Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 19:49     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again, when he first passed away she confided in me that she didn't feel like living and just wanted to sit and do nothing. As much as my husband doesn't like her relationship, he isn't going to tell her what to do or cut her off. He adores his mom. He has a hard time balancing his feelings and her feelings. But it is really hurting him how torn his family is. I'm not sure we will ever all be together in the same room again.


Seriously, your husband needs a grief counselor. There is no shame in getting professional help to manager what is one of the most traumatic experiences of a person’s life (losing a parent). Do it for him, for you, for your MIL and for your children.


This. OP's husband and BIL are grieving and grief can make people act crazy.

Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 14:25     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Can we not talk about "losing" people? They died. Losing them makes it sound like you can't find them in a crowd or something.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 14:21     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:OP again, when he first passed away she confided in me that she didn't feel like living and just wanted to sit and do nothing. As much as my husband doesn't like her relationship, he isn't going to tell her what to do or cut her off. He adores his mom. He has a hard time balancing his feelings and her feelings. But it is really hurting him how torn his family is. I'm not sure we will ever all be together in the same room again.


Seriously, your husband needs a grief counselor. There is no shame in getting professional help to manager what is one of the most traumatic experiences of a person’s life (losing a parent). Do it for him, for you, for your MIL and for your children.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 13:11     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again, when he first passed away she confided in me that she didn't feel like living and just wanted to sit and do nothing. As much as my husband doesn't like her relationship, he isn't going to tell her what to do or cut her off. He adores his mom. He has a hard time balancing his feelings and her feelings. But it is really hurting him how torn his family is. I'm not sure we will ever all be together in the same room again.


It's your husband and his brother that are tearing the family apart. Not your MIL or her boyfriend.


+1

Your husband and BIL are entitled to be sad, to feel conflicted about their mother dating again, etc. But they are not entitled to take it out on her. She's sad, she's lonely.

Your concerns about him being an opportunist are based on nothing, so far as I can see. You admit that you don't know the guy well. If you thought he was a predator, you'd be better off spending time with them so you could observe his behavior firsthand. If he was an abuser, he'd be delighted that you are pulling away from her.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 13:07     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP again, when he first passed away she confided in me that she didn't feel like living and just wanted to sit and do nothing. As much as my husband doesn't like her relationship, he isn't going to tell her what to do or cut her off. He adores his mom. He has a hard time balancing his feelings and her feelings. But it is really hurting him how torn his family is. I'm not sure we will ever all be together in the same room again.


It's your husband and his brother that are tearing the family apart. Not your MIL or her boyfriend.


Are you in the boyfriend?
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 12:58     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:OP again, when he first passed away she confided in me that she didn't feel like living and just wanted to sit and do nothing. As much as my husband doesn't like her relationship, he isn't going to tell her what to do or cut her off. He adores his mom. He has a hard time balancing his feelings and her feelings. But it is really hurting him how torn his family is. I'm not sure we will ever all be together in the same room again.


It's your husband and his brother that are tearing the family apart. Not your MIL or her boyfriend.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 12:44     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
When my mom passed three years ago. Her DH of 30 years (my stepfather) moved on fast. So fast that he was engaged to my mother's best friend 6 months after mom's death. We were all shocked and saddened by his move. My mother's friend who was like an aunt to us, shut down communication with my step dad. It's been almost 2 years since their huge wedding we were not invited to. She "swooped" in. Within weeks of meeting her he was sending her large amounts of money from my mother's retirement savings. Money she saved from the sale of her parents home. Next came new cars, trips across the country, finally refinancing my mother's paid for home that was left to me and My siblings (step dad was allowed to keep it with understanding he would leave it to us apon his passing) It was like something out of a nightmare. We had to force ourselves in one weekend to collect my mother's personal items she left us. Thankfully she stated in the will we were allowed to get our things as soon as we wanted. This included dining room furniture, kitchen stuff, sterling silver flatware, jewellery, gold pieces, pretty valuable items. Step dad was fine but new wife had a fit! Especially when it came to my mom's 1959 barbie in mint condition. She tried to say my mom left it to her. It was a nightmare. After cleaning my stepfather out of a dinning room table, hutch and sideboard, DH and I took him out and purchased new replacements. He was thankful but not good enough for new wife. Anyway sorry so long, but this is what a predatory New spouse looks like. I don't think that is what you are dealing with. Give your mom a break. I wish you well.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 12:39     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:OP here. She isn't my mother so I'm not overstepping and giving my two cents about most of this. I'm just letting some of the rawness defuse. I'm being nothing but nice to her.

About the swooping - my MIL's mother mentioned he has always had a crush on her and that my MIL has in the past called him "odd, weird". I am being 100% protective of her when I question how this relationship developed and why. She is a grown woman and I personally won't question her choices to her face.

My husband has made it no secret that he doesn't love this arrangement but it's her life and she can do what she wants. We aren't comfortable with a man we barely know coming and staying in our house.

"Family friend" is just an easy way to explain in a short paragraph but he's a handy man and did odd jobs around my in laws house for 20 years.


I posted about my mom getting a boyfriend. Not to be snobby but he wasn't the handyman. Does he own the business ? Is it like taking up with the guys doing the lawn or the company owner? Since you posted more after I replied - my answer changed. Yes there is something odd going on especially if pre-FIL death she thought the new guy was odd and weird.

Don't worry about the Costco part-I used to go there with my DH. Thank goodness he decided to stop his Costco intrest.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 12:01     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
You and BIL need to grow up. She's a grown woman. Don't you want to see her happy?? Her husband died and she's moving on. This is healthy.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 11:55     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
OP again, when he first passed away she confided in me that she didn't feel like living and just wanted to sit and do nothing. As much as my husband doesn't like her relationship, he isn't going to tell her what to do or cut her off. He adores his mom. He has a hard time balancing his feelings and her feelings. But it is really hurting him how torn his family is. I'm not sure we will ever all be together in the same room again.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 11:46     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP agree but before FIL passed she was involved in various organizations in town and went out with friends. She does nothing now.


You keep returning to defend the idea that MIL is in trouble somehow but then you also seem to reject the idea that DH and BIL should be doing something other than refusing to see mom in person.

You also said above that "I'm only one person and it's greater than me." Can you see how that is a cop-out if you care for her? Are you afraid to upset or anger your DH? I can understand that fear on your part, but the "I'm only one person" plea rings hollow if you're really concerned. Are you talking to your DH about all this, or just going along with him and BIL and the use of the kids as a smokescreen for the real issue?

Was MIL in those organizations with FIL? It might be painful for her to return to activities they shared. If you can't see why that would be painful, well, unfortunately someday you will. Same with going out with friends. If she was part of organizations that were "hers" more than "theirs" as a couple, have DH and BIL encouraged her to return? Or are they so focused on the boyfriend that they haven't looked at that bigger picture and tried to talk to her about returning to old activities or finding new ones? This is all easier to do if they would only see her. They do not have to pretend to love the boyfriend; they only have to be civil, not even cordial; they do not have to let her and BF share a bedroom under their roofs. But noting things like how mom is not doing activities and is drinking -- and then using the boyfriend as the reason not to see her -- is really putting the focus in the wrong place.

It's easier for them to be angry with her for dating than it is for them to set the dating aside and talk to her about other concerns like being active, participating in the community if that's what she did before, or protecting her business. Has anyone bothered to look into that? Is she able to focus at work? Or is the boyfriend blinding these adult sons to all the other things they could be looking at? And why are you, "just one person," so leery of talking to your own DH?


OP here. Thanks for the long response. My husband literally calls her very day and does encourage her to continue her life. He isn't saying don't date.. as much as he hates it..
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 11:43     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:Poor grandma. As if losing her husband wasn't enough.

Yea...that's what I thought too.
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 11:08     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:OP here. My husband speaks to his mother daily and is happy to do so. He loves his mother very much but he is against her bringing him to our house or spending time with him. She is coming to visit for a week next month but he isn't coming.


What a horrible thing to do to her.


Meh. My mother is also became a widow a few years ago. Although I wouldn't have banned her from bringing her significant other in this situation I do think it is fine to request that she does not introduce a new man to the grandchildren when the husband has been dead for less a year. Especially if OP's kids were particularly if they were close to their grandfather.

OP there's really nothing you can do so there's no use worrying about it. Just try and stay plugged into her life as much as possible and don't give him any sort of excuse to try and isolate her from her family. Widows can be targets of grifters but how nice for your MIL if he is actually a nice guy and she has another shot at love?
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 10:58     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband
Anonymous wrote:OP agree but before FIL passed she was involved in various organizations in town and went out with friends. She does nothing now.


You keep returning to defend the idea that MIL is in trouble somehow but then you also seem to reject the idea that DH and BIL should be doing something other than refusing to see mom in person.

You also said above that "I'm only one person and it's greater than me." Can you see how that is a cop-out if you care for her? Are you afraid to upset or anger your DH? I can understand that fear on your part, but the "I'm only one person" plea rings hollow if you're really concerned. Are you talking to your DH about all this, or just going along with him and BIL and the use of the kids as a smokescreen for the real issue?

Was MIL in those organizations with FIL? It might be painful for her to return to activities they shared. If you can't see why that would be painful, well, unfortunately someday you will. Same with going out with friends. If she was part of organizations that were "hers" more than "theirs" as a couple, have DH and BIL encouraged her to return? Or are they so focused on the boyfriend that they haven't looked at that bigger picture and tried to talk to her about returning to old activities or finding new ones? This is all easier to do if they would only see her. They do not have to pretend to love the boyfriend; they only have to be civil, not even cordial; they do not have to let her and BF share a bedroom under their roofs. But noting things like how mom is not doing activities and is drinking -- and then using the boyfriend as the reason not to see her -- is really putting the focus in the wrong place.

It's easier for them to be angry with her for dating than it is for them to set the dating aside and talk to her about other concerns like being active, participating in the community if that's what she did before, or protecting her business. Has anyone bothered to look into that? Is she able to focus at work? Or is the boyfriend blinding these adult sons to all the other things they could be looking at? And why are you, "just one person," so leery of talking to your own DH?
Anonymous
Post 11/16/2017 10:43     Subject: Mother in law dating after losing husband


We can only draw conclusions from our own experiences. She's an adult but she acts like she's been through a traumatic experience - which she has. Her behavior is not that of a person who is ready for a relationship. She goes to work, comes home, drinks. That's basically it. She has gone on vacation once to Pennsylvania.

And no, he won't come and stay in our house for a week. I'm firm on that. I wouldn't be comfortable for my brother bringing a new gf over for a week either.


First of all, it's not your call to make as far as whether she's in a position to be in a relationship. She's likely still grieving and may just want someone to spend time with. Nothing wrong with that. I understand your concern, but you have to let her handle this in her own way.

Additionally, I think it's perfectly fine that you don't want MIL and her boyfriend staying at your house. I would feel the same way. He's basically a stranger and having someone you don't even know stay in your home can get awkward. I would also be worried that my kids would annoy him or be too loud. So, offer to put them up in a nearby hotel and plan to get together for meals or during the day to go somewhere. I'd blame it on the kids when offering it up to MIL instead of making it about her boyfriend, which could cause drama.