Anonymous
Post 07/04/2017 18:24     Subject: Blended family mess
I have read the whole thread and the BF's son sounds a bit like mine: an only, somewhat spoiled, doesn't particularly like sports. The only difference is I make him do a sport or a physical activity (he can swim). I can totally see him throwing a tantrum (no, I don't let him boss other kids, but he tries to, sometimes). All this is to say that if I wanted to blend a family with someone who is really into sports, it would probably be difficult to say the least.
I think you must just see each other without the kids, if at all. Depends on your goals. I would never ever even think about blending families, but to each their own, of course.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2017 18:21     Subject: Re:Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Blended families take time and effort, no doubt about it. I've read your posts and it sounds like you're trying hard. I agree with the poster about doing family outings (water slide, putt putt, hiking, canoeing on the river, movie night, game night, basketball outside or at a nearby rec, etc) to help build associations at least.

The only thing I'm wondering about is...you said your younger son goes off to do his own thing. That makes sense because he is in his house and has a bedroom and playroom, etc. Yet your BF's son basically is a "guest" in your house. He doesn't have a bedroom or playroom or someplace he can go. He is probably stuck in the living room or family room with the two of you watching every move. That stinks for a little boy. I would think about this dynamic and see if you can change any thing so that the boy has his own space.


Ugh. I've been the BF's child and in a situation described above starting as a tween. Awful. Would BF's son live with you full time? If not, I hope you and BF have a place for the child when you're married. Nothing like hanging out with the step family when their off doing their own thing and you're stuck in the living room away from friends and no space to put down a book. Even being subjected to the pool makes me shudder. My brother and I went, and behaved, but it was yet another "cold" place for us. We were expected to behave and smile, and we did as we were told, but there was no upside for doing so.



My house is plenty big for him to have his own bedroom. He never brings anything with him but I have plenty of stuff that kids like, from video games to art stuff to a nice place to hang out outside.


What is BF's relationship with his kid like? Does he ever spend time alone with him? That was another huge issue for us. Is his time with his son limited to
Group time with you and your kids? Does BF actually engage with his kid?
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2017 18:11     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:OP here, thanks for your responses. Kids are six and seven. We have not found any activities they both like, and BF feels my DS is snubbing his by going off and doing things he wants to do. I make sure my kid shares his toys, make sure there are snacks his kid likes, and basically do all the work so that his kid is happy. But BF is not happy.


This is a huge huge red flag re: boyfriend. He is demanding and infantile. The hosting is all on you, his kid is supposed to be entertained by yours, etc. How is he even helping you to have a better, easier life? If he doesn't, why do you need him???
The rule for my child is to be polite with the other kids he shares space and time with. He doesn't have to entertain them, he doesn't have to play with them. He cannot be rude and he has to be polite. But he if he didn't ask for a kid to play with him, why should he?
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2017 18:02     Subject: Re:Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Blended families take time and effort, no doubt about it. I've read your posts and it sounds like you're trying hard. I agree with the poster about doing family outings (water slide, putt putt, hiking, canoeing on the river, movie night, game night, basketball outside or at a nearby rec, etc) to help build associations at least.

The only thing I'm wondering about is...you said your younger son goes off to do his own thing. That makes sense because he is in his house and has a bedroom and playroom, etc. Yet your BF's son basically is a "guest" in your house. He doesn't have a bedroom or playroom or someplace he can go. He is probably stuck in the living room or family room with the two of you watching every move. That stinks for a little boy. I would think about this dynamic and see if you can change any thing so that the boy has his own space.


Ugh. I've been the BF's child and in a situation described above starting as a tween. Awful. Would BF's son live with you full time? If not, I hope you and BF have a place for the child when you're married. Nothing like hanging out with the step family when their off doing their own thing and you're stuck in the living room away from friends and no space to put down a book. Even being subjected to the pool makes me shudder. My brother and I went, and behaved, but it was yet another "cold" place for us. We were expected to behave and smile, and we did as we were told, but there was no upside for doing so.



My house is plenty big for him to have his own bedroom. He never brings anything with him but I have plenty of stuff that kids like, from video games to art stuff to a nice place to hang out outside.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2017 17:26     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:As my mother used to say, 'It doesn't get better.'



Agreed. Blended family situations only get worse.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2017 17:21     Subject: Re:Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:Blended families take time and effort, no doubt about it. I've read your posts and it sounds like you're trying hard. I agree with the poster about doing family outings (water slide, putt putt, hiking, canoeing on the river, movie night, game night, basketball outside or at a nearby rec, etc) to help build associations at least.

The only thing I'm wondering about is...you said your younger son goes off to do his own thing. That makes sense because he is in his house and has a bedroom and playroom, etc. Yet your BF's son basically is a "guest" in your house. He doesn't have a bedroom or playroom or someplace he can go. He is probably stuck in the living room or family room with the two of you watching every move. That stinks for a little boy. I would think about this dynamic and see if you can change any thing so that the boy has his own space.


Ugh. I've been the BF's child and in a situation described above starting as a tween. Awful. Would BF's son live with you full time? If not, I hope you and BF have a place for the child when you're married. Nothing like hanging out with the step family when their off doing their own thing and you're stuck in the living room away from friends and no space to put down a book. Even being subjected to the pool makes me shudder. My brother and I went, and behaved, but it was yet another "cold" place for us. We were expected to behave and smile, and we did as we were told, but there was no upside for doing so.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2017 17:14     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you are both showing a lack of empathy for how difficult this situation must be for one another's kids. How would you feel if all of a sudden, someone forced you to host another adult in your house who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to? Conversely, how would you feel if you were repeatedly forced to go to the home of another adult who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to, and hang out with that person?


NP. I don't understand the comparison. No one forces adults to do anything. Kids do what their parents say. That is part of the parent/ child division. Kids do not control what happens in a house.


P.S. Nor should they.


I guess you were never a child in a blended family. There is a huge difference between a kid having to do chores, and all of a sudden having a new family structure. It's traumatic (and likely preceded by trauma as well).


No, I wasn't, because my parents had more sense.


Your parents had more sense than to die young? Wow, didn't know that worked.
Anonymous
Post 07/04/2017 16:47     Subject: Blended family mess
Make. BF plan and execute the next outing. Tell him you've run out of ideas to entertain BF's son and you and your son would like to join them for whatever he usually does with his son. Shift the burden so he can see what it's like.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 22:59     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:We can't have playdates at BFs place at all for several reasons,

Why not? Who is he living with that you and your child can't go over to his home?

OP here, we were planning to get married in the next year or so, but that's on indefinite hold for various reasons (this is the big one though). I would be happy dating indefinitely but I don't think BF would be interested in that.

Is your BF's main interest finding a new wife to raise his son?
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 22:58     Subject: Re:Blended family mess
I think you are both showing a lack of empathy for how difficult this situation must be for one another's kids. How would you feel if all of a sudden, someone forced you to host another adult in your house who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to? Conversely, how would you feel if you were repeatedly forced to go to the home of another adult who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to, and hang out with that person?


NP. I don't understand the comparison. No one forces adults to do anything. Kids do what their parents say. That is part of the parent/ child division. Kids do not control what happens in a house.


P.S. Nor should they.


I'm assuming you are being deliberately obtuse to invoke an argument. No one is saying that kids should control what happens in the house. It is a difficult situation to be forced to repeatedly hang out with someone (adult or child) that you don't get along with, and it isn't going to bring out the best behavior in either kid.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 22:54     Subject: Blended family mess
As my mother used to say, 'It doesn't get better.'
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 22:43     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Break up this is not a good match. I applaud your boyfriend for putting his son first. Too many guys meet a woman and then jettison their original family. You need to find a guy with no kids or with kids that work with your kids. He needs to do the same. The kids are the most important thing. If everyone has to stay single to put their kids first they should.


This guy doesn't sound like he's doing much parenting at all. Amazing how the OP has to do all the work while he sits in a chair, yet you applaud him...


Some people would say the dad/BF is hands off. Others would say lazy.

I think OP's BF is selfish, with regard to himself and his son. He lets his son make the decisions, that's not going to change if OP and BF marry. A selfish person isn't a good romantic partner and a worse choice for a spouse.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 22:41     Subject: Blended family mess
Sounds like he is using you and your son to entertain his child during visitation.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 22:11     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you are both showing a lack of empathy for how difficult this situation must be for one another's kids. How would you feel if all of a sudden, someone forced you to host another adult in your house who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to? Conversely, how would you feel if you were repeatedly forced to go to the home of another adult who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to, and hang out with that person?


NP. I don't understand the comparison. No one forces adults to do anything. Kids do what their parents say. That is part of the parent/ child division. Kids do not control what happens in a house.


P.S. Nor should they.


I guess you were never a child in a blended family. There is a huge difference between a kid having to do chores, and all of a sudden having a new family structure. It's traumatic (and likely preceded by trauma as well).


No, I wasn't, because my parents had more sense.
Anonymous
Post 07/03/2017 22:08     Subject: Blended family mess
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I think you are both showing a lack of empathy for how difficult this situation must be for one another's kids. How would you feel if all of a sudden, someone forced you to host another adult in your house who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to? Conversely, how would you feel if you were repeatedly forced to go to the home of another adult who you didn't really enjoy spending time with and had little to say to, and hang out with that person?


NP. I don't understand the comparison. No one forces adults to do anything. Kids do what their parents say. That is part of the parent/ child division. Kids do not control what happens in a house.


P.S. Nor should they.


I guess you were never a child in a blended family. There is a huge difference between a kid having to do chores, and all of a sudden having a new family structure. It's traumatic (and likely preceded by trauma as well).