Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

PP here. There are always exceptions, but I hope you'll heed your mom's advice. Just read some of the other poster's comments about what can happen. It can be a very slippery slope...

Anonymous wrote:Alcoholism is a progressive disease, untreated it only gets worse.

Signed,

Wife of a sober alcoholic

I was about to write the same thing. If you bf is a true alcoholic (and it sounds like he definitely is), there is no way he'll be able to maintain his current level of drinking. His drinking will increase, perhaps gradually and perhaps it won't happen for many, many years. But it will get worse. And one day, he won't be functioning anymore.

Walk away now while you can still save yourself. I wouldn't consider marrying someone like this unless he's been in treatment and sober for many years first.

OP, you have described my BIL. And his life went to hell very quickly because of his drinking. It is not only a habit but it changes the brain chemistry. He is now a raging, jealous, foulmouthed lunatic who has dragged his wife, child, parents and us in his drama.

Cut your losses and run. There is no reforming such a person.

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Anonymous wrote:How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I always drive.

Are you in academia too? A grad student?

Does he have tenure -- Im guessing not. So you might have to move somewhere where he will drive. Especially if you work somewhere else

My dad was an alcoholic, and for him our schedule was always driven by getting someplace wherever he could get that next drink. Vacations were planed around making sure we were someplace where he could get that drink by 5.

Drink before work? What happened when he skips it?

I'm in marketing - we're close to the same age. He's tenure-tracked, and well-liked in his department.

Though they must smell the booze on his breath.

Who gets this close to people at work?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How long until he gets a DUI or hits and kills someone? That sure ruins a life.

I always drive.

Are you in academia too? A grad student?

Does he have tenure -- Im guessing not. So you might have to move somewhere where he will drive. Especially if you work somewhere else

My dad was an alcoholic, and for him our schedule was always driven by getting someplace wherever he could get that next drink. Vacations were planed around making sure we were someplace where he could get that drink by 5.

Drink before work? What happened when he skips it?

I'm in marketing - we're close to the same age. He's tenure-tracked, and well-liked in his department.

Though they must smell the booze on his breath.

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

Thank you, mom, but look around and see who is dead and who is not. The longest living relative in the family was the 98 year old alcoholic great grandfather who haven't even required assisted living or much help. We called it proactive chemotherapy.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A drink before going to work? Dump him now.

+1

+1 for sure

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

You may not be ready to admit it now, but the equivalent of a bottle of wine every single night is problematic drinking. Continuing that path for the next 30 - 40 years will likely not turn out well. I would seriously reconsider your lifestyle.

A friend of mine was married to a guy like this. Perfectly charming, very creative. She finally divorced him after he was drinking while she was in labor with their first child.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I'm gutted. It sounds like an unequivocally bad idea to marry him.

Why are you gutted? Everything that is said here you knew already. He does not fit your idea of marriage.

Not OP, but you can love imperfect people and know that the imperfection is a huge problem and still not hate them. You must not have ever really loved someone to think it just turns off like that.

I am referring to profound conversations on DCUM as the reason for the feeling. It has nothing to do with love or imperfections or hate.
Everyone around me drinks equivalent of a bottle of wine a night. Surgeons, lawyers, professors, prosecutors, graphic designers, analysts, managers, chefs, programmers, etc. I admit, it's a self selected group as we all drink and like to drink, ideological non-drinkers don't fit in well (some want but can't drink, they fit in). OP is clearly not on board with that, otherwise there will be no post.

My sister is in her 40s and just entered rehab. She sounds a lot like your boyfriend--always the fun one, super sociable, etc. Except, she was married and the unhappiness in her marriage was what precipitated a slow decent into alcoholism. For years she held it together, managed to be a good mom (well, her adult children do resent the last few years of lies, cover-ups, and bad choices), and keep a good job. Things only recently came crashing down on her. After divorcing her husband of 20 years, she got married another person with alcoholic tendencies. She spent a year in an unhappy marriage to a rich asshole (everybody advised her against marrying him). She would lie about how much she was drinking but would occasionally slip information including that the had to drink in the morning or that she was "cutting way back to only 3-4 drinks a night". After a second divorce, she was fired from her job because of issues related to her drinking. It took a lot for our family to believe my nephew and niece about how bad things were (they were no longer living with her), but after the job situation everyone kicked in and got her into rehab.
I would say that if he is not serious about getting help and getting sober, don't marry him. It's not going to get better!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he recognize he has a problem and is he actively getting help? A drink before work is very worrisome. Does he drive after drinking?

He recognizes he has a problem. He's been sober (involved with AA) a few times in the past. He doesn't see it as a huge issue for all of the reasons I listed in my OP. (And I kind of don't either.) If he'd burned a lot of bridges, or had a bad reputation, or was struggling professionally, or had legal/financial issues I would be concerned - but none of this is happening.

As someone who is married to an alcoholic in recovery, I can tell you that it's a progressive disease, and unfortunately unless he commits to full recovery, the future will not contain rainbows and roses.

Anonymous wrote:Boyfriend and I are in our early thirties and are like two peas in a pod. We adore each other, take care of each other, and support each other. We laugh, have fun, have a great sex life, respect each other, and overall have a wonderful relationship. We've been together for two years.

My boyfriend is a highly educated professional who's well-respected in his field. He has a ton of adoring friends and a loving family. Recently we have discussed marriage.

But here's the thing: my boyfriend is an alcoholic. He doesn't get wildly drunk, but he drinks every day. He has a drink before going to work and drinks a few throughout the day. He was sober for four months last year and his personality stayed the same - easygoing and cheerful - but he really threw himself into his work, working 12 - 14 hours a day, and a lot on the weekends.

He treats me like gold, has never raised his voice, pays his bills, is organized, is well-liked. As far as I'm concerned, he's perfect outside of the drinking. I am at a loss. I have never had a relationship that even comes close to this. Would it really be so terrible to marry him??

My husband is the same. It's not good for the kids. I'd definitely think twice, or you will be single-parenting both your husband and any children you have.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does he recognize he has a problem and is he actively getting help? A drink before work is very worrisome. Does he drive after drinking?

He recognizes he has a problem. He's been sober (involved with AA) a few times in the past. He doesn't see it as a huge issue for all of the reasons I listed in my OP. (And I kind of don't either.) If he'd burned a lot of bridges, or had a bad reputation, or was struggling professionally, or had legal/financial issues I would be concerned - but none of this is happening.

I married a man like this. Alcohol will always be a problem for him. Like another poster said, life will only get more complicated and challenging. If you marry him you must be aware he will NOT change. He may stop drinking but will most likely start again. Only marry him if you can deal with his drinking.

This. I finally left him after a DWI and him making poor decisions. He told me he was never going to stop drinking.

Anonymous wrote:A drink before going to work? Dump him now.

+1