Anonymous
03/01/2018 13:13
Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have a job too and I pay for all of my expenses. DH pays for all the bills and rent. I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it. I buy my own shoes clothes makeup etc.
I am very disturbed by this as I am unsure I can be in a relationship where I am going to be made to feel bad for relying on my husband.
what is he talking about. You are married,right? You have co-mingled, shared bank accounts, right? Why are you arguing about who pays what bill or rent? It's all from the same pool of money.
Get this together asap.
As for MIL, she sounds like a B*tch who likes to gossip and stir up trouble. Play dumb and ask her what she is talking about? Make some jokes. Make her head spin. Then make sure your husband isn't talking about your behind your back with her, or her with him. Yuck. I hope she's not local.
How "young" is he even? WTH was that comment coming from? sounds like she was against the marriage and just won't quit with the wannabe jabs. Yuck.
OP here.
Of course all of it is "our" money. I mean to say income from DH's job vs income from mine. The way it works for us is to primarily have his income cover our living expenses and saving/investing mine in addition to "fun money." Since his income goes towards large living expenses little purchases like makeup, haircuts, I do out of income from my job.
It is HIS mother who thinks of it in her sons money vs my money. It is deeply hurtful, offensive and rude.
She also told me, btw, that when we have children I should really consider keeping my job as having her son as our sole provider will be too much stress for him.
FWIW, We're both 30.
Do you really not get that your husband is complaining about your arrangement to his mother? Instead of being deeply hurt - try talking to your husband about how he really feels.
Anonymous
03/01/2018 12:51
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:MILs need to take their fear to therapy and butt out.
This is the attitude that inspires hostility between MILs and DILs.
Anonymous
03/01/2018 12:32
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
MILs need to take their fear to therapy and butt out.
Anonymous
03/01/2018 10:10
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
I am giving you this perspective as an older parent, although I know you'll have difficulty understanding this.
As a mother of a son, your main fear is that someone will take advantage of him. As a mother of a daughter, your main fear is that someone will hurt her. This doesn't ever go away no matter how old the children are.
MIL was wrong to talk to you about this. This is something for her to explore with her son.
But you need to know what feelings are driving her remarks. From her perspective, you are taking advantage of her son. She sides with her son because he is her child and will never stop being her child (so please don't ever expect her to give your side equal value). This will go away eventually if your marriage endures and she sees that her child is happy with you. But in the beginning of a marriage, that's what most MILs feel.
As a mother of a son, your main fear is that someone will take advantage of him. As a mother of a daughter, your main fear is that someone will hurt her. This doesn't ever go away no matter how old the children are.
MIL was wrong to talk to you about this. This is something for her to explore with her son.
But you need to know what feelings are driving her remarks. From her perspective, you are taking advantage of her son. She sides with her son because he is her child and will never stop being her child (so please don't ever expect her to give your side equal value). This will go away eventually if your marriage endures and she sees that her child is happy with you. But in the beginning of a marriage, that's what most MILs feel.
Anonymous
03/01/2018 09:55
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:You are able to save for your 401k because your husband is covering the rent, which is surely much more than car insurance. Who pays for utilities and entertainment? Why does this seem fair to you? (Of course, depending where you live, that 401k is a marital asset so he gets part of it if you split up.) Even with student loans, he could start a 491k if you paid some rent.
My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.
WTF? Havent you heard of living on one income/saving the other?
Anonymous
03/01/2018 09:54
Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have a job too and I pay for all of my expenses. DH pays for all the bills and rent. I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it. I buy my own shoes clothes makeup etc.
I am very disturbed by this as I am unsure I can be in a relationship where I am going to be made to feel bad for relying on my husband.
what is he talking about. You are married,right? You have co-mingled, shared bank accounts, right? Why are you arguing about who pays what bill or rent? It's all from the same pool of money.
Get this together asap.
As for MIL, she sounds like a B*tch who likes to gossip and stir up trouble. Play dumb and ask her what she is talking about? Make some jokes. Make her head spin. Then make sure your husband isn't talking about your behind your back with her, or her with him. Yuck. I hope she's not local.
How "young" is he even? WTH was that comment coming from? sounds like she was against the marriage and just won't quit with the wannabe jabs. Yuck.
OP here.
Of course all of it is "our" money. I mean to say income from DH's job vs income from mine. The way it works for us is to primarily have his income cover our living expenses and saving/investing mine in addition to "fun money." Since his income goes towards large living expenses little purchases like makeup, haircuts, I do out of income from my job.
It is HIS mother who thinks of it in her sons money vs my money. It is deeply hurtful, offensive and rude.
She also told me, btw, that when we have children I should really consider keeping my job as having her son as our sole provider will be too much stress for him.
FWIW, We're both 30.
Anonymous
03/01/2018 07:55
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
*butting not burying
Anonymous
03/01/2018 07:54
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
You are able to save for your 401k because your husband is covering the rent, which is surely much more than car insurance. Who pays for utilities and entertainment? Why does this seem fair to you? (Of course, depending where you live, that 401k is a marital asset so he gets part of it if you split up.) Even with student loans, he could start a 491k if you paid some rent.
My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.
My guess is you complain about his mother and she complains about you, and he feels caught in the middle. There are two separate issues here: his mother and your finances. I don’t know how old you are, but you could stick up for yourself with his mother, subtly find out whether this is coming from her or from him, and decide that her opinion is not part of your relationship with your husband. In future you can decide whether to (1) hear her out, not get upset, and delete it from your mind or (2) stop her from giving her unsolicited opinion and burying into your marriage. We don’t know your MIL or your marriage, so we don’t know if she’s a busybody or if she sees her son in a bad situation and felt she had to speak up for him out of desperation.
Anonymous
03/01/2018 07:38
Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:What do you mean "chip in?'
You split expenses like roomates?
Why? What else is going on here that you are not sharing?
That makes sense, if he earns more than her. She can’t afford to pay the big bills so manages her own expenses and her DH pays bills with his earnings, which he obviously perceived as “their” money.
Anonymous
03/01/2018 00:03
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
you need to sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband and encourage him to truly share his thoughts, worries, etc.
you both have jobs. you should be paying part of the housing cost. it's not right that he is paying all the rent and only you get to contribute to your 401k. it should be more balanced.
Honestly, if you both have jobs and you cant afford part of the rent, I think you may need to downsize to a 1BR apartment for a while until you both make more money and he pays off more of his student loans.
To make a marriage work, you and your husband have to be completely honest and comfortable with each other. Life gets harder and more expensive if you have kids someday. You need to be on the same page.
-20 year married wife
you both have jobs. you should be paying part of the housing cost. it's not right that he is paying all the rent and only you get to contribute to your 401k. it should be more balanced.
Honestly, if you both have jobs and you cant afford part of the rent, I think you may need to downsize to a 1BR apartment for a while until you both make more money and he pays off more of his student loans.
To make a marriage work, you and your husband have to be completely honest and comfortable with each other. Life gets harder and more expensive if you have kids someday. You need to be on the same page.
-20 year married wife
Anonymous
02/28/2018 21:12
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
You’re married. Time to sit down and work out your family budget. Sounds pretty equitable to me I’d you’re the only one saving for retirement and you contribute to costs like groceries, gas and pick up the insurance fully. Once you get it down all on paper you might discover that you’re pretty equal. I have to wonder if you’re husband blew up at you because he lamented to his mom about feeling stressed as the primary breadwinner and she took that and ran with it so he’s feeling a little busted and defensive in response.
Anonymous
02/28/2018 20:59
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
How do we know OP's husband is upset with the money or whatever? First have that convo with him.
Later bring up his meddling mother and if he did gossip/complain about you to her.
If he's telling you not to pay the bills and then gets angry about it to his mother, time to grow up and communicate. BFD. it's all the same household's money.
Later bring up his meddling mother and if he did gossip/complain about you to her.
If he's telling you not to pay the bills and then gets angry about it to his mother, time to grow up and communicate. BFD. it's all the same household's money.
Anonymous
02/28/2018 20:57
Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:OP here.
I work as a marketing manager and make a decent salary and am planning to go get a graduate degree. I have paid for everything on my own since we started dating except that my DH would buy me dinner.
In our marriage, since he earns more, he pays for rent and groceries. I buy groceries every few weeks too and pay for gas for the car. I also contribute half to our car payment and pay all of our car insurance.
I am the only one contributing to our savings and am saving aggressively for my 401K. DH doesn't have one yet as he is paying off his school loans.
I do not see how MIL perceives me as being lazy and a moocher.
And God forbid I want to stay home and have to rely on my husband. HOW is that a problem?
I told my DH what his mother said he he blew up at me saying he cannot control his mother and she is her own person and it makes no sense for me to complain to him about her behavior.
I feel dejected and alone. I feel like my personal boundaries are being invaded and no one is helping.
Absolutely no need for him to blow up and get angry with you upon hearing about his mother's comments.
Did he offer his OPINION on his mother's BS comments? Or is he trying to please everyone here when Ma is clearly off the turnip truck and rude.?
Anonymous
02/28/2018 20:52
Subject: Re:MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
Anonymous wrote:Op here. I have a job too and I pay for all of my expenses. DH pays for all the bills and rent. I do not earn as much as him and I have offered to pitch in multiple times but he says no he’s got it. I buy my own shoes clothes makeup etc.
I am very disturbed by this as I am unsure I can be in a relationship where I am going to be made to feel bad for relying on my husband.
what is he talking about. You are married,right? You have co-mingled, shared bank accounts, right? Why are you arguing about who pays what bill or rent? It's all from the same pool of money.
Get this together asap.
As for MIL, she sounds like a B*tch who likes to gossip and stir up trouble. Play dumb and ask her what she is talking about? Make some jokes. Make her head spin. Then make sure your husband isn't talking about your behind your back with her, or her with him. Yuck. I hope she's not local.
How "young" is he even? WTH was that comment coming from? sounds like she was against the marriage and just won't quit with the wannabe jabs. Yuck.
Anonymous
02/28/2018 20:49
Subject: MIL pulls me aside and tells me I am burdening her son
This sounds like a marriage that needs to end before kids are brought into the picture. No one gets to yell at you when you're trying to clarifying information you were given regarding that persons unhappiness. He sounds very immature. Get out while it's still easy.