Anonymous
09/08/2017 13:28
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You can't. They're his family, just like DH is your family. It's a package deal.
Op here. I see your point. I'm fine with including his wife but just don't understand why his wife's daughter and school aged children are part of the package.
'Cause they're her children and grandchildren. Probably the most important people in her life. You don't think they are worth your time.
My uncle left everything to his third wife and her brood because they made the last decade of his life a lot of fun. It took him three tries to get right being a husband and father figure. He died suddenly at 67. His own children were shocked to learn he had changed his will two years earlier. The step-grandkids that spent holidays and frequent weekends with him won't have to worry about how to pay for college.
Op here. It's wonderful if he enjoys his new family members. I still don't get why that means I need to host them in my home. I've met these people a handful of times in three years. They may be his family, but they aren't mine. It's also just an issue of how busy I am, there isn't a ton of extra time and energy in my life to invest in these strangers.
I don't give a shit what my dad does with his will.
OP, Ignore this. I get what you are saying 100%. My parents have been divorced and remarried so many times that there is no money in the will for the "original" kids, my dad died and left it all to - you guessed it! - wife #2. So person who I'm quoting - spare us the moral/fake righteousness until you have walked in our shoes and gone through MULTIPLE divorces where you have other peoples kids thrust on you and you don't get any money anyway because they're head over heels for the new wife.
You sound like a real peach. Quite frankly, I can't see why they'd WANT to spend any time with you, since you're clearly miserable and narcissistic.
Anonymous
09/08/2017 13:11
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You can't. They're his family, just like DH is your family. It's a package deal.
Op here. I see your point. I'm fine with including his wife but just don't understand why his wife's daughter and school aged children are part of the package.
'Cause they're her children and grandchildren. Probably the most important people in her life. You don't think they are worth your time.
My uncle left everything to his third wife and her brood because they made the last decade of his life a lot of fun. It took him three tries to get right being a husband and father figure. He died suddenly at 67. His own children were shocked to learn he had changed his will two years earlier. The step-grandkids that spent holidays and frequent weekends with him won't have to worry about how to pay for college.
Op here. It's wonderful if he enjoys his new family members. I still don't get why that means I need to host them in my home. I've met these people a handful of times in three years. They may be his family, but they aren't mine. It's also just an issue of how busy I am, there isn't a ton of extra time and energy in my life to invest in these strangers.
I don't give a shit what my dad does with his will.
You sound like a real peach. Quite frankly, I can't see why they'd WANT to spend any time with you, since you're clearly miserable and narcissistic.
Anonymous
09/08/2017 13:05
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Stepmom here. I encourage my husband to spend time alone with his child/my stepchild (now in college). But he doesn't want to and would prefer that I'm there. I don't know if it's because he likes the idea of playing big happy family (we all get along, I'm just an introvert with a busy work schedule) or finds it is too much work and wants a planner along (likely when stepkid was younger).
So, I'm completely sympathetic to not wanting to host all these people, but keep in mind it may not be the stepmom's doing that the whole crew tags along.
Why is this ok with you? It sounds like textbook lazy divorced dad.
Anonymous
09/08/2017 13:00
Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:OP you don't HAVE to do anything. It it is fair to say you don't have the bandwidth to host large groups. But every time you chime in you sound to me kind of, well, bratty. "MY daddy, I'll never care about these STRANGERS, whiiiiine." Everyone is a stranger until you know them. His wife is his wife and he obviously wants the two of you to have a relationship. Please consider opening your heart a bit. You're life may be fuller for it.
First, OP doesn't mind if the wife comes. She minds that the wife's adult children and grandchildren may come.
And OP DOES know them, and she knows she doesn't enjoy their company. I don't get the forcible closeness. It's perfectly fine not to want to have a relationship with someone.
Anonymous
09/08/2017 12:03
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
I get it. My mother remarried in her 70s and immediately "adopted" her husbands children and grandchildren, then stopped traveling to visit her own grandchildren, who were still tiny. I was hurt. Of course none of these people came to visit after he died and she was in assisted living. Her husband was rude to me and my children and made it clear he wanted no part in our lives. I felt totally abandoned and wished I hadn't spent so much time caring for her in her old age.
Anonymous
09/08/2017 08:16
Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:OP you don't HAVE to do anything. It it is fair to say you don't have the bandwidth to host large groups. But every time you chime in you sound to me kind of, well, bratty. "MY daddy, I'll never care about these STRANGERS, whiiiiine." Everyone is a stranger until you know them. His wife is his wife and he obviously wants the two of you to have a relationship. Please consider opening your heart a bit. You're life may be fuller for it.
I'm the Previous poster and I've gotta say: this is a perfect example of what I mean when I say "people might think you are mean for doing this".
The OP (and I) have opened our hearts. We have gotten to know the other family. We have had relationships. And then our parent has gotten *another* divorce.
You reach a point where you recognize that your parent is probably incapable of really sustaining a long term relationship and you need to protect yourself from getting your heart broken again! Don't make the OP feel like she is being rigid, she is constantly being told "here's a new family to love" and gets no say on whether they continue to be family!
Anonymous
09/08/2017 08:12
Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
OP I hope you see this because I am in the exact.same.situation! Except it's my mom and her husband and his children/grandchildren.
I have had to be very clear in setting limits and boundaries. The biggest challenge is that you have to be prepared for them to not like what you are saying and to be unhappy with you for saying it. That's the toughest part if you're a typical woman
who never wants to hurt feelings! But it's really easy once you get over that hurdle! My mother is not one to back off so we had many, many arguments about it but I was very clear, calm and consistent.
I had to say and enforce it many times until they finally "got it" and stopped asking (after years!). And those who haven't been through it would probably think I was being "mean" but I had to be extremely clear. I would say "I don't have any need to host his children and grandchildren in my home, if I go to your home and they are there it's perfectly fine but I don't want to host them in mine."
I had no choice with the other husbands but now I'm done with the facade and I have my own family, my needs now come first.
Good luck OP, you can do it!
I have had to be very clear in setting limits and boundaries. The biggest challenge is that you have to be prepared for them to not like what you are saying and to be unhappy with you for saying it. That's the toughest part if you're a typical woman
who never wants to hurt feelings! But it's really easy once you get over that hurdle! My mother is not one to back off so we had many, many arguments about it but I was very clear, calm and consistent.
I had to say and enforce it many times until they finally "got it" and stopped asking (after years!). And those who haven't been through it would probably think I was being "mean" but I had to be extremely clear. I would say "I don't have any need to host his children and grandchildren in my home, if I go to your home and they are there it's perfectly fine but I don't want to host them in mine."
I had no choice with the other husbands but now I'm done with the facade and I have my own family, my needs now come first.
Good luck OP, you can do it!
Anonymous
09/08/2017 06:28
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Stepmom here. I encourage my husband to spend time alone with his child/my stepchild (now in college). But he doesn't want to and would prefer that I'm there. I don't know if it's because he likes the idea of playing big happy family (we all get along, I'm just an introvert with a busy work schedule) or finds it is too much work and wants a planner along (likely when stepkid was younger).
So, I'm completely sympathetic to not wanting to host all these people, but keep in mind it may not be the stepmom's doing that the whole crew tags along.
So, I'm completely sympathetic to not wanting to host all these people, but keep in mind it may not be the stepmom's doing that the whole crew tags along.
Anonymous
09/08/2017 06:20
Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
OP you don't HAVE to do anything. It it is fair to say you don't have the bandwidth to host large groups. But every time you chime in you sound to me kind of, well, bratty. "MY daddy, I'll never care about these STRANGERS, whiiiiine." Everyone is a stranger until you know them. His wife is his wife and he obviously wants the two of you to have a relationship. Please consider opening your heart a bit. You're life may be fuller for it.
Anonymous
09/08/2017 00:02
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You can't. They're his family, just like DH is your family. It's a package deal.
Op here. I see your point. I'm fine with including his wife but just don't understand why his wife's daughter and school aged children are part of the package.
'Cause they're her children and grandchildren. Probably the most important people in her life. You don't think they are worth your time.
My uncle left everything to his third wife and her brood because they made the last decade of his life a lot of fun. It took him three tries to get right being a husband and father figure. He died suddenly at 67. His own children were shocked to learn he had changed his will two years earlier. The step-grandkids that spent holidays and frequent weekends with him won't have to worry about how to pay for college.
So your uncle was a crappy dad to his bio-kids the entire time.
Anonymous
09/07/2017 23:20
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:I think it's fine to just invite your dad and wife number 3. It sounds like her two daughters total moocher if they want to glom onto every family trip
The two daughters visiting are in elementary school so it's a little harsh to call them moochers. What do you expect them to do while their mother is away? If they have no one else they to watch them, they can't stay alone.
The elementary age children are grand-daughters.
This is OP. I can see the phrasing in my original post is a little ambiguous. Of course I'm not going to expect that a mother be separated from her minor children. In this case, it's my stepmom, her adult children, and her two elementary school aged grandchildren.
Yes, I thought you said your stepmom had 2 adult children and 2 elementary school children. Even if this case, I'm not sure I'd change my response. It's very reasonable to unreasonable to limit visits from the adult children and their offspring. Your baby is only a year old. That's a lot of hosting they're expecting you to do. Just say "weekend x won't work for me." But it sounds like his new family travels in groups, so you should be prepared for them to be offended and for you potentially not see your dad as much if you do so.
Anonymous
09/07/2017 23:16
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You can't. They're his family, just like DH is your family. It's a package deal.
Op here. I see your point. I'm fine with including his wife but just don't understand why his wife's daughter and school aged children are part of the package.
'Cause they're her children and grandchildren. Probably the most important people in her life. You don't think they are worth your time.
My uncle left everything to his third wife and her brood because they made the last decade of his life a lot of fun. It took him three tries to get right being a husband and father figure. He died suddenly at 67. His own children were shocked to learn he had changed his will two years earlier. The step-grandkids that spent holidays and frequent weekends with him won't have to worry about how to pay for college.
Op here. It's wonderful if he enjoys his new family members. I still don't get why that means I need to host them in my home. I've met these people a handful of times in three years. They may be his family, but they aren't mine. It's also just an issue of how busy I am, there isn't a ton of extra time and energy in my life to invest in these strangers.
I don't give a shit what my dad does with his will.
Anonymous
09/07/2017 22:49
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
Anonymous wrote:Anonymous wrote:You can't. They're his family, just like DH is your family. It's a package deal.
Op here. I see your point. I'm fine with including his wife but just don't understand why his wife's daughter and school aged children are part of the package.
'Cause they're her children and grandchildren. Probably the most important people in her life. You don't think they are worth your time.
My uncle left everything to his third wife and her brood because they made the last decade of his life a lot of fun. It took him three tries to get right being a husband and father figure. He died suddenly at 67. His own children were shocked to learn he had changed his will two years earlier. The step-grandkids that spent holidays and frequent weekends with him won't have to worry about how to pay for college.
Anonymous
09/07/2017 22:15
Subject: Re:Not interested in my father's new family
I agree with everyone who's said you need to talk to your dad, tell him you're missing the times where you really got to focus on him and him on you, plus you feel like your DD gets lost among the grandkids visiting.
So tell him you'd like to host him and his wife but not her kid and grandkids. If the kid and grandkids want to come, they should stay in a hotel so you can actually pay attention to your dad some.
Be prepared for whatever reaction he has, because he may not react well and you may risk seeing even less of him or an ultimatum about the adult daughter and grandkids HAVING to come along. And in that case you are free to say "Well Dad, I tried to explain to you what we're experiencing, but since you are prioritizing your new wife and her adult kid over your own kid and grandkids, we'll see you when we visit you. We also hope you'll change your mind."
Or whatever you feel like your answer will be if he answers negatively. But you're right to lay down your needs honestly, and you are being totally reasonable. Don't let anyone make you feel UNreasonable.
So tell him you'd like to host him and his wife but not her kid and grandkids. If the kid and grandkids want to come, they should stay in a hotel so you can actually pay attention to your dad some.
Be prepared for whatever reaction he has, because he may not react well and you may risk seeing even less of him or an ultimatum about the adult daughter and grandkids HAVING to come along. And in that case you are free to say "Well Dad, I tried to explain to you what we're experiencing, but since you are prioritizing your new wife and her adult kid over your own kid and grandkids, we'll see you when we visit you. We also hope you'll change your mind."
Or whatever you feel like your answer will be if he answers negatively. But you're right to lay down your needs honestly, and you are being totally reasonable. Don't let anyone make you feel UNreasonable.
Anonymous
09/07/2017 11:35
Subject: Not interested in my father's new family
I'm the first pp and I'm changing my answer. The wife is part of the package but not her adult children and grandchildren. I'd just level with dad and say you can't host such a big party when you already have a chaotic life with a toddler. Let's face it, they're not getting the hint.