Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what point are you allowed to snoop on your spouse? A confirmed/confessed affair? Suspected affair? As a preventative measure?

Do you do these “spot checks” secretly or with your spouse knowing?

When there are changes in behavior, time gaps, or other red flags. Keep it to yourself. If you find the spouse cheating immediately go to your lawyer and put yourself in the best situation possible.

Personally, I never snooped on my ex-husband until I accidentally stumbled across proof that he had lied to me about something serious. Once he lied to me, then, I felt free to snoop everywhere secretly. And, boy, was that an eye-opener! I found out that my spouse had been lying to me about tons of stuff, including numerous sexual relationships with a variety of women since at least when I was pregnant with our first child. Had I never snooped I would never have suspected. And, I never would have been able to protect myself. It was bad enough to end the relationship a mere 5 years and 2 kids after he proposed to me, but I can't imagine how much damage he would have done to me if I had stayed! Thank goodness I snooped!!!! I will never feel bad about that or regret that because I gave him my complete trust until the first lie.

Trust is a two way street; one person gives it but the other person also has to earn it. You are no longer entitled to my trust when you have demonstrated that you lie.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what point are you allowed to snoop on your spouse? A confirmed/confessed affair? Suspected affair? As a preventative measure?

Do you do these “spot checks” secretly or with your spouse knowing?

When there are changes in behavior, time gaps, or other red flags. Keep it to yourself. If you find the spouse cheating immediately go to your lawyer and put yourself in the best situation possible.

Personally, I never snooped on my ex-husband until I accidentally stumbled across proof that he had lied to me about something serious. Once he lied to me, then, I felt free to snoop everywhere secretly. And, boy, was that an eye-opener! I found out that my spouse had been lying to me about tons of stuff, including numerous sexual relationships with a variety of women since at least when I was pregnant with our first child. Had I never snooped I would never have suspected. And, I never would have been able to protect myself. It was bad enough to end the relationship a mere 5 years and 2 kids after he proposed to me, but I can't imagine how much damage he would have done to me if I had stayed! Thank goodness I snooped!!!! I will never feel bad about that or regret that because I gave him my complete trust until the first lie.

Trust is a two way street; one person gives it but the other person also has to earn it. You are no longer entitled to my trust when you have demonstrated that you lie.

Anonymous wrote:I had certain suspicions (leaving the room to check frequent texts, was one) and ultimately my ability to play into my wife's guilty feelings, “tells” and evangelical religious background got her to confess. She tried every trick in the book prior to confessing—indignation, laughter, and look me in the eye lying.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what point are you allowed to snoop on your spouse? A confirmed/confessed affair? Suspected affair? As a preventative measure?

Do you do these “spot checks” secretly or with your spouse knowing?

When there are changes in behavior, time gaps, or other red flags. Keep it to yourself. If you find the spouse cheating immediately go to your lawyer and put yourself in the best situation possible.

Anonymous wrote:Many 'affairs' such as the OP described flame out. Attractions are normal. There are times when you meet someone that just takes over your thoughts etc. and you find them physically attractive or there is an emotional connection. It happens. And yes there are times when it gets physically intimate. Doesn't mean your marriage is over or that your marriage is a mirage.

I do believe that ignorance can be the best thing at times. I know of a marriage that ended unnecessarily because the husband was obsessed with knowing everything and electronically stalked his wife. She had an attraction emotionally and physically to another man but she also had no intention of ending her marriage nor did she want to. She loved her husband and family and struggled with the attraction she felt. The problem is that he couldn't possibly know the context within the content nor could he know the true degree. And he didn't trust her when she openly talked with him about it because he was filled in conclusions based on his 'surveillance' of her.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At what point are you allowed to snoop on your spouse? A confirmed/confessed affair? Suspected affair? As a preventative measure?

Do you do these “spot checks” secretly or with your spouse knowing?

When there are changes in behavior, time gaps, or other red flags. Keep it to yourself. If you find the spouse cheating immediately go to your lawyer and put yourself in the best situation possible.

Anonymous wrote:Tips? Here’s one. Does she hop in the shower right after coming home from a “girls night out” at 4 am?

Anonymous wrote:At what point are you allowed to snoop on your spouse? A confirmed/confessed affair? Suspected affair? As a preventative measure?

Do you do these “spot checks” secretly or with your spouse knowing?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex-SIL did the weekly “audit” thing on my brother for eight years after he cheated. The anxiety and hyper-awareness meant she could never enjoy anything, and frankly, it wasn’t flattering to her: she looked really abusive, and we felt bad for him.

She finally realized that she was never going to get over his cheating, and kicked him out, but I think they both wish they had just split when the cheating occurred.

There was only one person to blame. The person who chose to cheat, not the victim.

I would have continued to check up on him but where he wouldn't know. Once someone cheats it's pretty much over, BUT many women have to stay because of finances and the kids. It's not like you really like the cheater after that.

“Have” to stay because of finances and kids? No. The cheated upon can get a job and split custody.

If you can’t forgive, then leave. Likewise, if you can’t keep your private parts in your pants, leave. Don’t blame your kids for your dysfunctional marriage.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have any pointers to help men that think that their wives are cheating? Years ago, my wife had an emotional affair and I made some mistakes because I was so hurt. I haven't really healed from it because, in part, I think that she's still lying about parts of it. I was too quick to show her evidence I found whenever I found something new. This allowed her to make additional ways to contact the guy. If I just had let the communications to continue longer without exposing her, I could have had a better picture about what she was saying about me. I wasn't patience enough and it just became a game.

We are still together, but we have a lot more at stake -like kids. I completely think that audits are a good thing. Once a quarter, do those things you would do to find a cheater. However, don't advertise it. You will probably catch the person off guard because they aren't aware about what you are doing. I also just assume that cheating is one way for her to deal with stress. Cheaters will make things up to justify their actions. They will build a case inside their heads and blame you for being the terrible person. You will read a lot about sexless marriages, and it's mostly just the top excuse. She is just refusing to have it -trust me. She will always move the goalposts when it comes to expectations.

These are just things I found to be helpful. If anyone has anything to add that would be great.

It sounds like she cheated to begin with and you took her back. Cheating is cheating, it's not black or grey.

People on this board that think it's normal, ok etc. are living dysfunctional lives. The cheater is the only person to blame no matter what the other spouse did or didn't do. Everyone is responsible for their behavior.

I would definitely spot check someone that cheated on me. When you are good enough to give them 1 more chance they shouldn't blow it, and make changes to be a positive role model for their spouse and kids.

I agree with spot checking, but I would go further and be open about my right to do so. An unfaithful partner who won't agree to give you unfettered access to all accounts, communications, phone, etc., forever, is a partner who simply isn't ready to even try to be faithful.

For those of you who say that is no way to live, I agree. but, neither is it any way to live for the perpetrator to continue to be able to keep secrets and for the victim to continue to make decisions without all available info.

Once a spouse has an affair, the victim spouse has only a range of bad choices. Since they are the victim, they get to choose - ewhat do they need to recover?

If you have joint accounts that's one thing, but that spouse's separate things I don't agree with. By doing that you're putting yourself in the position of a parent and child. It would be much smarter to not harass your spouse, but check on them from time to time. My friend had her spouse followed by another friend after work, found out he was going to this woman's house. That's the best way instead of sneaking into their phone etc. Do a visual spot check.

Yes, but most women do not want to admit to their friends, or family that their spouses are cheating. It is very embarrassing. Many people cheat while on travel too, so that is very difficult.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have any pointers to help men that think that their wives are cheating? Years ago, my wife had an emotional affair and I made some mistakes because I was so hurt. I haven't really healed from it because, in part, I think that she's still lying about parts of it. I was too quick to show her evidence I found whenever I found something new. This allowed her to make additional ways to contact the guy. If I just had let the communications to continue longer without exposing her, I could have had a better picture about what she was saying about me. I wasn't patience enough and it just became a game.

We are still together, but we have a lot more at stake -like kids. I completely think that audits are a good thing. Once a quarter, do those things you would do to find a cheater. However, don't advertise it. You will probably catch the person off guard because they aren't aware about what you are doing. I also just assume that cheating is one way for her to deal with stress. Cheaters will make things up to justify their actions. They will build a case inside their heads and blame you for being the terrible person. You will read a lot about sexless marriages, and it's mostly just the top excuse. She is just refusing to have it -trust me. She will always move the goalposts when it comes to expectations.

These are just things I found to be helpful. If anyone has anything to add that would be great.

It sounds like she cheated to begin with and you took her back. Cheating is cheating, it's not black or grey.

People on this board that think it's normal, ok etc. are living dysfunctional lives. The cheater is the only person to blame no matter what the other spouse did or didn't do. Everyone is responsible for their behavior.

I would definitely spot check someone that cheated on me. When you are good enough to give them 1 more chance they shouldn't blow it, and make changes to be a positive role model for their spouse and kids.

I agree with spot checking, but I would go further and be open about my right to do so. An unfaithful partner who won't agree to give you unfettered access to all accounts, communications, phone, etc., forever, is a partner who simply isn't ready to even try to be faithful.

For those of you who say that is no way to live, I agree. but, neither is it any way to live for the perpetrator to continue to be able to keep secrets and for the victim to continue to make decisions without all available info.

Once a spouse has an affair, the victim spouse has only a range of bad choices. Since they are the victim, they get to choose - ewhat do they need to recover?

If you have joint accounts that's one thing, but that spouse's separate things I don't agree with. By doing that you're putting yourself in the position of a parent and child. It would be much smarter to not harass your spouse, but check on them from time to time. My friend had her spouse followed by another friend after work, found out he was going to this woman's house. That's the best way instead of sneaking into their phone etc. Do a visual spot check.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone have any pointers to help men that think that their wives are cheating? Years ago, my wife had an emotional affair and I made some mistakes because I was so hurt. I haven't really healed from it because, in part, I think that she's still lying about parts of it. I was too quick to show her evidence I found whenever I found something new. This allowed her to make additional ways to contact the guy. If I just had let the communications to continue longer without exposing her, I could have had a better picture about what she was saying about me. I wasn't patience enough and it just became a game.

We are still together, but we have a lot more at stake -like kids. I completely think that audits are a good thing. Once a quarter, do those things you would do to find a cheater. However, don't advertise it. You will probably catch the person off guard because they aren't aware about what you are doing. I also just assume that cheating is one way for her to deal with stress. Cheaters will make things up to justify their actions. They will build a case inside their heads and blame you for being the terrible person. You will read a lot about sexless marriages, and it's mostly just the top excuse. She is just refusing to have it -trust me. She will always move the goalposts when it comes to expectations.

These are just things I found to be helpful. If anyone has anything to add that would be great.

It sounds like she cheated to begin with and you took her back. Cheating is cheating, it's not black or grey.

People on this board that think it's normal, ok etc. are living dysfunctional lives. The cheater is the only person to blame no matter what the other spouse did or didn't do. Everyone is responsible for their behavior.

I would definitely spot check someone that cheated on me. When you are good enough to give them 1 more chance they shouldn't blow it, and make changes to be a positive role model for their spouse and kids.

I agree with spot checking, but I would go further and be open about my right to do so. An unfaithful partner who won't agree to give you unfettered access to all accounts, communications, phone, etc., forever, is a partner who simply isn't ready to even try to be faithful.

For those of you who say that is no way to live, I agree. but, neither is it any way to live for the perpetrator to continue to be able to keep secrets and for the victim to continue to make decisions without all available info.

Once a spouse has an affair, the victim spouse has only a range of bad choices. Since they are the victim, they get to choose - ewhat do they need to recover?