Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of kids grow up with divorced parents, and they manage to live successful lives. Lots of kids grow up with one or more parent who is deceased, and they also manage to live successful lives. I know this because I grew up with a parent who was shot and killed, and I have lived a successful life. I am divorced, and my kids are perfectly fine. It depends on how you raise your kids. Raise them to succeed and they will. Raise them to fail and they will. Now I will address the issue of abuse: Do you want your children to grow up thinking that abuse is ok? Because that's what you are teaching them.

Problem with that point of view is that my divorced parents THINK that I was "perfectly fine", but I was not. They have no fcking idea how seriously (in a negative sense) their divorce affected me from childhood through to this very day.

I am successful in life, but I believe I would have been much more successful if my parents hadn't gotten divorced.

Exactly. My parents would tell you all those same things, but the truth is, I concealed the impact from them. And as an adult, it is very burdensome and expensive to deal with. Divorced people don't like to acknowlesge the reality that it can have negative consequences.

And kids can't imagine or don't realize the impact that staying together in a bad marriage has on them. Kids imagine that if their parents had stayed together life would be magically perfect.

My now ex husband's parents stayed together, even though his mom was an alcoholic and substance abuser and was sent away to a mental institution for a year. Growing up in that environment damaged my ex and his life, even though it was a two parent low conflict family. When I began to see similar problems with my ex, I ended our relationship. I have no doubt that on balance the choice I made was the best one. My kids have a better life than they would have had if we stayed together.

There are terrible things that they will never really understand that they were protected from, and they, like you, might view our divorce as something selfish, but in fact, what I've done to raise them in a healthy environment was the most selfless thing I could do. It wrecked my life financially and professionally, but protected theirs.

Anonymous wrote:My husband doesn't beat me, but he's cheated, he's dishonest, he has some substance abuse/mental health issues, and he's pretty controlling and emotionally abusive. I'm considering divorce but know this can be so harmful for children. Which is worse?

Divorce. It will be hard for everybody, including the kids. But it is better than bringing them up in a toxic household. By the time I left, XH had gone from bullying and verbally abusing me to starting to do it to the kids. He still, three years later, can't stop doing it to me, but once I left he got a lot better with the kids. They have a much better relationship with him now. There are times I wish something could have worked instead of the divorce, but he absolutely would not change. I tried everything, even all kinds of individual and joint counseling. I often think I stayed too long, and I talk to my daughters all the time about making good choices in dating (they are just starting to get to an age where that is relevant).

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lots of kids grow up with divorced parents, and they manage to live successful lives. Lots of kids grow up with one or more parent who is deceased, and they also manage to live successful lives. I know this because I grew up with a parent who was shot and killed, and I have lived a successful life. I am divorced, and my kids are perfectly fine. It depends on how you raise your kids. Raise them to succeed and they will. Raise them to fail and they will. Now I will address the issue of abuse: Do you want your children to grow up thinking that abuse is ok? Because that's what you are teaching them.

Problem with that point of view is that my divorced parents THINK that I was "perfectly fine", but I was not. They have no fcking idea how seriously (in a negative sense) their divorce affected me from childhood through to this very day.

I am successful in life, but I believe I would have been much more successful if my parents hadn't gotten divorced.

Exactly. My parents would tell you all those same things, but the truth is, I concealed the impact from them. And as an adult, it is very burdensome and expensive to deal with. Divorced people don't like to acknowlesge the reality that it can have negative consequences.

I think high conflict/lack of love between parents is most damaging. He sounds like someone who should be around your children as little as possible.

Anonymous wrote:Lots of kids grow up with divorced parents, and they manage to live successful lives. Lots of kids grow up with one or more parent who is deceased, and they also manage to live successful lives. I know this because I grew up with a parent who was shot and killed, and I have lived a successful life. I am divorced, and my kids are perfectly fine. It depends on how you raise your kids. Raise them to succeed and they will. Raise them to fail and they will. Now I will address the issue of abuse: Do you want your children to grow up thinking that abuse is ok? Because that's what you are teaching them.

Problem with that point of view is that my divorced parents THINK that I was "perfectly fine", but I was not. They have no fcking idea how seriously (in a negative sense) their divorce affected me from childhood through to this very day.

I am successful in life, but I believe I would have been much more successful if my parents hadn't gotten divorced.

Anonymous wrote:

Totally agree. If you are in a low-conflict marriage, the kids probably won't even know you're unhappy unless you straight-out tell them.

You really think that? I don't agree. DH and I are in a low conflict marriage but are not compatible any more. 8 year old DS told me last week that DH and I are not like other kids parents because we never kiss or hug. I have no plans to get divorced, FWIW. DH is really argumentative, particular, and unrelaxed, but by no means abusive, and he's very invested and involved with DH.

+1

My parents had a low-conflict and extremely unhappy marriage. There was no abuse, addiction, cheating, etc. I can count the number of times that they had big blow-out screaming matches on one hand. They are good people who did whatever they needed to do in order to successfully run a household and raise two kids. However, they are also fundamentally incompatible people who agreed to a semi-arranged marriage out of familial obligation and tradition. They did their best but it was a square peg in a round hole type of situation. Extreme compromises where no one is really happy works for short-term professional goals but not long term personal ones. It made them miserable and yes, it got worse over time- especially once there were no more distractions like eldercare, childcare, etc.

Even as a young child, I could see that they were unhappy. By the time I was a teenager, I absolutely knew that I didn't want their type of marriage. Growing up in household where marriage alternated between being an obligation and a prison, I became very commitment phobic as an adult. I was genuinely afraid that I would end up like my parents.

Today, my parents are still unhappy. But now that my sibling and I are adults, they feel comfortable openly talking about their unhappiness and how much they have sacrificed for us.

Today, my parents are still unhappy. However, since my sibling and I are adults, they now feel comfortable telling about their unhappiness.

Anonymous wrote:Lots of kids grow up with divorced parents, and they manage to live successful lives. Lots of kids grow up with one or more parent who is deceased, and they also manage to live successful lives. I know this because I grew up with a parent who was shot and killed, and I have lived a successful life. I am divorced, and my kids are perfectly fine. It depends on how you raise your kids. Raise them to succeed and they will. Raise them to fail and they will. Now I will address the issue of abuse: Do you want your children to grow up thinking that abuse is ok? Because that's what you are teaching them.

My friends with divorced parents are all divorced now. All of my friends whose parents stayed together are still married. We are all in our mid-50s now.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will agree with an earlier poster who said kids don't care if you're happy. If there is anger and arguments and instability in the home, then yes it is probably best to fix it or leave. But if you two are just quietly resentful about the cheating or incompatibility or whatever, then no, the kids would probably not be better off if you divorced.

Totally agree. If you are in a low-conflict marriage, the kids probably won't even know you're unhappy unless you straight-out tell them.

+1

Lots of kids grow up with divorced parents, and they manage to live successful lives. Lots of kids grow up with one or more parent who is deceased, and they also manage to live successful lives. I know this because I grew up with a parent who was shot and killed, and I have lived a successful life. I am divorced, and my kids are perfectly fine. It depends on how you raise your kids. Raise them to succeed and they will. Raise them to fail and they will. Now I will address the issue of abuse: Do you want your children to grow up thinking that abuse is ok? Because that's what you are teaching them.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. How unhappy are we talking? If it comes down to being sad that you're not in a high quality relationship but by and large your spouse is reliable and a decent, reliable person, I say stick it out. Accept your spouse. Treat them like any other family member who you love and care for. If you lower your expectations in this way you can find immense happiness in your life. Life is not all about romance. If you keep ruminating about the one thing that is missing from your life of course you're going to be unhappy.

OP here. I would not call my husband decent or reliable. He:

-cheated on me
-lies
-is financially controlling (I have to account for every dollar I spend)
-is a bully/controlling
-forces me to apologize for any slight, real or perceived, but rarely apologizes himself
-tells me I'm too sensitive and have a perception problem
-speaks rudely and disrespectfully
-abuses alcohol

BUT sometimes he can be nice. Sometimes he's funny and humble and generous. Mostly not, though. Recently I've become so exhausted even taking my preschooler to school is too much. I dread when he comes home and weekends and try to spend as much time apart as I can. I feel trapped and I know it could be worse. He's good looking and successful and I think it would be stupid to leave.

PP here. I did not read this whole thread. I guess I was more referring to 2 recent threads where the women were essentially bored and wanted to divorce over it.

Your situation definitely sounds difficult and I personally wouldn't say divorce is out of the question for a situation such as the one you are describing. I think his being good looking and successful is not a good reason to stay in and of itself at all!!

I'm sorry. I do not know what the answer is for you but if someone is bullying you, controlling you, and actively undermining your mental health, that is not a frivolous reason to divorce and I do not think your kids would hold it against you. I hope you find the best solution for your family.

Yes, and on top of that, your child is seeing these things too. He/she is internalizing them. And on top of that, your child is dealing with your stress and distraction.

I'm sorry. The one good thing is that your child will never hold it against you. He/she already knows there are problems, even if it's subconscious.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents' divorce was a great relief to me and my sibling. I know it was hard on my mom as a single parent (and only realize that now that I'm a parent myself) but it would have been much worse if they had stayed together.

I don't believe this constant line of BS we always see on DCUM.

NO child is happy when their parents get divorced.

My parents were the "shouting and hitting each other" kind. My sibling and I were not "happy and relieved" about the divorce. We were devastated. In retrospect we see that it was inevitable but we also acknowledge that it caused us lifelong psychological damage.

You are beyond stupid and I don't care what you believe. Not only was I happy when my parents divorced in my early teens, but I actually *asked* my mother to get a divorce for many years before she did. Put that in your pipe and smoke it.

You are a fking idiot and I don't care what you believe. The scientific literature demonstrating the lifelong negative impact of divorce on children is vast and conclusive. Put that in your pipe and smoke it, bitch.

Personality disorder.

+100. She is vile.

Actually the best research on kids whose parents divorce is split. The research on one side finds negative outcomes for kids of divorce, while the other side finds that kids of divorce have similar outcomes to kids from families with not divorce-as long as the divorcing and then divorced parents can be fairly amicable and effective co-parents.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. How unhappy are we talking? If it comes down to being sad that you're not in a high quality relationship but by and large your spouse is reliable and a decent, reliable person, I say stick it out. Accept your spouse. Treat them like any other family member who you love and care for. If you lower your expectations in this way you can find immense happiness in your life. Life is not all about romance. If you keep ruminating about the one thing that is missing from your life of course you're going to be unhappy.

The specific problem a lot of people have is: by and large spouse is reliable and decent, is a good parent, and has a good income... but the sex sucks or is non-existent. What then? Accept a life of no sex or crappy sex "for the children"?

It is hard not to "ruminate" about that particular "one thing" (sex) when it's missing.

Um, cheat? It's pretty common, it's what most people do in that situation. Stay married, stay sane, keep the kid's home intact. It's not rocket science. If you can't find someone to cheat with, the problem may be you.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. How unhappy are we talking? If it comes down to being sad that you're not in a high quality relationship but by and large your spouse is reliable and a decent, reliable person, I say stick it out. Accept your spouse. Treat them like any other family member who you love and care for. If you lower your expectations in this way you can find immense happiness in your life. Life is not all about romance. If you keep ruminating about the one thing that is missing from your life of course you're going to be unhappy.

The specific problem a lot of people have is: by and large spouse is reliable and decent, is a good parent, and has a good income... but the sex sucks or is non-existent. What then? Accept a life of no sex or crappy sex "for the children"?

It is hard not to "ruminate" about that particular "one thing" (sex) when it's missing.

I get that it's tough. But the chaos that would ensue from breaking up a home over that is reason to deal with it. Everyone hopes they'd be that special case where they met someone new who is fantastic and brings them happiness until they are 90. That is unlikely for most. People go to jobs they find boring day in and day out because they have to pay their bills. How is it different? Both in your career and your marriage you do have some control to improve it and make the best of it. That is my view, anyway. When you stop harping on what you can't change then you find opportunities for happiness you didn't know could come your way.

Anonymous wrote:NP. How unhappy are we talking? If it comes down to being sad that you're not in a high quality relationship but by and large your spouse is reliable and a decent, reliable person, I say stick it out. Accept your spouse. Treat them like any other family member who you love and care for. If you lower your expectations in this way you can find immense happiness in your life. Life is not all about romance. If you keep ruminating about the one thing that is missing from your life of course you're going to be unhappy.

The specific problem a lot of people have is: by and large spouse is reliable and decent, is a good parent, and has a good income... but the sex sucks or is non-existent. What then? Accept a life of no sex or crappy sex "for the children"?

It is hard not to "ruminate" about that particular "one thing" (sex) when it's missing.

Totally agree. If you are in a low-conflict marriage, the kids probably won't even know you're unhappy unless you straight-out tell them.

You really think that? I don't agree. DH and I are in a low conflict marriage but are not compatible any more. 8 year old DS told me last week that DH and I are not like other kids parents because we never kiss or hug. I have no plans to get divorced, FWIW. DH is really argumentative, particular, and unrelaxed, but by no means abusive, and he's very invested and involved with DH.