Anonymous
12/30/2017 09:48
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
I picked in my 20s and never would have made the same choice had I been older and more mature.
Anonymous
12/30/2017 09:36
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’ll offer up my story here. I met my husband at 18, started dating him at 20, married him at 22, which was about 20 years ago. We have four children. We met at our Northeast Ivy League undergrad and were definitely in the minority when we got married so young. We moved to the West Coast for graduate school (professional school for him). I worked for a couple years in my field then started having kids. I was done having kids by 32. At 34 I went and got a second graduate degree and changed fields entirely, returning to work full time at 35. So I’ve been back working for seven years now. I definitely spent several years feeling like I was behind my friends professionally, but I made up the lost ground over time, especially as many of my peers cut back when they had kids. The marriage has been strong and healthy, though the first couple years were a bit rockier. He was definitely the right choice for me and we’ve grown up together. I’m much more driven now than I was when I was a young mom, and he’s stepped up his role to allow me to go after my goals. It’s a role reversal. I don’t know that I would have made a better choice if I had waited until my 30s. I think the key to a happy life and partnership has little to do with age at marriage— it’s about accepting that there will be ups and downs, tolerating each other’s unevenness, accepting that neither of you will always be at your peak, and just staying constant in your love for each other. You may have sexual dry spells or someone might have a year where they struggle with situational depression or one of you might lose your job or get relocated or experience some other upheaval. Whether you deal with infertility or a miscarriage or the death of a parent or whatever, life isn’t easy. Find happiness for yourself, don’t expect anyone else to make you happy. Have your own interests and goals, but view marriage as a forever proposition and spend quality time with your spouse. Treat them the way you want to be treated. Do your best to stay physically connected too. Then it won’t matter if you chose the person in your 20s or 30s— you’ll make it.
Thank you for posting this - much needed perspective.
I'm the PP who has been married 30 years. We got married at 21. I think this is such a great description of the way a long healthy marriage works. Ignore the posters criticizing you. The unhappiness and loneliness in their posts is so obvious. Congrats on 20 years!
+1000
I think maybe people reacted against the Ivy League mention? Or too many kids? Or not being SAH with 4 kids? Whatever...maybe the truth hurts.
Anonymous
12/30/2017 08:27
Subject: What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:just no drive
"he's not making what I thought he'd make"
Hope it was worth it
I read "just no drive" as "just no sex drive" lol
What does sex drive have to do with picking a husband?
You can’t be serious. It’s major.
Anonymous
12/30/2017 08:26
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
What if you picked right and disaster strikes? Itife OP. You grow stronger.
Anonymous
12/30/2017 08:13
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
Anonymous wrote:Why anyone would ever trust themself to pick their LIFE PARTNER in their 20's is beyond me. You have the rest of your life to be married so I have no sympathy for those who rush it and end up making a huge mistake.
lol you could say the same thing about choosing a college and career path at 18. But guess what? 18+ are adults and many can make good choices.
Anonymous
12/30/2017 08:08
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
Anonymous wrote: Plus, if a woman has a career and can support herself, and on top of that is doing all the childcare, what does she really need a husband for?
That’s the point. She doesn’t “need” her husband, she wants to be with her husband. But if he starts behaving like so many DCUDs seem to, she has options, and he knows it. She isn’t stuck in the marriage because she has a degree in Art History and has been out of the workforce for 15 years.
It’s not unsimilar to the position most bread-winning dads are in: they can support themselves and their children, and childcare and maid service and meal preparation can be outsourced (as it frequently is anyway in these families because mom sees her SAH role as babysitter between 8 am and 5 pm, and not cook or cleaner, or nighttime/weekend childcare).
Anonymous
12/30/2017 07:39
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why anyone would ever trust themself to pick their LIFE PARTNER in their 20's is beyond me. You have the rest of your life to be married so I have no sympathy for those who rush it and end up making a huge mistake.
Because some people are smarter and more mature in their 20s then others? I picked my husband in my 20s, had all my kids before 30, and we are going to celebrate our 20th anniversary next year. I don't want to be married to anyone else as I love my DH more and more every year. It is nice to have children in college/heading to college and be in my early 40s.
P.S. I've never been in Oklahoma
It’s “than”. Guess you’re not that smart.
NP. WOW. You are SEETHING with jealousy.
I’m the one that called you on your typo. Keep telling yourself I’m jealous (and I think you mean envious) if it keeps you warm at night. If your original post hadn’t been so smarmy and self-congratulatory, I probably would have let it go. But proclaiming how much smarter you are, while simultaneously displaying an incomplete grasp of simple, basic grammar, requires a reality check. I’ll say it again—you’re not that smart.
Not the PP you are responding to. Maybe you are not jealous but based on your post you sound like a bitter uptight sad sack. Glad I am not married to you.
Seriously. Same. You sound like a real peach. I’d much rather prefer to be married to someone who sometimes mixes up “then” and “than,” than (haha) to a nasty, self righteous keyboard warrior like you.
Anonymous
12/30/2017 00:56
Subject: What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
I got married at 23 and have been married for 10 years.
Honestly, I think no one can predict how well a marriage will work out, no matter how old you are. I don't actually think I am that much better at judging people than I was at 23. I have friends and relatives who got married in their 30s and are divorced. I know other people who married both older and younger and who are doing great. Marriage is work, and you may think you are marrying the right "choice" but that person may change, because human beings are not static. I know people who married someone who seemed great but then some sort of mental illness or prior trauma sets in and ruins the relationship. Sometimes these issues have earlier signs but sometimes, they don't. We all benefit from age and experience but you can't put your life on hold because you may make a mistake.
Honestly, I think no one can predict how well a marriage will work out, no matter how old you are. I don't actually think I am that much better at judging people than I was at 23. I have friends and relatives who got married in their 30s and are divorced. I know other people who married both older and younger and who are doing great. Marriage is work, and you may think you are marrying the right "choice" but that person may change, because human beings are not static. I know people who married someone who seemed great but then some sort of mental illness or prior trauma sets in and ruins the relationship. Sometimes these issues have earlier signs but sometimes, they don't. We all benefit from age and experience but you can't put your life on hold because you may make a mistake.
Anonymous
12/30/2017 00:03
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
Anonymous wrote:.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why anyone would ever trust themself to pick their LIFE PARTNER in their 20's is beyond me. You have the rest of your life to be married so I have no sympathy for those who rush it and end up making a huge mistake.
I picked mine at 15. Married him at 21. We just celebrated 30 years of marriage. I know many, many people just like us.
Do you live in Tennessee or Oklahoma?
I've lived all over the world. I went to high school in NoVA. My DH and I went to UGA. Most of my adult life has been in DC and NoVA. Nice try with the nasty stereotypes. Want to know how I can tell you are miserable and unhappy?
No offense, but is it your idea of living all over the world?
All over the US (14 states) and three very different overseas locations??? Yeah, most people would say I've lived all over the world.
I am not sure who you are but I was referring to the PP who said they went to high school in NOVA, college in UGA and spent most of their adult life in DC and NOVA.
Anonymous
12/29/2017 15:30
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
.Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why anyone would ever trust themself to pick their LIFE PARTNER in their 20's is beyond me. You have the rest of your life to be married so I have no sympathy for those who rush it and end up making a huge mistake.
I picked mine at 15. Married him at 21. We just celebrated 30 years of marriage. I know many, many people just like us.
Do you live in Tennessee or Oklahoma?
I've lived all over the world. I went to high school in NoVA. My DH and I went to UGA. Most of my adult life has been in DC and NoVA. Nice try with the nasty stereotypes. Want to know how I can tell you are miserable and unhappy?
No offense, but is it your idea of living all over the world?
All over the US (14 states) and three very different overseas locations??? Yeah, most people would say I've lived all over the world.
Anonymous
12/29/2017 15:27
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I’ll offer up my story here. I met my husband at 18, started dating him at 20, married him at 22, which was about 20 years ago. We have four children. We met at our Northeast Ivy League undergrad and were definitely in the minority when we got married so young. We moved to the West Coast for graduate school (professional school for him). I worked for a couple years in my field then started having kids. I was done having kids by 32. At 34 I went and got a second graduate degree and changed fields entirely, returning to work full time at 35. So I’ve been back working for seven years now. I definitely spent several years feeling like I was behind my friends professionally, but I made up the lost ground over time, especially as many of my peers cut back when they had kids. The marriage has been strong and healthy, though the first couple years were a bit rockier. He was definitely the right choice for me and we’ve grown up together. I’m much more driven now than I was when I was a young mom, and he’s stepped up his role to allow me to go after my goals. It’s a role reversal. I don’t know that I would have made a better choice if I had waited until my 30s. I think the key to a happy life and partnership has little to do with age at marriage— it’s about accepting that there will be ups and downs, tolerating each other’s unevenness, accepting that neither of you will always be at your peak, and just staying constant in your love for each other. You may have sexual dry spells or someone might have a year where they struggle with situational depression or one of you might lose your job or get relocated or experience some other upheaval. Whether you deal with infertility or a miscarriage or the death of a parent or whatever, life isn’t easy. Find happiness for yourself, don’t expect anyone else to make you happy. Have your own interests and goals, but view marriage as a forever proposition and spend quality time with your spouse. Treat them the way you want to be treated. Do your best to stay physically connected too. Then it won’t matter if you chose the person in your 20s or 30s— you’ll make it.
Thank you for posting this - much needed perspective.
I'm the PP who has been married 30 years. We got married at 21. I think this is such a great description of the way a long healthy marriage works. Ignore the posters criticizing you. The unhappiness and loneliness in their posts is so obvious. Congrats on 20 years!
Anonymous
12/29/2017 15:27
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why anyone would ever trust themself to pick their LIFE PARTNER in their 20's is beyond me. You have the rest of your life to be married so I have no sympathy for those who rush it and end up making a huge mistake.
Because some people are smarter and more mature in their 20s then others? I picked my husband in my 20s, had all my kids before 30, and we are going to celebrate our 20th anniversary next year. I don't want to be married to anyone else as I love my DH more and more every year. It is nice to have children in college/heading to college and be in my early 40s.
P.S. I've never been in Oklahoma
It’s “than”. Guess you’re not that smart.
NP. WOW. You are SEETHING with jealousy.
I’m the one that called you on your typo. Keep telling yourself I’m jealous (and I think you mean envious) if it keeps you warm at night. If your original post hadn’t been so smarmy and self-congratulatory, I probably would have let it go. But proclaiming how much smarter you are, while simultaneously displaying an incomplete grasp of simple, basic grammar, requires a reality check. I’ll say it again—you’re not that smart.
Not the PP you are responding to. Maybe you are not jealous but based on your post you sound like a bitter uptight sad sack. Glad I am not married to you.
Anonymous
12/29/2017 15:25
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
I got married in my mid-20's but we waited five years before we had children. This allowed our careers and our relationship to really develop in advance of having children. This was really helpful for us as we had saved money and we had a marriage that was doing very well going into the crazy kid years. If I had picked wrong I'm sure I would have figured it out during that five year period. Once you have kids it becomes much tougher dealing with picking wrong. We are empty nesters now and we are still going strong.
Anonymous
12/29/2017 15:20
Subject: Re:What if you picked wrong in your 20s?
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Why anyone would ever trust themself to pick their LIFE PARTNER in their 20's is beyond me. You have the rest of your life to be married so I have no sympathy for those who rush it and end up making a huge mistake.
I picked mine at 15. Married him at 21. We just celebrated 30 years of marriage. I know many, many people just like us.
Do you live in Tennessee or Oklahoma?
I've lived all over the world. I went to high school in NoVA. My DH and I went to UGA. Most of my adult life has been in DC and NoVA. Nice try with the nasty stereotypes. Want to know how I can tell you are miserable and unhappy?
No offense, but is it your idea of living all over the world?