Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 20:10     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
I am skeptical this post is real because I can't imagine a man in this position thinking it is "important" for the children to know each other. Who would think that? I am a woman and I found out I had half siblings (my father had been previously married) when I was a teenager. My parents had planned never to tell us kids about the other family because, I think, he was ashamed of the failed marriage. One of the half sisters reached out to me recently and wants to have a relationship. I wish her well but have no more interest in her than anyone else I know and in no way think of her as a "sister." Sharing the same sperm donor doesn't mean there has to be some meaningful connection.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 20:07     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Well, you need to accept this child. I would have husband pay child support and get legal visitation rights. The child will come to your house and meet her half-siblings and stepmother? that way.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:53     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Do you know the other woman?
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:49     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.


OP, is this what happened?

No, he did not ask my son to keep this a secret. In fact, my son mentioned once that he "saw his sister" but I thought he was just joking.


I cannot fathom my son seeing another child regularly that he didn't talk to me about. Did he never mention this other child he played with?
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:42     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.


OP, is this what happened?

No, he did not ask my son to keep this a secret. In fact, my son mentioned once that he "saw his sister" but I thought he was just joking.


This is egregious. It is astounding you are so blasé about it.

I'm not. I was very angry about it, and still am somewhat. DH and I are working through it. It's a process.


How are you working through it?
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:41     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.


OP, is this what happened?

No, he did not ask my son to keep this a secret. In fact, my son mentioned once that he "saw his sister" but I thought he was just joking.


This is egregious. It is astounding you are so blasé about it.

I'm not. I was very angry about it, and still am somewhat. DH and I are working through it. It's a process.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:40     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
OP, I want so much to help you. But sadly I just can't. If your husband had been honest from the beginning, perhaps I could try to see past the hurt. But really! Beyond the initial affair (which you now seem to know was long term) there were years of huge secret keeping. I simply cant see how you could trust him with anything he says. That he keeps the other woman away from your kids? Highly doubt it. That he'll be the husband and father you once had and still want? Impossible - he leads two lives now.

As for your kids, the only thing you can say is the truth. Daddy had a different family for a while and now he has all of us in two families. Both will suffer in the end wondering where his allegiance lies.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:39     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.


OP, is this what happened?

No, he did not ask my son to keep this a secret. In fact, my son mentioned once that he "saw his sister" but I thought he was just joking.


It sure is a joke. Your son now knows women are toys and marriage is a joke. He know vows and promises are for chumps. His mom and dad have confirmed it. Your 6yo has known for years that his father has a separate family and you've made that okay. You don't need to figure out how to tell him. Your actions and his father's speak louder than words.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:36     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.


OP, is this what happened?

No, he did not ask my son to keep this a secret. In fact, my son mentioned once that he "saw his sister" but I thought he was just joking.


This is egregious. It is astounding you are so blasé about it.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:35     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.


OP, is this what happened?

No, he did not ask my son to keep this a secret. In fact, my son mentioned once that he "saw his sister" but I thought he was just joking.


Really OP? Your DH Told your son he could tell you?

You have to be a troll. No one is this delusional.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:35     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:I think the thing we're trying to tell you, OP, is that the harm in staying is greater than the harm in leaving. Kids don't need big houses or lots of money. Yes, divorce is hard, but many children have been through it and survived.

On the other hand, growing up knowing that daddy did this terrible thing and mommy just sat there and accepted it is a very damaging reality, in my mind. What does this teach your son? What does this teach your daughter? I think they deserve parents who model good, strong choices.

This is the adult perspective you are projecting onto a child. The only person who experienced it as a child made a strong distinction between adultery as a moral failure to an adult, and abandonment of children as a much worse failure. But to be sure, there are no perfect choices here.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:34     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.


OP, is this what happened?

No, he did not ask my son to keep this a secret. In fact, my son mentioned once that he "saw his sister" but I thought he was just joking.


So yes, the husband told his own young son that he had a child out of wedlock before he told OP.

OP WAKE THE F UP!!!!!
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:33     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.


OP, is this what happened?

No, he did not ask my son to keep this a secret. In fact, my son mentioned once that he "saw his sister" but I thought he was just joking.


But your son knew for years about this child and you only found out months ago? He took your child to meet her? This is a whole other kind of violation, op.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:32     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Wait, your 6yo child knew he had a sister before your husband told you? Was the 6yo instructed to keep it a secret? I can't get my head around a wife finding out a few months ago, but her child has known his half sibling for years. Have I read this wrong?

Because if the child was asked to keep it from his mother, that's a total dealbreaker.


OP, is this what happened?

No, he did not ask my son to keep this a secret. In fact, my son mentioned once that he "saw his sister" but I thought he was just joking.
Anonymous
Post 05/01/2017 19:10     Subject: How do I talk about this with the kids?
Anonymous wrote:Op, honestly I think you're fixating on how to tell your children because you are not allowing yourself to think honestly about what has happened. You found out very recently and seem to imply you've processed and moved on. I have my doubts that that is the case. I think we often try to distract ourselves by worrying about our kids so as not too deeply prone our own feelings about something. Your husband didn't just cheat. He involved your son in this betrayal. I think there is anger and a whole wealth of emotions you may not have really acknowledged, given that you won't even answer the questions about that. Secure your own oxygen mask before aiding your children. Take care of yourself before making any commitment to this sham of a marriage or figuring out things like how to tell the kids. You're not ready to go there yet.


That is very true.

Unless OP is a troll. She hasn't been answering the important questions.