have let MIL have her tradition. It probably means more to her than you realize.

Too bad. She can grow up and let someone else host for once, especially if OP’s house is more comfortable and convenient for overnight guests.