My ex tried to pull this. It was difficult working 50 hours a week, walking in the door, cooking dinner, cleaning up from the day (that I wasn't a part of) and then crashing. She claimed that her time with the kids kept her from doing the basic household stuff like cooking and cleaning and laundry (she worked with our oldest, but eventually quit when pregnant with our second). This was the case even though our oldest went to preschool from 8-3.

Long story short, my wife was basically depressed, but she refused to get therapy or treatment. So, I spent two years trying to make things work until I hit a point of no return and we divorced. It turned out that my wife's avoiding her own depression continued in the form of moving overseas to teach English.

Oddly, I am the primary parent (main custodial parent) and still work full time. My wife skypes the kids occasionally but hasn't seen them in three years.

Anonymous wrote:I doubt the OP is going to refuse to any cleaning, cooking, or shopping chores. What I believe she is looking for, is to eliminate any EXPECTATION that she will do those things.

For example, no guarantee that dinner will be made.

During the first 3 years of a child's life is when the neuron pathways are built. "A child’s adult capacities, it seemed, rests heavily on neural foundations developed through early learning experiences."

Here's an article about it. Sure there are many.

https://www.brookings.edu/blog/education-plus-development/2014/05/20/kick-back-relax-and-help-your-children-develop-neural-pathways/

I hope you are right and what you describe is how our family functions. I am less confident that is what OP has in mind.

There is no "guarantee" that dinner will be made or that at least light housework will get done. Some days my son is needier than normal, some days some other activity or crisis consumed more of the day than typical, and on rare occasions I just get tired/lazy and take more me time while he sleeps. On those days, my DH will pick up dinner or one of us will make something absurdly simple once he gets home.

But the general expectation we have is that I will usually do dinner and light house work while my son sleeps or is otherwise occupied. I can also get a bunch done by wearing him. For the heavier cleaning, we hire someone.

I think this is fair and reasonable since I don't see why I would need or even want hours long breaks most days while my son sleeps and my DH certainly doesn't get those breaks at work.

This is confusing. Imagine if a WOHM said the same thing - my job is to work out of the home and on nights and weekends I am doing absolutely no cleaning or other household tasks. Huh? It just doesn't make any sense. I do WOHM and we certainly do outsource some stuff (weekly house cleaning and lawn work, for example) but you better believe that I spend a lot of my non-working time cleaning and doing other household tasks. Not sure why being a SAHM would make you exempt from that?

My sister thought the way OP does. 3 kids, 3 husbands, the fourth husband finally worked out but she's too old to have kids now.

Anonymous wrote:DH and I have always split the household chores equally. I want this to change when I stop working after our child is born - I want to do less. We have a cleaning service that comes in once a week and do a lot of ordering of supplies online.

Basically, I want to do only what a good nanny would do in terms of spending all the baby's waking hours engaged with her and her napping hours either napping myself or doing her chores (baby's laundry, food prep, etc). I want to do classes with my child, go on play dates and not think about the house at all.

Is this possible? DH is all for it right now but...

Here's the thing. If you hired a nanny, she wouldn't have to do your housecleaning, but she would still have to do her own. I think that is the detail you are missing. It's like you want to be a nanny who goes home and doesn't have to do any of her own housecleaning either.

What's wrong with splitting the chores equally with your husband?

Having a regular housecleaner for the big stuff is certainly reasonable if you can afford it. Not getting to daily household tasks because you are having a particularly demanding time with the baby is to be expected and can go on for a while if you have a difficult baby.

However, IME, one of the best aspects of having one parent at home is that you CAN get a lot of the day-to-day chores done during the day so both parents can relax in the evenings and weekends and spend time with the kids and each other. OP's insistence on saving anything not specifically kid-related until DH is home seems like it will just add stress to the day and the relationship. All so you don't have to prep dinner during naptime or fold a load of laundry while baby plays? Short-sighted and suggests to me that you don't feel DH will see you as an equal when you are a SAHP, perhaps because you both think household work is beneath you?

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your poor husband.

If they can afford it, why all this "poor husband" stuff? His baby is being cared for and his house is being cleaned during the day, right?

If it seems like a relationship like this would work to you, I'm not sure how to explain.

Np here. I am a SAHM and lousy housekeeper. It is hard for me to load the dishwasher with 3 kids. Laundry was never folded. DH often would come home to disaster of a house after working 60 hrs per week. We now have a housekeeper come 5x per week part time. Thankfully we can afford it. DH still does more housework than I do on weekends.

Troll.

Nanny's=nannies

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not going to want poopy laundry to be laying around, dirty bottles in the sink, baby food smashed in the carpet and the million other messes that a baby makes just sitting there waiting for the weekly cleaning help to arrive and tidy up.

If you stay home, you will be cleaning A LOT. Comes with the territory. If you would prefer to hire someone to do normal housecleaning (floors, bathrooms, etc) that's up to you. But don't think that you won't be cleaning because you will be.

OP here and I will do everything regarding the care and cleaning/laundry for the baby. I meant general household chores like cleaning bathrooms and washing floors.

Do you realize that nanny's usually go home and do the cleaning, etc at their own house? It's not like it is some magical job where a fairy comes everyday to keep the house clean.

Anonymous wrote:
OP, if you want to treat being a stay-at-home parent as being a full time job -- and just focus on that part of the job during your "working hours" then that is FINE. But you need to do what other 2 income, work out of the home parents do.

When your "day job" is done or on the weekends, you split up the household chores (grocery shopping, dinner prep, laundry etc.) You just aren't going to try to get these things done during your working day, so you will just continue to do them in the evenings and weekends as you did before leaving your job, correct?

If you are saying you also no longer want to do those chores evenings and weekends as you used to -- certainly you and your husband can agree to outsource whatever you want. Hire someone to do your laundry, hire someone to go shopping for you or hire a personal chef to make your meals --- whatever you want and have the money for.

This nails it, exactly.

I think this is someone taking a jab at SAHMs.

Op if this is really what you want then do it.

I don't understand what all the derision and questioning is about. I do what OP is asking about and it has worked out great.

I was a nanny for a high profile family during college and got my masters in Early Childhood Education. I worked as a teacher and then director of a preschool before becoming a mother. When I was pregnant, DH and I had many discussions about what our roles would be after our baby was born. I made it clear that I was not giving up a great job to start picking up his socks or taking out the trash. Our lives in regard to our home would remain the same with me switching from teaching other children to teaching our children.

I did nurse for 18 months, narrated for DD, went to a class nearly every morning and read to her for over an hour every day. DH and I both work out in the morning but alternate who goes first - whomever is in bed last makes the bed. We do dishes as we use them. We have a cleaning service once a week and a maid who comes in once a week (DH's bachelor maid) who does all laundry for both DH and myself as well as picking up our dry cleaning.

My days are devoted to my daughter. We do a lot of slow cooker meals that DH and I prepare together the night before or make salads after DH comes home. I do the dinner dishes and DH does the bath, books, bed routine with DD. I have always done the grocery shopping and he has always done errands and that hasn't changed.

It takes organization, OP, and a manageable house (we have a five room townhouse with a deck we have set up as an outdoor playroom). Good luck! I have truly loved being home with my kid!

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Omg. Your poor husband.

If they can afford it, why all this "poor husband" stuff? His baby is being cared for and his house is being cleaned during the day, right?

If it seems like a relationship like this would work to you, I'm not sure how to explain.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are not going to want poopy laundry to be laying around, dirty bottles in the sink, baby food smashed in the carpet and the million other messes that a baby makes just sitting there waiting for the weekly cleaning help to arrive and tidy up.

If you stay home, you will be cleaning A LOT. Comes with the territory. If you would prefer to hire someone to do normal housecleaning (floors, bathrooms, etc) that's up to you. But don't think that you won't be cleaning because you will be.

OP here and I will do everything regarding the care and cleaning/laundry for the baby. I meant general household chores like cleaning bathrooms and washing floors.

Sure you will. Until you are tired and frazzled, and thrust the baby at him as soon as he gets home, and come and complain here that he expects you do everything.

Look, rigid allocations of responsibilities rarely, if ever work in a marriage.