Anonymous wrote:OP---I think it is selfish to consider adopting a SN child without seriously thinking through the impact of that adoption on the child that you have. You are saddling your biological child with lifelong responsibility: when you are dead and gone---it is your bio child that will have to shoulder the responsibility for the SN child's care. As an over-50 adult, I have several friends whose parents have passed, leaving them responsible for their siblings with Down's. That is a significant responsibility and you are constraining your bio child's options in adulthood by setting them up with a substantial care burden once you are gone.

+1

I know two people who are going to be caring for or at the least, overseeing residential care for, their DS adult siblings. They truly love their siblings, but this post is correct in noting that it's a huge responsibility for them to be handed when their parents are gone. It affects their life choices and their spouses' choices as well (not necessarily negatively, but their spouses know the family has to live near the DS sibling etc. so no job moves, for instance).

OP, think first of the child you already have and the lifetime impact. Of course that impact has positives too, when a child learns empathy and understanding for a sibling with SN. But in your shoes I wouldn't adopt this child.

Anonymous wrote:OP---I think it is selfish to consider adopting a SN child without seriously thinking through the impact of that adoption on the child that you have. You are saddling your biological child with lifelong responsibility: when you are dead and gone---it is your bio child that will have to shoulder the responsibility for the SN child's care. As an over-50 adult, I have several friends whose parents have passed, leaving them responsible for their siblings with Down's. That is a significant responsibility and you are constraining your bio child's options in adulthood by setting them up with a substantial care burden once you are gone.

+1

I know two people who are going to be caring for or at the least, overseeing residential care for, their DS adult siblings. They truly love their siblings, but this post is correct in noting that it's a huge responsibility for them to be handed when their parents are gone. It affects their life choices and their spouses' choices as well (not necessarily negatively, but their spouses know the family has to live near the DS sibling etc. so no job moves, for instance).

OP, think first of the child you already have and the lifetime impact. Of course that impact has positives too, when a child learns empathy and understanding for a sibling with SN. But in your shoes I wouldn't adopt this child.

Anonymous wrote:OP, check out the blog “confessions of the chromosomally enhanced.” The author adopted a child with Down syndrome after growing up with a sister with Down syndrome. Also check out the writings of Dr. Brian Skotko, a doctor who is an expert on the condition.

We have a friend who adopted a daughter with DS because she grew up living with a (really lovely) aunt who had DS. She knew exactly what she was getting into, but she hasn't regretted it. She thinks the impact on her NT children has been nothing but positive; that said, she is incredibly financially secure, so resource allocation vis-a-vis other kids, emergencies, retirement, etc. just isn't much of an issue. If you are in a similar boat (and it sounds like you may be), I think you could be the best thing that ever happened to this child.

No I wouldn't adopt any child, but God bless you if you do. Its a brave commitment.

OP, check out the blog “confessions of the chromosomally enhanced.” The author adopted a child with Down syndrome after growing up with a sister with Down syndrome. Also check out the writings of Dr. Brian Skotko, a doctor who is an expert on the condition.

00:01 - that is an excellent point. A friend of mine will have to assume care for her brother when her mom passes - he has severe special needs (autism). It's going to be a lot of work. I hope the mom has some savings to pass on.

You sound like you have a lot of things going for you that would allow you to be a good parent to this baby. I would look into resources for special needs in your community and specifically Down Syndrome, and talk to lots of families raising kids with Down Syndrome to learn more about whether you think this is the right thing for you family. Best wishes!

OP---I think it is selfish to consider adopting a SN child without seriously thinking through the impact of that adoption on the child that you have. You are saddling your biological child with lifelong responsibility: when you are dead and gone---it is your bio child that will have to shoulder the responsibility for the SN child's care. As an over-50 adult, I have several friends whose parents have passed, leaving them responsible for their siblings with Down's. That is a significant responsibility and you are constraining your bio child's options in adulthood by setting them up with a substantial care burden once you are gone.

I would never encourage anyone to adopt a child with severe special needs such as DS. There are certain families who are very much called for special needs adoptions and it’s a wonderful blessing for those families and children. OP, it sounds like your original intention when going through the adoption process was a child without special needs. While it may seem intriguing and I know there must be a deep desire to have a child, I would be very cautious about going down the special needs journey.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you feel prepared to make a lifelong commitment to what could be the most severely-impacted child (meeting developmental milestones at 3 months means little; what if the child grows up to be an adult who functions at the level of an infant) then I definitely think you should do it. Someone has to and I think you really do want to.

Contact your local chapter of the Arc or the National Down Syndrome Society to learn more and start building your network. Contact a lawyer in your area through the Special Needs Alliance to think about special needs trusts, ABLE accounts, and Medicaid waiver waitlists. Really think this through. If you or your husband have misgivings now they will only fester over time. But if you truly believe this is meant to be and put all your energy (and it will often take ALL your energy) into this then I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world.

Wonderful advice.

+1. I am not OP but agree this is a great post. I personally would just jump in, believing that destiny matched me with this child for a reason (or the force, god, whatever is your particular belief).

But these are very good suggestions as to how to go about determining resources and impact, which is absolutely key for a special needs child.

Anonymous wrote:If you feel prepared to make a lifelong commitment to what could be the most severely-impacted child (meeting developmental milestones at 3 months means little; what if the child grows up to be an adult who functions at the level of an infant) then I definitely think you should do it. Someone has to and I think you really do want to.

Contact your local chapter of the Arc or the National Down Syndrome Society to learn more and start building your network. Contact a lawyer in your area through the Special Needs Alliance to think about special needs trusts, ABLE accounts, and Medicaid waiver waitlists. Really think this through. If you or your husband have misgivings now they will only fester over time. But if you truly believe this is meant to be and put all your energy (and it will often take ALL your energy) into this then I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world.

Wonderful advice.

Anonymous wrote:

No. I have a SN child already. It's a daunting amount of work, and the future is scary.

Another SN parent here and I never would either. Even a kid with moderate needs is so, so much work. You give up your life trying to get to normal.

OP, if you are willing to spend enough, you can adopt. The adoption industry is very slimy and its all about money.

We were in your situation where we were offered a child who had two birthparents with severe SN (cognitive). It was unclear if the child would have the same issues or not (other relatives did not). In the end, we were older too and decided against it as child would need life long care and if we were older, what would happen after we passed. We were concerned about having enough money for a life long trust and then how could we guarantee it be used for our child. If you can financially put away a few million, it might change my opinion.

We adopted. After our experience, we are grateful for one and would love another child but not willing to do the process as many situations have very questionable ethics and other issues. Our child has mild SN. No one knew at the time. I'd do it all over for our child if I had to but just know you are in for many many years of private therapies (you can use county but they aren't nearly as good) and it can be very costly if your insurance doesn't cover it. I spent every day, often twice a day in therapies with my child for several years. How will that impact your older child? Can you afford help (assuming yes if husband is a CEO) as that would impact my decision as well.

Do what is in your heart, just know its a lot of work, but often it is worth it. You can adopt at 40, we did but it took us many years. This probably will not be your only opportunity and baby will find a family if you turn baby down but don't rush into it thinking its your only chance. And, if it is, be grateful for your one and know you tried.

If you feel prepared to make a lifelong commitment to what could be the most severely-impacted child (meeting developmental milestones at 3 months means little; what if the child grows up to be an adult who functions at the level of an infant) then I definitely think you should do it. Someone has to and I think you really do want to.

Contact your local chapter of the Arc or the National Down Syndrome Society to learn more and start building your network. Contact a lawyer in your area through the Special Needs Alliance to think about special needs trusts, ABLE accounts, and Medicaid waiver waitlists. Really think this through. If you or your husband have misgivings now they will only fester over time. But if you truly believe this is meant to be and put all your energy (and it will often take ALL your energy) into this then I wish you and your family all the happiness in the world.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I think the reason we have been waiting so long to adopt is our ages, DH and I are both 40. I think birth mothers in general prefer younger adoptive parents.

Anyhow, I also wanted to add that one of the main reasons that I am drawn to this child is because this child is the exact same ethnicity/culture as me and my husband (which is rare to find). The thought of being able to provide this child with the exact same traditions/culture of his/her birth parents/family that he/she probably would not be able to experience with another adoptive family, really warms my heart. While we are open to a child of any race/ethnicity, when this child's situation was presented to us and I learned that he/she is of the exact same ethnicity as us, I felt like I could really provide this child with a meaningful environment to grow up in.

Also, by coincidence, this child has the exact same (traditional in our culture) name that I was planning on giving my second child, if I was ever able to have one.

Maybe it's meant to be?!?!? I'd look more into it, get more medical info about this specific child, etc.

that's dangerous magical thinking, as is OP's attachment to the culture/ethnicity of the child. It's purely a coincidence that this child has the same ethnicity. A coincidence is NOT a reason to undertake a major, life-changing responsibility. "meant to be" won't tell you if you actually have the resources.

What do you possibly mean that it's "dangerous" magical thinking? The child is not dangerous. It sounds like the OP and her husband are well positioned to care for this child--they are financially stable and she doesn't work very many hours. If they feel inclined to do it they should go for it. Feeling drawn to adopt the child because of her name and ethnicity is no different from someone deciding to name their child Iris because they like irises, or deciding it's time to have children because they were touched by the parent-child relationship in some TV show. The decision to have children (or how many to have) is largely about emotion, not rationality.

It's dangerous thinking in the context of adoption because it can "inspire" people to adopt children they are not equipped to handle. It's fine to feel some emotion, but you also ideally are extremely rational about whether you are capable of raising a child.