^^ or my husbands paycheck

I think for me, being a single parent comes down to it's all on me--all the time.

I don't get the benefit of an extra check, be it child support of my husbands paycheck.

I am responsible for making sure there is a roof over our heads, food on the table, medical insurance, and enough left over for the "fun" things in life.

I am responsible for coordinating the IEP meetings, the tutors, the neuropsych and the associated fees. I'm the one that has to advocate for my child and listen to what the professionals are telling me and try to make sense of it the best I can. I'm the one that has to take time off of work to attend the meetings. When there are snow days, I take the days off--there's no splitting the time.

I'm responsible for funding the 529 and retirement accounts.

When I'm sick, there is no one else to step in and get the kids to school. If I want a night out, I pay for a sitter. If a meeting comes up at work that's early or late, I have to figure out childcare. If I have to travel, I have to figure out childcare. If I lose my job, there is savings, but I better figure out something fast.

The logistics of life are easy. Getting multiple kids to different places at the same time, I can do that from the carpool line. It's really the weight of the "buck stops here"--there is no safety net to fall back on. In that respect, I often think this must be how the sole provider in a 2 parent household must feel.

Anonymous wrote:It strikes me as super odd that the group being "related to" (single parents) keeps saying "you don't understand" and "your experience isn't like mine" and yet the majority group (partnered parents) keeps insisting they do. I think it's a good rule that ANY time a minority group tells you you aren't accurately understanding their experience, you back off and listen rather than insisting that you DO understand (and they are just wrong about your experience not relating to theirs). That can apply to disability or parenting or anything, really.

But nobody has the exact same experience. What if you're married to an invalid or a douchebag? What if you're a widow with an awesome live-in nanny? What if you're rich? What if you're poor? What if you only have one kid vs four?

The widow with military benefits just might have an easier time than a divorcee with a deadbeat ex...at least the widow has financial stability.

This thread is gross. This isn't a competition. You do you.

It strikes me as super odd that the group being "related to" (single parents) keeps saying "you don't understand" and "your experience isn't like mine" and yet the majority group (partnered parents) keeps insisting they do. I think it's a good rule that ANY time a minority group tells you you aren't accurately understanding their experience, you back off and listen rather than insisting that you DO understand (and they are just wrong about your experience not relating to theirs). That can apply to disability or parenting or anything, really.

Anonymous wrote:Three Saturdays from now she'll get a break??? Seriously, you're thinking that that means someone can't relate to you in SOME WAYS as the post said. That's like saying a person who went through 3 weeks on and one week off of chemo has no way of relating to her friend going thru chemo that is 4 weeks on. Come on now...

She can relate in some ways. You seriously don't see that?

Yes, I see that the two people can relate on the logistics taking care of all of the parenting tasks when there is just one parent, but what folks aren't understanding is that that's only a tiny part of what it means to be a single parent. In this example, for instance, there's a HUGE difference between knowing that you will get a break at some point and knowing that it's all on you, always, forever. Huge.

Anonymous wrote:Similarly, poor parents, single or not, relate to similar issues. Unemployed parents relate to similar issues. Parents dealing with a seriously ill spouse/SO, relate to similar issues. Get it?

Yes, of course single parents can relate to other parents. Of course there are experiences that are universal to all parents, and experiences that are shared between some parents and not others.

But it's a little weird to say that you should therefore call a parent something that they aren't, because they share some experiences.

I'm an atheist parent. In some ways, as a parent of a kid who is a religious minority, I share experiences with Hindu parents. But I don't go around saying, I'm a Hindu parent, because that would be weird. I also share some experiences with people whose spouses are deployed. Of course, I do, but I don't go around saying I'm the spouse of someone who is deployed, because that would be offensive.

I'm also a single parent. There are single parents out there who have radically different experiences than I do. I have a friend who is a single parent with a giant trust fund. She is a "SAHM" but her kid goes to boarding school (I am not joking). She and I do not share all that many parenting experiences, but that doesn't change the fact that she's a single mom and I'm a single mom. Because neither of us is married or partnered. That is what makes us single moms.

I also think, as someone who provides almost everything for my child (I'll give the government credit for the public education), that the part of parenting that involves earning money, and putting a roof over someone's head, and food on the table, is an incredibly important part of parenting. I know that the work that I do at home, whether it's driving to soccer practice, or going over fractions, or making a meal, is very important to my kid, but it's not more or less important than the work I do at my job to make sure he's provided for. When someone says "I do it all for my kids", and they aren't the one doing that incredibly important second job, or they aren't the only person doing that incredibly important second job, it's a little demeaning to that other spouse.

Anonymous wrote:If someone is parenting alone most of the time whether it is due to divorce, military deployment, parent working, deceased other parent, ill other parent, etc, as a group, those people are dealing with similar issues. Period. I'm not talking about divorced where both parents are involved or parents work but are in town. If one parent is doing the majority of homework, child raising, decision making, discipline, chauffeuring, household stuff, holidays, etc alone...yes, you relate on some level to the same issues.

Oh yeah, like those SAHMs whose husbands earn gobs of money as they travel the world. Life is so hard as a pampered woman, y'all!

Three Saturdays from now she'll get a break??? Seriously, you're thinking that that means someone can't relate to you in SOME WAYS as the post said. That's like saying a person who went through 3 weeks on and one week off of chemo has no way of relating to her friend going thru chemo that is 4 weeks on. Come on now...

She can relate in some ways. You seriously don't see that?

Anonymous wrote:If someone is parenting alone most of the time whether it is due to divorce, military deployment, parent working, deceased other parent, ill other parent, etc, as a group, those people are dealing with similar issues. Period. I'm not talking about divorced where both parents are involved or parents work but are in town. If one parent is doing the majority of homework, child raising, decision making, discipline, chauffeuring, household stuff, holidays, etc alone...yes, you relate on some level to the same issues.

Clearly someone who is not single wrote the above. NP and nooooo -- this is what partnered parents don't understand. You don't know my life just because you have the logistical challenges of doing 100% of the work sometimes. You don't get it, and that's ok, but why do you keep insisting that you DO get it when the single folks tell you you don't?

Does the woman above who has kids who need to be in different places at the same time have the benefit of her husband's paycheck? When her son broke his arm, if he needed surgery and there were two options, could she talk that through with the child's father, who is equally invested in a good outcome? When she's having a hard week, does she know that although she might do 95% of the parenting work at her house, three Saturdays from now her husband will be home and she'll get a tiny break, even if it's just an hour? I don't have any of that. And I'm not complaining but don't tell me you can relate.

Similarly, poor parents, single or not, relate to similar issues. Unemployed parents relate to similar issues. Parents dealing with a seriously ill spouse/SO, relate to similar issues. Get it?

If someone is parenting alone most of the time whether it is due to divorce, military deployment, parent working, deceased other parent, ill other parent, etc, as a group, those people are dealing with similar issues. Period. I'm not talking about divorced where both parents are involved or parents work but are in town. If one parent is doing the majority of homework, child raising, decision making, discipline, chauffeuring, household stuff, holidays, etc alone...yes, you relate on some level to the same issues.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you people seriously fighting over whether divorced parents with an ex who makes some financial and time commitment to a child deserve to be called single parents? That is just sad.

This and I'm not a divorced, widowed and I didn't have a child out of wedlock. Generally, those people have the same types of issues. My husband is gone for work about 21 days a month...as in across the country, for years and years like this. I have these same issues.

Does "I have these same issues" mean you have the same issues as the divorced be widowed parents because your husband travels for 21 days? FFS.

Yes, I do. Let's see: older kid is in a play at school at 2 and younger kid has the flu and needs to be home. Issue is no one can watch older kid. Two kids have games and I can't get them to both. I have a migraine and kids have homework. I have zero...zero...help with dishes, laundry, banking, discipline, childcare, transporting, sick visits, dental visits, etc 3/4 of each month. Maybe divorced parents don't have those issues...I do. I have no one else to rely on...no one...the majority of the time. Ie younger kid broke arm at recess. Do you know what that was like for me to figure out who could get older kid? It meant older kid missed soccer tournament and instead went home with another family (my emergency contact friend) who had to bring the kid to her kid's karate class. Would that happen at your home or at your home do you have a second parent that can pitch in much of the time when you're in a bind?

"Out of wedlock" was just a way to describe it.

Sorry, I'm an actual single parent, and those things aren't even on my radar as the hard parts of being a single parent. Those things are just parenting.

Having to make a difficult medical decision between something that sucks, and something that might suck a little more or a little less and will have lifetime implications, 100% or own your own, or in partnership with someone you hate and don't trust?

Knowing that your income is the only thing that's keeping your medically needy kid in health insurance, or a roof over their head, so you go to work even though it means making daycare choices that make you really uncomfortable.

Those things are being a single parent. If you're parenting with someone who loves you, and loves your kids, and shares your values, and contributes substantially to household expenses, and is available by phone in an emergency, then you have zero idea what it's like to be a single parent.

+1 It sounds like some of those issues were hard for YOU because you aren't actually a single parent and don't have to deal with situations like that as often, whereas PP notes that these situations wouldn't even faze her as an actual single parent.

Sorry...this is ridiculous. You say, "Sorry, I'm an actual single parent, and those things aren't even on my radar as the hard parts of being a single parent. Those things are just parenting.

Having to make a difficult medical decision between something that sucks, and something that might suck a little more or a little less and will have lifetime implications, 100% or own your own, or in partnership with someone you hate and don't trust?

Knowing that your income is the only thing that's keeping your medically needy kid in health insurance, or a roof over their head, so you go to work even though it means making daycare choices that make you really uncomfortable." A happily married couple can have this heartbreaking decision. Making tough decisions are sometimes made between spouses just getting over cheating or one in the throws of addiction or when they hate each other. You're making this very black and white.

And if you're making a difficulty decision between spouses, it's different than making it alone. I'm not saying it's always harder or always easier. I agree 100% that, as a single parent I will never have to deal with a cheating spouse. Because that's a married person issue.

But the definition of "single parent" isn't that it's hard. It's that your single, and have issues specific to being single.

This is a black and white issue. People who are single and parents are single parents. People who are married or partnered or not parents are not single parents.

But having more kids that should ideally go places than there are currently adults available to take them? That's an issue faced by all sorts of parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you people seriously fighting over whether divorced parents with an ex who makes some financial and time commitment to a child deserve to be called single parents? That is just sad.

This and I'm not a divorced, widowed and I didn't have a child out of wedlock. Generally, those people have the same types of issues. My husband is gone for work about 21 days a month...as in across the country, for years and years like this. I have these same issues.

Does "I have these same issues" mean you have the same issues as the divorced be widowed parents because your husband travels for 21 days? FFS.

Yes, I do. Let's see: older kid is in a play at school at 2 and younger kid has the flu and needs to be home. Issue is no one can watch older kid. Two kids have games and I can't get them to both. I have a migraine and kids have homework. I have zero...zero...help with dishes, laundry, banking, discipline, childcare, transporting, sick visits, dental visits, etc 3/4 of each month. Maybe divorced parents don't have those issues...I do. I have no one else to rely on...no one...the majority of the time. Ie younger kid broke arm at recess. Do you know what that was like for me to figure out who could get older kid? It meant older kid missed soccer tournament and instead went home with another family (my emergency contact friend) who had to bring the kid to her kid's karate class. Would that happen at your home or at your home do you have a second parent that can pitch in much of the time when you're in a bind?

"Out of wedlock" was just a way to describe it.

Sorry, I'm an actual single parent, and those things aren't even on my radar as the hard parts of being a single parent. Those things are just parenting.

Having to make a difficult medical decision between something that sucks, and something that might suck a little more or a little less and will have lifetime implications, 100% or own your own, or in partnership with someone you hate and don't trust?

Knowing that your income is the only thing that's keeping your medically needy kid in health insurance, or a roof over their head, so you go to work even though it means making daycare choices that make you really uncomfortable.

Those things are being a single parent. If you're parenting with someone who loves you, and loves your kids, and shares your values, and contributes substantially to household expenses, and is available by phone in an emergency, then you have zero idea what it's like to be a single parent.

+1 It sounds like some of those issues were hard for YOU because you aren't actually a single parent and don't have to deal with situations like that as often, whereas PP notes that these situations wouldn't even faze her as an actual single parent.

Sorry...this is ridiculous. You say, "Sorry, I'm an actual single parent, and those things aren't even on my radar as the hard parts of being a single parent. Those things are just parenting.

Having to make a difficult medical decision between something that sucks, and something that might suck a little more or a little less and will have lifetime implications, 100% or own your own, or in partnership with someone you hate and don't trust?

Knowing that your income is the only thing that's keeping your medically needy kid in health insurance, or a roof over their head, so you go to work even though it means making daycare choices that make you really uncomfortable." A happily married couple can have this heartbreaking decision. Making tough decisions are sometimes made between spouses just getting over cheating or one in the throws of addiction or when they hate each other. You're making this very black and white.

Is this really a competition? I don't think so.

To me, a single parent is a single person (i.e.: not in a relationship) who has kids.

Both widows and divorcees are single parents. Again, it's not a competition.

"Is Beth single?"

"No, she's divorced."

"Um, if she isn't dating anyone then she's single, right?"

"I guess so. Whatever. Who cares?"

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are you people seriously fighting over whether divorced parents with an ex who makes some financial and time commitment to a child deserve to be called single parents? That is just sad.

This and I'm not a divorced, widowed and I didn't have a child out of wedlock. Generally, those people have the same types of issues. My husband is gone for work about 21 days a month...as in across the country, for years and years like this. I have these same issues.

Does "I have these same issues" mean you have the same issues as the divorced be widowed parents because your husband travels for 21 days? FFS.

Yes, I do. Let's see: older kid is in a play at school at 2 and younger kid has the flu and needs to be home. Issue is no one can watch older kid. Two kids have games and I can't get them to both. I have a migraine and kids have homework. I have zero...zero...help with dishes, laundry, banking, discipline, childcare, transporting, sick visits, dental visits, etc 3/4 of each month. Maybe divorced parents don't have those issues...I do. I have no one else to rely on...no one...the majority of the time. Ie younger kid broke arm at recess. Do you know what that was like for me to figure out who could get older kid? It meant older kid missed soccer tournament and instead went home with another family (my emergency contact friend) who had to bring the kid to her kid's karate class. Would that happen at your home or at your home do you have a second parent that can pitch in much of the time when you're in a bind?

"Out of wedlock" was just a way to describe it.

Sorry, I'm an actual single parent, and those things aren't even on my radar as the hard parts of being a single parent. Those things are just parenting.

Having to make a difficult medical decision between something that sucks, and something that might suck a little more or a little less and will have lifetime implications, 100% or own your own, or in partnership with someone you hate and don't trust?

Knowing that your income is the only thing that's keeping your medically needy kid in health insurance, or a roof over their head, so you go to work even though it means making daycare choices that make you really uncomfortable.

Those things are being a single parent. If you're parenting with someone who loves you, and loves your kids, and shares your values, and contributes substantially to household expenses, and is available by phone in an emergency, then you have zero idea what it's like to be a single parent.

+1 It sounds like some of those issues were hard for YOU because you aren't actually a single parent and don't have to deal with situations like that as often, whereas PP notes that these situations wouldn't even faze her as an actual single parent.