Anonymous wrote:who are these people who claim that men can "have it all" without anyone noticing. they can have as much as women. no one can have it all, all at the same time without some serious luck or timing. if you have a 60 hour career you probably care a good amount for your kids but, no, you aren't going to have as much family togetherness time as you probably want. if you are o my at work 40 hours a week you probably are going to middle out (or may be choosing that) , marriage needs time in there too. you can be doing well and be happy in all of those but no, you can't be crushing each one, without at least seeing others pass you in a way, which is life.

men don't get to magically have extra hours in the day. I think we are at least getting to a point where men are considering this too, not just assumed to not want to do the "home stuff" bc they are men.

This is spot on. Men have never had it all...and the only difference is that it's rare to think a man wants the stuff he can't have. And it's rare to assume that a woman has a partner around to pick up the slack on the things that a "big" career would keep her from doing/having.

I'm late 30's with a "growing" job (not sure how else to put it). I also have a lot of flexibility, which helps with young kids. We have a very high HHI, which makes it easy to outsource quite a bit. And I've started to come to a reckoning around what I do/don't want in life. I think you can't "have it all" and that most people don't want it all. I will say out loud that I don't want more than a couple hours a day with my kids. We get sick of each other. That may change when they're older, but that's where things stand right now. I guess time will tell if they turn out to be monsters, but so far they seem like they're on a good trajectory.

who are these people who claim that men can "have it all" without anyone noticing. they can have as much as women. no one can have it all, all at the same time without some serious luck or timing. if you have a 60 hour career you probably care a good amount for your kids but, no, you aren't going to have as much family togetherness time as you probably want. if you are o my at work 40 hours a week you probably are going to middle out (or may be choosing that) , marriage needs time in there too. you can be doing well and be happy in all of those but no, you can't be crushing each one, without at least seeing others pass you in a way, which is life.

men don't get to magically have extra hours in the day. I think we are at least getting to a point where men are considering this too, not just assumed to not want to do the "home stuff" bc they are men.

Anonymous wrote:Get someone to manage your home, separate from child care. This may be 20 hrs/week thru full time. Get someone for laundry 1x/week. The house manager might prepare meals too. Just staff up - you'll know when it is enough.

+1

Who are you people? I am in my fifties and know many women who have/had very successful careers and happy families. You all need to get out a bit. Or broaden your circle beyond Starbucks and the gym.

I have a "big" job and kids are 8 and 4. I can also use the mentoring as I certainly feel under water from time to time, but I'll also share what works for me (so far, and most of the time):

- Yes, outsource everything and buy as much as you can online. My amazing nanny runs my household and she does all of the errands while kids are in school. Drop off Amazon returns, pick up kids' uniforms and dance clothes, get the car's oil changed, etc. I never grocery shop. I don't even meal plan - we use Green Chef or Sunburst or we eat fishsticks and tacos. We cook a big meal on Sundays from scratch.

- Spend regular, quality time with kids. I NEVER work from 5-9 pm, unless I'm traveling. I eat with the kids, do bedtime routine, and I read to them every evening even though the 8 year old could read to herself.

- Spend quality time with the kids when they need it. I take them to lunch or dinner, sometimes one on one, and just talk. We also do a lot of good talking and listening in the car. I try to put my phone on the charging station and ignore it so that I'm present when I'm with them. Sometimes I fail at this, but it is a big goal of mine.

- I make time for the kids' activities during the day. Fortunately, I have a good deal of flexibility (not all careers permit for this), so I schedule their doctor appointments, school library parent days, music talent shows and the like on my work calendar and I make it to almost everything. Usually this means I have to make up for lost work hours at night and the downside of this is that I rarely sleep more than 5 hours a night. Not saying this is a good approach, as it's pretty unhealthy, but it makes me feel better that I don't miss the kids' events.

- Even though I make the above happen, my kids will ALWAYS say something like, "I don't want you to go to work. Why can't you stay home with me?" and I feel like a knife in the heart. Of course they don't say that to DH and they don't say it all the time. But they're little, and they want mom and they will always say that, no matter how much time I'm able to spend with them. I have to tell myself that it's OK. And I have to force myself to believe it, though sometimes that is hard and I worry I'm not doing enough. The mom-guilt is real but it doesn't mean that I'm doing a bad job.

- Acknowledge that I will never be 100% at anything. Sad fact, but true. I cannot be perfect at everything, so I plan my kids bday parties at the last minute and we aren't very pinteresty, I don't have time to shop for myself, I am terrible with birthday gifts, we eat out more than we should, I feel guilty a good amount of the time, Dh and I don't have as much sex as we should, I don't do as much of the 'extra' stuff with work that I should to further my career. I'm not 100% on anything, but I'm doing pretty good on most stuff and when something slips too much, I re-prioritize and fix that piece.

- Be unapologetic about your family priorities at work. As one of the PPs posted, never apologize for your kids. Apologizing gives the impression there is something to apologize for. Take care of your family priorities without apology and then take care of your work priorities. You may feel stressed and like you're falling behind, but chances are the people around you think, "wow, she is a good mom and still gets her sh*T done. That's impressive."

- delegate more and develop a team at work, if possible. This is the part I am utterly failing at, but I am making this a priority for the year.

Good luck, OP.

I agree with what the others have said, especially 10:54.

I have a super demanding job with a Fortune 100 company. Because my company is global, I tend to manage my hours accordingly.

Early in the AM, I take care of anything dealing with Europe. I keep 4:00 pm - 8:00 pm open for kids. After 9:00 pm, I log on from home and deal with Asia. Works great and everyone gets a quick response.

Agree 100% about keeping a very organized calendar and put everything on one calendar.

Also, make sure your inbox is well-organized too.

For home, I have a full-time housekeeper who does all laundry, grocery shopping and meal prep.

Along the lines of what PP else said, I have known very senior people I've worked for to have had something like a dentist appointment but when asked, just say: I have a meeting out of the office.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you just have to make your choices in life. Like most of us. Just remember, you never ever will be able to have a happy family, healthy smart kids and successful carrier. Something will fail. I don't know what and I don't know when. But it always fails. I've seen so many families when husband finally begin cheating because this is not what he signed for, or kids develop ADHD or other health issues. Or your kids raised by nanny will never have a relations with you once they become an adults. It will catch up eventually. You just need to set your priorities now and never look back. If career is one of them, it is totally fine. It is great! But don't expect to have it all. I am much older and my kids are grown up, so I've seen it all. Whatever you choose, good luck to you!

wtf! of course she can have a happy family and career success. Your perspective is decades old.

She's actually dead on correct. I'm in my late 30's and agree completely with her assessment.

This completely ignores the downsides of being the primary breadwinner for the male. Middle-aged educated white males are dying more than any other group - alcohol and drug abuse rates are staggering for this group, not to mention obesity. Get your head out of your ass. The old model of dad working and not being a parent while the mom raises kids didn't work.

You need to spend less time with your kids. I say this as an SAHM. No irony intended. The world needs you more. People don't want to hear that anyone can raise children. The upper classes have known this for centuries. This world is better served by you doing medical research than by making your kids' lunches. Believe me.

OP, I'm a C-level exec in one of the 10 largest healthcare systems in the country. I am the top level exec for the largest component of the company. I also have 2 happy, smart, well-adjusted and high achieving kids. You have gotten a lot of good advice, but here's my 2 cents:

1. Yes, do outsource the mundane - cleaning, mowing, lunches, etc. If daycare/school offers lunch - buy it.

2. keep 1 calendar (one of my mentors told me this) You can't juggle a personal and a work calendar separately.

3. Book your kid time - I used to block out 11:00-1:00 one day a month to serve as the 'lunch angel' at my kid's school. Block it out under something and put "off-site meeting" or some other code. Tell your admin or whomever "I have an appointment away from the office" and go. Ditto for all your kids activities and appointments. Schedule them and give them a code name so you know what it is.

4. Foster a climate in your department that values family. Several years ago I said to my boss "I'm sorry, but my daughter is sick, the nurse called, I have to go pick her up from school" My boss said "Don't apologize for your kids, children are not mistakes... go take care of your daughter and I hope she is ok" This woman was the mom of 5 who was the C-suite exec in my dept at the time.

5. Figure out a process that works for dinner. We always had family dinner around 6:30 -7:00 every night. It wasn't fancy, tacos, soup and grilled cheese, spaghetti, etc. but I meal-planned, shopped and prepped on the weekend, took advantage of pre-prepped stuff at Wegmans, etc. and we sat down together as a family.

6. Delegate your butt off at work. I have 8 VPs that work for me, I delegate most work to them and I provide oversight, interface with the board and CEO, remove obstacles, make big decisions, set strategy, etc. I don't get into the weeds. I delegate, follow up and hold accountable.

7. Birthday parties, etc. you need to keep it simple and use a place that offers full-service, that provides cake, pizza, etc. Most of the popular kid places will do this. If you want to do a family party just do a sunday afternoon BBQ, grill some burgers, put baked beans in the oven, ask MIL to bring a salad, get a cake at Giant.

8. Don't pay attention to the people saying negative things. My kids are awesome people, they work hard, make good grades and excel at activities. DS is a sophomore at a highly competitive college, he plays football and has a 3.7 GPA coming out of Freshman year. DD is 9th grade, she made the field hockey team, has terrific grades and has told me many times that I'm her role model for being a good mom

9. Most important thing - DH has to be a good, supportive partner. If he's another child then its not going to work no matter what you do. He has to be willing to share kid stuff, help plan vacations, run interference with his family when necessary. and just overall support you. Mine has moved twice for my career advancement, he was happy to eat leftovers 5 days a week when I was in grad school, etc.

10. Be kind to your admin. She/he will cover for you when you run out to the afternoon piano recital... or not.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like you're kicking ass and taking names. I applaud you. The only suggestions I can add to the good advice you've received is in regard to your work assistant. I'm in law, so different field, but the best assistants I've seen are the ones who are on point with regard to (1) handling the phone and (2) travel. Make sure your assistant knows how to put anyone through to your cell phone and how to coordinate calls among multiple parties even when you're out of the office. I know you said you have no commute, but if you're in the car even 10-20 min for a doc appt or something, that's time you can be taking care of calls (work or personal). For travel, your assistant should be able to make your arrangements, know your preferences, confirm everything in advance, handle cancelled/rescheduled flights smoothly, and take care of your receipts upon return.

In my personal opinion and from what I have seen, kids often need their parents more as they get older and have more complicated problems. My loose goal/desire is to work hard now (kids are early elem through babyhood) to give me the flexibility to scale back somewhat as I get older. Ideally I could be home, working from home or not, around 4-5pm every evening once my kids are all school-bus age. Currently I'm home by 6:15-6:30 and youngest child goes to bed by 7:00, which I'm hoping I can work on over the next 5-10 yrs.

GL OP!

I only have one 5 year old so I'm far from an expert, but it seems to me that as the kids get older, quality and regularity of time is more important than quantity. So you don't have to scale back hours, but rather flex your hours so you can be home every night (most nights) for a quality dinner and bedtime routine (at least 1.5 hours). That said, I also find there's a lot of value in spending entire, unprogrammed days with my kid. If you can combine having regular quality time, and keep at least one weekend day totally free for family, I think that'd be a good life.

This is PP, and your post is along the lines of what I'm thinking/hoping. Not necessarily less hours overall, but flex them so I can be home by 4pm and finish up there while kids come home. If they want to talk/hang, I'm around and can further postpone work; if not, I'll just be in the background. Plus, I am in the DC area so leaving to get home by 4pm means a 25 min commute rather than a 45-55 min commute. Ah, to dream.

OP, there are a lot of similarities between your life and mine, though I'm in public policy, which I consider to be a bit more flexible than medical research. I have three children under the age of 7, and a spouse with flexible hours (but like yours, very busy). The thing that has worked for me is that since having children, I've worked very hard (and purposefully) to manage expectations. That means that even if I am checking my email all the time, I will not respond during off hours unless it is critical to. I will respond and tee up emails, but not send them until the next morning. This has gone very far in helping with work/life balance, and I've never had an issue (I've continued to get big promotions even after I continue to add children). You have to back this up, of course, with providing colleagues and supervisors the confidence that you will get your job done, and that nothing will fall through the cracks (and that you will be accessible in an emergency). Oh, and I have to have someone clean my house.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to accept hiring help is the cost of the job. We have a full time nanny (50 hours per week) even though our DCs are now 7 and 10. We tried going with a part time nanny when they were in school full time but it was a disaster. Finding the right nanny is key to making everything work. We also have a cleaning service every other week and regularly use peapod. Fortunately, my DH loves to cook so that isn't an issue. Our nanny does everyone's laundry, car pooling, dinner several times a week and straightens the house every day.

The bonus of a sr. position is that if I need time off to handle school events, dr. appt, etc I usually have enough control of my schedule to take the time off. Between DH and I we always attend important events.

Kids are happy and healthy and we have a strong marriage.

This is pretty much it. It's very possible to juggle this type of life if you hire out someone to do all the parenting work for you. Some women don't mind this, but for the mothers who actually want to be more hands on (which I suspect is most) A "big job" just does not allow for it. You have to decide what type of mother you want to be.

it's called childcare. most working women to it; and until recently, most men just assumed their wives would do it. the "type of mother" OP will be is an amazing mother.

Anonymous wrote:OP, sounds like you're kicking ass and taking names. I applaud you. The only suggestions I can add to the good advice you've received is in regard to your work assistant. I'm in law, so different field, but the best assistants I've seen are the ones who are on point with regard to (1) handling the phone and (2) travel. Make sure your assistant knows how to put anyone through to your cell phone and how to coordinate calls among multiple parties even when you're out of the office. I know you said you have no commute, but if you're in the car even 10-20 min for a doc appt or something, that's time you can be taking care of calls (work or personal). For travel, your assistant should be able to make your arrangements, know your preferences, confirm everything in advance, handle cancelled/rescheduled flights smoothly, and take care of your receipts upon return.

In my personal opinion and from what I have seen, kids often need their parents more as they get older and have more complicated problems. My loose goal/desire is to work hard now (kids are early elem through babyhood) to give me the flexibility to scale back somewhat as I get older. Ideally I could be home, working from home or not, around 4-5pm every evening once my kids are all school-bus age. Currently I'm home by 6:15-6:30 and youngest child goes to bed by 7:00, which I'm hoping I can work on over the next 5-10 yrs.

GL OP!

I only have one 5 year old so I'm far from an expert, but it seems to me that as the kids get older, quality and regularity of time is more important than quantity. So you don't have to scale back hours, but rather flex your hours so you can be home every night (most nights) for a quality dinner and bedtime routine (at least 1.5 hours). That said, I also find there's a lot of value in spending entire, unprogrammed days with my kid. If you can combine having regular quality time, and keep at least one weekend day totally free for family, I think that'd be a good life.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why on earth do you want that life?

you'd never ask a man that ...

Yes, because most people realize that there are innate biological differences between men and women. And those innate differences would cause most women to hate having a lifestyle like that while their children are growing up.

Ok well, then I guess you won't be able to avail yourself of the medical advances OP is going to make in her lab.