Anonymous wrote:I flirted with and pursued my husband. He adores and loves me and treats me like a queen every day. He is shy and would not have pursued me had I not made it very obviously known that I was into him.

I think the above approach works. It is not the same as "chasing" and bending over backwards. It's basically what I did. Keep in mind many men have fragile egos -- they are less like to ask out a woman if there is a chance they will be turned down. They want a sure thing - ( I am not advocating being sexually "easy")
BTW- I am struggling with how to relay this life lesson to college age daughter. Anyone been there done that?

I guess I "pursued" DH. We met through a mutual friend, I really liked him, and I made sure that we were in the same place a few times. I invited him to do a couple "friend" type things and we enjoyed each other's company. But I had just about given up that he was going to reciprocate and ask me out, so I was ready to write it off. He finally asked me out on a proper date, and things kept moving from there. I now know that he's a pretty shy and reserved guy, and because of our age difference (he's 10 years older), he liked me but it didn't occur to him that I was interested in him until the third time I reached out to him to hang out.

BUT. Later in our relationship when he started to get cold feet about getting serious, I very intentionally backed off and gave him space. I remember specifically saying "I think we could be great together, but I'm not going to sit here and try to convince you to be with me." And I meant it. I never wanted a relationship that my partner had to be coerced into. If he wasn't coming in wholeheartedly, I didn't want it. It took him a few months to work through his own stuff, but he did. When we got back together I knew that it was because it was what he truly wanted. That was 15 years ago, and our marriage is going strong. I couldn't be happier.

Anonymous wrote:I remember when the Rules and He's Just Not That Into You came out around the turn of the millennium. The idea is that you should be some mysterious woman who lets the man do all the work. Rarely call men back, the boos advised.

Many of the women who followed this advice ended up with men who had never dated a decent looker. Now those women are the breadwinners, and many of the men are stay at homes. Unless you're a supermodel, these are the only men who will pursue you with little encouragement.

Lol. Did you do some kind of study on this consisting of your mother and sisters? Who in the world are you hanging out with?

That's a pretty broad generalization there.

I remember when the Rules and He's Just Not That Into You came out around the turn of the millennium. The idea is that you should be some mysterious woman who lets the man do all the work. Rarely call men back, the boos advised.

Many of the women who followed this advice ended up with men who had never dated a decent looker. Now those women are the breadwinners, and many of the men are stay at homes. Unless you're a supermodel, these are the only men who will pursue you with little encouragement.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what you mean by pursue. I think it's fine to take the initiative and express interest or ask someone out. This is true online or in real life--approach and ask out. If the answer is anything other than a clear yes, I'd walk away.

Once you initiate and make it known you're interested by asking out, I think it pays to sit back and let him pursue.

Do you think this is gender specific? In other words, if a man asks a woman out, should he then sit back and let her pursue?

You're quoting me. I'm sorry to say this and I am glad this is an anonymous forum--but yes, I think it's usually gender-specific. I won't go so far as to go back to the "men are hunters and need to conquer" idea. But most men, either through evolutionary behavior or social indoctrination, want a bit of pursuit. I don't think women do.

That said, that is not the same thing as playing games or playing hard to get. In my case, I initiated contact and stayed engaged. I didn't hide how interested I was, but I let him set the pace initially.

Anonymous wrote:I pursued him and knew he was the one I wanted, but he thought he was doing the pursuing. Married 18 years. He is so hot, great dad, charisma and ambition all day long.

+1

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I got completely blasted when I previously posted about this on DCUM, but here goes ...

I pursued my ex- fiancé. I made the first move, I nudged toward escalating the relationship, etc. In hindsight, I see that he was flattered and swept up in the attention of someone who checked many desirable boxes - attractive, fun to be around, decent job and career prospects, family oriented. (I dared to say I was pretty on DCUM. What a bitch, I know). Anyway, it was a disaster. Despite some superficial compatibility and shared interests, we were completely unsuited for a life together and things imploded spectacularly. Deep down, I think he just didn't LIKE me, but I had desirable qualities.

When a man is interested, from my observations of my male and female friends' relationships and my successful marriage to my now-husband, he will do everything in his power to make it happen. When you pursue a man, you run the risk of him going along because you're the best option at the time.

How many of these relationships where the guy pursued the girl fail or end in divorce??

Who asked who is NOT a determinant of whether a marriage lasts.

You're right. Just sharing my observation that men who are very invested and interested are not shy about pursuing, and are more likely than women to passively "go along" when pursued, without true and deep feelings.

Anonymous wrote:Depends on what you mean by pursue. I think it's fine to take the initiative and express interest or ask someone out. This is true online or in real life--approach and ask out. If the answer is anything other than a clear yes, I'd walk away.

Once you initiate and make it known you're interested by asking out, I think it pays to sit back and let him pursue.

Do you think this is gender specific? In other words, if a man asks a woman out, should he then sit back and let her pursue?

Depends on what you mean by pursue. I think it's fine to take the initiative and express interest or ask someone out. This is true online or in real life--approach and ask out. If the answer is anything other than a clear yes, I'd walk away.

Once you initiate and make it known you're interested by asking out, I think it pays to sit back and let him pursue.

I met my DH online, and I made initial contact. I don't think we'd have found each other otherwise. In fact, he'd looked at my profile but not contacted me. I took a chance and reached out. He responded positively right away. He had multiple things going on at the time (dating-wise and with work) and just hadn't felt compelled to initiate. Once I did, though--he did the pursuing. We're both grateful to this day that I reached out.

That said, if he hadn't shown immediate interest and followed up consistently, I wouldn't have kept up the pursuit.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The women I know who did this have husbands who don't really want/appreciate them. My husband pursued me like I was the last woman on earth and still treats me that way.

+1 Same

the reverse is also true. women want to be pursued during courtship. but even after marriage, women still expect to be wooed and pursued and if that isn't done to their satisfaction, they cheat and/or end up here complaining about their deadbeat DH.

Anonymous wrote:I got completely blasted when I previously posted about this on DCUM, but here goes ...

I pursued my ex- fiancé. I made the first move, I nudged toward escalating the relationship, etc. In hindsight, I see that he was flattered and swept up in the attention of someone who checked many desirable boxes - attractive, fun to be around, decent job and career prospects, family oriented. (I dared to say I was pretty on DCUM. What a bitch, I know). Anyway, it was a disaster. Despite some superficial compatibility and shared interests, we were completely unsuited for a life together and things imploded spectacularly. Deep down, I think he just didn't LIKE me, but I had desirable qualities.

When a man is interested, from my observations of my male and female friends' relationships and my successful marriage to my now-husband, he will do everything in his power to make it happen. When you pursue a man, you run the risk of him going along because you're the best option at the time.

How many of these relationships where the guy pursued the girl fail or end in divorce??

Who asked who is NOT a determinant of whether a marriage lasts.

I've always enjoyed a challenge, but one of the most interesting things I've ever done was take a bet that I could get a guy based on his interests according to his Zodiac sign. I picked this guy whose sign totally clashed with mine (we could not stand each other), and bet my friend that I could get him to ask me out within one workweek (we didn't work together every day), by googling "How To Attract A (insert sign)." I won. He asked me out on not one, but three, dates before I tired of the game and moved on. You never know if you don't try, OP.

DW was the one who did the asking so this strategy does work. She invited me to a show and I planned a meal around it. We're both a little shy but make a great pair.

These attitudes are why women are constantly getting harassed. It's all well & good when your pursuer is someone you find attractive. But, take a creepy guy and fill his head with stories about how women play "hard to get" and how they don't want to make it "too easy," and you have the potential for something very toxic. It's why some guys don't think "no means no."

The sooner we can move away from this bullshit game playing, the better off we'll be as a society.