Anonymous
02/05/2018 02:12
Subject: Close to sexless marriage
The classic best selling book “His Needs, Her Needs” identifies men’s #1 relationship need as ... wait for it ... sexual fulfillment. So I’d call that a keystone, not just a response to deprivation. Any lady who has trouble believing this, I’d suggest you read the book.
Anonymous
02/04/2018 22:57
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
True, but it's the keystone in the arch. Remove it, and all the "other stuff" is inevitably going to collapse.
I believe that whatever people perceive as being the “keystone” is generally what they are deprived of in the relationship. I once had a bf with zero interest in sex, so I became obsessed with sex and thought it was the keystone. Now I’m in a marriage with a man who loves sex but is generally a grump, remains distant, and is unkind towards me. So now what I perceive as the keystone is something like “emotional intimacy” or “feeling loved”, because it’s what I’m not getting. I’m sure most men would still feel deprived if they had a partner who had sex with them daily, but perhaps treated them with disrespect, nagged, or talked down to them. Then something like “respect” would be their keystone.
Anonymous
02/04/2018 22:32
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
There can be so many reasons for this. Depression medications. Unspoken resentments. Misunderstanding about expectations and what your real needs are. This is a serious issue though and merits a serious conversation and if that doesn't work serious counseling.
Anonymous
02/03/2018 10:09
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
Your logic is completely flawed. First of all, a sexless marriage is already "dead" so there is nothing more that you could do to further kill an already dead marriage. You are just room mates. Second, if you are married to somebody who doesn't think sex is important (because they aren't having any), why would that person suddenly think sex (as in non-monogamy) is SOOO important to end the marriage? And why would you want to stay with such an absurd hypocrite? Your advice to stay (and do what, remain celibate?) is terrible!
Newsflash: I have kids. They are way more important than frequent sex. This is not that uncommon.
Newsflash: your kids have nothing to do with your sex life. They will still be your kids, and you will be a better/happier parent to them, meanwhile getting your normal sexual needs met outside the marriage.
Anonymous
02/03/2018 10:05
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
True, but it's the keystone in the arch. Remove it, and all the "other stuff" is inevitably going to collapse.
Sorry, I disagree. It was like that with past boyfriends, which seems really shallow. I take the long view of marriage. I don’t rate sex as high enough to be “the keystone of the arch.” Part of the arch maybe, but not the key thing. That was the problem with every relationship I had before marriage. And obviously, I did marry those guys. Sex was rated so highly it trumped other things.
If you DH genuinely agrees that sex is not critically important, then I guess you're good. But I doubt it.
Any partner who believes that sex is not critically important has no right to complain when their spouse goes and does that unimportant thing with somebody else.
Anonymous
02/03/2018 09:11
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
True, but it's the keystone in the arch. Remove it, and all the "other stuff" is inevitably going to collapse.
Sorry, I disagree. It was like that with past boyfriends, which seems really shallow. I take the long view of marriage. I don’t rate sex as high enough to be “the keystone of the arch.” Part of the arch maybe, but not the key thing. That was the problem with every relationship I had before marriage. And obviously, I did marry those guys. Sex was rated so highly it trumped other things.
If you DH genuinely agrees that sex is not critically important, then I guess you're good. But I doubt it.
Anonymous
02/03/2018 00:47
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
Your logic is completely flawed. First of all, a sexless marriage is already "dead" so there is nothing more that you could do to further kill an already dead marriage. You are just room mates. Second, if you are married to somebody who doesn't think sex is important (because they aren't having any), why would that person suddenly think sex (as in non-monogamy) is SOOO important to end the marriage? And why would you want to stay with such an absurd hypocrite? Your advice to stay (and do what, remain celibate?) is terrible!
Newsflash: I have kids. They are way more important than frequent sex. This is not that uncommon.
Anonymous
02/03/2018 00:44
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
True, but it's the keystone in the arch. Remove it, and all the "other stuff" is inevitably going to collapse.
Sorry, I disagree. It was like that with past boyfriends, which seems really shallow. I take the long view of marriage. I don’t rate sex as high enough to be “the keystone of the arch.” Part of the arch maybe, but not the key thing. That was the problem with every relationship I had before marriage. And obviously, I did marry those guys. Sex was rated so highly it trumped other things.
Anonymous
02/02/2018 19:19
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
Your logic is completely flawed. First of all, a sexless marriage is already "dead" so there is nothing more that you could do to further kill an already dead marriage. You are just room mates. Second, if you are married to somebody who doesn't think sex is important (because they aren't having any), why would that person suddenly think sex (as in non-monogamy) is SOOO important to end the marriage? And why would you want to stay with such an absurd hypocrite? Your advice to stay (and do what, remain celibate?) is terrible!
Anonymous
02/02/2018 15:37
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
Exactly. This person post that nonsense on other boards as well.
Most people that get divorced end up with another set of problems. My good friend gave up a great life style and security for a guy that was much more physical. A year later she regretted it. Sex is one small part imo compared to finances, health...kids..the real important stuff.
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
Anonymous
02/02/2018 09:03
Subject: Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:What does he say when you talk to him about it?
I was in a relationship with a guy like this. We lived together but weren't married. I'm not saying this is it, but he had always dated "bad girls," and viewed me as a "good girl." So he wasn't attracted to me. He was jerking off to porn instead.
I only mention this since he wouldn't have sex while you were pregnant. Maybe he's got in his mind that you are a mom and not a sex partner.
This is my current situation. What’s funny is I’m far from a good girl but he can’t see me any differently. It’s all framework to keep from being vulnerable.
Anonymous
02/02/2018 09:02
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
True, but it's the keystone in the arch. Remove it, and all the "other stuff" is inevitably going to collapse.
Anonymous
02/02/2018 08:50
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
Not over, but how much weight have you gained? Not trying to be mean, and maybe this doesn't apply to you. But my husband has gained a LOT of weight AND isn't doing anything to try to lose it (even though his doctor told him to). I just don't find him attractive anymore. We still have sex a few times a month because at some point masturbation won't cut it for me.
But are you, PP, doing your part to stay attractive to your spouse? (Again, not trying to be mean.)
Anonymous
02/02/2018 07:59
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"
This would absolutely not work for many people.
Personally, I would say ok (woman here).
If I said it, the next thing my husband would do is walk out the door and go to a divorce attorney.
It would not fix a marriage...it would end it. Terrible advice.
Marriage is way more than sex.
Anonymous
02/02/2018 07:17
Subject: Re:Close to sexless marriage
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:If my wife of 18 years recoils from my touch (hand on back and the like), considers 2x a month having plenty of sex, and makes excuses, is the marriage over?
It's slightly less over than mine... I'm not even getting 2x a month.
I almost feel like I could live with that. But nah, it's over.
Just don't expect it to get better. Honestly, I felt the same way for a long time. LONG time. Actually, we have gotten better but it has been very difficult.
10 second fix to your sexless marriage, 100% guaranteed success: walk into the kitchen and announce "Honey, I've decided to stop pretending that you want a sexual relationship with me. From now on, I consider our marriage to be consensual non-monogamous"