NP - I've been struggling with ending my marriage for over 2 yrs now. I don't have a journal, but I have a document on my laptop that I wrote a lot of things I was feeling and examples of why things are so bad. It really helped me lay out what was happening and what direction I wanted to go. I read the document at least once a week to help me stay on the path toward separation, so that I'm not drawn back in by his manipulation when things don't seem "so bad" any more. It's been helpful to me.

Anonymous wrote:

aying that he was getting better, that we would have been fine had I stayed longer and had more patience. I admit, I am wavering... but I re-read this post and try to remember how down I felt, how terrible that darkness was. He does this frequently when we talk, where he will look back and remember things completely differently than I did.... he will say "oh I was just down a little bit" when there was one day he couldn't even go to work because he was so off.

so sorry you are struggling OP. But the above--its manipulative. If he was really truly serious about making it work between you, he would also acknowledge his mental health issues and get help. You have given him the support to do so, but he does't take it, instead he uses that to NOT get help. So, you two have a pattern, he pulls you back in via guilt, you go back in. Perhaps at some level he does't believe you will stay with him if he is not suffering? I am so sorry but I think you are doing the right thing. You laid out the conditions for a reconcilation, right? It was taking his mental health seriously. Yours is at stake too, you know.

Thank you. Seriously, thank you. I really needed this.

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. So most of you think I should just stick it out? And live with this depressed person for the rest of my life? Obviously we can't start a family now.

OP, I think you should leave. I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds excruciating.

aying that he was getting better, that we would have been fine had I stayed longer and had more patience. I admit, I am wavering... but I re-read this post and try to remember how down I felt, how terrible that darkness was. He does this frequently when we talk, where he will look back and remember things completely differently than I did.... he will say "oh I was just down a little bit" when there was one day he couldn't even go to work because he was so off.

so sorry you are struggling OP. But the above--its manipulative. If he was really truly serious about making it work between you, he would also acknowledge his mental health issues and get help. You have given him the support to do so, but he does't take it, instead he uses that to NOT get help. So, you two have a pattern, he pulls you back in via guilt, you go back in. Perhaps at some level he does't believe you will stay with him if he is not suffering? I am so sorry but I think you are doing the right thing. You laid out the conditions for a reconcilation, right? It was taking his mental health seriously. Yours is at stake too, you know.

This is the OP.

As an update, I left the house two weeks ago. I told him in advance what I was planning to do if he did not get help, and he still did not agree.

He has been basically begging me to come back since I left. Saying that he was getting better, that we would have been fine had I stayed longer and had more patience. I admit, I am wavering... but I re-read this post and try to remember how down I felt, how terrible that darkness was. He does this frequently when we talk, where he will look back and remember things completely differently than I did.... he will say "oh I was just down a little bit" when there was one day he couldn't even go to work because he was so off.

I need strength. Friends and family just don't provide it... they don't want to do or say the wrong thing, which I completely understand. But it's like I need someone to remind me that despite what he says now, it was not going to get better on its own. I've been through that cycle, where it improves for short periods of time and then we fall right back down the hole again. Why is it so hard to remember that?

My plan know is to cut off all contact. I allowed it at first because I was weak, but I know I need to stop. But truly... will this help me? Will cutting off contact allow me to find the clarity I need? Am I just confused because I let him get to me?

PP, did you use some template for the agreements or is it just your own notes? I have a spreadsheet detailing how I would divide the financials but haven't gotten to the point of sharing it with him.

I'm not the OP

WTF are people saying about "in sickness and health"???

Seriously.

I really cannot believe they are serious.

Under that theory, drug abuse (including heroin) is just a sickness.

Under that theory, severe mental abuse (sex addicts who cheat daily) is just a sickness.

Under that theory, almost all abuse can be characterized as a "sickness" and you should just let it destroy your life.

We have divorce for a reason -- life before was REALLY bad for a lot of women and children (and some men, too).

OP -- I am going through this issue now. Here's what I found helpful. I have moved to a separate bedroom in the house. Our relationship has separated. I make sure that the door is locked to my bedroom so I am not tempted to engage in physical contact and create the bad cycle again.

I have free phone counseling at work (as much as I want) and I try to use it. I also come to DCUM and my friends and try to get support. I am detaching myself from this unhealthy cycle with a sweet and kind and fun but very very sick man.

I started putting paychecks into a separate account. And, later in a moment of calmness, we have started to separate our finances fairly. We even came up with a post-nuptial agreement on how to separate finances that we could not separate now. (If he is unable to be well enough to do this, I recommend that you do it fairly and see if he'll be willing to sign. The way that I did it, is that I wrote two agreements after I split up items into A & B -- one with me getting A and him B, and one with me getting B and him A, so he could see that I wasn't trying to trick him and would take EITHER pile).

I have NOT gotten a divorce lawyer, because I would like this to be done amicably, and I have friends who were able to submit agreement with the court that the court rubber stamped. If we get a divorce lawyer, I hope to get one who represents both of us and just makes the divorce quickly.

Emotionally is the hardest part, because I'd almost be tricked into believing something has changed. For me, this is 15 years later (please don't wait this long), so at this point, I simply know that nothing will change, and at one point, he even admitted it -- he said that he just doesn't want to lose me but it's not that he loves me. It is truly a sickness.

It is really hard to end a marriage. I've been divorced for 3 years now, but I made sure that I tried everything I could to help save our marriage before I decided to end it. I now have no regrets and my ex still has the same problems he had 3 years ago. Nothing has changed for him, but I have changed a lot. You must follow your instincts on this one and not listen to what others think you should do in this situation. Although it's hard, if you feel like it's time to get out because he's not showing any willingness to take care of himself, then you may just have to do it. There is always the option of a legal separation to see if he will do anything differently if your not there. Keep hope.

The “in sickness and in health” promise does not include sacrificing your life on the alter of someone who does not want to accept they need help/treatment. Certainly physical health does obligate you to stay and see problems through; but mental health issues are entirely different to me. You’ve made a good faith effort, have tried to get him to take actions that will fix his “sickness” and he refuses. I’d go ahead and separate, live somewhere else without a legal divorce for awhile. Consult an attorney before doing that so you aren’t giving up any of your legal rights to marital property. Maybe some space and time apart will help both of you to consider the options. Might also make it clear to him that you’re not just going to quietly enable him to harm himself and you indefinitely by declining to try to improve his health and the marriage. Would give you some time to see if life is better on your own.

30 years ago, my husband and I separated and divorced because he was an alcoholic. It was a sickness that was tearing our home apart. He refused to get help because
he didnt see that he had a problem. "in sickness and in health" did not apply. I was counseled to at least separate. There was much relationship damage. my children were
becoming afraid. Our home life was chaotic at best.
If you are feeling to draw that boundary and leave, then you need to do that and not come back. It may be the push he needs to get some help. If he remains healthy and
well for a good length of time after he gets help, then maybe think about reconciling. This is not on you. You had no way of knowing, I understand your heart. I used
to say "if he would have just tried a little, we could have made it work." It feels like you have wasted your time but you havent. You have grown and are stronger for it.
Don't give in to guilt and condemnation. Im a great believer in prayer. So I say pray, then move in the right direction and don't look back. Hold your head high and be
encouraged........................................!

Anonymous wrote:Can’t you go with him each week? At least for a while? Make him comfortable?
Or, tell him you’ll wait in the waiting room each week and go out to lunch or whatever is fun with him after - make it more fun and less stressful for him to go? Tell him if he ever needs he can bring you in to his appointment?
Why does he have such anxiety about going?

You know that if you leave him he’s probably going to be living in a gutter somewhere before too long.
You should try to help him get what he needs, whatever that is.

Stop that, omg.
He is in denial. Coddling him and enabling the denial will not help.

Can’t you go with him each week? At least for a while? Make him comfortable?
Or, tell him you’ll wait in the waiting room each week and go out to lunch or whatever is fun with him after - make it more fun and less stressful for him to go? Tell him if he ever needs he can bring you in to his appointment?
Why does he have such anxiety about going?

You know that if you leave him he’s probably going to be living in a gutter somewhere before too long.
You should try to help him get what he needs, whatever that is.