Anonymous
03/11/2018 10:20
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP, your STBX was emotionally abusive and financially controlling and he texted other women. When you told him you were taking the kids and moving home he sold your BMW. Remember, that’s why you left him.
OP’s mom doesn’t think OP should have left her emotionally abusive marriage. OP’s mom invited the STBX to visit the family beach house with the kids last summer, and OP has been at odds with him mom ever since.
OP has only been in Western MD for a year or so, and has struggled since she arrived. She was waitressing for awhile, and late last year, she considered working as a stripper to make ends meet.
I can see now that there was never a time in OP's life where she wasn't struggling. Horrible parents. Horrible choices one after the other because she had no loving support or guidance. Just the opposite, really. Cruel, abusive, awful people. OP, you chose poorly in everything you've done in life up until now. Today you can change that. Start making a plan. I just googled "Help For Single Mothers In MD" and came up with a lot of resources. Also, get a library card and read, "What Color Is Your Parachute" to give you good guidance for job hunting. You can probably read it online for free with your library card.
Once you give those kids up, know that your Xdh can fight for custody with his new wife (which he will inevitably have), and the judge at that point decides which parent is in the childrens' best interest. Because they're already living with him, a judge will choose him a the primary caregiver and you will get visitation. Why? Because it's in the child's best interest not to uproot them, yet again. He will have a better lawyer than you because you can't afford one. A judge will see that he can provide better. Don't let a judge make the decision about your relationship with your children that will impact the rest of your (and their) lives. You will never get these kids back.
It's time for you to stop making bad decisions and start creating the life you want for yourself and your children. You say you've tried as hard as you can up until now, but you have been reactive (leaving because he sold your BMW, moving to be near an unhelpful friend, cutting off your mother because you're mad at her, choosing pride over the security of your children) instead of being creative and strategic. Find programs for single moms to help you become creative and strategic instead of flailing around that will result in inevitable failure. It's not over -- you can do this.
My STBX sold the car after I left. Also, I am on speaking terms with my mom - no bad blood - but I am not welcome to stay with her.
Anyway, thanks for the encouragement.
Anonymous
03/11/2018 10:15
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
You need to go where the jobs are.
Your mom lives closer to a job center, right? Swallow your pride, call your mom, apologize for the way you have acted this past year, and ask if you can live with her until you get back on your feet. Sign up with a temp agency, so that you are working and have something to put on your resume.
You are also very emotional (understandably so) to the point of impulsivity and histrionics, and that might be impacting your professionalism, and your decision-making. Consider getting on some meds to even you out for the time being. A lot of us do a short course of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medicines to help us get through rough patches. You are going through three rough patches at once: divorce, financial problems, and unemployment. Plus you don’t have a support network.
You need to move forward with your divorce. You are entitled to some of the marital assets, and maybe spousal support, which should serve as a cushion to get you back on your feet.
In short:
1) Call your mom today. Suck it up and apologize.
2) Sell whatever you can to build up some cash.
3) Sign up to temp, or open an in-home daycare, or start a house cleaning business: you need income.
4) Consult with a GP about medication.
5) Find a lawyer and move things along. Call the bar association where your mom lives. My dad is retired and does some family law work pro bono through the county bar association.
Even if mom says no to number 1, go forward with the rest of the list in your current location.
Your mom lives closer to a job center, right? Swallow your pride, call your mom, apologize for the way you have acted this past year, and ask if you can live with her until you get back on your feet. Sign up with a temp agency, so that you are working and have something to put on your resume.
You are also very emotional (understandably so) to the point of impulsivity and histrionics, and that might be impacting your professionalism, and your decision-making. Consider getting on some meds to even you out for the time being. A lot of us do a short course of anti-depressants or anti-anxiety medicines to help us get through rough patches. You are going through three rough patches at once: divorce, financial problems, and unemployment. Plus you don’t have a support network.
You need to move forward with your divorce. You are entitled to some of the marital assets, and maybe spousal support, which should serve as a cushion to get you back on your feet.
In short:
1) Call your mom today. Suck it up and apologize.
2) Sell whatever you can to build up some cash.
3) Sign up to temp, or open an in-home daycare, or start a house cleaning business: you need income.
4) Consult with a GP about medication.
5) Find a lawyer and move things along. Call the bar association where your mom lives. My dad is retired and does some family law work pro bono through the county bar association.
Even if mom says no to number 1, go forward with the rest of the list in your current location.
Anonymous
03/11/2018 10:09
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Anonymous wrote:OP, your STBX was emotionally abusive and financially controlling and he texted other women. When you told him you were taking the kids and moving home he sold your BMW. Remember, that’s why you left him.
OP’s mom doesn’t think OP should have left her emotionally abusive marriage. OP’s mom invited the STBX to visit the family beach house with the kids last summer, and OP has been at odds with him mom ever since.
OP has only been in Western MD for a year or so, and has struggled since she arrived. She was waitressing for awhile, and late last year, she considered working as a stripper to make ends meet.
I can see now that there was never a time in OP's life where she wasn't struggling. Horrible parents. Horrible choices one after the other because she had no loving support or guidance. Just the opposite, really. Cruel, abusive, awful people. OP, you chose poorly in everything you've done in life up until now. Today you can change that. Start making a plan. I just googled "Help For Single Mothers In MD" and came up with a lot of resources. Also, get a library card and read, "What Color Is Your Parachute" to give you good guidance for job hunting. You can probably read it online for free with your library card.
Once you give those kids up, know that your Xdh can fight for custody with his new wife (which he will inevitably have), and the judge at that point decides which parent is in the childrens' best interest. Because they're already living with him, a judge will choose him a the primary caregiver and you will get visitation. Why? Because it's in the child's best interest not to uproot them, yet again. He will have a better lawyer than you because you can't afford one. A judge will see that he can provide better. Don't let a judge make the decision about your relationship with your children that will impact the rest of your (and their) lives. You will never get these kids back.
It's time for you to stop making bad decisions and start creating the life you want for yourself and your children. You say you've tried as hard as you can up until now, but you have been reactive (leaving because he sold your BMW, moving to be near an unhelpful friend, cutting off your mother because you're mad at her, choosing pride over the security of your children) instead of being creative and strategic. Find programs for single moms to help you become creative and strategic instead of flailing around that will result in inevitable failure. It's not over -- you can do this.
Anonymous
03/11/2018 09:02
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Anonymous wrote:OP, your STBX was emotionally abusive and financially controlling and he texted other women. When you told him you were taking the kids and moving home he sold your BMW. Remember, that’s why you left him.
OP’s mom doesn’t think OP should have left her emotionally abusive marriage. OP’s mom invited the STBX to visit the family beach house with the kids last summer, and OP has been at odds with him mom ever since.
OP has only been in Western MD for a year or so, and has struggled since she arrived. She was waitressing for awhile, and late last year, she considered working as a stripper to make ends meet.
I was a bar manager, and yes, I did consider stripping. I then worked in my field of study (marketing) but my position was eliminated.
My STBX never passes up an opportunity to prove me wrong, ridicule/insult me, and this is why I hate asking him for money above the CS order. He told me my inability to pay bills was not his problem - true, but I'm caring for our kids and hoped he would have some heart. I wasn't asking him for money until now - I was using a CC. Now that my CCs are maxed out I have few options.
I have a used laptop and printer that I'll look into selling. I will get my ring appraised this week and hopefully sell it as well. I am still trying to put rent together for this month (have been on time every month until now and my landlord is understanding, thank goodness), and also have to start paying my water bill this week or my water will be cut off.
For PPs who are ridiculing my not asking family for money. Technically, yes, I can ask, but I don't have close relationships with my family and we just don't share an ethos of togetherness. It's a "you're on your own" kind of family.
But I am doing my best, believe me, and keeping my chin up, applying for jobs every day and trying to maintain a positive, hopeful mind set. It's all I can do.
Anonymous
03/11/2018 07:36
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
OP, your STBX was emotionally abusive and financially controlling and he texted other women. When you told him you were taking the kids and moving home he sold your BMW. Remember, that’s why you left him.
OP’s mom doesn’t think OP should have left her emotionally abusive marriage. OP’s mom invited the STBX to visit the family beach house with the kids last summer, and OP has been at odds with him mom ever since.
OP has only been in Western MD for a year or so, and has struggled since she arrived. She was waitressing for awhile, and late last year, she considered working as a stripper to make ends meet.
OP’s mom doesn’t think OP should have left her emotionally abusive marriage. OP’s mom invited the STBX to visit the family beach house with the kids last summer, and OP has been at odds with him mom ever since.
OP has only been in Western MD for a year or so, and has struggled since she arrived. She was waitressing for awhile, and late last year, she considered working as a stripper to make ends meet.
Anonymous
03/11/2018 06:06
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Anonymous wrote:Can you collect unemployment?
No.
Anonymous
03/10/2018 23:13
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Anonymous wrote:Also it's BS the people here shaming her for considering sending her children to their father -- their FATHER -- not a damn orphanage. He has a responsibility to these kids he made with her and if she is struggling and can't provide for them sufficiently, why shouldn't he take on the bulk of childrearing until she is in a more financially stable situation. Women can't ever win.
+1
Anonymous
03/10/2018 21:56
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Can you collect unemployment?
Anonymous
03/10/2018 21:51
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Anonymous wrote:Also it's BS the people here shaming her for considering sending her children to their father -- their FATHER -- not a damn orphanage. He has a responsibility to these kids he made with her and if she is struggling and can't provide for them sufficiently, why shouldn't he take on the bulk of childrearing until she is in a more financially stable situation. Women can't ever win.
I don't think people are trying to shame her. They ARE trying to point out that she could lose custody permanently. That thought should be foremost in her mind, if she can possibly see a way to keep them with her.
Anonymous
03/10/2018 21:46
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Also it's BS the people here shaming her for considering sending her children to their father -- their FATHER -- not a damn orphanage. He has a responsibility to these kids he made with her and if she is struggling and can't provide for them sufficiently, why shouldn't he take on the bulk of childrearing until she is in a more financially stable situation. Women can't ever win.
Anonymous
03/10/2018 21:43
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
There are enough stingy and greedy people here on DCUM that I find it puzzling how people assume her family with money will give it to her if she asks. She likely knows her family better than we do and if she hasn't asked it's probably more than being too proud to ask.
Anonymous
03/10/2018 21:41
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
OP do what you have to do. If you think they will be cared for and loved, send them to your husband. I get it YOU can be hungry and homeless, but you don't want that for your kids. Are there grandparents anywhere who can help?
Anonymous
03/10/2018 21:39
Subject: Re:Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
OP, I think you should send the kids to their dad. It seems like that's what you want to do anyway. You seem a lot more concerned over the ring, and your pride, than you do about your children. They will probably be better off at Dads.
Or, if you actually care about your kids, you need to ask your family for help. There's no shame in going home to mom for awhile. Lots of people lean on family for help in these situations. My parents had a messy divorce and my Moms parents helped her out financially during that time. Now she is the one who takes care of her surviving parent in their old age. That's how family works.
There are a lot of things you could do other than send your kids away. If you really wanted to, you would figure it out. People have offered you lots of good suggestions in this thread.
Or, if you actually care about your kids, you need to ask your family for help. There's no shame in going home to mom for awhile. Lots of people lean on family for help in these situations. My parents had a messy divorce and my Moms parents helped her out financially during that time. Now she is the one who takes care of her surviving parent in their old age. That's how family works.
There are a lot of things you could do other than send your kids away. If you really wanted to, you would figure it out. People have offered you lots of good suggestions in this thread.
Anonymous
03/10/2018 21:31
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why are you living in different places? How far apart are you—how many hours by car?
I posted a lot last year. STBX lives overseas (fed), and I had no chance of separating while there. It's ~12 hours of travel. He's just been promoted but tentatively plans to return to the US a year after the promotion is official. I don't have that kind of time.
Are you out of your f^ucking mind? You realize you will never get your kids back if you send them to live in another country. At that point, you operate according to the country's laws where he lives. Do not do this if you love your children. If you are done with them and just not willing to admit it, that's a different thing.
+1
Anonymous
03/10/2018 21:28
Subject: Sending kids to live with their dad for a time
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:OP: I remember you posting this exact same question 6 months or maybe a year ago. I can’t help but think that single parenting is harder than you thought and you don’t actually want your kids. Is that wrong? Most people don’t seriously contemplate sending their kids away — multiple times — before they have tried asking family for money, pulling kids from expensive childcare, basically anything really... I think you need to figure out what your actual priorities are.
I fear she's trying to convince herself it's the best thing for everyone to send the kids to live with their father, rather than facing the shame of wanting relief from mothering them. She will not allow herself to admit it. But everything she's saying here points to that. I think now is the time to begin a thread about how to cope with being overwhelmed and unprepared for motherhood.
I love my children. I am overwhelmed at being in debt and having trouble finding (well-paying) work, and worried about the logistics once I do find work again. My previous job I WAH, and my boss was more task than hour oriented.
It’s not clear to me why you think you will be financially better off if you send your children away. By your own account, he currently pays your rent; he won’t pay child support if he takes care of the kids. In fact, you may be ordered to pay him support.