Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So here is the only conversation you need to have: "DH, darling, I realize now, after twenty years, that I really did not want to pay for your education. I have been resentful of it all this time. You need to pay me back."

Actually, thank you. This is what I need to hear. I wish I could do it, take the $ and go on a nice long vacation. Too bad it needs to go in the college fund instead.

So you will say that? You do realize he is the problem and not his family right?

Anonymous wrote:I STILL dont understand why your husband expected anyone else to pay his tuition but him??

His parents felt YOU should pay it, YOU felt they should pay it, but why wasn't anyone expecting HIM to pay it??

He sounds helpless!

Please explain to me why someone else had to pay this loan for him, because HE is the one you should blame for this!

HE could have told them to treat you better, but he didn't.
HE could have paid his own student loans, but instead he pitted you & his parents against each other & each of you expected the other to pay for it, BUT WHY DIDN'T HE???

He was, but at the rate he was doing it it would have taken 30 years. Maybe I should have just let him.

Anonymous wrote:So here is the only conversation you need to have: "DH, darling, I realize now, after twenty years, that I really did not want to pay for your education. I have been resentful of it all this time. You need to pay me back."

Actually, thank you. This is what I need to hear. I wish I could do it, take the $ and go on a nice long vacation. Too bad it needs to go in the college fund instead.

OP I'm sort of in the same boat. I don't go because I have a awful time. Around Christmas we usually make our own plans, or go on vacation. Do the same thing. When your kids are older tell them the truth, they weren't there for many years and you don't feel any compunction to get close now.

I STILL dont understand why your husband expected anyone else to pay his tuition but him??

His parents felt YOU should pay it, YOU felt they should pay it, but why wasn't anyone expecting HIM to pay it??

He sounds helpless!

Please explain to me why someone else had to pay this loan for him, because HE is the one you should blame for this!

HE could have told them to treat you better, but he didn't.
HE could have paid his own student loans, but instead he pitted you & his parents against each other & each of you expected the other to pay for it, BUT WHY DIDN'T HE???

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also should know that if you go talk to his family, they may not give you the ideal reaction you're hoping for. This is probably best worked out with a therapist first.

Maybe you need to sit with yourself first and think through just what it is you really want. The money? The venting? The family to show you eternal gratitude? Your DH to show you some gratitude? What is the minimum you will accept? Will the possible turmoil you create be worth it?

Just an acknowledgement that I was treated badly would do. But I doubt it would ever happen.

You're exhausting. I bet you play up your victim card every chance you get. I guarantee this isn't the only thing you feel like you've been victimized over lol. Sad really.

Nope, I don't. I actually think I am lucky and my life is rather nice. I just can't get over this one issue and my inability to do it amazes even me.

Anonymous wrote:So here is the only conversation you need to have: "DH, darling, I realize now, after twenty years, that I really did not want to pay for your education. I have been resentful of it all this time. You need to pay me back."

Haha love this. Also sums up the ridiculousness that is OP

So here is the only conversation you need to have: "DH, darling, I realize now, after twenty years, that I really did not want to pay for your education. I have been resentful of it all this time. You need to pay me back."

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You also should know that if you go talk to his family, they may not give you the ideal reaction you're hoping for. This is probably best worked out with a therapist first.

Maybe you need to sit with yourself first and think through just what it is you really want. The money? The venting? The family to show you eternal gratitude? Your DH to show you some gratitude? What is the minimum you will accept? Will the possible turmoil you create be worth it?

Just an acknowledgement that I was treated badly would do. But I doubt it would ever happen.

You're exhausting. I bet you play up your victim card every chance you get. I guarantee this isn't the only thing you feel like you've been victimized over lol. Sad really.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You could have said no then. You chose to do it.

2. You can say no now. What is the problem?

Well, I love my husband. Somebody had to do right by him.

I know I can say no. But my kids actually like their cousins and they are not old enough to hear the whole story.

So it was YOUR CHOICE to pay his debts. Seriously, get over the martyrdom. They did not hold a gun to your head. You knew he had college debt. What in the world this has to do with your immigration status or how little money your parents had is beyond me. If you didn't want a man who came with college loans and who was unable to pay them himself, then you should have married someone else with better grades (your words, not sure if grades really had anything to do with it), was richer, or had parents that are of your background who sees eye to eye culturally with you. You chose not to. How is this their fault?

It's not. But OP likes being a victim. Probably why she won't go to therapy or do anything about it.

Anonymous wrote:You also should know that if you go talk to his family, they may not give you the ideal reaction you're hoping for. This is probably best worked out with a therapist first.

Maybe you need to sit with yourself first and think through just what it is you really want. The money? The venting? The family to show you eternal gratitude? Your DH to show you some gratitude? What is the minimum you will accept? Will the possible turmoil you create be worth it?

Just an acknowledgement that I was treated badly would do. But I doubt it would ever happen.

OP, it's clear you like to play up the victim card. Your immigration status has nothing to do with it. Your families have different beliefs about financial assistance. That has nothing to do with immigration. You like being a victim and all the attention you get from it. It's pathetic. No wonder your husband sounds like a shitty guy, no way anyone with quality would put up with you.
. unfortunately the only people who lose are your kids.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:1. You could have said no then. You chose to do it.

2. You can say no now. What is the problem?

Well, I love my husband. Somebody had to do right by him.

I know I can say no. But my kids actually like their cousins and they are not old enough to hear the whole story.

So it was YOUR CHOICE to pay his debts. Seriously, get over the martyrdom. They did not hold a gun to your head. You knew he had college debt. What in the world this has to do with your immigration status or how little money your parents had is beyond me. If you didn't want a man who came with college loans and who was unable to pay them himself, then you should have married someone else with better grades (your words, not sure if grades really had anything to do with it), was richer, or had parents that are of your background who sees eye to eye culturally with you. You chose not to. How is this their fault?

Anonymous wrote:How does it benefit you to hold a grudge for 20 years, OP? Is it going to change what happened or who people were and are? Or is it going to continue to poison you and your husband and child? Are you holding out hope that someone from his family will come forward and apologize and hand you a bag of cash? Are you mad at the family in addition for having genes that may have contributed to your child having special needs? You need to ask yourself why you're determined to hold onto this anger.

Agreed!
And I don't understand your animosity towards the siblings?

The parents favored the siblings, that's on the parents.
The siblings used emotional extortion to get their loans paid for & they did.
Your husband could have done the exact same thing, but he didn't... again, how is this the siblings fault??

The one remaining parent talked you into paying off the loans NOT the siblings, why are you bunching the siblings in with the one parent who you feel manipulated you??

It sounds like you're holding a grudge against the whole family, because of this one members wrong doing.
Why would you fault them for what ONE parent did?
Why would they be to blame for what ONE parent did?

Look, you seem to be ruled by a grudge, is this the way to go through life? Miserable over something that happened 20 years ago? That's ridiculous.

You're not taking ownership for your part, it seems like you only want to play the victim.

Let your kids see their cousins & dont teach your kids to hold onto negativity so tightly... especially about money.
You're gonna have a heart attack over this one day & then think about how much time you've wasted in this nonsense.

You need to let this go or you'll NEVER be free... EVER.

I feel really sorry for you that you've made yourself a victim & dug your heels in to it & anyone whose ever told you to let it go (therapist after therapist) you've stopped going to, because you don't REALLY want to change.
God, you sound exhausting.

Everyone else wants to move on & be a family, you're the only one who prefers to keep the strife going.
You know what? You're absolutely right, hookahs would be MUCH better without your constant negative vibe & forever blame gaming. Stay home, everyone will be much happier & your kids & husband will get to have fun with his family, without having you feel guilty that they are or that you might get upset because they're having fun with the ENEMY.

This is your identity now, who else would you be if you weren't the little immigrant victim?

I'm sure your husband appreciates your intolerance towards his family, and you probably remind him of it every chance you get... you must be a real pleasure to live with.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get the "they took advantage of an immigrant kid" stuff. They aren't nice and it's understandable that you don't like them but they didn't take special advantage of you.

I feel like I was fulfilling their obligations to their son. We both worked several jobs through college and grad school. They could have made lives easier for us but didn't.

I don't see the connection with your immigrant status.

His family has been here for centuries and had money. My family came here with two suitcases and $140. But somehow because I was willing to work hard while DHs siblings pursued their "passions" I ended up holding the bag financially.

How did you end up holding the bag financially? You didn't pay for his siblings' college?