Anonymous wrote:OP here -- seems like a nearly uniform response. For those that are saying -- just tell DH, he'll understand. I don't think so.

Before we got married, we talked a LOT about how we expected married/family life to look. He (and my family; my inlaws - not that their opinions matter) was of the view -- of course a woman should work but AFTER she takes 10 years off to be with the kids. He and our families have countless examples of friends/cousins/whoever who are doing SO great bc they can balance family and still work. Reality is it's women who went to med school but are happy being weekend radiologists or picking up 1 shift at a pediatrics office or women with MBAs who left big jobs to open their own "consulting" practice which (by their admission) results in 1 gig per year netting them 20k.

I was VERY clear that that wasn't me. I intended to work and travel as I always had and had no interest in being home for any length of time besides maternity leave. I didn't deceive him about this -- we clearly talked about how if this wasn't what he wanted, we could walk away. He decided he was ok with it.

Now that we're knee deep in the little kid years, I think he does look at friends' wives etc. and thinks it'd be so great if I worked 1 day/week like them. Yet I don't feel bad that he feels put out bc let's be honest, those women aren't bringing home more than half the HHI and those families don't have the financial freedom that we have because of my job.

So no I don't think he'd say -- oh you need time away, great, no problem if you want to go away 4 times a year. I think he'd think he was being sooo generous if he said -- oh you need time away, please go take a girls weekend with your sister or bff or you have a high school reunion soon, go and stay the night in a hotel instead of taking Amtrak back that night. For me that isn't enough -- I really feel like I need 12-16 days a year in different places, not simply visiting family and bc I don't think he'll understand, I feel like I have to lie . . . .

Well, you are certainly getting the start of the imposition started nicely.

Anonymous wrote:I've "had" to stay an extra day for a legit trip, which I use to relax or sightsee. It's a little me time during or after a loaded work trip rather than rush home, or extend myself traveling at night at the end of a work trip to get home ASAP.

Full-on invent a work trip that is just a personal vacation and lie about it? No. Doing that isn't evil but I think it reflects something significant about you and/or your relationship.

Agree. I don’t travel for work anymore but on occasion I take a vacation day and I still leave for work at the same time as normal. I get breakfast out, maybe a pedicure, and go home and take a nap and watch crappy TV after everyone is gone for the day. It’s amazing.

Anonymous wrote:Let’s say he “doesn’t understand.” So what?

Why are you so conflict-averse? Say what you need or you have no chance of getting your needs met wih integrity.

He doesn’t have to understand it or be happy about it. You get to take your days your even if he doesn’t like it.

But lying about the fact that you are doing it is a totally different level—a way bigger problem than him being disapproving in the first place. That shit ain’t right.

Not in many/most marriages. Don't know about OP but in many marriages, DH thinking you shouldn't be going away or shouldn't be going away every other months and you saying "sorry I'm out anyway, doesn't matter if you don't like it" would lead to a separation and ultimately a divorce if the person did it more than 1-2x. DH could view it in any number of ways -- like she doesn't care about me/my opinion, she's not a great mom because her needs repeatedly come before the kids', I'm out.

So OP still hasn’t address the glaring problem with all the dishonesty. Or if she would be cool with this if her husband did this.

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP here -- seems like a nearly uniform response. For those that are saying -- just tell DH, he'll understand. I don't think so.

Before we got married, we talked a LOT about how we expected married/family life to look. He (and my family; my inlaws - not that their opinions matter) was of the view -- of course a woman should work but AFTER she takes 10 years off to be with the kids. He and our families have countless examples of friends/cousins/whoever who are doing SO great bc they can balance family and still work. Reality is it's women who went to med school but are happy being weekend radiologists or picking up 1 shift at a pediatrics office or women with MBAs who left big jobs to open their own "consulting" practice which (by their admission) results in 1 gig per year netting them 20k.

I was VERY clear that that wasn't me. I intended to work and travel as I always had and had no interest in being home for any length of time besides maternity leave. I didn't deceive him about this -- we clearly talked about how if this wasn't what he wanted, we could walk away. He decided he was ok with it.

Now that we're knee deep in the little kid years, I think he does look at friends' wives etc. and thinks it'd be so great if I worked 1 day/week like them. Yet I don't feel bad that he feels put out bc let's be honest, those women aren't bringing home more than half the HHI and those families don't have the financial freedom that we have because of my job.

So no I don't think he'd say -- oh you need time away, great, no problem if you want to go away 4 times a year. I think he'd think he was being sooo generous if he said -- oh you need time away, please go take a girls weekend with your sister or bff or you have a high school reunion soon, go and stay the night in a hotel instead of taking Amtrak back that night. For me that isn't enough -- I really feel like I need 12-16 days a year in different places, not simply visiting family and bc I don't think he'll understand, I feel like I have to lie . . . . [/quote]

I have no idea what being a SAHM has to do with lying to your husband about your vacations. It is a huge stretch to go from “I don’t want to quit work” to “I want vacations away from my family several times a year”.

Guess what- we all have wants that conflict with being a good spouse and parent. My husband would love to spend the weekends golfing. I’d love to spend the money we put in our kid’s 529 on things for myself. But we don’t do that, because we know our wants out temporarily on hold. That’s part of having a family. Your husband probably also has certain wants that he can’t indulge in, like, say, sleeping with other women. But he doesn’t, because that conflicts with having a healthy marriage.

[b]Your husband offering you a girls weekend away is VERY generous. Most couples can’t do that, either logistically or financially.[/b]

You sound like you have a serious case of Peter Pan syndrome. It’s time to grow up. [/quote]
Not OP, I strongly disagree that that is VERY generous, it seems pretty normal to me barring financial difficulties.

[quote=Anonymous]OP here -- seems like a nearly uniform response. For those that are saying -- just tell DH, he'll understand. I don't think so.

Before we got married, we talked a LOT about how we expected married/family life to look. He (and my family; my inlaws - not that their opinions matter) was of the view -- of course a woman should work but AFTER she takes 10 years off to be with the kids. He and our families have countless examples of friends/cousins/whoever who are doing SO great bc they can balance family and still work. Reality is it's women who went to med school but are happy being weekend radiologists or picking up 1 shift at a pediatrics office or women with MBAs who left big jobs to open their own "consulting" practice which (by their admission) results in 1 gig per year netting them 20k.

I was VERY clear that that wasn't me. I intended to work and travel as I always had and had no interest in being home for any length of time besides maternity leave. I didn't deceive him about this -- we clearly talked about how if this wasn't what he wanted, we could walk away. He decided he was ok with it.

Now that we're knee deep in the little kid years, I think he does look at friends' wives etc. and thinks it'd be so great if I worked 1 day/week like them. Yet I don't feel bad that he feels put out bc let's be honest, those women aren't bringing home more than half the HHI and those families don't have the financial freedom that we have because of my job.

So no I don't think he'd say -- oh you need time away, great, no problem if you want to go away 4 times a year. I think he'd think he was being sooo generous if he said -- oh you need time away, please go take a girls weekend with your sister or bff or you have a high school reunion soon, go and stay the night in a hotel instead of taking Amtrak back that night. For me that isn't enough -- I really feel like I need 12-16 days a year in different places, not simply visiting family and bc I don't think he'll understand, I feel like I have to lie . . . . [/quote]

I have no idea what being a SAHM has to do with lying to your husband about your vacations. It is a huge stretch to go from “I don’t want to quit work” to “I want vacations away from my family several times a year”.

Guess what- we all have wants that conflict with being a good spouse and parent. My husband would love to spend the weekends golfing. I’d love to spend the money we put in our kid’s 529 on things for myself. But we don’t do that, because we know our wants out temporarily on hold. That’s part of having a family. Your husband probably also has certain wants that he can’t indulge in, like, say, sleeping with other women. But he doesn’t, because that conflicts with having a healthy marriage.

Your husband offering you a girls weekend away is VERY generous. Most couples can’t do that, either logistically or financially.

You sound like you have a serious case of Peter Pan syndrome. It’s time to grow up.

I've "had" to stay an extra day for a legit trip, which I use to relax or sightsee. It's a little me time during or after a loaded work trip rather than rush home, or extend myself traveling at night at the end of a work trip to get home ASAP.

Full-on invent a work trip that is just a personal vacation and lie about it? No. Doing that isn't evil but I think it reflects something significant about you and/or your relationship.

Let’s say he “doesn’t understand.” So what?

Why are you so conflict-averse? Say what you need or you have no chance of getting your needs met wih integrity.

He doesn’t have to understand it or be happy about it. You get to take your days your even if he doesn’t like it.

But lying about the fact that you are doing it is a totally different level—a way bigger problem than him being disapproving in the first place. That shit ain’t right.

Does he take 12-16 days a year for personal vacation?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your inclination to be dishonest OP- some pearl clutchers and "what about the children?!" people make it sound like any woman who wants some time away a few times a year is a monster, so you feel like something is wrong with you for wanting this. Nothing is wrong with you! You just need to have more confidence in your needs and be honest about them.

Like other posters said, if I found out my spouse was doing this I would assume they were having an affair. Why put yourself in a position to look so suspicious? You don't need to come clean about the past but moving forward, I'd recommend just telling your DH what you are doing and why. Hopefully you've married a decent guy who won't try to guilt you about what you need.

The vast majority of people on this forum are not going to think OP is a monster for wanting some time away from her husband and kids. Most of us, if we’re honest, feel the same way. But the lying is a problem. Don’t try to rationalize that.

Reread the last paragraph of the OP.

It’s all just rationalizing. Even the way she framed the post made that clear.

But I said the vast majority of people on this forum, not the moms OP was hanging out with. And clearly those responding here understand the wish for time away. We just don’t think it’s good to lie about it.

Understanding why someone would lie isn't the same as supporting and endorsing it. I advised her to be honest moving forward.

I hear you. I just don’t think she’s being honest with herself, either.

That's certainly a possibility.

Let me amend that to say you were 1000% correct!

So go to therapy and figure out what you really want. Lay it all out like you did here. Maybe that will help you sort through things.

OP here -- seems like a nearly uniform response. For those that are saying -- just tell DH, he'll understand. I don't think so.

Before we got married, we talked a LOT about how we expected married/family life to look. He (and my family; my inlaws - not that their opinions matter) was of the view -- of course a woman should work but AFTER she takes 10 years off to be with the kids. He and our families have countless examples of friends/cousins/whoever who are doing SO great bc they can balance family and still work. Reality is it's women who went to med school but are happy being weekend radiologists or picking up 1 shift at a pediatrics office or women with MBAs who left big jobs to open their own "consulting" practice which (by their admission) results in 1 gig per year netting them 20k.

I was VERY clear that that wasn't me. I intended to work and travel as I always had and had no interest in being home for any length of time besides maternity leave. I didn't deceive him about this -- we clearly talked about how if this wasn't what he wanted, we could walk away. He decided he was ok with it.

Now that we're knee deep in the little kid years, I think he does look at friends' wives etc. and thinks it'd be so great if I worked 1 day/week like them. Yet I don't feel bad that he feels put out bc let's be honest, those women aren't bringing home more than half the HHI and those families don't have the financial freedom that we have because of my job.

So no I don't think he'd say -- oh you need time away, great, no problem if you want to go away 4 times a year. I think he'd think he was being sooo generous if he said -- oh you need time away, please go take a girls weekend with your sister or bff or you have a high school reunion soon, go and stay the night in a hotel instead of taking Amtrak back that night. For me that isn't enough -- I really feel like I need 12-16 days a year in different places, not simply visiting family and bc I don't think he'll understand, I feel like I have to lie . . . .

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your inclination to be dishonest OP- some pearl clutchers and "what about the children?!" people make it sound like any woman who wants some time away a few times a year is a monster, so you feel like something is wrong with you for wanting this. Nothing is wrong with you! You just need to have more confidence in your needs and be honest about them.

Like other posters said, if I found out my spouse was doing this I would assume they were having an affair. Why put yourself in a position to look so suspicious? You don't need to come clean about the past but moving forward, I'd recommend just telling your DH what you are doing and why. Hopefully you've married a decent guy who won't try to guilt you about what you need.

The vast majority of people on this forum are not going to think OP is a monster for wanting some time away from her husband and kids. Most of us, if we’re honest, feel the same way. But the lying is a problem. Don’t try to rationalize that.

Reread the last paragraph of the OP.

It’s all just rationalizing. Even the way she framed the post made that clear.

But I said the vast majority of people on this forum, not the moms OP was hanging out with. And clearly those responding here understand the wish for time away. We just don’t think it’s good to lie about it.

Understanding why someone would lie isn't the same as supporting and endorsing it. I advised her to be honest moving forward.

I hear you. I just don’t think she’s being honest with herself, either.

That's certainly a possibility.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:4 trips a year, 3-4 days at a time is 12-16 days away. 2 weeks is a LOT of time to need away from your DH and kids.

I disagree but I think if you feel the need to lie about it, that’s a problem.

I just say “I’ll be in Chicago April 9-13” and he asks if I need rides to or from the airport. When your spouse travels a lot and you don’t understand what they do for a living, there’s not many questions.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand your inclination to be dishonest OP- some pearl clutchers and "what about the children?!" people make it sound like any woman who wants some time away a few times a year is a monster, so you feel like something is wrong with you for wanting this. Nothing is wrong with you! You just need to have more confidence in your needs and be honest about them.

Like other posters said, if I found out my spouse was doing this I would assume they were having an affair. Why put yourself in a position to look so suspicious? You don't need to come clean about the past but moving forward, I'd recommend just telling your DH what you are doing and why. Hopefully you've married a decent guy who won't try to guilt you about what you need.

The vast majority of people on this forum are not going to think OP is a monster for wanting some time away from her husband and kids. Most of us, if we’re honest, feel the same way. But the lying is a problem. Don’t try to rationalize that.

Reread the last paragraph of the OP.

It’s all just rationalizing. Even the way she framed the post made that clear.

But I said the vast majority of people on this forum, not the moms OP was hanging out with. And clearly those responding here understand the wish for time away. We just don’t think it’s good to lie about it.

Understanding why someone would lie isn't the same as supporting and endorsing it. I advised her to be honest moving forward.

I hear you. I just don’t think she’s being honest with herself, either.