Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 15:04     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:My husbands ex would be only because she gets a life long portion of his military retirement and it is her only income. She loses it upon his death. He could not care less and hopes never to see or talk to her again.


To be eligible for a portion of his military retirement pay, they would have had to have been married for a minimum of 20 years, of which 20 years had to coincide with his military service. That's a long marriage- and if there are kids, deployments and frequent moves make life much more complicated than it is for the average civilian family that stays in one place. In addition, it has historically been difficult for spouses to grow and maintain careers with the frequent required moves, especially during the years when this marriage must have occurred.

Did you marry your husband after he retired from active duty service? If so, you really haven't experienced what it's like to be a young military spouse all alone with kids for long periods of time with no way to set up a decent career for yourself. It can't hurt to have kinder thoughts toward your husband's ex, who put up with the tough early years of his career.

(Also, I'm very surprised that their divorce agreement did not require him to set up his retirement pay so that she would continue to get a portion after his death, or be a beneficiary of life insurance.)


Sounds like she got more than she should for just 9 years!!

If I were her I would move to another state and leave them all behind. Sounds like her DH isn't too crazy about them either, and there are valid reasons.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 14:53     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
Anonymous wrote:My husbands ex would be only because she gets a life long portion of his military retirement and it is her only income. She loses it upon his death. He could not care less and hopes never to see or talk to her again.


To be eligible for a portion of his military retirement pay, they would have had to have been married for a minimum of 20 years, of which 20 years had to coincide with his military service. That's a long marriage- and if there are kids, deployments and frequent moves make life much more complicated than it is for the average civilian family that stays in one place. In addition, it has historically been difficult for spouses to grow and maintain careers with the frequent required moves, especially during the years when this marriage must have occurred.

Did you marry your husband after he retired from active duty service? If so, you really haven't experienced what it's like to be a young military spouse all alone with kids for long periods of time with no way to set up a decent career for yourself. It can't hurt to have kinder thoughts toward your husband's ex, who put up with the tough early years of his career.

(Also, I'm very surprised that their divorce agreement did not require him to set up his retirement pay so that she would continue to get a portion after his death, or be a beneficiary of life insurance.)
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 14:49     Subject: Re:Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
Kids or no kids I would be indifferent. More often than not it's best to send a card if you're a ex. Especially if they re-married.

If something happened to my spouse we will have a private family funeral. No exes will be invited.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 14:49     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you cry? Attend his funeral? Be sad? What are one's moral obligations under such circumstances? (And I understand circumstaces have a lot to do with it, but I'm curious to know).


No. If we had kids the kids would have to attend with other family members as it's not appropriate for exes to show up at those events. Unless the new spouse invites them. Or he was single and the family lets the spouse know they are welcome. Otherwise, that's about it.


My husband's ex and kids are horrible to him. I wouldn't tell them. They'd only know when her retirement check from him stops and she'll be up a creek as its her only income.


What the heck? Why does his ex get his retirement check? Usually they divide that at the time of the divorce. Called a QDRO I believe. Now you're his beneficiary so it would go to you once he died.

There are many estranged families because of divorce. You're under no obligation to notify a ex. I wouldn't.


They were married 9 years and he was in the military. Its gross as they were divorced before they were 30. She got 30 or 40% of his military retirement based off of the 20 years, not even the 9 they were married. He got screwed big time. When he dies, her money stops. I will only get it because he took out the annuity for me. If he didn't take out the annuity I wouldn't get it (and our kids).


(I'd rather him be alive and her get the money given the choice but I could careless if she died and wouldn't help at all with funeral, which wouldn't surprise me if they expected us to pay).
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 14:48     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you cry? Attend his funeral? Be sad? What are one's moral obligations under such circumstances? (And I understand circumstaces have a lot to do with it, but I'm curious to know).


No. If we had kids the kids would have to attend with other family members as it's not appropriate for exes to show up at those events. Unless the new spouse invites them. Or he was single and the family lets the spouse know they are welcome. Otherwise, that's about it.


My husband's ex and kids are horrible to him. I wouldn't tell them. They'd only know when her retirement check from him stops and she'll be up a creek as its her only income.


What the heck? Why does his ex get his retirement check? Usually they divide that at the time of the divorce. Called a QDRO I believe. Now you're his beneficiary so it would go to you once he died.

There are many estranged families because of divorce. You're under no obligation to notify a ex. I wouldn't.


They were married 9 years and he was in the military. Its gross as they were divorced before they were 30. She got 30 or 40% of his military retirement based off of the 20 years, not even the 9 they were married. He got screwed big time. When he dies, her money stops. I will only get it because he took out the annuity for me. If he didn't take out the annuity I wouldn't get it (and our kids).
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 14:44     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
No, no, no.

We have no kids, so no reason to attend anything.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 14:37     Subject: Re:Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
This happened to a friend recently. She was more relieved than sad. Her ex died of liver failure relating to alcoholism (and he had other substance abuse issues). We are 50, so he was relatively young still, and their kids were in high school. Because of his alcohol issues he had been a pretty unreliable dad - great when he was sober but totally absent when he wasn't. And he'd moved away for work - had lost several jobs along the way. She did not go to the funeral because some of his family members were pissed at her for divorcing him.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 14:27     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
I think my mom would be very sad probably cry and almost definitely attend the funeral. They had an acrimonious divorce and haven't been close through all the years but he's been a good dad and they have a long and complicated history, lots of emotion there.

I think most people would feel more than they think simply because you underestimate how much emotional stuff you can hold on to.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 14:13     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you cry? Attend his funeral? Be sad? What are one's moral obligations under such circumstances? (And I understand circumstaces have a lot to do with it, but I'm curious to know).


No. If we had kids the kids would have to attend with other family members as it's not appropriate for exes to show up at those events. Unless the new spouse invites them. Or he was single and the family lets the spouse know they are welcome. Otherwise, that's about it.


My husband's ex and kids are horrible to him. I wouldn't tell them. They'd only know when her retirement check from him stops and she'll be up a creek as its her only income.


What the heck? Why does his ex get his retirement check? Usually they divide that at the time of the divorce. Called a QDRO I believe. Now you're his beneficiary so it would go to you once he died.

There are many estranged families because of divorce. You're under no obligation to notify a ex. I wouldn't.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 13:59     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
Anonymous wrote:It depends, OP. If the ex was a decent fellow, and we parted on good terms, I would of course be sad. If we had children, I'd be even sadder for them.

If we didn't have children, and the ex would remarry, I doubt I'd attend the funeral.


Thank you for your completely hypothetical response. So helpful.
Anonymous
Post 02/02/2018 07:01     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
It depends, OP. If the ex was a decent fellow, and we parted on good terms, I would of course be sad. If we had children, I'd be even sadder for them.

If we didn't have children, and the ex would remarry, I doubt I'd attend the funeral.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2018 23:29     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
Good grief, there are some flat out awful people posting in this thread. How do you sleep at night?
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2018 21:59     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Would you cry? Attend his funeral? Be sad? What are one's moral obligations under such circumstances? (And I understand circumstaces have a lot to do with it, but I'm curious to know).


No. If we had kids the kids would have to attend with other family members as it's not appropriate for exes to show up at those events. Unless the new spouse invites them. Or he was single and the family lets the spouse know they are welcome. Otherwise, that's about it.


My husband's ex and kids are horrible to him. I wouldn't tell them. They'd only know when her retirement check from him stops and she'll be up a creek as its her only income.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2018 21:42     Subject: Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
This reminds me of when Sonny Bono died and (then) Chastity Bono called her mom Cher and by the end of the convo, Chastity was comforting her mom. I remember Cher did the eulogy. Good for them.

I would be sad if my Ex died but I think it would be a good thing for children.
Anonymous
Post 02/01/2018 15:42     Subject: Re:Would You Be Sad If You Ex-husband Died?
One of my friends got really mad at her husband because he went to his ex wife's funeral. She caused problems on and off throughout their marriage because of their grown kids. If you are remarried time to move on. In most cases a ex should skip the funeral imo.